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JusWondering… Why Is There Still No Film About Moe Norman?

Posted on September 27, 2011 by sgottahurt

I don’t read as much as I should, and I don’t follow as many sports now as I may one day in my life. But the convergence of those two facts lands as straight as one of his shots on Moe Norman:

That's Moe, mo' or less...

He’s a Canadian golfer that has a couple of books written about him, but the Wayne Gretzky-produced movie based on his life has yet to see the light.

Check out this video about him:

It’s supposed to be titled Dance the Green, but I have some other suggestions:

“Pipeline” (that’s his nickname, so it’s an obvious one)
“Teed Off” (sounds like too much of a comedy, although the film would likely be comical)
“UnderMoe” (underdog pun meets undertow rhyme)
“Golden Tee” (people might think it’s based on the video game, ergo, go and see it)

My best suggestion would have to be this one:

“Who is Moe Norman?”

InASense, Lost… Smurfs Get Smurfed The Smurf Up!

Posted on February 8, 2010 by sgottahurt

If anyone is holding their breath for a live-action Smurfs film, keep holding your breath. Not so much because the movie isn’t happening, but because we need to strengthen the gene pool.

That being said, next year marks the release of Avatar 2, er, I mean, The Smurfs, and this is sample CGI rendering of one:

You've seen one Smurf, you've seen one hundred...

It’s supposed to take place in New York’s Central Park (for some reason), and a live Actor! will portray Gargamel (although one would guess that Azrael would also be animated… you know, because a good cat Actor! is hard to come by these days).

Anyblue, the movie will most likely be horrible. Unless – and this is bigger than three apples high “unless” – the film has a twist ending like this 2005 Belgium ad for UNICEF. I don’t know if it’s supposed to make me happy or sad, but I willing to let you guess which emotion it elicits from me:

If you’re wondering what the last message’s translation happens to be, it’s this:

Don’t let war affect the lives of children.

Geez. Thanks for taking all the fun out of the video Babel Fish.

Happy Find… The Last Airbender Preview

Posted on February 5, 2010 by sgottahurt

I don’t have anything else to say.

I just really cannot wait for this movie.

I drool in anticipation. (<— I was going to go with a few options other than drool, but they bordered on inappropriate.)

The Nickelodeon cartoon this adaptation is based on is one of the best I’ve fully enjoyed, and it’s a shame James Cameron beat M. Night Shyamalan to the film naming pool. (The show was on in 2005. But I guess Titanic earns you more weight for that cannonball than The Happening.)

Anywind, Aang is the Avatar. Fuck Jake Sully.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Pardon Our Dust, But Here’s The Last …“, posted with vodpod

Awful Battle… Crappy Movie Endings That Are (Surprise!) Crappy

Posted on September 26, 2009 by sgottahurt

It’s been said that a movie’s ending will make or break it. In the case of these films, they were already broken, so the finales bring it on home.

AWFUL BATTLE… ACTION!

American Anthem

Don’t let the pectacular stud on the poster fool you, this ending is full of non-sequiturs. Apparently, this film featured like 100 characters and required as many asides, glances, and incidents of closure. Don’t believe me about the amount of reaction shots? Look out for:

the creepy coach with dentures
moustached gymnasts
a mentally-challenged (?) wolfman-ish brother (?)
an 80’s rocker girl
Ocean Spray logos
smoking hands
the bad kid from Karate Kid
a Santa Claus biker with his child sidekick
lots of thumbs-ups
the return of an absentee (possibly recovering alcoholic) father
flashing lights
an army of gay bikers
Mary Lou Retton (?)
Little Orphan Annie

Click Poster For Video

Locusts

Made for CBS in 2005, at first viewing, you would think this film was intending to be a tongue-in-cheek comedy. According to iMDB IMDb, these are the categories it falls under:

Action | Sci-Fi | Horror | Drama | Thriller

With scenes like this it’s hard to believe, but with an ending like the one below, I’m thinking IMDb is full of kidders.

Click Poster For Video

R.O.T.O.R.

What can I add to the splendor of the horror that is this inept piece of cinema. Oh yeah. R.O.T.O.R. stands for: Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research. The flick’s poster is more robotic than the robot in the film, and it’s made of paper.

Click Poster For Video

Student Confidential

This one already made it’s way around the TripleDoubleU, but it has to be included in this Awful Battle. Creepy must hang in the air around any of the Jackson family… in this case, it’s Michael’s brother, Marlon.

You Know What To Do

Hibbidy-Wah?! Wah. The. F—.

Posted on September 16, 2009 by sgottahurt

I’ve seen a few horror films that have creeped me out, and one documentary that reduced me to a shambled mess, but this may the first documentary that gives me the heebie-jeebies (I had it once already as a kid, but I’ve heard you can catch it again, unlike chicken pox, but very much like cooties.)

I dare you to watch the entire preview. In fact, you must watch the entire preview.

JusWondering… Do We Need 9, Nine, And District 9 When We Already Had The Nines?

Posted on May 30, 2009 by sgottahurt

I’m well aware that there’s been much ballyhoo about the fact that we’ll see a few movies this year that all have to deal with the Roman Numeral IX. There’s three – count ’em, three – similarly named, though completely different, films:

The amazing looking animated film called 9, which is based on the animated short called 9.
Rob Marshall’s follow up to Chicago called Nine, which is the musical remake of Fellini’s 8 ½.
Peter Jackson’s production of District 9, which is a filler product until he can get the video game movie Halo off the ground.

And for the record, we already had a Ryan Reynolds flick (as if he’s a genre) two years ago that was called The Nines.

What is it about understated titles that these filmmakers and producers find so appealing? Does it save on toner? Why couldn’t they have used different numbers, or even letters for that matter? There are a lot of numbers and letters ripe for the plucking.

In the spirit of beating a dead horse, why don’t we take a look at a gallery of movie posters that kept the titles simple for the hearts and minds and marquee changers of America: