If anyone is holding their breath for a live-action Smurfs film, keep holding your breath. Not so much because the movie isn’t happening, but because we need to strengthen the gene pool.
That being said, next year marks the release of Avatar 2, er, I mean, The Smurfs, and this is sample CGI rendering of one:
You've seen one Smurf, you've seen one hundred...
It’s supposed to take place in New York’s Central Park (for some reason), and a live Actor! will portray Gargamel (although one would guess that Azrael would also be animated… you know, because a good cat Actor! is hard to come by these days).
Anyblue, the movie will most likely be horrible. Unless – and this is bigger than three apples high “unless” – the film has a twist ending like this 2005 Belgium ad for UNICEF. I don’t know if it’s supposed to make me happy or sad, but I willing to let you guess which emotion it elicits from me:
If you’re wondering what the last message’s translation happens to be, it’s this:
Don’t let war affect the lives of children.
Geez. Thanks for taking all the fun out of the video Babel Fish.
I drool in anticipation. (<— I was going to go with a few options other than drool, but they bordered on inappropriate.)
The Nickelodeon cartoon this adaptation is based on is one of the best I’ve fully enjoyed, and it’s a shame James Cameron beat M. Night Shyamalan to the film naming pool. (The show was on in 2005. But I guess Titanic earns you more weight for that cannonball than The Happening.)
Don’t let the pectacular stud on the poster fool you, this ending is full of non-sequiturs. Apparently, this film featured like 100 characters and required as many asides, glances, and incidents of closure. Don’t believe me about the amount of reaction shots? Look out for:
the creepy coach with dentures
a mentally-challenged (?) wolfman-ish brother (?)
an 80’s rocker girl
Ocean Spray logos
the bad kid from Karate Kid
a Santa Claus biker with his child sidekick
lots of thumbs-ups
the return of an absentee (possibly recovering alcoholic) father
What can I add to the splendor of the horror that is this inept piece of cinema. Oh yeah. R.O.T.O.R. stands for: Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research. The flick’s poster is more robotic than the robot in the film, and it’s made of paper.
This one already made it’s way around the TripleDoubleU, but it has to be included in this Awful Battle. Creepy must hang in the air around any of the Jackson family… in this case, it’s Michael’s brother, Marlon.
I’ve seen a few horror films that have creeped me out, and one documentary that reduced me to a shambled mess, but this may the first documentary that gives me the heebie-jeebies (I had it once already as a kid, but I’ve heard you can catch it again, unlike chicken pox, but very much like cooties.)
I dare you to watch the entire preview. In fact, you must watch the entire preview.
I’m well aware that there’s been much ballyhoo about the fact that we’ll see a few movies this year that all have to deal with the Roman Numeral IX. There’s three – count ’em, three – similarly named, though completely different, films:
Peter Jackson’s production of District 9, which is a filler product until he can get the video game movie Halo off the ground.
And for the record, we already had a Ryan Reynolds flick (as if he’s a genre) two years ago that was called The Nines.
What is it about understated titles that these filmmakers and producers find so appealing? Does it save on toner? Why couldn’t they have used different numbers, or even letters for that matter? There are a lot of numbers and letters ripe for the plucking.
In the spirit of beating a dead horse, why don’t we take a look at a gallery of movie posters that kept the titles simple for the hearts and minds and marquee changers of America:
(IN CASE YOU DIDN’T NOTICE: Steven Spielberg has directed three of the above.)