review

Unofficial Trilogy… Crappy Comic Book Movies That Were More Satisfying Than The Dark Knight Rises

Posted on by sgottahurt

These are not the brightest, but they are far from the worst.  To go even further, I enjoyed these three crappy comic book movies more than I enjoyed The Dark Knight (*yawn*) Returns Rises.  See what you think about my Unofficial Trilogy:

Maybe I should have picked all DC/Vertigo adaptations… Would anyone have noticed?

CONSTANTINE (2005)

Based on the main character from Hellblazer, and released a year after Hellboy, this film at least benefited from a variety of baddies and demons.  All Hellboy faced was a multitude of Sammael’s (the devil squid-dog creature), but I digress.  Constantine was fun because the story was about heaven versus hell, Satan was played to hammy oddness by Peter Stormare, Shia LeBeouf dies (spoiler!), and it followed logic and a plot.  It was crappy because John Constantine was played by Keanu Reeves, Gavin Rossdale of Bush was in it, and Shia LeBeouf came back as an angel (double spoiler!). The rise of John Constantine felt much more natural than Bruce Wayne’s.

FANTASTIC FOUR (2005)

This was a breezy adaptation of a very old comic book.  To begin, Doctor Doom was nowhere near menacing and maniacal enough.  But they got the relationship stuff right, especially when it came to the pranks between The Thing and Johnny Storm.  Even the shout outs to Yancy Street and the inclusion of Alicia Masters were surprising.  But still… it was cheesy.  But I guess Fantastic Four should be cheesy.  TDKR shouldn’t, but you wouldn’t have known by the ending (which was the only thing I liked incidentally).

GREEN LANTERN (2011)

Greg Berlanti, one of the writers of this film, knows nothing about superheroes.  His TV shows, No Ordinary Family and Eli Stone (he had powers, sort of), were flimsy attempts at showing the extraordinary in the ordinary, and this film was no different.  So why did I like it better than TDKR?  Even though it had purple aliens and power lamps and magic rings and a killer cloud and Blake Lively’s cleavage, it still made more sense than all the loose story threads in The Dark Knight Rises.  Perhaps if The Dark Knight wasn’t so damn good…

The Silver Lining… At Least The Dark Knight Rises Ripped Off An Academy Award-Winning Script

Posted on by sgottahurt

For anyone who hasn’t seen The Dark Knight Rises yet, I won’t give any spoilers.  But let it be known… I thought it was meh.  The ending is the only thing that saved it… and the funny thing is it ripped off another movie.

So this film was made up of…

…a cool vertical airplane destruction scene…

…an extreme tragedy on a football field…

…explosives chasing our hero and being disposed of by our hero…

…and the ending of this Academy Award-winning film.

 

Awesome Battle… Supporting Will Ferrell Vs. Lead Will Ferrell

Posted on by sgottahurt

With The Campaign on its way to a theater near you, I thought it was a good time to evaluate Will Ferrell’s hits and misses via his earlier supporting roles compared to his starring roles.  It’s an Awesome Battle for the ages!

  • WILL FERRELL’S SUPPORTING ROLES
austin power mustafa ladies man lance delune superstar jesus jay silent bob marshal willenholly zoolander jacobim mugatu old school frank ricard

Such diversity… he’s like the Modern Lon Chaney, Jr… or Mod Chaney… or Lon Chaney, Jr. Jr.

Though in these parts he may have played second hat (which seemed to require weird hair… or a hat), no one can deny that Ferrell didn’t chew up his scenes, starting with Mustafa in the Austin Powers.  When he wanted to oil up and wrestle in the otherwise horrible The Ladies Man, he brought moments of tolerableness.  He not only took on Jesus in Superstar, but also Jay and Silent Bob as they struck back.  His Mugatu must have been on crazy pills because he was the only one that could see the fool that Zoolander was.  And who could forget his reintroduction streaking through the courtyard (or his ass) in Old School?

  • WILL FERRELL’S LEADING ROLES
elf buddy anchorman ron burgundy talladega nights ricky bobby stranger than fiction harold crick step brothers brennan huff other guys allen gamble

All of them are capable of moments of “assholeness“… even Buddy in Elf

He can play it straight (Stranger Than Fiction), he can play it dry (Anchorman), or he can play it over the top (Elf)… but we still have to admit it: he plays it better when he has someone else to play off of (Talladega Nights, Step Brothers, The Other Guys).  That might be why I have to give the Awesome Battle to his supporting roles.  Or do I?

  • *THE WINNER* WILL FERRELL’S CAMEOS
wedding crashers chazz reinhold starsky hutch big earl goods mcdermott tim eric billion dollar movie damien weebs

You know every one of these characters if you’ve seen these films. If you don’t – you just haven’t seen them.

SIDENOTE: Sorry, but I have not seen Megamind, Everything Must Go, or Casa de mi Padre.  Or any of his older more criticized flicks like Semi-Pro, Land of the Lost, Bewitched, Kicking and Screaming, or A Night at the Roxbury.  I did see Blades of Glory; I regret that.  I have no excuses for The Producers, Winter Passing, or Melinda and Melinda, or any of the smaller films.  But that’s why none of them are included – I didn’t see them or they sucked so I didn’t see them or they sucked
.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Those Are Some Good Questions About “Prometheus” (SPOILERS)

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you haven’t seen Ridley Scott’s Prometheus and you’re planning to, don’t watch this video.

If you’ve already seen it, and didn’t even ask yourself a few of these questions, heaven (which apparently is full of Space Jockeys) help you.

I applaud sci-fi films that take a less-is-more stance.  My biggest problem with this film was all the on-the-nose dialogue.  But I have to admit, it sure was pretty… unlike the above reviewers.

Unofficial Trilogy… Adapted Screenplay Edition (Now In Theaters)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Mars needs women... and food.

This Unofficial Trilogy is a special one.  It contains three theatrical treats, as opposed to DVD releases.  (It might be a bit misleading to say treats, but I liked the alliteration of it all.)

What makes these three pieces of work work as a threesome is that they are all adapted, um, works.  John Carter is based on Edgar Rice Burroughs’ A Princess of Mars, 21 Jump Street is based on Stephen J. Cannell’s TV show, and kids TV show scripter Suzanne Collins wrote the book about kids killing each other for food.

So how do they stack up?

JOHN CARTER

Definitely the weakest of the bunch, and it’s a shame.  I had high hopes for this one despite its uninteresting previews, and I don’t even think the high hopes were what let me down.  Uneven pacing, too many plot points, no sense of wonder – these components were what let me down.  And it’s a shame, too.  This is director Andrew Stanton’s first foray into the real world.  He might be better off back behind an array of computers.  Compared to his Finding Nemo and Wall-E, John Carter doesn’t hold a CG-candle to them.

21 JUMP STREET

Often times, when cop comedies get stuck in their actual crime story, they lose some of their laughs (Hot Fuzz, The Other Guys, Police Academy series).  That is not the case with 21 Jump Street.  Adapted from a serious, and sometimes preachy, show, this flick is more about two buddies overcoming the differences in their past than anything else.  Who would have ever thought I’d enjoy a Channing Tatum film?

THE HUNGER GAMES

I don’t want to hype this movie up any more than it already is, but believe the hype.  This film is a winner.  I had no expectations or drive to see this film (since I’m not a teenager I didn’t read the books), and I think I was about an hour into it when I turned to someone with me and whispered:

I love this fucking film.

It might be too early to share this, but I’m looking more forward to Catching Fire (book two in The Hunger Games trilogy) than I am The Avengers.  And that’s saying a lot.

My Bloody Valentine’s Day Weekend (A Friday The 13th Review)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve finally seen the new Friday the 13th movie, and though my hopes weren’t set that high (well, they were set at least hurdle length off the ground), it sort of disappointed.

The opening sequence showed promise.  It even included a dude singing this song while listening to his iPod.  It showed some of the mechanics of Jason Voorhees tactics, but from there, not much else surprised.  I wasn’t looking for them to reinvent the wheel… just tweak it a bit.

I love the original Dawn of the Dead, but the new one enhances its story.  The same goes for The Hills Have Eyes.  This one falls in with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake – they both could have been worse, but they could have been better.  (Haven’t seen either Halloween or My Bloody Valentine, so no comment.)

I thought Jason was too powerful and menacing without showing any origin for his alleged supernatural abilities.  In the earliest films (2-4), he was vulnerable and clumsy, and in effect made him scarier.  He could be defeated, but no one was doing it.  Starting with Part 6, he was brought back to life and became zombie-like, and that worked for most of the remaining films.  The best in the series is still Freddy Vs. Jason, because it follows all the rules of both series, with tongue firmly planted in cheek.

SPOILERS: What’s with the Tom Cruise lookalike’s unwarranted hostility in the film?  Also, when did Jason ever keep somebody locked up and alive (a problem slightly hinted at in Part 4)?  And how do you show a bug zapper twice and not use it to dispense anybody!  (At least I called the wood chipper…)

Hail, hail, the gangs all GAHHHHHH!

Hail, hail, the gangs all GAHHHHHH!

(via this dude’s site)