A Handful Of

A Handful Of… Songs That Have Made Me, Um, Cry

Posted on by sgottahurt

This idea occurred to me after seeing whatever commercial uses Gene Wilder singing Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  (To be fair, I’m pretty sure it’s for a certain telecommunication company, but since my cell phone can’t hold a call, my memory can’t hold a sponsor.)

Anygobstopper, here’s the original scene from the movie to move you:

What a haunting melody… man, was that movie dark or what?

Another classic that chokes me up fairly consistently: Harry Chapin’s Cat’s in the Cradle.

Damn, just looking these up is killing me.  Curse you Five for Fighting, and your 100 Years.

The next two are definitely more personal than the above, but no less inherently tear-jerky (well, perhaps one is more so than the other): Mike + The Mechanics’ The Living Years and Joe Jackson’s Steppin’ Out.

And finally Sarah McLachlan’s Angel gets a mention because of the ASPCA TV ads, not for City of Angels.

Wow.  This post wasn’t funny at all.  Let me remedy that with an anecdote I heard about Arnold Schwarzenegger today:

While golfing, the Governator asked an opponent, “When was you last blowjob?”  The guy responds with a laugh, “A couple nights ago, I guess.”  Then while the guy’s taking his swing, Arnie adds in the Terminator’s voice, “How did it taste?”   Needless to say, the guy choked (pun!)…

Finis.

(anecdote via Dakota and here)

A Handful Of… Toys I Always Wanted To Exist

Posted on by sgottahurt

As a kid, was a skid, and no one knew me by name.  Trashed my own house party ‘cuz nobody came.

Oops, I’m already off topic…

As a kid, there were a few toys that never existed that I always wish existed.  Shall we reminisce together?

1) BOBA FETT (WITH FIRING MISSILE)

Everybody had a friend that had one.

Call it a choking hazard, call it natural selection, these toys never made it market.  But I swear I knew a kid– ah, forget it.

2) GLORIA BAKER AND SHARK (FROM M.A.S.K.)

Thank T-Bob the fan-fic pic is clean.

I’m not sure why this toy was never made.  It’s not like Kenner hadn’t made other water vehicles, or other female action figures (Vanessa Warfield).

3) HOVER BOARD

Wasn't this supposed to be close to market fifteen years ago? How about in five from now?

After the time travelling DeLorean, of course, there was not much more I wanted from the Back to the Future films.

4) ROCKETEER’S ROCKET PACK AND HELMET

Scary. but fun...

…that, or his girlfriend…

Jenny, Jenny...

5) GREATEST AMERICAN HERO INSTRUCTION BOOK*

The only book that could be a toy...

*Costume better be included…

6) STAR TREK’S HOLODECK

Doesn't look like much fun now, but neither does a deflated balloon.

If I have to explain this one, I don’t care to know you.  Good day!

7) “THE TOY”

Sorry, I had to...

A Handful Of… Companies That Could Go Back To The Drawing Board

Posted on by sgottahurt

This might be two handfuls worth of companies that could use some help in their advertising departments, but nonetheless – they should rethink their business plans.

1) Toyota has had some issues with vehicles not stopping.  Vehicles not stopping has led to some… let’s just say, people going to heaven.  Heaven is in the clouds last time I checked:

2) Happy’s Pizza is a chain here in Detroit.  “Happy” looks a bit too happy in their ad.  So is that a hot pizza in his hands, or is it a… (should I beat around the bush, or should I be blunt?)

3) Universal Technical Institute is what it is.  UTI.edu is not.

4) This product no longer exists for a reason:

5) First Check Home Drug Test sounds like a serious product.  The radio commercial doesn’t.

6) Eloquence is not my strong suit, so check out Sociological Images’ take on this toy:

7) Does anyone know what Delsym is for without checking?

8) Does anyone even eat at Max and Erma’s?

9) Should a child’s snack be named Gushers?  Or am I wrong for asking that?

10) ‘Nuff said:

A Handful Of… Cool Things I Liked As A Kid That I Still Think I Like

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in standing by this list, but I’m afraid I share it with prepubescent dweebs.  Carry on!

Item #1 – The Hand Boiler

Borderline Magic

Remember these?  You held them in your hand, and the liquid would boil up to the top.  Then you would take it out of your hand and then the liquid would return to the bottom… only to be boiled by your hand again.  I guess these aren’t much different from those plastic collapsible animals, but they seem cooler (maybe cooler should be italicized as well).

Item #2 – Wire Ring Puzzles

Borderline Impossible

I adored these.

For some reason.

Item #3 – Astronaut Ice Cream

Borderline Tasty

In pre-Challenger America, NASA was The Shit.  Every kid in this country dreamed of becoming astrophysicists, and we swallowed the pill that this was the way spacemen (and women) enjoyed our favorite childhood treat.  It didn’t take us becoming rocket scientists to realize this wasn’t worth all the work.

Item #4 – Squirmles

Borderline Boring

“These ain’t ya daddy’s Squirmles! Wait. Yes, they are…” – Abandoned Slogan

I had a few of these as a kid and I used them to torture my sisters.  Not in any “frightening” way or method, either.  They always wanted to play with them; I wouldn’t let them.

Item #5 – Chemistry Set

Borderline Dangerous

My godfather bought me my first (and only) chemistry set when I was about ten.  I made a lot of powders change colors, and it was awesome!  This particular set costs $250. It must be super awesome…

A Handful Of… Strange Facts I Know About Celebs’ Kin (Not To Be Confused With “Celeb Skin”)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Here’s some things I’ve picked up over the years and have never been able to put down.  Well, that might be an overstatement.  I could “put them down” in an insulting fashion, I’m sure.  I was attempting clever word play, and I’ve thus succeeded in coming off as pretentious… nice going, d-bag.

POTSIE’S COUSIN “INVENTED” THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER

Would you associate these two images? On second thought, strike that question from the record.

Anson Williams, a.k.a. Potsie Weber from Happy Days, was actually a Heimlick.  His second cousin was Dr. Henry Heimlich, the guy that named a move after himself.  I have a few things to say about this strange fact I know:

  1. I give credit to Happy Days as being the source of my taking an interest in the actual names of Actors! As a child, I remember being impressed by my parents ability to remember the characters’ real names, and I started paying attention to the, um, credits.
  2. Can you really be, um, credited with the “invention” or “creation” of something that can be done manually?  If that’s the case, then who invented the handshake?  The noogie?  The wet willie?  (I bet Willie was the first person to get a saliva-coated finger shoved in his ear.)
  3. Do you think Potsie was a precursor to the existence of Boner on Growing Pains?

EELS’ LEAD SINGER’S DAD ORIGINATED THE CONCEPT OF PARALLEL WORLDS

Remember this song?

If you didn’t, and you listen to it again, you now answer that same question differently.  I’ve pulled your current consciousness from one plane of existence (where you did not remember that song), into this plane where you do.  They both exist regardless of you decision.  And that’s kind what Hugh Everett III (father of the guy in the above video, Mark Oliver Everett, or simply E) talks about in his theory (as far as I can understand it).

I’m not too amazed by this “discovery” though… some pot head (a.k.a. Potsie) would have thought it up sooner or later.

PAPA OF NURSE HATHAWAY – SORRY, THE GOOD WIFE – WROTE THE ALKA-SELTZER JINGLE

Once upon a time, she pushed George Clooney away.

No matter what Julianna Margulies will be in for the rest off her life, I’ll always think of her as Nurse Hathaway on ER.  I bet the same thing can be said about her father, Paul, in relation to this earworm:

ONE OF THE MONKEES’ MAMAS MADE MISTAKE OUT

That one Monkee(s) happens to be Michael Nesmith.  And Mistake Out is better known to us as Liquid Paper.  I wrote about this before here.

AND THIS ONE I JUST LEARNED…

It’s not about kin, though… it’s just about one man… this man…

James Lipton in da howz!

Did you know he composed the theme song to Thundercats?!

(via Warming Glow)

A Handful Of… Horny Birds In The Bush (Warning! No Nudity!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

We’re all animals.  Some of us more than others, of course, mostly because they are animals.

"Playa, playa, playa play on..."

This first video for the Vogelkop Bowerbird (click here) was found on my sister website, Something Knew (because it’s my sister’s website, you see).  These bowerbirds, from my understanding, are masters of seduction.  Using deer poop.

Birds of a feather...

There are over 40 different types of Birds-of-Paradise (click here) in Papau, New Guinea, and every one of them has the ability to flare their feathers in more interesting ways than this lady bird, or this peacock.

In searching for bird pics, I quickly learned that every photo must be preceded by the word "superb." This one was "super superb."

The Lyrebird (click here) isn’t as much of a (what’s the equivalent for “ladies’ man” in the bird kingdom?) as the above two, but I think it’s my favorite of the three.  Mostly because it reminds me of Larvelle Jones from the Police Academy movies.

And then who could forget about this one:

A Handful Of… Flicks I Loathe Admitting I Like

Posted on by sgottahurt

Another day, another new category.  I’ve wanted to do a list-type post for a while now, but how many should be on it?  How about a handful?  

Today’s list isn’t composed of films I’d call guilty pleasures.  No… embarrassing pleasures might be more accurate.  These are all films I’d love to recommend, but I’m afraid of what you’d think of me.  

Let’s start with the obvious ones (for people who know me):  

  

The Notebook  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: The love story in the past is contrived, sure… boy meets girl, mom disapproves of boy, girl breaks it off, boy goes to war, girl gets engaged to another boy, boy fixes house and wins girl back.  But for me, it’s the frame story that makes the entire film work.  And the ending?  Blubbering fool = me.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: Didn’t you read what I just wrote?  

  

Bridge to Terabithia  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: I never read the children’s book it was based on so the movie’s ending shocked me.  Once again, blubbering fool = me.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: It’s based on a children’s book.  And the blubbering fool part.  

A Boy and His Dog  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: It’s weird.  The basic concept?  In the post-apocalyptic future, a boy and his telepathic dog hunt for food and women for the boy to bang.  Seriously.  It’s like a tripped out Alice in Wonderland, except not at all.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: It’s weird.  And did you see the film’s tagline?  “A rather kinky tale of survival.”  Yeah.  

  

Chronicles of Riddick  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: It tries to be exciting, inventive sci-fi.  It really does.  And to be honest, I find it more creative than Avatar.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: It’s a Vin Diesel movie.  And it doesn’t try hard enough.  Necromongers?  Underverse?  Conan the Barbarian ripoff ending?  Well, that was kind of cool.  It’s just that I usually ridicule my friend Jay for liking these type of crappy movies (Starship Troopers, Battlefield Earth, Stargate), and I can’t rip on him for this one.  Well, I do, but hypocritically.  

  

A League of Their Own  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: It’s funny, it’s heartfelt, and it contains one of Tom Hanks sincerest performances.  Even Madonna and Rosie O’Donnell fail to annoy me.  Plus, Madonna’s This Used to Be My Playground is (arguably) a touching ballad.  And if you have siblings, how can you not relate to the story of competitive sisters?  Oh, and one more thing (I’m beginning to see a pattern here)… the ending turns me into a blubbering fool.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: Do I really need to go into it?  

  

Hostel  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: What are all good horror stories essentially about?  Their cautionary tales.  The 80’s slasher flicks prayed upon this idea like fat kids and ice cream.  What did they teach?  If you have sex – you’re gonna die.  If you do drugs – you’re die.  This film merely upped the ante in those departments, and added an international relations angle.  If you’re a boorish American in a foreign country – you’re gonna die.  Plus, this movie made me apprehensive about travelling abroad (I’ve since gotten over the fear by visiting Amsterdam and surviving being a boorish American).  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: It’s a gross (and boorish) film.  

  

Nightmare Man  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: It’s an odd mixture of the schlocky Italian giallo and the raunchy American slasher.  It really feels like two movies overlapped into one cohesive and oddly entertaining film.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: Four words –  invisible demon rape scene.  

Not pictured: Nightmare Man... because alas, I do not own it.