Food

I Am Thankful For… Hard Salami

Posted on by sgottahurt

Is it so wrong that I want to stuff you in my mouth?

Is it so wrong that I want to stuff you in my mouth?

To begin, turkey has somehow become the big brother of Thanksgiving feasts (ham is the little brother).  I’m sure there’s a very good folk tale/reason why turkeys have taken the head spot despite having no head, but I don’t really feel like looking into it. 

(Okay, I did look into it, but it’s a little boring.  It involves some queen of England eating a goose and the Pilgrims finding turkeys in America easier… blah, blah, blah.  I did learn that wild turkeys can run up to 55 miles an hour, though.)

If there could be a middle brother, though, allow me to suggest this – hard salami. 

You may wonder, “Why hard salami?”  I say, “Because.”  If you’re lucky to already have hard salami as a part of your holiday meal, then you can stop reading.  For those that don’t understand… here is my back up response to because:

  • Even though it thinks it’s hard, it’ s really easy.
  • It’s like giant pepperonis, but better.  (And I sure love me some pepperoni.)
  • I don’t know what they put in it, and I don’t want to know.  It keeps it mysterious.
  • I could eat it every single day, even if faced against something from Taco Bell.  (Only if either item was free, though.  If I had to pay, I’m sure the Taco Bell would be cheaper and thus win.)
  • It’s great with mozzarella on a plain bagel.  Trust me.
  • I bet it would be Jack Bauer’s favorite food.

(SIDENOTE: When Google image searching “hard salami,” I was afraid of what might come up.  The following was a pleasant surprise.)

Rachel Bilson... hard salami...too easy.

Rachel Bilson... hard salami...too easy.

InASense, Lost… Naked Chocolate

Posted on by sgottahurt

Anthropomorphizing candy is one thing, sexualizing it is another.  Making an M&M nude falls somewhere off the charts.

Today is chock full of disillusionment.  I’m going to bed early.

Here’s Some Tasty Competition, Taco Bell! (I Still <3 U)

Posted on by sgottahurt

La Shish kabob-bye!

La Shish kabob-bye!

I always pass closed La Shish restaurants in my travels, and it makes me sad that shady underpinnings (a euphemism for alleged terrorist funding if there ever was one) forced them to go, um, under.  Although I’d eaten at one of the original restaurants more than once (I assume that either of the Michigan Avenue locations in Dearborn was the first), I always thought it would be great that a local Arab cuisine could go national as a chain.

Oh well.  C’est la shish…  Other versions of La Shish have popped up in its place, even stealing its logo design, but they don’t have the same momentum as the original.  That is why I suggest going another route and follow My Taco Bell Plan.

In only one weekend, I can train any entrepreneur how to climb that mountain of creating a monster franchise and ring that bell at the top!

  • Step 1)  You need a catchy name.  Witness how Taco Bell rolls off the tongue.  Taaaaco Bell, Taaacooo Belllll.  La Shish worked well, but it name is tarnished.  My suggestion: Kebob Stop.  My other client, Dim Sum Gong, is already achieving some success.
  • Step 2) Ah, not so fast… you’re going to have to subscribe to my program to learn the rest.  For a flat fee of $20,000, I will teach you details to secrets like these: Lego style food design (Taco Bell makes, like, 30 dishes out of, like, eight items), signing a deal with PepsiCo (you have to get Mt. Dew, I promise you), and After Hours marketing (drinking and fast food go hand-in-hand… as does anonymous sex).

I’m also looking for developers for my Pierogi To Go and Taka Sushi restaurants.  Act now!