Film

Apparently I’m An Actor And I Didn’t Know It

Posted on by sgottahurt

Check out this commercial (only watch first part or else your head may quite actually explode):

Now check out me:

In my pimping days

In my pimping days

Unless all kids looked the same back in the day… I was pretty good friends with Marzon.

Now it’s not like I haven’t acted before.  As I state in my Fact Sheet above, I was in Billy Crystal’s HBO meh-fest, “61*.”  Here’s a couple shots of me acting my chops out:

I played Guy Happy to be at Game #154

I played Guy Happy to be at Game #154

Upstaged by Marzon first; Mickey Mantle's grandson second

Upstaged by Marzon first; Mickey Mantle's grandson second

An opportunity recently presented itself to me, here in Michigan.  My talents are wanted yet again:

Hi,
We are looking for a Hand double for Adrien Brody’s hand.
If interested and available. please send a photo of your hand with your fingers spread apart on a flat surface.
Filming is in Howell, MI. Rate is $120.00 for 8 hours and overtime after 8.
Please include your name and phone number in your reply email. Please also provide your ring size if you know it.
Thanks.

All right… I’ll admit that it wasn’t sent directly to me, but I know my hands can do it.  They’re very good actors – trust me.  Hey, Marzon was a prima donna, and Mantle’s grandson forced me to feign excitement, like, six times. 

How difficult would it be to play Adrien Brody’s hands?  My hands can check the time.  Flip the pages of a book.  Type.  Make a sandwich.  Hold things.  Drop things.  Throw things.  Flick things.  Pet a co-star’s head.  I guess they could even caress a co-star’s breast, if needed.  *wink*wink*   (Although, I should double-check who’s in it.)  They can do anything!  (Except gut a fish.  Please don’t make them gut a fish.  Or hook a worm.  I have bad memories from my pimping days…)

Three Men And A Comeback (Wait… That Sounds Bad)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Today must be 80’s day, and for that I’m extremely thankful.  The word through the pipelines that is the TripleDoubleU is Steve Guttenberg, Ted Danson, and Tom Selleck are in talks to reunite and finally complete the “Three Men and a…” Trilogy.

According to Guttenberg:

It’s called “Three Men and A Bride.” The script is pretty much written and we are really keen to get that made. We’re very hopeful.  (via IMDb)

They’re very hopeful?!  I’m fucking-on-the-edge-of-my-seat hopeful.  I’m I’ll-go-without-shitting-until-this-thing-is-released hopeful.  I’m on pins and needles that have herpes and syphilis and AIDS on them serious.  I’ve been literally dying to know what’s been going on in Michael, Jack, and Peter’s life since the last movie.  Um, didn’t someone get married to somebody in that one?  Wasn’t there some sheep in the road gag that held the wedding up?  And where did that ghost from the first one go?  Was he friendly or evil, or simply lonely?  Will the two non-dads hit on the third pal’s daughter who will no doubt be hot and legal?

I’ve been waiting for a star to fall, and since pretty much all three of the leads’ stars have dropped*, I’m all for this belated sequel.  With the bar set low by “Indiana Jones 4,” this flick should be a masterpiece.  (And there’s rumors about another “Police Academy.”  Aieeeeee!)

*Becker did all right by himself and with some help from Larry David, but sadly and wrongly, Magnum has not fared as well.  The Gute did do a stint on “Dancing with the Stars,” but he also runs naked through Central Park.

Happy Find… Shawshank Redemption As 80’s Montage

Posted on by sgottahurt

I can say nothing better than what’s to follow.

Lyrics from “Team America: World Police” song, Montage:

The hours approaching, just give it your best 
You've got to reach your prime. 
That’s when you need to put yourself to the test, 
And show us a passage of time, 
We're gonna need a montage (montage) 
Oh it takes a montage (montage) 

Show a lot of things happing at once, 
Remind everyone of what’s going on (what’s going on?) 
And with every shot you show a little improvement 
To show it all would take to long 
That’s called a montage (montage) 
Oh we want montage (montage) 

And anything that we want to go from just a beginner to a pro, 
You need a montage (montage) 
Even Rocky had a montage (montage) 

(Montage…montage) 

Anything that we want to go from just a beginner to a pro, 
You need a montage (montage) 
Oh it takes a montage (montage) 

Always fade out in a montage, 
If you fade out, it seem like more time 
Has passed in a montage, 
Montage
Video from Funny or Die:
Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Happy Find… Shawshank Redemption As…“, posted with vodpod

 

 

Drunken Recollection… In Defense Of Jar Jar Binks

Posted on by sgottahurt

Where's a wampa when you need one?

Where's a wampa when you need one?

Jar Jar Binks was the beginning and the end of “Star Wars” for most.  It was the clearest sign that George Lucas had lost his damned mind, and the pandering to kids that began with the Ewoks in “Return of the Jedi” (which was fine when I was a kid), had spiraled out of control.  And it wasn’t just the fans that thought this.

According to Wikipedia:

Additionally, Rob Coleman, who was the lead on the Industrial Light & Magic animation team, warned Lucas that there was concern among the team that the character of Jar Jar was coming across poorly for the team and how the character was to be projected. Lucas told him that he especially put Jar Jar in the film to appeal to small children. After that, the issue was dropped.

So after all is said and done – why would I choose to defend Jar Jar?  As he is, I can say nothing.  But of what he could have been – I have to say this.

I believe in George Lucas’ out-of-touch brain, he had grander plans for Jar Jar, besides having him be at fault for giving Palpatine power in Episode II (heaven help me for writing this… all of this.)  I think it was the fan backlash that shrunk Jar Jar’s role.

Even if he didn’t have better intentions for Jar Jar, I believe the series would have benefited from having a permanent sidekick for Anakin.  Jar Jar, the simple creature he was, could have been used to contrast how far into darkness Anakin decended.  Jar Jar could have been his confidant when he Obi-Wan pissed him off.  Jar Jar could have ran interference to distract others when Anakin was hooking up with Amidala.  Then, when the moment arrived where Anakin had chosen his destiny… when he wiped out all those little Jedi kids… how much more powerful would it have been for Anakin’s best bud to walk in and catch him doing such horrible things?  Anakin, realizing how far he has fallen, would then lash out and destroy the mirror of his lost innocence – Jar Jar.

Especially after what Jar Jar would probably have said: “Ani, whatsa yooza doin?”

(If you’re brave enough, there’s a pic of the hotness that is me after jump…)

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Fall Out Boy Should Have Pulled Out Quicker

Posted on by sgottahurt

No, they named him Mowgli, not Mogwai...

No, they named him Mowgli, not Mogwai...

Guinness World Record-breaker, Pete Wentz, and coattail-rider turned family meal-ticket, Ashlee Simpson (I almost spelled it Ashley… heavenstamergatroid!), have given birth to something they named Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

There’s one of two ways I can go with this, so I’ll go with both.

  1. People can type Bronx Mowgli Wentz to test their typewriter.  Ha!  Y’know… like The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.  No… um… then how about…
  2. Bronx Mowgli Wentz?  That’s an anagram of what Pete likes to do when he’s in Germany – Blow Next Zing Worm.  Hey-o!

Ah, whatever.  Congrats you two (because I know in my heart of hearts they are going to find this little blog and be heartbroken if I don’t say so)… and also, please stop reproducing!

I Am Thankful For… Greg Evigan

Posted on by sgottahurt

As Thanksgiving quickly approaches, each of us should give pause and thank the heavens above for all the things that have enrichened our lives.  Today, I am thankful for Greg Evigan, and these are the reasons why, in no particular order:
  • I learned all about Molotov Cocktails from him (courtesy of his TV show, “BJ and the Bear”).
  • He introduced the world to Staci Keanan, and my dreams to Staci Keanan (courtesy of his show, “My Two Dads”).  Whatever happened to Staci beyond “Step By Step?”  And why did Paul Reiser get another show?
  • He brought us the film “DeepStar Six,” which jumpstarted the career of Famke Janssen.  No wait.  She was in “Deep Rising.”  And, oh yeah.  How could I forget she was Xenia Onatopp in “GoldenEye?”  Moving on…
  • He taught me about two-way mirrors, and how to beat them.  It was some episode of “BJ and the Bear” where people were spying on strippers or something.  Because the reflection started at the contact point, as opposed to starting centimeters apart, that was proof it was a two-way mirror.  You could see through the mirror if you had another piece of your own.  I don’t know if any of this is true, but I’ve kept it locked away for future use because you never know.
  • Briana.  Evigan.  (“Step Up 2″… “Step By Step”… weird…)
  • Then there’s always “BJ and the Bear,” of course.

If The Hoff Can Unite Two Countries, What Can I Do?

Posted on by sgottahurt

A recent discussion at the bar prompted an exchange about what song can get a random alcoholic’s head bopping (and sometimes, toe tapping).  I proposed this ditty (not to be confused with Diddy, who as yet, has not sampled this song):

Another person at the bar whole-heartedly disagreed and brought up this tune as the great anthem:

RUFKM?  I barely remembered that song (although one can never forget David Hasselhoffmeister).  I argued it couldn’t qualify as a head bopping, toe tapper.  He had to remind me of this:
(Continued after the jump) Read More

Mental Illness As Defined By Female Characters In Superhero Films (A Drunken Recollection/JusWondering Joint)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I have a friend that, as another of my friends pointed out (who is also friends with him), suffers from Mary Jane Watson Syndrome.

“Mary Jane Watson Syndrome?” you may ask.  “That’s not in the DSM-IV.”

You’d be the wrong kind of nerd for asking that question, but it is true.  The Mary Jane Watson Syndrome, as explained by my friend (about my other friend):

He likes to make people think he’s doing better than he’s actually doing, because it’s too embarrassing.  Like in the first “Spider-Man” film, when Mary Jane runs into Peter for the first time in New York, and she tells him all the wonderful things she’s accomplished.  Then the short order chef comes out and exposes her lie…

It’s the Mary Jane Watson Syndrome.

Poignant, geeky, and spot-on, for sure.  But it got me wondering – are there other conditions that could be defined by the ladies in superhero films?  I mean, they typically aren’t written as the most stalwart of women.  Otherwise, who would be left for the hero to save if there were no damsels in distress?

(more after the jump) Read More

Did He Just Say James “Siberius” Kirk? Don’t They Do More Than One Take?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Vodpod videos no longer available.Seeing as how I was supposed to get to see this preview attached to “Quantum of Solace” this past weekend, and seeing as how I didn’t get to see said preview for some quantum of a reason, I present it to you here.  Y’know, in case you didn’t get to see it too.  (It’s the new “Star Trek” movie, dummy!)

more about ““, posted with vodpod

 

 

Man, I seriously wanted some James (Bond) on James (Kirk) action!  O&BTW – the flick looks beautiful. 

No, no, don’t kick me in the nards for saying that! Uumph! (keels over)

(via Buzz Cuts)