Holy crap! We’ve been busy at work, so my boss/friend Paul has been unable to make a new list, despite my pestering and bugging. So in honor of the “Holy Crapness” of this event, allow me to present:
Top 5 Subtle Christian-Approved Songs of the 80’s
5) Maneater – Hall & Oates Sample Line: “Watch out boy, she’ll chew you up!” Christian-Approved Message: You couldn’t get anymore anti-oral sex than this song. Missionary only, please. (After marriage, of course…)
4) Keep Your Hands to Yourself – The Georgia Satellites Sample Line: “No huggin’, no kissin’, until you make me your wife.” Christian-Approved Message: This song should appeal to the abstinence-only crowd (hello, Jonas Brothers), as well as explain the shotgun weddings found often in the South (hello, Miley Cyrus).
3) We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off – Jermaine Stewart Sample Line: (see title) Christian-Approved Message: Another abstinence-only song. Girls are throwing themselves at him, and he is telling them, “No thanks, let’s just dance and drink some cherry wine.” He’s either very religious, or very gay… or both. (There might be openings at the monastery.)
2) Papa Don’t Preach – Madonna Sample Line: “I’m gonna keep my baby… mmm…” Christian-Approved Message: While the fact that Madonna is singing about getting knocked up out of wedlock might not sit well with the religious right, the fact that she is going to keep my her baby and get married to the boyfriend has to appeal to the pro-life movement. (And the messages of songs #3 and #4…)
1) You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC Sample Line: “Yeah you… shook me… all… night… long.” Christian-Approved Message: Unbeknowest to most people, this song is actually about a female demon that is exorcised. (Or is it exercised?)