Humor

InASense, Lost… Toys Are Not For Wii Ones

Posted on by sgottahurt

My sister, Tammie, had a good chortle guffaw chuckle when she heard me ask this one time:

Hey Chris, what does it mean when my Wii’s glowing blue?

She lost it, and upon thinking how ridiculous it sounded out of context, others joined her giggles, myself included.  As it turns out, she may slowly be turning into my foil.

Let me further explain.

Last night, one of my friends stopped by with his two sons.  They’re cute enough, nice enough kids, but where my friend made the mistake was to inform his children that I had toys.

What I have are not toys.  They’re collectibles.  Two totally different things.

Upon arriving, and not expecting them to stay long as I had mentioned plans to head to trivia, the boys whipped off their scarves and knit caps and bundled coats and proclaimed, “Where’s the toys?”

I begrudgingly lead the trio back to my DVD room (yes, they have their own room… they kinda require a room when they reach 1200+).  In there, I have Indiana Jones figures, Lego playsets, Transformers, and Matt Trakker of M.A.S.K. re-released as a G.I. Joe, all in their packages.  Of course, the first thing to reached for is Trakker.

“I know how to put this together,” the oldest proclaimed.

“So do I,” was my response as I put it back.

On one of the cabinets, I have some open figures on display which include mini Ninja Turtles, mini Transformers, a mini Grimlock cartoon figure that does not move, and both versions of Bumblebee from the Michael Bay movie.

They moved onto these collectibles, and within minutes, Grimlock was in pieces (I don’t think he’s supposed to come that much apart, if even at all), the rubberbands holding the weapons in the Turtles’ hands were snapped, and the ’77 Camaro Bumblebee was being stabbed by his own laser sword.

I have learned patience through all the years of working with computers, but when it comes to children—

My friend kept talking to me and I kept thinking, doesn’t he see what they’re doing?  The youngest had to go #2 and took Raphael with him.  Raphael!  RAPHAEL?!

When they were finally getting packed up to ship out, I told my friend he could visit with them again in about 10 years.

Now back to Tammie.  As I recounted the situation to her, she just laughed at me again.  The definition of a foil according to Answers.com:

One that by contrast underscores or enhances the distinctive characteristics of another: “I am resolved my husband shall not be a rival, but a foil to me” (Charlotte Brontë).

She said, “You do realize you’re complaining about children playing with your toys.”

I still can’t find Grimlock’s lower jaw.

Drunken Recollection… Late Night Repo’s Are Buzzkills

Posted on by sgottahurt

The weekend was a jam-packed one, and it didn’t leave me much time for any kind of self-reflection and intellectual introspection that I usually reserve for this blog.  (Yeah, right.)  Let me rewind the events of the weekend to get to Friday, a random night where not much happened other than random things…

vvrp verp Car dealership, free car battery under warranty during oil change vrip vrap Work day spent finishing weekend work vrrp vvip Trivia comeback to no win during NHL All-Star game where there were no Red Wings plus Pistons barely lose to Rockets vvvp Ate out at Chili’s vvvp Visited Grams vvvp Met up old friends Saturday night vvvp After working vvvp After nursing hangover… click clack… CLUNK

Okay, rewinding was about as exciting as the Twitter experiment (again, yeah right)… Basically, on Friday, my brother was working in a speakeasy, so to speak.  It was an interactive play that took place during the 20’s, that acted as a fundraiser for a local theatre troop.  I passed the goons guarding the door using the password that not many guessed.

Re-enactment:

Goon: “What’s the password?”

Me: “What.”

Goon: “You may enter.”

My other family members worked the open bar so in my double-fisting of rum and cokes, the ratio of everything went like this:

PLASTIC < COKE < ICE < HANDS < RUM

In turn, this lead to me achieving a sufficient level of what I call “Wedding Drunk” (it’s a different form of “Superhero Drunk” and fodder for a future post).  As the festivities wound down, the group I was with headed to a local hole-in-the-wall bar, where I proceded to karaoke a Weezer song after my cousin Steve ignited the party with his rendition of “Sweet Caroline” (also fodder for another post).

My brother was absent from this collection of the acting troupe, and our rides were kicked out for being trashed (well, at least Richie was the one deemed smashed out of the Venessa and Jess Trifecta).  Steve and I were left behind with the Actors! and someone else offered to drive us to an afterparty once the bar started closing.

(SIDE STORY: Steve had spotted one woman earlier in the night that made him proclaim – “She will be flashing her breasts at some point tonight.”  He was right.  The things you learn while away at college.)

To be honest, I have never seen such a magnificent driver as Kate, a.k.a. She who drove Steve and I elsewhere.  While searching for Toto’s Africa and Asia’s Heat of the Moment on her Zune, her path never waivered – not one bit.  We were going to drive to her house to pick up her dog, but we kept driving around through a subdivision and eventually ended up at the final destination.  We wondered why we didn’t stop and get the dog.  Kate’s answer:

My boyfriend was there.

Around 3am, the repo man showed up and took our gracious host’s truck.  Major buzzkill.  We called for a taxi.  (They hung up on us repeatedly while we were trying to figure out where we were.)  We parted ways with the Actors! around 4am.  I b.s.’d with the bald driver of the Chrysler 300 about life, politics, the universe, and religion, and ate macaroni and cheese once back at the Trifecta’s homebase.

In closing… Viva la Wedding Drunk!  Boo-Hiss Repo Men!

Can I Do Better? (Day 2…) Answer: Yes

Posted on by sgottahurt

Will should have entered last week.

Will should have entered last week.

This is a contest my mother entered my sister’s fiancé into.  Old dude’s winning.  Don’t know what the prize is… all I know is my weekend is almost over and my entries haven’t been up to snuff.  My apologies.  My game will be back in full swing maybe later… or tomorrow…

You can have extra fun by guessing which won is my sister’s fiancé.

Happy Find… CanIDoBetter?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This website is a treat.  I’m working while hungover.  Have fun.

Oh, it’s called CanIDoBetter?  Just keep clicking that name.  Need a nap.

I think I can do better, btw…

I may need to do more research before making that decision.

I may need to do more research before making that decision.

(via 89X FM)

My Heart(s) All A Twitter

Posted on by sgottahurt

There’s some things that are popular that I get, and there are somethings I don’t.  Then there are some I’m afraid to look too into out of fear of never escaping.  Such a curious mind can leave you with dementied brain dents you can never straighten out (I have four – FOUR* – images burnt into my retinas that will never leave me just because I had to go poking around on the TripleDoubleU).  And then there’s always the possibility of addiction (see my Songsmith post below).

And that, dear friends, is why I avoid things like Facebook and Twitter.  This WordPress blog is consuming enough.  One of my friends, Aaron, just started a Facebook profile and he’s spiraling down the drain like a dead goldfish in a toilet.

What I decided to do was test out the concept of Twitter, which is mini-blog you maintain through out the day.  How about you better explain it, Mr. Wiki:

Twitter is a free social networking and micro-blogging service that allows its users to send and read other users’ updates (otherwise known as tweets), which are text-based posts of up to 140 characters in length.

Okay, so pretty much what I said, not counting that mini vs. micro prefix.  So to illustrate how busy I am on a random day at work, allow me to present my Twitter test run.

10:35am – I’m at a client cleaning spyware.  Hearts kicked my ass, but not bad enough for me to quit.  Is it bad that I quit when I’m losing?

11:27am – I answered questions after figuring out what was asked.  I held a door for a woman and she said there are still gentlemen in this world.

11:45am – I was going to let a semi merge in front of me on freeway.  I used to battle truckers.  Since I’m nice now I think they look out for me.

12:02pm – At office, a minivan took its sweet time parking so I cut it off for the good spot.  So much for being a gentleman.  I had 2 pc’s to carry.

12:21pm – Proper restroom etiquette occurred whilst kids dropped off at pool.  Cannot linger when another is in the stall… it’s just not cool.

12:38pm – Have to upgrade my copy of Quickbooks, but CD is in another pc.  Too lazy to get up.  Remoting in to share drive and install.  Win!

1:06pm – At Taco Bell (‘natch) some dude stole my cheesy double beef burritos from counter!  Was it a scam or coincidence?  I’m thinking scam.

1:39pm – At Best Buy wrestled with buying Prince of Persia for $40.  Prince of Persia won.

2:13pm – Meaning to look into Drunken Recollection from last night.  Does blood thin in summer and thicken in winter?  Nurse/cousin Liz says no.

2:15pm –  Nurse/cousin Liz is right: http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C0CE4DE1630F935A35751C0A966958260

2:31pm – Dave at work asks if I’d rather see Donkey Punch (again) or Street Fighter Chun Li.  I pick Donkey Punch.

2:32pm – Dave then asks if I’d rather see Donkey Punch or Tyler Perry movie.  I say Family that Preys got good reviews, so that, but not Madea.

2:33pm – Dave then asks if I’d rather see Street Fighter or Pink Panther 2.  I say Pink Panther… barely.

2:54 pm – A brand new pc’s Windows is missing so I run the restore.  While it’s restoring, I work on this entry.  I think I might like Twitter.

*Some may say “Just four?” but these four are enough for me.

The Curious Case Of Dark Knight’s Snubbing (And Kate Winslet’s Nudity)

Posted on by sgottahurt

The nominations for this year’s Academy Awards came out today, and while a lot of other better informed, better thought-out, better written sites will have their two cents to suck on and hope they pass the Breathalyzer, here’s my wheat penny’s worth.

Um, hello…?  The Dark Knight anybody?  Sure, Heath Ledger received his well-deserved posthumous nomination for his portrayal/reinvention of the Joker, but where’s the Best Picture nod?  This film was hands down a surefire contender, if not the absolute best.  I thought the original Batman Beginswas award-worthy, and the sequel was ten times smarter, darker, and realistic than, gah, well I guess The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Slumdog Millionaire (the other three are based on true stories, and we all know that’s code for loose adaptation). 

Don’t get me wrong – I love David Fincher and Danny Boyle (Trainspotting – ‘natch), and I’m happy to see them nominated as well, but where’s Chris Nolan’s nod?  And although I found Slumdog to be fascinating and worthy, Button kinda bit it.  I wanted to love the film, like I do Fight Club and Seven, but the intercutting between “Katrina’s coming” New Orleans and the overwhelming similarity to Forrest Gump (which screenwriter Eric Roth also scripted) sank it for me.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “The Curious Case of Forrest Gump from…“, posted with vodpod

 

 

 

OTHER WHEAT PENNIES:

I am glad that Martin McDonagh got nominated for writing In Bruges.  My friend, Chris, had recommended checking it out before I visited Belgium last year, and I wish I had… Bruges looked like a dream, except you’re awake (check out the film – it’s awesome).

Holla at Robert Downey, Jr!  Nominated not only for a role in a comedy film, but for wearing black face in Tropic Thunder.  Whodathunk?

WALL-E got nominated for Best Animated Feature.  WHOOPT-E FUCK-N DO.  Why should Beauty and the Beast continue to carry the distinction of the only animated film nominated for Best Picture when this (and Finding Nemo) blow it away?

In closing… my friend, Dave, asked if I had seen The Reader yet.  I had told him I hadn’t, but I heard Kate Winslet was nude in it, to which he replied, “When is she not?”  I dubbed her the female Harvey Keitel, and he did a spit-take with his coffee. 

Finis.

Happy Find… My Impending Songsmith Addiction

Posted on by sgottahurt

The wunderkinds wonderbreads Vistapushers, um, developers at Microsoft have developed a retarded gay lame program called Songsmith.  If you’re brave enough to watch the research team’s demonstration video about the product, be my guest and click here.

For those of you wise enough to trust me, which isn’t saying altogether much about either of us if you do, all you need to know is that Songsmith is a music making program.  And I use “music making” in the loosest sense.

The premise is this: you hook your mic up to your pc and open the application.  You sing a made up song however you want, and the program will create the backup music for you.  Srsly.

The fun part is that there’s a YouTube channel by azz100c that contains plenty of famous original vocals run through the program.  A few of my favorites are a folksy version of “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor, and to explain the sound of Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” would spoil the fun.

(Thank you again ever so much Videogum… you rock!)

Alert! A New Page Up Above!

Posted on by sgottahurt

FYI… I added a new page at the top – The Theory Sheet!

A sample:

4) The Urination Observation.  If there is any difference between the sexes “skill sets,” I bet it all boils down to boys having to aim when they pee.  This point might be argued by women that deal with any man on a regular basis, and their guy’s toilet habits.  Just because a man might not always make it directly into the porcelain basin, it does not mean they cannot piss their name in the snow.  Women, as far as I know, lack this ability (maybe in Sanskrit they can).  Because of boys needing/wanting/having to develop spacial relations the minute they lose the diaper, if there is a difference in men’s ability to drive, build, play video games, blah… it’s due to the development of wang stream control.

Samanatha in Sanskrit... it's possible to pee this, right?

Samantha in Sanskrit... it's possible to pee this, right?

JusWondering… Obama’s President! Why Don’t I Feel Any Different?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Hmm… today doesn’t feel too much different than yesterday… or two days ago.

I guess there is a slightly better taste in my mouth, like I used Plax before brushing, but have yet to put paste to gums.  Barack Obama is now acting President, and I thought his speech was well-played.  All the hope swung around like a fly-swatter at a barbeque during his acceptence speech was downplayed into a reality-based, looking forward, we-have-to-work-together memorandum that I hope didn’t fall on any deaf ears.

We live in a country where very few think about anyone but themselves, and sometimes even those that do think of others, from time to time, need to be reminded to do so.  Everyone’s too busy trying to keep up with the Joneses, when they haven’t even walked next door to introduce themselves (metaphorically speaking).

Anyhighhorse, on with the alleged comedy…

Was anyone else worried that this guy had a bomb strapped under his chair, and that he would scream, “I’m going to hell, and I’m taking all of you with me!” followed by  the Howard Dean yelp?

"FDR was a wuss," he might be thinking.

"FDR was a wuss," he might be thinking.

I also began to wonder if you stared at the crowd that formed, might you see underwater images, like in those 3D pics that were popular years ago?

Stare... keep staring...

Stare... keep staring...

...and voila (kinda)!

...and voila (kinda)!

Happy Find… Buseypalooza! Get Garied Away!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Shirley awesome!

Shirley awesome!

There’s a forum on SomethingAwful that has all kinds of Photoshopped madness.  Click here to check it out.

The thread began with the idea of replacing regular folks in home photos with the mugs of celebs.  Example:

Lilo and Stitch

Lilo and Stitch

But it’s since evolved into a Buseypalooza.  There’s not much on there, but to post them all on here would ruin the surprise.  I don’t think it’s active anymore, either, unfortunately, but it still makes me G.R.I.N. (Gotta Recommend It Now… see, Buseyisms aren’t that tough).