Drunken Recollection… Bible Thumping, Veggie Trumping, And Movie Pumping

Some of the conversations the crew and I have had over brews lately make me feel like I should be running my sister’s sister-site, SomethingKnew.  On her page, she goes over all the new things she learns every day – mine are things I learn over every beer.

  • Which Testament of the Bible has more books (at least according to what us Roamin’ Catholics were taught)?  We honestly had no idea, but courtesy of the TripleDoubleU on my new iPhone, there are 46 books in the Old Testament vs. 27 books in the New Testament.  The number I have heard of from both?  Maybe 30 (I didn’t feel like counting).  The number I have read?  Zero.
  • Carotene is found in carrots.  Carotene?  Carrots!  Is there bananatene in bananas?  Does Ovaltine come from ovals (sorry about the Seinfeld rip)?  Perhaps teenatene is what causes youngsters to turn emo (because it’s like the stuff in onions that makes you cry)?  Okay, I’m done.

    Teenatene was first discovered by German scientists.

    Teenatene was first discovered by German scientists.

  • What is the longest running film series?  I didn’t want to include James Bond because I figured it was automatically the longest at 22 films.  Research lead me to this: a lot people argue about this.  Some consider the length to start from the first in the series; some count every incarnation.  Many webheads reference different foreign film series that are unknown to me, so I’ve decided the second longest series is this:
    Part 14 will be "roaring" into stores this year.
    Part 14 will be “roaring” into stores this year.

    And the third longest is this:

    Part 10 will be "pulling your strings" soon!
    Part 10 will be “pulling your strings” soon!

    (Friday the 13th could be argued for hitting 12 films, but that series is dead to me.)

JusWondering… Will This Be My Only Gag About The Oscars?

I’m totally writing this to steal someone else’s joke.  I’ll give credit to my sister’s friend I don’t know, but that’s as far as I can go.

At this year’s Oscars, Sofia Loren looked like a deep-fried lioness.

I’d add minus the breading, but I digress.  God, answer me one question – why Lisa Rinna AND Joey Fatone?  One’s bad, but both?!

Happy Deep Fried Twinkie Day!

Happy Deep Fried Twinkie Day!

Happy Paczki Day/Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras/Any Given Tuesday!

Hey… here’s the thing about today.  It’s Paczki Day (pronounced: punch-key) in Detroit.  It’s a Polish name, for sure.  Everywhere else it’s Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras.  Today is the day before Ash Wednesday and the start of Lent and blah blah blah

All most people care about here are these:

Mmmm... paczkis...

Mmmm... paczkis...

I am not a fan, and have never been a fan, despite being of the same descent as the fried jelly- and custard-filled pastries.

I was kidding about the mmmm...

I was kidding about the mmmm...

 I’m sure it has more to do with the fact that I’m not a fan of jelly, custard, or deep-frying…

Srsly, keep... them... away!

Srsly, keep... them... away!

 …except in the case of these (where’s their holiday?):

They're like sugarized air. Let me breathe you in.

They're like sugarized air. Let me breathe you in.

Drunken Recollection… Drinking Math Still Sucks

Math is fun (yeah, right).  And as I’ve mentioned before, drinking math is not.

So today, I’m just going to lay out some basic numbers when it comes to me and my imbibing.

  • Number of miles that I’m able to handle a hangover: 21.44
  • Maximum number of hours I can handle working: 6.5
  • Maximum number of hours I can handle drinking: 8
  • Percentage of beer left in bottle before I order next bottle: 50
  • Number of days per week I’m at the bar: 4
  • Number of days per weekend I’m at the bar: 1
  • Average time I should stay at each bar on St. Patrick’s Day: 2
  • Amount of bars I would like to visit on St. Patrick’s Day: 6
  • Amount of bars I will actually visit on St. Patrick’s Day: 3, tops

Also, here’s a chart I made based on many experiences:

Dmitri Martin eat your Taco Bell heart out!

Demetri Martin eat your Cheesy Double Beef Burrito out!

In My Brain While Sleeping… Drugs, YouTube, Annoying Hosts, And Soup

Okay… I wasn’t going to post this dream, but it hasn’t stopped me before.  You may wish that I’d stuck to my guns, but I misfired.

The bulk of the dream consisted of the introduction of a new drug called something like Avilify.  Basically, by taking this pill daily, your body maintained a homeostatic temperature that kept you comfortable whether you were in 110° F or -10° F (sorry, but I don’t know Celsius).  Another feature of the product was you only needed six hours of sleep per day.  You couldn’t sleep more and you couldn’t sleep less.

avilify-copy1

Ask your doctor all about it! Because we sure won't tell you what it does in the commercials!

While this is all fine and dandy as far as dreams go, the part I’m leary to bring up is… well, Ryan Seacrest and I became friends.

How that came to be was I was the head of marketing for Avility, and he was to be the spokesman.  We ended up making YouTube videos of him mocking celebrity advertisements, like the film Crazy People did.

Example: 

ryancampbell-copy

What my Grandma used to make me eat.

In effect, his popularity soared even more, and I made crap loads of money.  Avilify changed my life!

JusWondering… What Yesterday Wrought

Believe me when I say I was going to bore you with the details of my yesterday in comparison with what I expected it to be two days ago.  You know that whole random winter Tuesday/Wednesday gag.  So instead, I’m only going to bore you with highlights.

I’ll just note that things weren’t too far off from what I predicted as well as not at all the same!

  • I started moving at 6:01 am (alarm clock time), which means I ignored one whole minute.  Not a good start.
  • I ended up having a morning that was beyond snooze happy, and had to cut out some of the morning essentials.  I still ate a Pop Tart with  organic milk (Brown Sugar Cinnamon won).
  • On the road, the only construction I ran into was right by my house.  I did get sleepy around Bowling Green, so I stopped at Meijer for a candy bar.  (It was a Milky Way bar, since they were out of Reese’s Fast Breaks… I fear this treat’s days are numbered.)
  • I quickly gave up the notion of seeing a Denny’s for my free breakfast.  I thought they might not exist in Ohio.  I did end up getting a free lunch, though (the company’s VP bought me a bar burger from the joint next door).
  • Things were going well.  I only had to run two network cable lines.  There was a slight struggle getting the router and the modem to communicate, but overall, it looked like I was leaving early…
  • The Snag.  I knew in my gut that there was going to be one, but I figured it would have to do with the wiring or a pc issue.  Better yet.  The router I went down to Findlay to install was to unite the offices so their printers would work better.  This was the reason for the visit.  The router I had no longer came with this feature included.  In fact, it could no longer even be purchased as an add-on.  This meant I had to find a VPN router replacement stat.  Unfortunately, the closest store to carry it was in Toledo.  Here’s some maps:
Between office and store.

Between office and store.

 

Between office and home.
Between office and home.

 

  •  Bonus Potential Snag.  The key given to me to get back in since the workers would be gone was the wrong key.  Luckily someone was still there.  Whew!
  • While I was waiting for printer files to install, I did get to work on a post for Old Men at the Bar.  The computer seized up on me, and I feared all was lost!  Only a little was lost.
  • I finally got back on the road home about 7 pm.  It was three hours later than I anticipated.  On my way back I stopped in Bowling Green to get gas and a Mt. Dew from Meijer.  The Dew tasted like it was mixed with some paint thinner, or something, but I was thirsty. 
  • As I neared the Ohio/Michigan border, I saw a billboard for an upcoming Denny’s.  In Toledo.

JusWondering… What Will Tomorrow/Today Bring?

My experiment for the day (the day being Tuesday, or today as you may be reading this now, or long ago on a random winter Tuesday if you find this in the future – ah, you get the idea)…

I am going to guess the events of my tomorrow tonight.

For work, I am set to go on a road trip to Ohio, and it’s been yeeeaaaarssss since I’ve been able to do this.  I have my iPod charged, my Mt. Dew and water bottles ready for the drive, the car loaded with supplies, and… okay, I know Ohio isn’t far from me in Detroit and Findlay isn’t that far into Ohio, but it’s still great to get away.  Here’s my planned/hoped itinerary:

6 am – My alarm will start going off.  It’s actually 5:42 am because I set my alarm ahead 18 minutes to get me two extra nine minute snoozes (I’m a snooze addict).

7:12 am – I will consider starting to get moving, but I’ll remember the clock is fast and I know I can get another two snoozes in.

7:30 am – I will kick on the radio, grab a Pop Tart (I’ll consider the Hot Fudge Sundae, but will go with the Chocolate Fudge considering it’s not as messy), and pore some organic milk (see Theory Sheet up above for reason why).

8:15 am– A shower, a toothbrushing, a drying, and a dressing later, I will be hitting the road, and moving off alarm clock time.

early 9 o’clock hour – I will see a Denny’s restaurant and evaluate my hunger and time frame levels.  Denny’s is supposed to be giving out free Grand Slams from 6am to 2pm.  I will suspect that I am not hungry due to the Pop Tart and will keep on trucking.

dennys1

around 10 am – I’ll be arriving at the client, ready to perform the job at hand.  I’m slated for six hours of setting up equipment and running wires.

around 10:15 am – I will find out there is some catch to the wiring job, i.e. there is no ladder, no drop ceiling… something that will put a snag in the time frame.

around 10:20 am – I will come up with some workaround.

around noon – I’ll realize I haven’t eaten since 7:30 am (7:12 am real time).  I’ll consider leaving to grab a bite, but I’ll be in the middle of something and decide to work through it.

around 1 pm – I’ll call the Detroit office because the planned connection between locations will have some type of issue.

around 2 pm– Another surprise – spyware is on a pc!

around 3 pm – I’m really starving, but the end is in sight!

around 4 pm – I’ll be packing up equipment for the ride home.  I’ll be wishing I stopped at Denny’s.

around 5:30 pm – After making it through a slight traffic jam in near Bowling Green (and stopping at the Meijer store located there for no reason), I’ll see the Denny’s I should have stopped at, and stop at a Taco Bell instead.

around 7 pm– I’ll finally arrive home, and realize I didn’t get a chance to write an entry for my other blog, Old Men at the Bar, because I was too tired for it last night/right now (how meta).

around 8 pm – I’ll realize there’s nothing on TV I want to watch, and I’ll be glad that I saved the last DVD from the 3rd Season of Weeds for tonight.  I’ll hope there’s more than two episodes left, because I’m hoping that right now.  A few minutes into the show, I’ll pause it and grab my laptop and write a post to see how the day compared to my expectations.

See you again tomorrow!  (Wednesday!)  (That random winter Wednesday long ago!)

My Heart(s) All A Twitter

There’s some things that are popular that I get, and there are somethings I don’t.  Then there are some I’m afraid to look too into out of fear of never escaping.  Such a curious mind can leave you with dementied brain dents you can never straighten out (I have four – FOUR* – images burnt into my retinas that will never leave me just because I had to go poking around on the TripleDoubleU).  And then there’s always the possibility of addiction (see my Songsmith post below).

And that, dear friends, is why I avoid things like Facebook and Twitter.  This WordPress blog is consuming enough.  One of my friends, Aaron, just started a Facebook profile and he’s spiraling down the drain like a dead goldfish in a toilet.

What I decided to do was test out the concept of Twitter, which is mini-blog you maintain through out the day.  How about you better explain it, Mr. Wiki:

Twitter is a free social networking and micro-blogging service that allows its users to send and read other users’ updates (otherwise known as tweets), which are text-based posts of up to 140 characters in length.

Okay, so pretty much what I said, not counting that mini vs. micro prefix.  So to illustrate how busy I am on a random day at work, allow me to present my Twitter test run.

10:35amI’m at a client cleaning spyware.  Hearts kicked my ass, but not bad enough for me to quit.  Is it bad that I quit when I’m losing?

11:27am – I answered questions after figuring out what was asked.  I held a door for a woman and she said there are still gentlemen in this world.

11:45amI was going to let a semi merge in front of me on freeway.  I used to battle truckers.  Since I’m nice now I think they look out for me.

12:02pmAt office, a minivan took its sweet time parking so I cut it off for the good spot.  So much for being a gentleman.  I had 2 pc’s to carry.

12:21pmProper restroom etiquette occurred whilst kids dropped off at pool.  Cannot linger when another is in the stall… it’s just not cool.

12:38pmHave to upgrade my copy of Quickbooks, but CD is in another pc.  Too lazy to get up.  Remoting in to share drive and install.  Win!

1:06pmAt Taco Bell (‘natch) some dude stole my cheesy double beef burritos from counter!  Was it a scam or coincidence?  I’m thinking scam.

1:39pmAt Best Buy wrestled with buying Prince of Persia for $40.  Prince of Persia won.

2:13pmMeaning to look into Drunken Recollection from last night.  Does blood thin in summer and thicken in winter?  Nurse/cousin Liz says no.

2:15pm –  Nurse/cousin Liz is right: http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C0CE4DE1630F935A35751C0A966958260

2:31pmDave at work asks if I’d rather see Donkey Punch (again) or Street Fighter Chun Li.  I pick Donkey Punch.

2:32pmDave then asks if I’d rather see Donkey Punch or Tyler Perry movie.  I say Family that Preys got good reviews, so that, but not Madea.

2:33pmDave then asks if I’d rather see Street Fighter or Pink Panther 2.  I say Pink Panther… barely.

2:54 pmA brand new pc’s Windows is missing so I run the restore.  While it’s restoring, I work on this entry.  I think I might like Twitter.

*Some may say “Just four?” but these four are enough for me.

Mr. Roarke Is No Moare

Ricardo Montalban, aged 88, has passed away.  He is best known for portraying Mr. Roarke on “Fantasy Island” and Khan in the second “Star Trek” film (and, of course, the original series, duh).

My lasting memory of him will remain in the form of this commercial that mixes two of my favorite things – Taco Bell and talented lions (which Detroit is in great need of):

If I had known you were still around recently, you would be greatly missed.  May you please settle for moderately missed.
Hopefully that's what's awaiting you big guy... not another you... ah, forget it

Hopefully, that's what's awaiting you, big guy... no, not another you... ah, forget it

InASense, Lost… There’s Always Room For Jello – From Hell!

After a full day of recovery from the nightmare that was New Years Day (although I did enjoy the NHL Winter Classic game between the Detroit Red Wings and the Chicago Blackhawks and “Hamlet 2“), I can finally pinpoint and take issue with the source of my dismay: Jello Shots.

I will be having nightmares.

I will be having nightmares.

Now, in concept and in limited amount, Jello shots aren’t really much trouble.  They’re not much of anything, other than, I guess the illusion of fun.

But here’s the truth – they’re time bombs.  Ticking wiggly fruit-flavored time bombs.  Especially if you eat, like, 30 of them (maybe it was less, but to say less seems wussy… so I’m sticking with 30!).  On top of that, you’ve been working on polishing off a keg for four hours.  And I know my body has a rough go at handling one kind of liquor, let alone a plethora.

Fuck those little sweet M-80’s.  I pray I never seem them again for awhile any time soon.

Bill Cosby… how could you have forsaken me?