Humor

InASense, Lost… Herpes On The Rise Due To Game?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t want to be naive , but apparently cold sores – not better known as lip herpes, and definitely not known as liperpes (though it should be) – is spreading like wild fire amongst college students.  The culprit blamed for the spreading: beer pong.

From Asylum:

But beer pong could be nearly as dangerous as unprotected sex in terms of spreading diseases, according to a recent article in the University of Massachusetts’ student newspaper — which links the rise of herpes on campus to the popularity of beer pong. Because the game involves multiple people drinking from the same cups, the herpes virus — which can be transmitted via saliva — can be spread to everyone who is playing through the course of a game. The virus is up 230 percent since 2007 in people between ages 17 and 21.

And here I foolishly thought it was because college students are generally sluts (and I’m talking about both genders when I say that).

This got me thinking about what other STD’s might not be ST’d (sexually transmitted), and in fact may be BP’d (beer ponged).

  • Gonorrhea – From clapping near someone else who is clapping.  This is why it’s also known as the Clap.
  • Chlamydia–  From getting sodas out dispensers outside of Walmart stores.
  • Genital Warts – From playing with toads before using the restroom.  The same applies to Crabs.  Not to be confused with Gentile Warts, common amongst Christians.
  • Syphilis – Was created by Alexander Fleming in order to sell his new discovery, penicillin.  Transmitted via playing catch with Frisbees, and sometimes Nerf Boomerangs.

A pubic public service announcement from the 80’s:

In My Brain While Sleeping… Housecleaning Pucks And Hamburger Docs

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had to verify what my subconscious created in this doozy of a dream, because in another one, my subconscious got it completely all wrong.  It works in the second dream because it makes it kinda funny.  But the fact that I knew a certain fact in the first one so matter-of-, um, -factly kinda impresses me (humility is soooo overrated).

DREAM SCENARIO ONE

I was playing hockey.  It wasn’t a professional game, but professionals were there.  (This entire dream happened out of guilt for skipping pick-up hockey last night.  In my defense, two friends were not going… I just hope they had enough people… curse you guilt!)  Anyhattrick, one of the pros approached me at the end and said, “I heard your house could use a good spring cleaning.”  I told him, “Yeah, it could,” and then wondered who he’d been talking to.  That’s when he dropped this deal, “I’d do it.  For five bucks.”  How could I resist?  So I handed him five bucks and made arrangements, not even thinking he could be scamming me for five bucks.  And he showed up!  To clean!  The player in question:

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

Martin Brodeur, goalkeeper for the New Jersey Devils.  I didn’t know I knew him, or his position, or that he was Canadian, yet my subconscious did (I’m not 100% on whether I knew he was a Devil, but I want to say he was wearing their color scheme).  In double-checking my brain, some tidbits I learned about him:

  • He’s played for the New Jersey Devils his entire NHL career. (I like franchise guys, and the NHL is full of them.)
  • He’s three shutouts short of breaking Detroit Red Wing Terry Sawchuck’s record of 103 games. (FYI – Sawchuck’s mask was the basis for Jason’s mask in Friday the 13th.)
  • He holds the second place record (behind Patrick Roy) for the most wins, which he’ll inevitably pass provided he stays healthy.
  • He holds the record for the most wins in a regular season (48, in 2006-7).
  • He’s the only NHL goalie to score a game winning goal.

There are many more.  And I might have to add that I could be a fan now.  What?  Don’t look at me like that.  I’m not saying I like him better than my beloved Red Wings… well, maybe Chris Osgood if he doesn’t start picking up.

DREAM SCENARIO TWO

I was eating at a McDonald’s (like I often do?) when a commotion started at the register.  The friends with me initially ignored it, but when the buzz of excitement started spreading, people were rushing to the front counter.  I overheard a girl say, “The stars of Top Gun are here doing a promotion!”  So the group I was with got mixed up in the glee and followed.  I distinctly remember not even thinking Tom Cruise would be there.  I knew it would be Iceman (Val Kilmer) and Goose (Anthony Edwards).  Turned out the rumors were wrong.  Instead of getting this duo:

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I got this duo:

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

 Except they looked like this:

Uh... yeah...

Uh... yeah...

 Of course, everyone was excited to see George Clooney, and under normal circumstances I would have been, too.  But Anthony Edwards?  How often is he out in public?  This was my chance to pitch a script in which he would have the starring role.  The script entitled “Continuum” was based on a dream I once had that featured Anthony Edwards (how meta).  I told it to him while Clooney took orders from dining room patrons, but I figured he was listening to our conversation and would possibly produce/direct the film.  The only catch – the script wasn’t written.  Edwards would be in town for two more days, so I’d have to write it in that time.  That’s when Clooney chimed in, “It could be the greatest script of all time… or the crappiest.”  (I knew he was eavesdropping!)

And that was that.  To sum up: Martin Brodeur cleaned my house for five bucks, and I had two days to write a script for Anthony Edwards to star in.  I have no idea what any of that means.

JusWondering… Some “Detroit Saving” Alternatives To Jay Leno

Posted on by sgottahurt

Jay Leno is coming to Detroit as a part of his comedy stimulus plan, and even though city council person, Martha Reeves(of Martha and the Vandellas), doesn’t like the fact that he’s coming to the Palace of Auburn Hills, I have some alternatives to his idea.

1) This.  Parade.  Rocks.  It’s exactly the kind of pick-me-up the ailing city of Detroit could use.  Do you hear that ninjas?  Come to Detroit!

2) If that doesn’t happen, then we could always use a Carl’s Brother Dave Jr. restaurant.  We just started getting Sonic restaurants here, and it’s been bowlofmilkriffic!

3) I never thought I’d ever be saying this, but bring the comedic stylings of Ricky Gervais and Elmo to Detroit!  They are a genius duo unmatched by any!

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Pet Peeves At Work

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s that time again (a whole four days later), when Paul, my current boss and for-some-reason friend, blackmails me into posting top five lists for him.  It’s punishment because I blog on the job.  So here it goes:

Paul’s Top Five Pet Peeves @ Work [Ed. – @ instead of “at”… y’know, since we’re an IT firm]

1) People that don’t wash their hands after using the public restroom [Ed. – As opposed to the private restroom?]

2) Habitual misspelling and improper capitalization [Ed. – Friend/coworker Chris is natorius for This]

3) Firms with partners names in them [Ed. – Plenty of law firms with plenty of egos in our building]

4) People that choose the middle of three stalls when the end ones are empty [Ed. – Guess where Paul tends to be when we need him… it’s not the center stall]

5) People that use the elevator to go up or down one floor [Ed. – Hey sometimes after a night of basketball and soccer, a person gets tired.]

JusWondering… RidiculouZodiac Or SerioZodiac?

Posted on by sgottahurt

For anyone who’s willing to be delighted by lounge songs about the zodiac, coupled with some of the finest dancing this side of the Jabbawockeez, here’s a compilation of Harvey Sid Fisher informing entertaining infotaining us about what it means to be each of the signs.  If you can’t wait for yours, the breakdown goes like this:

0:00 – “I am, I am, I am the Ram.” (Aries)

0:50 – “Talk about the Taurus, talk about the bully bull bull.”

1:28 – “One twin does the making love, the other likes to watch.” (Gemini)

2:24 – “Moonchild, moonchild…” (Cancer)

3:10 – “I need more sex than most that’s just a fact not a boast.” (Leo)

3:56 – “Virgooooo, VirgoOOOoooOOOooo…”

4:42 – “Lib-Liba-Libra, Lib-Liba-Libra…”

5:29 – “I can see right through your soul and out the other end.” (Scorpio)

6:11 – “I’m a Sag’, I’m a Sag’, I’m a Sag’…” (Sag… ittarius)

6:57 – “I was born a Capra, I was born a Capra, I was born a Capricorn.”

7:48 – “Cuz’ I am in love with humanity, it’s just some people that I cannot stand.” (Aquarius)

8:36 – “Puh-Puh-Puh-Pisces,  Puh-Puh-Puh-Pisces…”

Kinda reminds me of James Quall:

Musical Musings… Mario Paint Masterpieces (For Your Ears!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

(SNES not included)

(SNES not included)

Mario Paint, a staple of the Super Nintendo, was a pretty pointless, but very entertaining gimmick game, like pretty much most of Nintendo’s products through the years.  Gotta love ’em nonetheless!

Anywario, there’s an app floating around on the TripleDoubleU that imitates the old composer portion of Mario Paint, and what would the world be coming to if nerds fans out there didn’t create their own masterpieces!  Well, at least covert other people’s songs into Mario Paint versions.  Some highlights:

Some other good ones:

What is Love? by Haddaway

Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

Take On Me by A-Ha

More options here.

JusWondering… Some Things That Kept Me Up Last Night

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had a rough go at esacaping to dreamland last night, mostly in thanks to some of these thoughts that were splashing around in my brain (I’d have been content if they were swimming).

  1. Does Gatorade freeze?  I’ve never had Gatorade around the house consistently to know for sure, but I would assume it would.  If Gatorade is chemically structured to replace “sweat,” then maybe it doesn’t (unless sweat freezes).  If it does freeze, does it taste okay when thawed (soda pop does not)?  And where can I get a stock of the 32oz. bottles so I don’t always have to stop at 7-11?  (And speaking of G…)
  2. Why is the dance group known as Jabbawockeez kinda scary?  The winners of the first season of Randy Jackson’s America’s Best Dance Crew (or RJABDC for short, or DUM for shorter), are seen at the end of this commercial. 
    They’re good dancers, don’t get me wrong, but they are equally creepy.  Here’s video of them dancing.
  3. What kind of belt should I get?  I don’t like belts.  I never have.  And since they possibly say something about you, what do I want my belt to say about me?  The problem is that the new jeans I purchased were a size too large in order to give me pocket room.
  4. What happened to red, original flavored, Plax?  Should I buy it from online from Amazon?  Did it go away because it didn’t sell well… or because it causes cancer?plax
  5. How does this Korean baby know the words to “Hey Jude” better than me?

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Non-Food Smells

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is going to be a new installment, per my boss (originally – friend), Paul.  He’s says that if I’m going to blog while I’m at work, he’s going to submit lists I have to post on this very site.  Enjoy.

Top 5 Non-Food Smells

1.) New tires (at the tire store

2.) New shoes (especially at a shoe store like Payless

3.) A newborn baby’s head (after a bath)

4.) New tube of tennis balls

5.) Hotel swimming pool (chlorine)

[Ed. – I don’t know how often he encounters any of these, especially since his kids are older, but if they all occurred in one day, that’d sure be an interesting day.)

Happy Find… Game Time With Dave And Greg (SNL Skit)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This past Saturday’s episode of Saturday Night Live (which aired on Saturday… I can’t stop typing Saturday!) was hosted by the charismatic Dwayne Johnson, formerly the Scorpion Stone… or something like that.  I thought this was probably the funniest skit of the night – for what it’s worth.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

 

 

In My Brain While Sleeping… Three Kinds Of Dream Chases

Posted on by sgottahurt

Last night was one of those “I can’t wait to get to bed” nights.  I was out past 3am, which according to daylight savings time was really 4am.  The dreams I had in store for me all had to do with chasing, and well… they were good, bad, and ugly.

THE GOOD CHASE (CAREER)

Google him sometime. Tons of funny pics.

Google him sometime. Tons of funny pics.

Somehow I managed to get backstage at the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.  There I met his four writers.  That was all he had.  That was all he could trust.  After the show, he came back to meet me.  One of the writer’s had suggested that he’d take me on board as a writer, based on this very blog you’re reading (there’s no humility in dreams, I guess).  He said he’d take a chance on me, but first I’d have to pass a test.  What happened next primarily included the four writers, Conan, and myself playing all kinds of picnic games in the park.  I passed (whatever the test was… maybe to have fun?) and was acknowledged as a staff writer.  I was nervous at first about creating new ideas, but once I started mixing it up by ad-libbing with the others, I knew I had found home.

THE BAD CHASE (GOSSIP STORY)

Google Paramore. Not as many funny pics as Conan.

Google Paramore. Not as many funny pics as Conan.

I don’t know if it was while I was working on the show or not, but there was a rumor going around that a musician did something bad.  No one would say what the musician did, or who it was.  After much deliberation (was I a gossip site reporter?), I found out it was Hayley Williams, lead singer of the rock band Paramore.  I never found out what she did, though.

THE UGLY CHASE (DON’T LET HIM GET ME!)

Can I stop dreaming about this please?

BONUS: DOUCHEBAG CHACE

I don't know for sure if Chace Crawford is a DB, but... yeah, he probably is.

I don't know for sure if Chace Crawford is a DB, but... yeah, he probably is.