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In Defense Of… Michael Bay

Posted on June 28, 2011 by sgottahurt

This might be the hardest one yet. (Why do I have a feeling that will always be the feeling?)

I’m about speak In Defense Of…

"I get bold, italics, underlining, periods, and fucking? Boom goes the dynamite... and everything else!"

I didn’t think I’d get here so soon, but it’s befitting since Transformers: Dark of the Moon is finally here. I haven’t seen it yet, but ~~moron~~ more on that soon.

Where can I begin my defense?

He’s certainly has a knack for creating great visual spectacles.

But that argument can be countered by pointing out how shaky the fight scenes were in the first two Transformers films, or how explosions stand in for plot progression. Another issue is his childish – nay – infantile sense of humor that leaks through into his films (peeing robots and robots with balls, for example).

People really like his movies.

Do they? Do they really? Or is it the spectacle as mentioned above. Let’s run through his catalog real quick, accompanied by Rotten Tomatoes’ aggregated ratings:

Bad Boys (43%)
The Rock (67%)
Armageddon (40%)
Pearl Harbor (25%)
Bad Boys II (23%)
The Island (40%)
Transformers (57%)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (20%)
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (37%)

How many are technically great movies? The Rock? How much of that was due to Nick Cage, Sean Connery, and Ed Harris, though?

And don’t get me started with his production company, Platinum Dunes. They’re responsible for most of the crappy horror film remakes that have come out in the last eight years. So no… it’s not that people really like his movies.

People really like going to his movies.

He’s the eighth highest domestic grossing director up to 2009 for a reason. Hell, I have to admit I’ve seen every single one of those movies above at the theater except the latest one, and I can’t wait to see it this weekend! It looks like the special effects are really cleaned up, and I’ll be able to tell what the Transformers are doing! I’m probably even going to pay extra to see 3D, and I typically hate 3D!

I know I’ve talked shit about him many times before, and I probably will in the future, but my biggest defense for him is that he gets people to the theaters. That’s his job and he does it well. Once we’re there, well, that’s a different story about story and content. But I’m usually content. I don’t hate his films with the same ferocity I unleash on Brett Ratner’s greasy prints or M. Night Shyamalan’s twit-twisters (I avoid their films like the plague).

Above all else, Michael Bay is a skilled, technical filmmaker.

Being a flawed storyteller doesn’t make him bad. If that was the case, I’d bitch about Tim Burton more often.

(SIDENOTE: If I can’t get convince you with any of the above, then you should know this. When he was a kid, he donated all his Bar Mitzvah money to a local animal shelter. That’s something.)

Awful/Awesome Battle… Some Animals Are Heroes, Some Are Dicks

Posted on June 27, 2011 by sgottahurt

The world is a crazy place. People hurt one another just as much as they help one another. Is it the same with animals?

(GIF’s via AnimalsBeingDicks.com)

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Irony Is A Dish Best Served In Cold Milk

Posted on June 5, 2011 by sgottahurt

I only recently learned of this, and it made me ~~suckle(!)~~ chuckle, so I thought I’d share.

Tori Amos is probably best known for her ~~weirdness red hair this(!)~~ song Cornflake Girl. If you are one of those unfamiliar with it, take a ~~piglet(!)~~ gander:

Here’s the weird thing… she kinda was a cornflake girl:

That got me wondering about what other musicians kinda lied.

For instance, was Bruce Springsteen really Born to Run?

Looks like he was born to amble.

Was Elton John really a Rocket Man?

Harland Williams was.

Was Lady Gaga really Born This Way?

This could be true.

Awful Battle… Cutesy Penguins Vs. A Chatterbox Gorilla (And More!)

Posted on June 3, 2011 by sgottahurt

Once upon a time, I really thought Jim Carrey was funny.

He had a spectrum of characters on In Living Color, and both Ace Ventura films were a hoot (see what I did there). The Mask and Dumb and Dumber were practically (or actually) tailor-made for him, and Liar Liar was the pièce de résistence for that phase of his career.

But then came The Truman Show and Man on the Moon, and things started to get tricky. He couldn’t quite go back to wacky. I wasn’t too big a fan of Me, Myself & Irene (although I blame that more on my waning Farrelly Brothers sensibilities). Bruce Almighty was all-righty then, and at that point, boom goes the dynamite. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind erases every Grinch, every Majestic, every Cable Guy, and every Riddler, ~~Batman~~ forever.

So what’s he to do? His adult fare no longer fared well (Fun with Dick and Jane, The Number 23, Yes Man, I Love You Phillip Morris), whereas his kid-schtick (Lemony Snicket, Horton Hears a Who?, A Christmas Carol)… did marginally better?

So his latest offering, Mr. Popper’s Penguins, should be of no surprise:

Once upon a time, I thought Kevin James was funny. Not really. I really liked him in Hitch, though, and I guess he was okay on The King of Queens (my problems were more with Leah Remini and Jerry Stiller). Paul Blart: Mall Cop felt like a plain donut after watching the insane Observe and Report, and Grown Ups frankly sucked balls.

But James is in a movie with animals, too, and it only illustrates how far Jim Carrey has fallen. See the talking feces fest here:

Which one wins this Awful Battle?

Awful Battle…. Pet Peeves, As Demonstrated By Pets

Posted on May 9, 2011 by sgottahurt

I haven’t tried being “clever” in a while, so why start now. I’ve been meaning to compose this list for quite some time (so long that one of them isn’t as much of a concern anymore), so without further adieu, here’s my Awful Battle of some of my biggest pet peeves, as demonstrated by pets:

Glass bottles left in parking lots…

He had a ruff night.

…really drive me up the wall. I’m not a fan of pollution in general, but empty beer and juice bottles are the worst. Even though I’m not too sure modern bottles can puncture modern tires.

Tailgating and braking too close…

The carriage bumper sticker reads, "If you can read this, you're a smart ass."

…is not only dangerous, it’s stupid. Especially if there are other lanes. Get in the other lane!

No hand washing after a bathroom break…

Cat-astrophe!

…is disgusting. Anyone that argues otherwise… is disgusting.

Smoking under table…

Coincidentally, this dog's name is Doobie.

…luckily doesn’t happen any more, at least in Michigan. This was my old puff peeve, but since there’s no smoking in bars, I don’t have to worry about super-smelly jeans anymore.

Different gas prices for cash and credit…

Polly wants a fucking break.

…and having to enter zip codes could be called my pump peeves. Sorry. This Awful Battle is almost over…

Girls that wear pajama pants and snow shoes at bar…

I can't stay mad anymore.

…awwwww, this one doesn’t bother me as much for now. Ask me again in the winter.

A Handful Of… Seriously Bad Ideas

Posted on May 6, 2011 by sgottahurt

I’ve lived my life in a bubble, and I’ve enjoyed it for the most part. The fun part about being in a bubble is you can still see outside, except your outlook is swirled and soapy. Sometimes that bubble pops though, and I use the remaining suds to wash my eyes out. These are some vision scrubbers.

We’ll start out small, with a product I never knew existed (as it should have remained).

ITEM ONE: A product called NYDJ for short… and Not Your Daughter’s Jeans for long…

It reminds me of this classic, butt in real-life (moved it to after the jump because of auto-starting).

ITEM TWO: Frisbee Golf or Disc Golf is real…

I’ve heard of the game, and I know people who have played it, but I always thought it was something impromptu… like LARPing. But then I saw one of these in a park near work:

Oh. It's real. Real serious.

ITEM THREE: Kiss Transmission Device or specifically, Virtual French Kissing Machine…

In effect, this:

ITEM FOUR: “Maggie the Maggot” from Galaxy of Terror

This is definitely the worst of the bunch, and since it’s not safe for ~~work~~ life, I’ll let you follow-up on it here.

(SIDENOTE: To cleanse the mental palate, watch this dog being a dog with a bad idea.)

Drunken Recollection… Oh, The Things We Believe When We’re Sober

Posted on May 4, 2011 by sgottahurt

On three occasions from three different friends I was asked about the validity of each of these videos. I think on some level, in each situation, my friends knew these weren’t real or true. But on another, perhaps spiritual, level, they wanted these to be real or true. Why? Well, I get the second one, but the others? No thanks.

Alien Captured in Brazil

My friend Jess brought this video up, knowing full well how I feel about aliens, and by the time I finally mustered the sauce to catch up on it (see what I did there?), fear did not overcome me. Not even a little. That translates to: FAKE.

Petite Lap Giraffes

This one was a surprise to hear. My friend that shall go unnamed – not for protection, but for annoyance purposes – thought petite lap giraffes were real. They were in Comcast commercials. Not Animal Planet. Unless it was a Comcast commercial on Animal Planet.

Doomsday Scenario – Brown Dwarf Star Edition

Don’t watch the video unless you want to be tortured prior to our inevitable demise. My friend Jason likes bringing this one up, plus all the updates and refutations he’s found. He’s new to the TripleDoubleU, so I forgive him. This gist is this:

By September of this year, we’re all gonna die.

The gist of my response to that is this:

Keep on drinking!

Happy Find… Talking Animals

Posted on May 3, 2011 by sgottahurt

You’ve probably seen this already, but I still think it’s well-done… like a steak, covered in bacon, and cheese sauce… that I gave to the neighbor’s dog!