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Unofficial Trilogy… 80’s Movies That Will (Hopefully) Never Get Remade Edition

Posted on May 14, 2012 by sgottahurt

There was a time when it took some serious chops for a movie to get made. Studios held all the cards, so they chose on what to gamble. Here are some cringe-worthy gambles from the 80’s that I’d be shocked to see get remade these days:

These came out of Hollywood when P.C. just meant Pacific Coast…

THE TOY (1982)

For those of you unaware of the premise: a rich white guy rents an adult black man to be his son’s friend for a week. I loved it as a kid, but in hind sight, how did it ever get made? Who ever tricked Richard Pryor, Jackie Gleason, and director Richard Donner to get involved should get some kind of metal. But then again, it was the 80’s. Cocaine was probably somehow involved.

SOUL MAN (1986)

White Actor! C. Thomas Howell plays a student that takes tanning pills to get dark enough skin to appear black. Your first instinct might be to ask “Huh?” but here’s the answer to why: so he can get a scholarship to Harvard specifically intended for African-American students. Now you can ask the “Huh?”

WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S (1989)

This is the tamest of the three, but it’s seemingly the least credible. How could Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy lug such a flexible deceased Bernie around all weekend without rigor mortis setting in?

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Colin Farrell – Remake King

Posted on April 12, 2012 by sgottahurt

Face upgrades throughout his Hollywood career...

With Colin Farrell’s Total ~~Remake~~ Recall coming out this summer, it got me thinking… hasn’t he done this before? It’s kind of like Total Recall in Total Real Life. He’s becoming sort of the Remake King, and it may suit him well.

When S.W.A.T. was originally released, Farrell was the Sam Worthington of that moment. He was the foreign Actor! living the Hollywood dream. You couldn’t escape his movies – Hart’s War, Minority Report, Phone Booth, The Recruit, and, ugh… Daredevil (his Bullseye was the best thing about that movie).

By the time Miami Vice was released, Anytown Vice could have been breathing down his neck. Addictions to pain killers and Playboy models were derailing his career, and this film was not helped by it (or, ugh… Jamie Foxx.)

(SIDENOTE: Insert In Bruges here. This film is not a remake, but to me, it remade his career. This was the first time I thoroughly enjoyed his work as an Actor in bold, versus my usual sarcastic Italics!)

As for Fright Night and Total Recall, the court’s still out for me. I enjoyed the originals of both, and I don’t think his presence will hurt either of the newer incarnations. My big question is:

What’s the next remake he’ll, um, remake?

Now that Hollywood’s diving into 90’s television with the reboot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch (which I guess was technically and re-imagining of the comic book character), my suggestion is to go back to the TV remakes with Full House: The Movie!

Uncle Jesse, anyone?

JusWondering… What Other President Should Get Rebooted?

Posted on March 16, 2012 by sgottahurt

This post is a sort of double-whammy JusWondering. The first part is a legitimate whimsical question; the follow-up is philosophical. Hopefully both are fun.

The first real question that smolders in my, um, title line is

What other president should get rebooted?

Hollywood loves its reboots, re-imaginings, and remakes, and these upcoming films are proof.

You’ve probably heard about this first one by now – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Here’s the preview:

But did you also know that FDR: American Badass! exists (or at least will very soon)?

If Hollywood followed these templates, I’d say George Washington or JFK are ripe for action-packed movies:

I’d venture to guess in another twenty years, Ronald Reagan will get rebooted, too.

Now onto my second JusWondering… does anyone else feel slightly offended by Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and FDR: American Badass!? Because weirdly, I do. And what’s stranger, I was born and raised Roman Catholic and these doesn’t bother me one bit:

Musical Musings… Imagined Re-Imaginings Of Other Songs

Posted on January 25, 2012 by sgottahurt

We live in a world that’s becoming more and more full of remakes, reboots, and re-imaginings. What if some songs we know and maybe love are in reality re-imaginings of older songs?

What if DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince’s You Saw My Blinker (Bitch)…

…was really re-imagined as Ludacris’ Move Bitch?

What if Huey Lewis and The News’ I Want a New Drug…

…was really re-imagined as Nine Inch Nails’ The Perfect Drug?

What if Christopher Cross’ Sailing…

…was really re-imagined as AWOLNATION’s Sail?

What if The Whispers’ Rock Steady…

…was really re-imagined as LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem?

What if Sir Mix-A-Lot’s Baby Got Back…

was really re-imagined as Big Sean and Nicki Minaj’s Ass?

(SIDENOTE: I always love making this song the butt of my joke…)

Awesome Battle… It’s Fright Night Fight Night!

Posted on May 22, 2011 by sgottahurt

Who doesn’t love the classics?

Who doesn’t love remakes?

Well, typically I never look forward to remakes, but their have been some decent ones through the years. One of my personal favorites is Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead. He did all right by George Romero’s original, which is probably his best zombie film to date. I’m not saying would actually date it… but I’d probably fool around.

Anyreboot, Fright Night is an 80’s classic you may or may not be familiar with, so here’s its preview:

I’ve always had a soft spot for the film, and here are the reasons why:

It’s cheesy good. For comparison, what’s cheesy bad? Actually, I think anything cheesy is good because it’s cheesy, especially if it was made in the 80’s.
It’s self-aware. It knows that it’s a send up of schlocky horror films, hence RoddyMcDowall’s character…
…Peter Vincent: Vampire Hunter. Think Vincent Price in the style of local horror film TV hosts.
Writer/Director Tom Holland. He elevates the Rear Window rip-off into celebratory genre-crossing territory, like Shaun of the Dead would do about two decades later. Plus, he also wrote Cloak & Dagger – one of my all time faves.
Marcy D’Arcy, Herman’s Head, and Jack Skellington. Well, the Actors! that would go onto play those roles round out the cast.

So you would think the thought of a remake would set me off on a rampage, and it might have had I heard of it before seeing this preview:

Okay, the CGI bothers me, but the cast is actually pretty good:

Colin Ferrell – you know who he is
Anton Yelchin – Chekov in the new Star Trek; Kyle Reese in Terminator Salvation; Charlie Bartlett
Toni Collette – the mom in Sixth Sense, About a Boy, and Little Miss Sunshine; United States of Tara
Christopher Mintz-Plasse – McLovin in Superbad; Red Mist in Kick-Ass
David Tennant – Dr. Who; somebody in one of the Harry Potter films

Can the story stand the test of time… and technology… and modern sensibilities… and directors? We’ll see in August.

JusWondering… What Films Will Inevitably Be Remade?

Posted on March 25, 2011 by sgottahurt

Your time will come...

Hollywood loves remakes. It also loves sequels and reboots, but it really loves remakes. And it’s not just horror films anymore. Footloose and Red Dawn are on the horizon. There’s talk of remaking Dune (needs it), Short Circuit (ready for a CG robot, anyone?), and Judge Dredd (more Rob Schneider please).

What else might be coming up?

(SIDENOTE: Did this trend begin when the TV shows-turned-into-movies trend ended?)

At lunch, we discussed the inevitability of a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off remake. Who would play Ferris? Shia LeBeouf? Zac Efron? Zack or Cody?

To me, if they remake such a seminal 80’s film as Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, then the 90’s flick Reality Bites wouldn’t be far off. And that leaves me tons of more questions:

Who would be cast in that film?
Would it keep the same name? (Reality Sucks Balls anyone?)
Would it be about vampires?
Why is Janeane Garafalo so gross now?

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Song Remakes Rated By Movie Remakes

Posted on June 16, 2010 by sgottahurt

Remakes are hardly better.

With all the remakes leaking out of Hollywood like – oh, I don’t know – an unstoppable oil spill, I started thinking about song remakes… how they don’t happen as often, and when they do, how they tend to be worthy updates or at least interesting spins (outdated pun!) on the original.

That’s when I decided to present a So, Duh! Pop Quiz that will have you match a song remake with a comparable film remake.

1) Anberlin’s version of New Order’s True Faith

2) Cake’s version of Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive

3) Eddie Vedder’s version of Indio’s Hard Sun

4) Flo Rida’s version of Dead or Alive’s You Spin Me Round (called Right Round)

5) Shinedown’s version of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Simple Man

BONUS: To check out My Top Ten List of 80’s (Music) Remakes, click here.

(Answers… or opinions, I guess… after the jump…) Read More

Musical Musings… My Top Ten List Of 80’s Remakes

Posted on July 17, 2009 by sgottahurt

So many comments, so little time. (See below*)

A couple months ago, I showcased my friend/boss Paul’s top five punk covers of 80’s rock bands, but I feel he missed out on some other fine remakes by focusing solely on the punk versions.

I didn’t and still don’t agree with his number one selection, and although two of his choices made my top ten list, he’s little bit out of touch with the alternative music scene of late. I’m not claiming to be any wunderkind either, but here are ten of my favorite reinventions/redos/remakes/reboots… whatever it is that Hollywood calls them.

Let me know in the comments if I missed any.

10) No Doubt – It’s My Life (original by Talk Talk)
Probably the last good song No Doubt made, and will ever make, and it’s not even their own.

9) Seether – Careless Whisper (original by Wham!)
Cool video. Not sure if it’s official.

8) Alien Ant Farm – Smooth Criminal (original by Michael Jackson, duh)
Paul put this at #5 of 5. See where I rank it. I think the leader singer’s weirdness in the video puts me off, but the homages to MJ’s life bring me back.

7) HIM – Wicked Game (original by Chris Isaak)
The original is a haunting song. HIM is a haunting band. Win.

6) The Ataris – Boys of Summer (original by Don Henley)
The Ataris once said in an interview I don’t feel like relocating that they wanted to remake this song to point out the creepiness inherent in it. I never noticed it was creepy until they mentioned it, and that made me love both versions more.

5) Nonpoint – In the Air Tonight (original by Phil Collins)
The gorilla says it all for me.

4) Disturbed – Land of Confusion (original by Genesis)
Likewise, the puppets say it all for me.

3) Orgy – Blue Monday (original by New Order)
This isn’t really my kind of music (neither version). And the fact that I dig it despite that speaks volumes.

2) Marilyn Manson – Tainted Love (original by Soft Cell)
Who am I kidding? The video sold me. Chyler Leigh, Mia Kirshner, and Jaime Pressly will cancel out Manson every time.

1) Limp Bizkit – Faith (original by George Michael)
I make no apologies for this. I had a weird story happen over the course of listening to this song, and for that, it gets number one. And now for the comments on the pic at the top of the post:

* COMMENTS
“I don’t know who pulls off the leather better. I’d bet it’s a tie.”
“Is George Michael smelling his armpit?”
“Why does Fred Durst look like one of my uncles now? They even wear the same jacket!”
“Why do I get the feeling these two have awkwardly bumped into each other using the restroom.”
“something-something… at least he’s wearing a glove!”

Finis.

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Punk Covers Of 80’s Songs

Posted on May 14, 2009 by sgottahurt

99 Red Bowling Shirts

Aaah, the 80’s. They’re definitely Generation X (and sometimes Y)’s version of our parents and their nostalgic-laden 60’s. And since my boss, Paul, and I are huge fans of living in the past, Paul thought he’d double-dip in the ethers of remember-when, and present this list:

Top 5 Punk Covers of 80’s Songs

5. Smooth Criminal – Alien Ant Farm
“I was never a big Michael Jackson fan, especially his late 80’s work, but this version makes this song listenable.”

4. Boys of Summer – The Ataris
“While Don Henley’s original has some 80’s nostalgia to it, this is by far a better version.”

3. Come On Eileen – Save Ferris
“Awesome remake by this ska band wit the lead vocal hottie. I can actually understand Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ lyrics with this version.” [Ed. – When I saw saw them in concert, “vocal hottie” Monique Powell had this joke to say:]

What’s worse than Grease on Olivia Newton-John? Come on Eileen!

2. Take On Me – Reel Big Fish
“One of the best ska bands from the 90’s doing the #1 80’s Hit from A-Ha. Also, it was featured in the South Park creators’ movie, Baseketball.” [For those stuck more in the 80’s than us, those creators would be none other than Trey Parker and Matt Stone, natch. – Ed.]

1. 99 Red Balloons – Goldfinger
“One of my favorite punk bands doing one the the better songs from the 80’s by Nena.”

JusWondering… What Do Hackman, Rudd, The Gute, And The Mac Guy Have In Common?

Posted on April 13, 2009 by sgottahurt

In response to the post title’s inquiry: they’re all… Actors!

Here’s a couple things I’ve been JusWondering about each.

1) Gene Hackman

"Men at Work 2: Trash Tweens"

Whatever happened to Gene “Hack Man” Hackman? Why hasn’t he been acting lately? The last film he appeared in was Welcome to Mooseport, and heaven forbid something happens to him, but does an actor of his caliber really want his swan song to be a co-starring vehicle with the guy that played a CGI mammoth? Personally, I think he’s better than most of the Actors! of his generation… mostly because he was Lex Luthor and Popeye Doyle. And of course, Royal Tenenbaum.

2) Paul Rudd/Steve Guttenberg

The Rudd meets the Gute, and it was "Grute"

Paul Rudd reminds my mother of Steve Guttenberg, for some reason. Though I would have to admit that if they when they remake Police Academy, Rudd would make a great Mahoney.

I also think he would make a great Krull, if that’s what the main character’s name was. If Krull is the blue guy, the chick, or the kick-ass weapon, then no. All I remember about Krull is that kick-ass weapon.

I should have Photoshopped Rudd into this, but I'm lazy.

3) Justin Long

He Longs for a major hit.

How about this guy and his scene stealing? I don’t think he works as well as a lead (Accepted or Waiting…), or as well as an assistant lead (Live Free or Die Hard), but in bit parts… he shines. Since I was initially amused by him in Galaxy Quest, he’s eaten the scenery (and his co-stars) in The Break Up, Idiocracy, Walk Hard, and Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Will Ferrell started off the same way, in the background out loud, and now he slays in (most of) his films. Maybe the same will happen Justin time so he won’t have to wait for too Long.

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