Food

In My Brain While Sleeping… The All-New Goldfish Cracker Mascot

Posted on by sgottahurt

Pepperidge Farm has been making Goldfish Crackers since the founder got the idea from Switzerland in 1962.  These days, just being a cheesy cracker isn’t enough.  You gotta have flavors, as well as flava:

These are just the tip of the fishbowl.

As you can see, the latest incarnation of the mascot is fond of sunglasses.  He’s also fond of having a name: Finn.  In fact, there are many characters in the commercials, which is weird, since it’s mostly geared at kids (I presume), and the kids eat them.  Hrm.

What’s weird is I don’t eat Goldfish Crackers of any variety.  And I’ve never seen any commercials.  But last night I had a dream in which Finn changed his look to this:

(Fairly Accurate) Artistic Representation

DREAM INGREDIENTS: Five tall Coors Light drafts, one turkey and cheese Lunchable (can Lunchables be singular?), and a peanut butter-covered bagel.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Crappy Commercials

Posted on by sgottahurt

How bad would it feel to go from having a great guest spot as rapper Lil’ Kev on a popular TV show like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

To having your voice over dubbed (or playing a voice actor’s body) in this TurboTax commercial:

Just Shitty, I’d imagine.  But compared to these other shittier commercials, this one is The Shit.

DUMB AS SHIT

Airborne Effervescent Tablets not only rip-off an old special effect from a 1992 movie, it contains one of the dumbest looking and sounding animated spokescharacters I’ve ever seen.  Mix that with the lawsuit Airborne faced a couple years ago regarding misleading advertising, and it wins being Dumb as Shit.  (I was going to make an inappropriate comment about the tablets not giving the woman her boobs back, but I opted not to.)

ANNOYING AS SHIT

I like the J. Geils Band, and I’m sure that Energizer Lithium Batteries work great, but the version of the music used in this ad drives me up the wall.  It butchers the hook, and keeps going and going and going…

CRAPPY AS SHIT

Happy’s Pizza is a local pizzeria (natch), and this is the commercial they ran around Halloween last year.  I’ve written about how poor their ad department is before, but this one takes the cake pizza pie.

InASense, Lost… InASense, Confused… InASense, No Longer Hungry

Posted on by sgottahurt

This was originally going to be a simpler post.  A lackadaisical examination of Google’s search engine.  An uncovering of why any time you type in an actress’ name the second search result is her name +feet.  But then this happened:

And the Masters of the Microwave

I watched the original version in Italian on their website, and it confounded me.  I hoped the subtitled version would help… and… well… check it out for yourself:

JusWondering… What Does 37 Mean To Me?

Posted on by sgottahurt

So like I JusWondered above:

What does 37 mean to me?

Perhaps an old Michelle Pfeiffer film?

It also starred Peter Gallagher.

Perhaps mutant Detroit Tigers’ pitcher Max Scherzer?

He's a better pitcher than a belly itcher.

Perhaps a rather blue scene from the black-and-white film Clerks?

Oh, wait.  I remember.  That’s how old I am now.

This is about right.

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Mini-Thems

Posted on by sgottahurt

I didn’t always have a blog, if you can believe that.  This posts imagines what I might have written about when Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me came out… in 1999.

Oh behave!

I can’t get the sequel to Mike Myers’ Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery out of my head.  This is the main reason why:

Mini-Me and Dr. Evil

They were hilarious!  A clone identical in every way… just one-eighth his size.  But their odd pairing got me thinking, where have I seen this before?

Let’s start with…

Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo

Scrappy was Scooby’s beloved nephew, not a clone.  Nor was he really all that much of comic relief.  So maybe it’s not them…

Garfield and Nermal

There was no relationship between Garfield and Nermal, but at least Nermal was the color gray, like the good doctor and his clone’s uniforms.  And I might have thought the old comic strip was funny at one point.  But still…

Godzilla and Minya

Godzilla was the father of Minya, but he could have also been a nuclear reaction that was called “son.”  They were cute together, and Minya was about as useful as Mini-Me.  Let me think a bit more…

Kermit and Robin

Kermit is Robin’s uncle, but their cut from the same cloth, literally.  Or should I say, the same felt.  Robin is similar to Kermit in every way, just one-eighth his size… and confidence.  Wait!  I’ve got it!

You should try Frosted Evil Wheats.

Degrees Of Happy Finds

Posted on by sgottahurt

The Wonder Bread Years

There are degrees to which I get happy about my Happy Finds.

For websites such as Celebrity School Pics, it makes me more sad than happy to find out they have a section devoted to porn stars… so this non-charting Happy Find would be a Meh Find.

Then there are sites like Bread People that entertain me, but not for long, like a pita roll compared to a baguette, so they merit the most generic of Happy Finds.  What else could set the bar other than bread humor?

Memba this?

Pica Pic can be considered an Excited Happy Find because sites like it provide unlimited interactivity… until you get bored with its unlimited interactivity.  There’s a reason Nintendo stopped making Game & Watch… and most recently it’s called the 3DS.

The last level of Happy Find is the Ultimate Happy Find.  It usually ends up relating to a site full of videos, and tends to be updated somewhat regularly.  It likely has misses, but there are enough hits to keep you coming back.  One example might be Bad Lip Reading.  Check out this sample:

JusWondering… Why Does This Commercial Make Me Talk To My TV?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Normally, television commercials are skipped by me with the simple press of a button.  Especially when they are ads like this shitty local one (I didn’t even want to post it here, so you’ll have to click on those words).

But this commercial…

I don’t know what it is about it…

I can’t seem to skip past it.

And to top it off, I actually talk to my TV while it’s on!  So strange…

(SIDENOTE: But not as strange as what’s in the lower right hand-corner of this screen.)

Drunken Recollection… Latitudes, Longitudes, And Flucrush

Posted on by sgottahurt

Everything's eventual... don't be in such a "flucrush."

This has to be one of the strangest bar arguments I ever got into.

It was at trivia, which is a rarer thing these days, and a question came up:

At what latitude is the north pole?

And at first I thought zero, but then we remembered the equator is zero.  So our (my) next “logical” jump was to say 180.  We paused on 90, but stuck with 180, and answered incorrectly.  We weren’t mad about that.  But it jump-started one of the loudest vocal challenges.  Degrees, and spheres, and pi (yes the pi without the e), and Tropic of Cancer, and Prime Meridian, and pumpkins were involved and shouted.  (The pumpkin still at the bar provided a nice example of the way longitude is measured.) No one jumped in; no one told us to quiet down; everyone looked.

I was going to explain the resolution of our semantics, but then I realized that’s even worse than what’s above.

So I’ll mention the invention of a new word – flucrush – and that it’s pronounced FLUH-KRUSH, not FLOO-KRUSH.  It has no meaning, but you’ll know when to use it.

A Handful Of… Foods I Will Never Try

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m not an adventurous sort when it involves my taste buds… which is a terrible way to put I don’t like a lot of different foods.  So this post won’t include anything “shocking” unless you consider #4 unsettling.

Here it is!  The short list you’ve been dying for!  A Handful Of Foods I Will Never Try!

1) BANANA SPLIT

The sexual innuendos are innumerable.

What’s wrong with a banana split?  Sure, I enjoy (most) flavors of ice cream and whip cream, and though I’m no fan of cherries, they can easily be removed.  What’s wrong with a banana split?  The banana!

2) OCTOPUS

I tried to find the most appetizing presentation to be fair. This won. And lost.

I’m no fan of seafood (nor mollusks), but I have tried:

  • shrimp (gross)
  • lobster (gross)
  • escargot (not bad, but once was enough)
  • sushi (not bad – could try again)

I draw the line at octopi.  You could say it’s a Red Wings thing.

3) JELLIED PIG’S FEET

Only thing worse: Jello'd Pig's Feet

This shouldn’t be on this list because it’s obvious, and could be tied into #4, but it’s made the list because IT’S BEEN OFFERED TO ME.  IN PERSON.  AT A FRIEND’S HOME.  (When we were kids, but still…)

4) ANYTHING FROM REALITY SHOWS

See also: Survivor Chow

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or Joe Rogan) to deduce that I would not try anything people eat out of necessity in desolate countries and trick foreigners into eating by dubbing it a local delicacy.

(SIDENOTE: Welcome back, Fear Factor!  And Joe Rogan!)

5) McRib

The modern Halley's Comet.

Food items this has that I don’t like:

  • Barbecue sauce – check
  • Onion slices – check
  • Pickles slices – check
  • Rubbery, pressed meat product – check

Unofficial Trilogy… Halloween Horror Oreo Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m especially proud of this Unofficial Trilogy… The Halloween Horror Oreo:

Horror films always mess with our heads, even in the posters.

It’s very possible that you haven’t heard of any of these films, and if you did, it’s probably more likely that you’ve never seen them.  Watch them!  And in this order.  The Oreo-ness will become apparent soon enough.

The Brood

This David Cronenberg film proves my theory that size matters in regard to what’s scary.  I would explain what this film was about, but I fear (ha!) it would give too much away.  Cronenberg is known primarily for his “body horror” films, and this one is no different.  Watch it first to set the dark mood…

The Stuff

This goofier horror film about a dessert that turns people into zombies is the cream-filling needed to clean your palette after The Brood, and prepare you for…

Frailty

This film is atmospheric as fuck.  And well-written.  And well-directed.  And well-acted, which is weird considering Matthew McConaughey is in it.  It’s about the sons of a serial killer that believes he’s carrying out God’s plans.  Man, is this dark movie good… unlike my write-ups on all these films.

So in closing, when you ask me:

Trick or treat?

You’ll have to watch this Unofficial Horror Oreo Trilogy to find out!