Humor

In My Brain While Sleeping… An Anthology

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve had some doozies of dreams lately.  Alone, they probably don’t amount to much, but together… they still don’t probably amount to much.  I just think the cast has been strange of late, so here they are, collected as an anthology, separated by photos, natch.

It's a D.L.T. (Duchovny + Leoni + Travolta)

It's a D.L.T. (Duchovny + Leoni + Travolta)

In this dream, David Duchovny and Tea Leoni were still together, and they happened to be the parents of my friend/boss Paul’s kids (his lists are begrudgingly featured on this very site).  Does this mean that I subconsciously refer to them as such?  WTF do I know?  

Anytruthisoutthere, the family went to a campground where the parents and kids stayed on opposite sides. The twisted purpose of the camp was to make the parents forget about their kids as they are set off into the real world alone.  Pretty Roald Dahl-type stuff here. 

So as the weeks and months go by, the two tykes survive in the world with the help of a magical friend, played by John Travolta, looking exactly like he does above for his role in The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3.  As he helps Paul’s kids find their way back to Dave and Tea, Dave and Tea slowly remember that they have kids they need to find.  They prepare to leave the campground after six months, and the child-hating neighbors become suspicious.  When readying to leave their house (must have been a fancy campground), everyone stares through their front windows at them.  It was creepy, trust me.

See what happens when you put Charles in charge.

See what happens when you put Charles in charge.

This was kind of a quick snippet.  In the dream, the TripleDoubleU was all in a tizzy because allegedly there was a quick nude scene in an old episode of Charles in Charge, featuring Nicole Eggert.

Way to go subconscious.  Make dream nudity as geeky as possible.

"Melanie Chartoff and Neil Flynn were sitting in a tree..."

"Melanie Chartoff and Neil Flynn were sitting in a tree..."

I was back in high school in this dream, and the Principal from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose(season one coming to DVD June 30th – yay!) and the Janitor from Scrubs were my principal and janitor.   And I caught them.   Making out.   And possibly more.   I was having a bad day in the dream (of course), and after bearing witness to their deeds, I knew I had carte blanche.   I whistled as I walked the halls, long after the class bells rang.

Meet my brother. He's a Muppet.

Meet my brother. He's a Muppet.

In this last bit, I was in a JC Penney for some reason.  Everybody was dancing around like I was in some sort of musical.  My brother appeared to me in the form of a Muppet and he lead me into the part of the store that basically was Sesame Street.  This probably has to do with what I got him as a birthday gift, but still… weird.

INGREDIENTS: Peanut butter bagels, and probably my growing Twitter addiction (don’t believe my addiction… just check out my last three posts).

Breaking News (If You Care)! Heidi Montag Expecting (If You Can Believe Her Twitter Page)

Posted on by sgottahurt

UPDATE: It was a stupid April Fool’s joke, but then again, look at the perpetrator.

You can see the great certainty with which I’m announcing the the fact that Heidi Montag Tweeted that she’s not only expecting, but she’s hoping it’s a boy.  Is it an April Fool’s Joke?

From her Twitter page:

heidimontagtwitter

Now, I must admit… I’m still not sure the page is real.  She does so much “Bible thumping” and “God is great!” singing and dancing, that it seemed out of character for her.  But alas, I (obviously) do not know her, and I don’t live in L.A. to verify her events, such as her supposed Ryan Seacrest show appearance that was cancelled, so it could be real.

So hey, I guess that kind of puts the kibosh on my wish list plans for next Christmas…

BONUS: Click here to hear her new songs.  Oh, the timing of it all!  What kismet!  Hahaha… KIIS-met!  That’s Seacrest’s station!  And did you also know season five of The Hillsstarts April 6th?  Such serendipity!  Extra emphasis on the dipity!

Worth (More Than) 1002 Words… Pixar Vs. Dreamworks In A Doodled Nut Shell

Posted on by sgottahurt

Um, I have not much more to add to this.  The pictures say it all.  If a photo is worth a thousand words, these doodles have to be at least worth, what… 1672 words?  But no matter what, they sum up my feelings about Pixar and Subpar Dreamworks perfectly.  (Hey, there’s no mention of Finding Nemo?  Oh well.  And I will admit that I did enjoy Over the Hedge, though it bears minimal resemblance to the cartoon strip is was based on.)

pixar-cartoondreamworks-cartoon

(via Filmdrunk and Twitterer Cerebus19)

Happy Find… Twistori

Posted on by sgottahurt

Whether you’re a fan of Twitter or not, there’s an interesting site out there that kinda sorta acts like the ear of Santa Claus, or maybe any of the gods or politicians you heathens pray to… Hail Zeus!  (Or maybe it’s what people call crying help lines about – see below.)

Anywebtrend, the site is Twistori, and it basically searches Twitter for any phrase that contains I love, I hate, I think, I believe, I feel, or I wish (which is basically everybody), and it streams them according to which set you pick.  As proof of narcissism or as a social experiment, it’s pretty neat, I think.  Here’s a couple screen shots, but I love it when you check things out for yourself.  I hate the fact you might miss out on in.  I think you should check it out, srsly.  I believe it’s not-to-be-missed.  I feel it’s one of the more interesting side application websites.  I wish you would visit that site soon.

 (See what I did there?  Ah, go stuff yourself.)

twistorilove

twistoriwish

(I wish I knew what this phone line was all about.)

JusWondering… Apparently I Don’t Know Where Babies Come From

Posted on by sgottahurt

The after-effect of a drunken Snuggie Pub Crawl.

The after-effect of a drunken Snuggie Pub Crawl.

 (pic from MomLogic via Switched)

Snuggies have taken pop culture by storm, and in this case, a baby hostage. 

I know thought I’ve written about them before, and I know thought I’ve posted this video before (it’s a shame when you can’t even find shit on your site), but here we go again for the first time(?):

But how does one even go about putting on a Baby Snuggie?  It has to be one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen AND one of the worst ideas on top of that!  Think about it.  Babies make stinkies a lot… and unless you’re a fan of Dutch ovens (no, not that link – this one), do you really want to wear a sweater that captures that scent?  And uh, if you have a baby attached to your hipchest, how are you going to challenge those Muay Thai fighters and save the rec center?

Now I’m not knocking Snuggies on all accounts.  There are pub crawls held for good causes that require participants be cloaked in the backwards robes.  I may even participate in one…  Who’s thinkin’ drink specials?

I’m just wondering what the next comfort craze will be.  Perhaps this?

Is the shield a pillow?

Is the shield a pillow?

(These pajamas are real)

JusWondering… Is This Too Political? Or Just-About-Right? (Update)

Posted on by sgottahurt

(UPDATE: Had to add video at the end… just had to…)
Remember that post I did about  a week ago where I said I might have been wanting a Dodge Charger?

Consider that post redacted.  After coming to terms with the fact that I might be a follower, coupled with the fact that I’m seeing so many consarn Dodge Chargers, it makes me think I’m back in the year 2000 again, and I’m going to start seeing a shit-ton of these:

2000 Mercury Cougar, as opposed to middle-aged divorcees that crave strapping young lads - that would be the 2009 Mercurial Cougar.

2000 Mercury Cougar, as opposed to a middle-aged divorcee that craves strapping young lads - that would be the 2009 Mercurial Cougar (pictured below).

(I had a difficult time finding a clean pic.)

(I had a difficult time finding a clean pic.)

 

My point being this: there must be some kind of huge special clearance event because too many were made, and now everybody has one.  At my office, I’ve seen three in the small back parking lot – two black, one white.  Sometimes, to be cute I guess, the two black ones will park by each other.  All I can say is enough is enough.

I’m not even in the market for a car anyway, but I fear it’s the sign of the times for the Big Three (namely GM and Chrysler), over here in Detroit, and I’d probably rather see even more Chargers on the road than none at all.

I heard that President Obama wants the companies asking for federal aid (our money, via taxes) to re-evaluate their restructuring plans, and to start, GM’s hand was forced in letting go of CEO Rick Wagoner. 

What would I suggest as their next move?  I think Governor Granholm should use some of that supposed studio space we’re building to lure Hollywood here, and host a reality show to find the new head of the company.  I see plenty of guys outside the cell phone stores holding signs that’d be more than willing to give it a good shot. 

They’re already doing the work of sticks in the mud.  How much harder could it be to run GM?

"I'm the Rhymenocerous..."

"I'm the Rhymenocerous..."

(via mruffi)

I’m Like Scooby Doo When It Comes To G-G-G-G-Ghosts!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Anyone that knows me knows I’m a wuss when it comes to ghosts.  Simply the inkling of the thought of the possibility puts me in tears (I said I’m a wuss).  Not every story can get to me.  Well, most can.  And let’s just say it’d be a bad idea for me to watch Ghost Hunters all alone.

So imagine the water that welled up in my eyes when I saw this pic in AOL News:

I really, really, really, really hate this photo.

I really, really, really, really hate this photo.

My eyes were swimming again even as I posted it.

Quick break.  My three greatest fears are as follows:

  1. Ghosts
  2. Candiru
  3. Commitment

Anywhoyagonnacall, according to AOL News:

Experts on the paranormal are scratching their heads over this image, showing an odd figure apparently wearing period clothes and peering from a window in a Scottish castle. The shot was taken by a tourist in May of last year and made public Friday by scholar Richard Wiseman, who received it when he invited people from around the world to send him their photos of ghosts.  (Photo by Christopher Aitchison)

Ugh… Story time.

When The Sixth Sense originally came out, I returned to my apartment late at night.  As I made the way toward my room, I started getting chills up my spine, which according to the movie meant there was a spectral presence.  I darted through the remainder of the living room, while the chills intensified, and dove into the tent in which I slept (#8 on Fact Sheet).  It did not help matters that there was the ghost in a tent in the movie.  (Fuck you, young Mischa Barton!)

Then there was the time at my uncle’s house, where we were all recounting ghost stories, and he popped up in their kitchen window wearing a mask… I dove so fast I broke their dining room chair.

Think happy thoughts… think happy thoughts…

I don't know if this is funny or scary in a different way...

I don't know if this is funny or scary in a different way...

InASense, Lost… When Food And Robots (Plus Dinosaurs And Village People) Combine

Posted on by sgottahurt

I have suddenly and not-so-inexplicably become obsessed with something from my youth.  No, it’s not the Sesame Street Playset that I accidentally won on eBay (and will be giving to my brother for his upcoming birthday – glad he doesn’t read this blog, even though I always ask him to!)

It’s even better than that:

I completely forgot about them!  And in doing research to try to find out more about the robots-in-disfries, I stumbled upon these guys and was further surprised:

Don't remember these... is this when the fam discovered Taco Bell?

Don't remember these... is this when the fam discovered Taco Bell?

McDino Changeables?  Isn’t that going a little bit too far?

But how could I ever forget this crew:

They're like the Village People of fast food.

They're like the Village People of fast food.

I don’t know what’s been going on lately other than I haven’t been drinking as much (which I wrecktified last night), so I have a hard time falling asleep (which is probably a bad thing on a whole bunch of different levels).

Whatever this nostalgia malady is all about, I hope it ends soon.

…I just bid on some McDino Changeables…

Happy Find… Hypnotic Videos

Posted on by sgottahurt

I am so mad right now (despite this being a Happy Find). 

I hope that most of you have seen it already, but I really, really, really wanted to post a video called She’s a Talker, but the guy who put it on YouTube has since taken it down.  Basically, it was 73 different (allegedly) gay men brushing their pet cats and saying – what else – “She’s a talker.”  It was hypnotic more than funny (well, actually, more than halfway through when you realize how many guys are doing and saying the exact same thing, it becomes humorous). 

But anywhiskers, here was my planned lead-in hypnotic video (and yes, that’s Lynn Redgrave, Mindy Cohn, and Ruth Buzzi… I don’t know how I kept my pants on):

(via Everything is Terrible, my new favorite blog)

BONUS NOSTALGIC ELECTRONIC HYPNOTIC SWIRL 

(via Hipster Runoff, my always favorite blog):

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “HIPSTER RUNOFF | A Blog Worth Bloggin…“, posted with vodpod

JusWondering… Am I A Follower?

Posted on by sgottahurt

The other day, as I was walking into the office, I realized something.  Although I had parked in a far spot and the quickest route to the building’s entrance would have been over the grass, I followed the concrete walk.

But am I not a trailblazer?  Am I not a man of my own convictions?  I thought about this for a bit once I got to my desk, and I chalked it up to being “green” and worrying about “the environment.”

Then later, as I was logging into Twitter to do some Tweeting, I thought about how popular the micro-blogging site seems to be getting since I joined in the fun, and it lead me to wonder… did I sign up before I started hearing about it everywhere, or did I sign up because I started hearing about it everywhere?

unempdad1

(via Unemployed Dad)

Then later still, I found myself taking a survey… and as I awaited the results, I hoped I was in the majority.  I longed for getting mixed in with the masses.  (Sure, it was a survey about Chris Brown and Rihanna, so of course I would pray that the majority was thinking like me.)  But I always thought of myself as a guy that lived outside the box, not in it (unless perhaps I am the box… doubt it).

So who else out there thinks this commercial is funny enough to make it their voice mail?