A Handful Of

A Handful Of… “Color”-ful Movies

Posted on by sgottahurt

What color sounds like the least exciting color?  Give up?  Howzabout:

The Boring

So, as is par for the course on this website, I got to thinking… how many movies are named after colors much more exciting sounding than The Grey?  Let’s see by checking out A Handful Of… “Color”-ful Movies.

  • RED

RED... featuring some ORANGE.

I could have went with some other titles like Red Dawn, Red Riding Hood, Red State, the current film Red Tails, or the French film Rouge, but I chose this one, which is actually an acronym for Retired and Extremely Dangerous.  But my point is proven so far… RED sounds so much better than The Grey.

  • A Clockwork Orange

I prefer my clockworks to be green.

I’ve never seen this Stanley Kubrick classic, but as a student of film (not that great of one if I haven’t seen A Clockwork Orange), I am familiar with enough of it to know this was a better choice than Orange County to go against The Grey.

  • Yellowbeard

You have to take this poster's word that he has a yellow beard.

Yellow is a tough sell for movie titles, so this is the best I’ve got.  I could have chosen Yellow Submarine or the Swedish film I Am Curious (Yellow), but come on… Yellowbeard is about pirates!  Sure, it was made before pirates were (are?) cool, so The Grey can walk the plank!  Aaargh!

  • Green Lantern

Sometimes green means stop.

Green Lantern was a tough pick, especially against such examples of “greenness” as Green Zone, The Green Hornet, The Green Mile, and Green Street Hooligans.  Maybe I should have picked Green Street Hooligans.  The Grey is only slightly less better than Green Lantern…

  • Deep Blue Sea

Hey! Look out for that

Samuel L. Jackson makes a lot of things automatically better, and since he wasn’t in The Blue Lagoon, Blue Velvet, Blue Valentine, the French film Bleu, or the Swedish film I Am Curious (Blue), Deep Blue Sea blows The Grey out of the water.

  • The Color Purple

Again, my favorite color for clockworks.

Okay… so The Color Purple wasn’t my first choice to battle The Grey, but Purple Rain or The Purple Rose of Cairo don’t sound like they’d fare much better.  Purple might be the color of kings, but when it comes to movies, it’s a notch better than grey.

Now if Liam Neeson’s latest was called The Gray, it’d be a completely different story…

A Handful Of… My Latest Crushes

Posted on by sgottahurt

I know you’ve been clamoring for this list for a while now, so I’m glad to present A Handful Of… My Latest Crushes:

She's the ideal girl next to the window.

Ms. Woodward first came to my attention last year during the first season of Raising Hope, and she’s held my attention ever since.  I’ve never seen the movie The Haunting of Molly Hartley, or the show she was on previously (The Riches), but they are definitely in my Netflix queue now.

She's keeping the wall stable, but not my heart rate.

I didn’t watch Two and a Half Men with any regularity, but I was aware of Ms. Stables when she had a recurring role on it.  Since I only caught her appearances in random reruns, I was pleased to find out she had a new show on TV Land called The Exes, which is actually pretty good… emphasis on the pretty.

Don't worry. She's 25.

I’m pleased to admit that Tim Allen’s latest show, ABC’s Last Man Standing, is funny.  But even if it wasn’t, I’d still be in inclined to watch it because of Ms. Ephraim.  She plays middle daughter Mandy on it, and just like middle son Randy on Home Improvement, she steals many of her scenes.  And surprise, surprise… I’ve now added Paranormal Activity 2 to my queue, too.

Maid in Heaven (or Hell)

As I mentioned in regard to Ms. Ephraim, I will watch a show I don’t particularly like if I like an Actress! on the show.  So when it comes to Ms. Breckenridge, she was a primary reason I watched FX’s American Horrible Story (well, her and Jessica Lange’s scenery chewing).  Let’s just say I’m glad that show was only thirteen episodes long.  And I hope Ms. Breckenridge gets another gig quick.

I am no longer the master of my domain hosting.

I’m not a fan of Go Daddy for many reasons, and their commercials do not help.  On the other hand, Ms. Dearing helps their commercials, so there’s that.  She’s also in Will Ferrell’s Everything Must Go, so you know what I’m going to do to remedy not seeing that.  In the meantime, I guess I’ll stumble over to Go Daddy’s website to see how her commercials end.  Gah, I hate that!

A Handful Of… The Video Games That Got Away

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s closing in on Gimme Gimme Day, and what better way to celebrate the joyous overconsumption and high-expectations of youth than to examine the video games I was never Given Given.

Here are A Handful Of… The Video Games That Got Away:

Ah, the good ol' days of 16-color EGA graphics...

Not what you’d expect to be first.  This came out back in the days of me playing the original Maniac Mansion and Zak McKracken and the Alien Mindbenders, but it was only available for Commodore 64.  I had an IBM-compatible.  To those not around at the time, that’s like wanting Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception, when all you have is the Wii.

I had a Sega Genesis, but I didn’t get the system when it was originally released with Altered Beast.  Then again, ToeJam and Earl was still released after that.  I’m not sure why I didn’t get this game.  All I know is that I wanted it.

Another nerdy PC game.  (It was available for DOS, but it looked fantastic on the Amiga.  So I wanted the Amiga.)  I didn’t even really play chess, but I guess I craved digitized violence.  Don’t be surprised if one day it’s revealed that this game paved the way for Mortal Kombat.  Speaking of kombat…

This was one of the two arcade fighting games I was good at (the other was Virtua Fighter), so when it was announced that there would be a version for the Super Nintendo, I was ecstatic.  Then I realized how people must have felt when Pac-Man was finally released for the Atari 2600…  Here’s the SNES commercial:

cavern of the evil wizard

"I get to be on top!"

This game might look familiar, although its name is not.  That’ sbecause you probably saw Tom Hanks playing it in the movie Big.  Sadly, TCOTEW never existed in the real world… until now.   Try it by clicking here.

Think of it as my early Gimme Gimme present for you.

A Handful Of… Foods I Will Never Try

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m not an adventurous sort when it involves my taste buds… which is a terrible way to put I don’t like a lot of different foods.  So this post won’t include anything “shocking” unless you consider #4 unsettling.

Here it is!  The short list you’ve been dying for!  A Handful Of Foods I Will Never Try!

1) BANANA SPLIT

The sexual innuendos are innumerable.

What’s wrong with a banana split?  Sure, I enjoy (most) flavors of ice cream and whip cream, and though I’m no fan of cherries, they can easily be removed.  What’s wrong with a banana split?  The banana!

2) OCTOPUS

I tried to find the most appetizing presentation to be fair. This won. And lost.

I’m no fan of seafood (nor mollusks), but I have tried:

  • shrimp (gross)
  • lobster (gross)
  • escargot (not bad, but once was enough)
  • sushi (not bad – could try again)

I draw the line at octopi.  You could say it’s a Red Wings thing.

3) JELLIED PIG’S FEET

Only thing worse: Jello'd Pig's Feet

This shouldn’t be on this list because it’s obvious, and could be tied into #4, but it’s made the list because IT’S BEEN OFFERED TO ME.  IN PERSON.  AT A FRIEND’S HOME.  (When we were kids, but still…)

4) ANYTHING FROM REALITY SHOWS

See also: Survivor Chow

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or Joe Rogan) to deduce that I would not try anything people eat out of necessity in desolate countries and trick foreigners into eating by dubbing it a local delicacy.

(SIDENOTE: Welcome back, Fear Factor!  And Joe Rogan!)

5) McRib

The modern Halley's Comet.

Food items this has that I don’t like:

  • Barbecue sauce – check
  • Onion slices – check
  • Pickles slices – check
  • Rubbery, pressed meat product – check

A Handful Of… Non-Halloween Halloween Songs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Halloween is quickly approaching.  So there’s no time like the present to plan out the perfect holiday mix that feels less Halloweenie and more Halloweenus.

Here are A Handful Of Non-Halloween Halloween Songs:

  • Tegan and Sara – Walking with a Ghost
  • Skillet – Monster
  • Warren Zevon – Werewolves of London
  • The Cranberries – Zombie
  • Bloc Party – Hunting for Witches
  • Vampire Weekend – Holiday (anything by them would do…)

(SIDENOTE: The Toadies almost made it with Possum Kingdom because the infamous they say it’s about vampires, but based on the title alone, it seems to be about possums.  Possums can be scary, though…)

A Handful Of… Former Soap Stars You Didn’t Know You Liked

Posted on by sgottahurt

I would guess that except for two people I know that read this blog, no one that reads this blog watches soap operas.  (While in all actuality, no one I know reads this blog…)

Anyboohoo, there are probably some Actors! you like that you didn’t realize were on soap operas earlier in their careers.  And these appearances weren’t just cameos or extras work… legit characters were given life by these fan favorites.  Let’s begin with one that you may know about:

  • Sarah Michelle Gellar – Kendall Hart, All My Children (1993-95)

She played Buffy. She played Daphne. Who can't she play?

WHY YOU LIKE HER: On one hand, the background in the above photo should be a clue.  On another hand, this.

  • Tom Berenger – Tim Seigel, One Life to Live (1975-76)

City Mouse and, um, Country Mouse

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: Come on… he was a bad ass.  Not only was he in both Major League films, he was in Platoon, the first The Substitute, and three Sniper films.  Grant it – I’ve only seen the baseball comedies.  Did you know there were three Sniper films?!

  • Richard Dean Anderson – Dr. Jeff Webber, General Hospital (1976-81)

All he needs is a paper clip, a gum wrapper... and a mullet.

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: It should be a mantra – MacGyver, Stargate SG-1, MacGyver, Stargate SG-1, MacGyver, Stargate SG-1, MacGyver, Stargate SG-1…  You get it.

  • Alec Baldwin – Billy Aldrich, The Doctors (1980-82) / Joshua Rush, Knots Landing (1984-86)

Everybody used to look like this eventually.

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: This is my controversial entry.  Not just because you may have never heard of The Doctors soap opera (there’s a stupid talk show starring a Bachelor reject with the same name) nor because Knots Landing was a nighttime soap, but because some people don’t like him!  This blows my mind, just like the fact he was on TV waaaay before Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock.  (P.S. Check out Malice if you’ve never seen it.)

  • Christopher Walken – Mike Bauer, Guiding Light (1954-56)

So many choices... I chose this.

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: I was going to close with Rick Springfield until I made this discovery.  I mean, Jesse’s Girl is the never-dying, one-hit wonder I’ve always wished joked that wished I could write, but how many movies would have never made it to production if Walden didn’t get involved?  Blast From the Past, The Stepford Wives, Joe Dirt, Excess Baggage, Balls of Fury, Envy, Country Bears… I should have went with Springfield.

(more here)

A Handful Of… Different Kinds Of Different Kinds Of Love

Posted on by sgottahurt

Even muskrats do the dog.

Love is a lot like Santa Claus… they’re both fat, fond of red velvet with fuzzy white accents, and prefer to live where it’s ice-cold.  But maybe that’s just me.

I was originally just going to highlight strangle love types in songs, but then I couldn’t stop myself.  Aren’t you lucky?

Here’s A Handful Of Different Kinds Of Different Kinds Of Love (the asterisked songs I listened to a little longer than the rest):

  • STRANGE LOVE

puppy love – jungle love – radar love* – gun love – muskrat love  – hula love

  • SPECIFIC LOVE

tainted love – dumb love – crazy love – real love – secret love – true love – sweet love – cool love – tender love* – big love – sexy love

  • TIME-FRAME LOVE

endless love* – april love – baby love – summer love – young love

  • NO-THANK-YOU LOVE

burning love* – butta love – bleeding love

  • PERSONAL LOVE

your love* – my love – our love

  • WEED LOVE

higher love* – california love*

(a lot of these via)

A Handful Of… Not-So-Inventive Musicians

Posted on by sgottahurt

When you’re a writer of any type (INSERT TYPEWRITER JOKE HERE), your purpose is – or should be – to bring something new into this world.  I’ve sort of made it my mission to call out “artists” that liberally borrow from other “artists,” but that’s not what I’m talking about this time.  (I will be discussing it again in my next post, though.)

No this is about something else… Not-So-Inventive Musicians, namely in the naming department.  It’s one of those which came first scenarios, except this one’s about a chicken and a chicken (or if you prefer, an egg and an egg).

When I was starting my band experiment, we threw out and tossed out many names.  These are those that stuck for a time:

KAGAL (Kermit and Grover are Lovers)

Monkey Spank Monkey Do (hmm… that sounds familiar…)

oddcookie

Never at anytime did we have any song called (or involving) KAGAL, Monkey Spank Monkey Do, nor oddcookie.  With these bands, that wasn’t the case:

  • Big Country’s In a Big Country
  • Human League’s Human
  • Living in a Box’s Living in a Box
  • Snoop Dogg’s Snoop Dogg
  • Spacehog’s Spacehog
  • Talk Talk’s Talk Talk Talk
  • Meredith Brooks’ Bitch

Why won’t you return my calls?!  And Snookers was our dog, not yours!

(These of course aren’t the only ones… more can be found here and here.)

(More Than) A Handful Of… The Last Creative Aliens Of The Silver Screen

Posted on by sgottahurt

Has Cowboys & Aliens let you down?
Did Battle: Los Angeles and Skyline give you déjà who cares?
Still feeling blue after Green Lantern?
In Thor, the Norse gods are aliens, right?
Did you find Super 8 not so super great?
Did Transformers transform your apathy into a car?
What about Paul?  Did anyone see Paul?

So why am I asking about these films, you may be, um, asking?  They are the latest science fiction fare that brought aliens to the big screen.  And all of them suck.

Did the original Star Wars trilogy, Alien, and E.T. use up all the imagination when it comes to inventing extra extraterrestrials?  We’re talking not since 1983 here, folks!  Well, 1983 brought us Ewoks.  Some people don’t like Ewoks.

Here is (More Than) A Handful Of The Last Creative Aliens Of The Silver Screen (perhaps I’ll do a TV and video game one later)… and I’m not talkin’ ’bout ones that take human form, like Olivia Wilde in Cowboys & Aliens (oops – SPOILER!):

Okay, it’s a plant.  And it’s based on a musical based on a film from 1960.  But don’t try to convince me that watermelon-with-lipstick’s deep voice was expected.

This one’s not too long after the rush of 80’s dreaminess.  But then again, they are basically small flying saucers.  Still, no one tried it before or since (until the inevitable CGI remake).

It took the concept of “all-things-penis” from H.R. Giger’s Alien designs, and ran with “all-things-vagina… and dreadlocks.”

Once again, not too far out there thinking on the surface, but in the end, still brilliant.  Shoot their noses!

Now we’re getting somewhere – mushroom aliens.  These creatures are memorable because of their surprise.  At first they look cute, but when you get closer, they get all see above picture.

Ladies and gents – our first set of alien nipples captured on celluloid!

I shouldn’t have included them because they originated as characters on trading cards in 1962, and because they’re CGI, but I couldn’t include Kang and Kodos since they weren’t in The Simpsons Movie, so here’s my entry for aliens whose heads are in glass helmets.

Another one you could argue that I shouldn’t include, but she was new for the movie, whereas the Borg (which are awesome), were not.  And that’s why the Queen gets a shout out.

Definitely the best alien of the new bunch from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.  He’s one of the few that benefited from being CGI.  Plus, he was a part of one the best sequences in the prequel trilogy (IMHO).  Was he only cool because he walked on his hands, and used his feet to do everything?  Shut up.

I couldn’t have ended on a better alien.  Probably my favorite alien since E.T.  Or at least since the one with the nipples.

A Handful Of… Characters With Arm (And Hand) Appendages

Posted on by sgottahurt

With Cowboys & Aliens finally upon us, I’d like to point out something I’ve thought since the first trailer.

Doesn’t Daniel Craig’s arm weapon remind you of Leela’s arm thingee in Futurama?

"You accusin' me of poachin'?"

"Darn tootin' I do."

But then that got me thinking… there are more than a few people who have similar accessories, so I bring to you this list.  Presenting A Handful Of Characters With Arm (And Hand) Appendages!

  • Hellboy from, um, Hellboy

I hoped you wouldn't notice.

It could be a weapon; it could be his hand.  All I remember is it was bigger than his other hand.

  • Ash from Army of Darkness

Is chainsaw the past tense of chainsee?

When Ash’s hand turned evil, I’m sure he thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to him.  If he had chainseen a chainsaw hand in his future, he might not have been as upset.

  • Dr. Igoe from Innerspace

Blowtorch hand FTW.

You might not recall this movie, or this bad guy with interchangeable hands, but sadly, I will not forget one of them – dude had a dildo hand.

  • Nathan “RAD” Spencer from Bionic Commando

This is not your 8-bit commando.

I haven’t played the recent version of this classic, but the original was the shizz.

  • Mega Man from Mega Man

Mega Man has a mega hand.

Mega Man 3 was the first video game I ever beat.  Or wait… maybe it was Castlevania…

How dumb do these toys look?

I had zero interest in getting these action figures as a kid – that’s how terrible the bad guys in The Centurions toy line were.  That being said, I loved the heroes in The Centurions.  I still have my Max Ray and Jake Rockwell figures.

  • Pretty much every character from He-Man (and one from Thundercats)

Fisto - Man-At-Arms - Hammerhand - Clawful - Roboto - Trapjaw

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe were all about gimmicks and puns, and these few selected characters were pure gimmicks and puns.  Thundercats simply ripped that formula off (but the new show looks great BTW).

  • Optimus Prime from Transformers

"Autobots, can here me now?"

I’ve heard rumors that Steve Jobs got the idea for iChat from Optimus Prime.

This whole movie was basically a commercial.

This movie was ridiculous not only for its insanely obvious product placement, but for its story.  A mentally ill kid gets broken out of an insane asylum by Kevin Arnold to go to California and enter a video game competition.  Think Rain Man with Power Gloves.

  • J.P. Pruitt from Zoolander

He was a hand model, you see.

This movie is sadly forgotten by many, but I consider it a comedy classic.  There are so many zany moments, quotable lines, and crazy cameos, like David Duchovny’s above, that if you haven’t seen it, I implore you.  Implore.

HONORABLE MENTION

  • Quarterbacks in the NFL

Crib note much?