Is it so wrong that I want to stuff you in my mouth?
To begin, turkey has somehow become the big brother of Thanksgiving feasts (ham is the little brother). I’m sure there’s a very good folk tale/reason why turkeys have taken the head spot despite having no head, but I don’t really feel like looking into it.
(Okay, I did look into it, but it’s a little boring. It involves some queen of England eating a goose and the Pilgrims finding turkeys in America easier… blah, blah, blah. I did learn that wild turkeys can run up to 55 miles an hour, though.)
If there could be a middle brother, though, allow me to suggest this – hard salami.
You may wonder, “Why hard salami?” I say, “Because.” If you’re lucky to already have hard salami as a part of your holiday meal, then you can stop reading. For those that don’t understand… here is my back up response to because:
Even though it thinks it’s hard, it’ s really easy.
It’s like giant pepperonis, but better. (And I sure love me some pepperoni.)
I don’t know what they put in it, and I don’t want to know. It keeps it mysterious.
I could eat it every single day, even if faced against something from Taco Bell. (Only if either item was free, though. If I had to pay, I’m sure the Taco Bell would be cheaper and thus win.)
It’s great with mozzarella on a plain bagel. Trust me.
I bet it would be Jack Bauer’s favorite food.
(SIDENOTE: When Google image searching “hard salami,” I was afraid of what might come up. The following was a pleasant surprise.)
Since the video on my other post about Abby Elliott got pulled, here’s a new one. It’s from the Upright Citizens Brigade Midnight Show (that’s the YouTube channel it’s from, ‘natch), and it also stars Steve Agee (from “The Sarah Silverman Program”) and Jeff Sloniker. It’s safe!
Okay… I feel like I’m at full steam again. It’s not like I haven’t drank ten pounds of beer before, but at age 33, I might as well be drinking Quikrete. Actually, I don’t even think it’s so much of an age thing, or an amount of food eaten thing. It comes down to a timetable.
In Chicago – 12 lbs. beer / 8 hrs = ah, who cares… I was going to make a big math post about drinking and yada yada… Since it’s already boring me, I’ll shift gears and chat about dead people jewelry.
Did you know you can turn the ashes of a loved one (already deceased preferable) into a diamond? How crazy is that? I mean, I guess it make more sense than keeping an urn on the fireplace mantle, but still.
It may seem insensitive (probably because it is), but I wonder what other kinds of memorabilia could fashioned out of cremated remains:
I’m nursing a bit of a ‘gover right now (y’know… shorthand for hangover), so I’m going to roll these out as best as I can.
First order up – Chris Elliott has a daughter, Abby. Now it’s not weird that this guy has daughter:
And it’s not weird that I’m very attracted to her (her impersonation of Kirsten Dunst):
What is weird is there is a family resemblance… Maybe that explains why I’ve been dreaming about Chris Elliott for all these years…
Anywhopper, the point of this post is that Abby is joining the cast of Saturday Night Live, as well as Michaela Watkins. If any of Chris Elliott’s knack for oddball comedy has rubbed off on her (wait, that sounds gross), then SNL will be that much better for having her (and much easier on the eyes… goodbye crush on Kristen Wiig!)
The only good thing to come out of five “Scary Movies”:
As powerful as expected, President Elect Barack Obama gave his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park last night. My sister, Becky, was there to witness it as it happened.
I was just there over the weekend, as I mentioned in another post, to see the Lions get beat by the Bears, barely. (I was wearing my #20 Seanders jersey, and you better believe I was the nicest guy in Soldier Field ever, but I digress.) I was kind of waiting for the inevitable to happen before I revealed this, but… I found a copy of Obama’s first draft of the speech.
It turned up in a trash bin outside of a Potbelly near Michigan Avenue. What was I doing looking in the trash, you might wonder, and rather than let your mind wander, I’ll share this… my sister threw out half of her cookie I totally would have eaten!
Some highlights from the speech, followed by excerpts of the alleged first draft:
He opened the speech with talk of the American dream, and about the people that waited in record lines to vote.
It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.
He originally planned to finish that statement with this: “…of states of confusion and states of clarity.”
After more positivity, he spoke about his opponent:
Sen. McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he’s fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.
I thought this part would have been nice had he kept it: “And wasn’t he great on Saturday Night Live? The part about the Joe action figures, and the pork knives… heck, the whole thing was pretty hilarious.”
I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they’ve achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.
“Oh, and thanks, again Senator for choosing the Governor as your running mate. Really, really thanks.”
He goes on to thank Vice President Elect Joe Biden, his wife, his children, his grandmother that passed away the day before the election, and the rest of his family. Then he brought up his friends.
And to my campaign manager, David Plouffe, the unsung hero of this campaign, who built the best — the best political campaign, I think, in the history of the United States of America. To my chief strategist David Axelrod who’s been a partner with me every step of the way.
“And Bill… you know who you are, and where you are. Whether you’re above ground, or underground.”
But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you.
“And to you, and you, and you… (point at random people for about ten minutes).”
The remainder pretty much remained the same, except for the very ending.
This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.
Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.
“And thanks for taking a chance on me.” Then he planned to close with one of these songs:
Or Flo Rida’s hit:
(Full actual transcript from CNN here. Full actual video of speech here.)
I have known a few people through the years that have done things that some people may see as odd, such as wearing leather chaps to a co-ed softball game while covered in peanut butter, or making artwork out of animal intestines.
Okay, actually, they are odd, but some people find that off-putting. For me, these people are the spice of life (the off-the-cuff kind of spice you’d find at CVS or Aldi’s). They’re a modern performance artist, in my opinion, and I can say I’m not too different (see the new #7 on my Fact Sheet). Or they’re completely batshit crazy, but who cares?
Crispin Glover may be a genius or a nutjob (the separtion between the two is a thin line, and we’re not talking cocaine here… or are we?) Check out Screen Junkies’ list of his “9 Most Bizarre Moments.”
I didn’t want to do another video post, but this I couldn’t pass up.
Not really knowing the man Mark Wahlberg (obviously), I would think someone who became famous because his brother was in a boy band (“Oh-oh-ohoho!”) would have a sense of humor. Guess not…
(Watch Andy Samberg’s entire skit here. From IDLYITW.)