Oh, you don’t? I thought she was… and he was… oh, never mind.
I’ve decided that I’m not finding (or looking) for funny pictures anymore, which used to constitute Worth 1002 Words. If I find one that works, I’ll post it. But you know what else is Worth 1002 Words? Some videos, like this one:
CAPTION: Value Men-Boo!
- Chicken McScaredycats
- Worry Flurry
- Big OMG
- McRibbings Return!
- Got Served
I’m not an adventurous sort when it involves my taste buds… which is a terrible way to put I don’t like a lot of different foods. So this post won’t include anything “shocking” unless you consider #4 unsettling.
Here it is! The short list you’ve been dying for! A Handful Of Foods I Will Never Try!
1) BANANA SPLIT
What’s wrong with a banana split? Sure, I enjoy (most) flavors of ice cream and whip cream, and though I’m no fan of cherries, they can easily be removed. What’s wrong with a banana split? The banana!
I’m no fan of seafood (nor mollusks), but I have tried:
- shrimp (gross)
- lobster (gross)
- escargot (not bad, but once was enough)
- sushi (not bad – could try again)
I draw the line at octopi. You could say it’s a Red Wings thing.
3) JELLIED PIG’S FEET
This shouldn’t be on this list because it’s obvious, and could be tied into #4, but it’s made the list because IT’S BEEN OFFERED TO ME. IN PERSON. AT A FRIEND’S HOME. (When we were kids, but still…)
4) ANYTHING FROM REALITY SHOWS
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or Joe Rogan) to deduce that I would not try anything people eat out of necessity in desolate countries and trick foreigners into eating by dubbing it a local delicacy.
(SIDENOTE: Welcome back, Fear Factor! And Joe Rogan!)
Food items this has that I don’t like:
- Barbecue sauce – check
- Onion slices – check
- Pickles slices – check
- Rubbery, pressed meat product – check
If you’re unaware of the concept planking, here’s a British puff piece on the craze:
Here’s a much more interesting (and humorous) alternate… cone-ing:
Okay, all you Super-Sized McFatties out there, are you ready for this?
Wait… that’s kind of the wrong way to start this post. Kind of like how McDonald’s started Grimace out as an evil, four-armed thief…
He was introduced in 1971, and made only these two appearances as a bad guy. For whatever reason, he was quickly converted into the purple gumdrop we all know and… are mildly nostalgic about? But finding out about this, one night while drinking, finally shed some light on a question I’ve long battled:
If Grimace means a sharp contortion of the face expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust, why would they name the lovable oaf that?
It’s because he started out as a… sharp contortion of the face expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust, I guess.
But I digress. Anyone out there remember Uncle O’Grimacy? Because for some reason, I don’t.
But this talk of Shamrock Shakes and St. Patrick’s Day gets me thinking… man, I can’t wait to do more drinking. And drinking is what lead me to this overall discovery.
It’s the circle of life. Or the Golden Arches of life. Have it your way. Oh wait, that’s the Burger King slogan, but I’m lovin’ it.
This dream happened to be a spanning, time looping dream à la Timecrimes, an interesting if not perfect Spanish film involving, um, time looping.
I was on a college campus trying to kill my other selves, contemplating the dynamics of it. Am I the proper incarnation? Can all the versions coexist? Am I committing suicide if I exterminate an alternate me? (Heavy stuff for a sleeping noggin.)
Anyexistentialism, the entire episode finished at the student center bookstore which had a McDonald’s in it. The banner above the Golden Arches read, “Now serving Subway subs and Pepsi Golden!”
I was excited to order a Pepsi Golden, thinking it was beer. It was just yellow Pepsi.
And in case you were wondering what it tasted like – carbonated cake batter.
DREAM INGREDIENTS: Back-to-back soccer games… and four pints of Guinness
I have suddenly and not-so-inexplicably become obsessed with something from my youth. No, it’s not the Sesame Street Playset that I accidentally won on eBay (and will be giving to my brother for his upcoming birthday – glad he doesn’t read this blog, even though I always ask him to!)
It’s even better than that:
I completely forgot about them! And in doing research to try to find out more about the robots-in-disfries, I stumbled upon these guys and was further surprised:
McDino Changeables? Isn’t that going a little bit too far?
But how could I ever forget this crew:
I don’t know what’s been going on lately other than I haven’t been drinking as much (which I wrecktified last night), so I have a hard time falling asleep (which is probably a bad thing on a whole bunch of different levels).
Whatever this nostalgia malady is all about, I hope it ends soon.
…I just bid on some McDino Changeables…
The other day, as I was walking into the office, I realized something. Although I had parked in a far spot and the quickest route to the building’s entrance would have been over the grass, I followed the concrete walk.
But am I not a trailblazer? Am I not a man of my own convictions? I thought about this for a bit once I got to my desk, and I chalked it up to being “green” and worrying about “the environment.”
Then later, as I was logging into Twitter to do some Tweeting, I thought about how popular the micro-blogging site seems to be getting since I joined in the fun, and it lead me to wonder… did I sign up before I started hearing about it everywhere, or did I sign up because I started hearing about it everywhere?
(via Unemployed Dad)
Then later still, I found myself taking a survey… and as I awaited the results, I hoped I was in the majority. I longed for getting mixed in with the masses. (Sure, it was a survey about Chris Brown and Rihanna, so of course I would pray that the majority was thinking like me.) But I always thought of myself as a guy that lived outside the box, not in it (unless perhaps I am the box… doubt it).
So who else out there thinks this commercial is funny enough to make it their voice mail?
I had to verify what my subconscious created in this doozy of a dream, because in another one, my subconscious got it completely all wrong. It works in the second dream because it makes it kinda funny. But the fact that I knew a certain fact in the first one so matter-of-, um, -factly kinda impresses me (humility is soooo overrated).
DREAM SCENARIO ONE
I was playing hockey. It wasn’t a professional game, but professionals were there. (This entire dream happened out of guilt for skipping pick-up hockey last night. In my defense, two friends were not going… I just hope they had enough people… curse you guilt!) Anyhattrick, one of the pros approached me at the end and said, “I heard your house could use a good spring cleaning.” I told him, “Yeah, it could,” and then wondered who he’d been talking to. That’s when he dropped this deal, “I’d do it. For five bucks.” How could I resist? So I handed him five bucks and made arrangements, not even thinking he could be scamming me for five bucks. And he showed up! To clean! The player in question:
Martin Brodeur, goalkeeper for the New Jersey Devils. I didn’t know I knew him, or his position, or that he was Canadian, yet my subconscious did (I’m not 100% on whether I knew he was a Devil, but I want to say he was wearing their color scheme). In double-checking my brain, some tidbits I learned about him:
He’s played for the New Jersey Devils his entire NHL career. (I like franchise guys, and the NHL is full of them.)
He’s three shutouts short of breaking Detroit Red Wing Terry Sawchuck’s record of 103 games. (FYI – Sawchuck’s mask was the basis for Jason’s mask in Friday the 13th.)
He holds the second place record (behind Patrick Roy) for the most wins, which he’ll inevitably pass provided he stays healthy.
He holds the record for the most wins in a regular season (48, in 2006-7).
He’s the only NHL goalie to score a game winning goal.
There are many more. And I might have to add that I could be a fan now. What? Don’t look at me like that. I’m not saying I like him better than my beloved Red Wings… well, maybe Chris Osgood if he doesn’t start picking up.
DREAM SCENARIO TWO
I was eating at a McDonald’s (like I often do?) when a commotion started at the register. The friends with me initially ignored it, but when the buzz of excitement started spreading, people were rushing to the front counter. I overheard a girl say, “The stars of Top Gun are here doing a promotion!” So the group I was with got mixed up in the glee and followed. I distinctly remember not even thinking Tom Cruise would be there. I knew it would be Iceman (Val Kilmer) and Goose (Anthony Edwards). Turned out the rumors were wrong. Instead of getting this duo:
I got this duo:
Except they looked like this:
Of course, everyone was excited to see George Clooney, and under normal circumstances I would have been, too. But Anthony Edwards? How often is he out in public? This was my chance to pitch a script in which he would have the starring role. The script entitled “Continuum” was based on a dream I once had that featured Anthony Edwards (how meta). I told it to him while Clooney took orders from dining room patrons, but I figured he was listening to our conversation and would possibly produce/direct the film. The only catch – the script wasn’t written. Edwards would be in town for two more days, so I’d have to write it in that time. That’s when Clooney chimed in, “It could be the greatest script of all time… or the crappiest.” (I knew he was eavesdropping!)
And that was that. To sum up: Martin Brodeur cleaned my house for five bucks, and I had two days to write a script for Anthony Edwards to star in. I have no idea what any of that means.
About a month ago, when I realized I had become a drive-thru regular at Taco Bell, I created a post that gave a few ideas to entrepreneurs for new restaurant chains (Kabob Stop, Dim Sum Gong, Pierogi To Go, and Taka Sushi).
After having some time to think, and after getting sick of my same old options (Wendy’s, KFC, Arby’s, the aforementioned Bell, Culver’s, Burger King, Quizno’s, Jimmy Johns, Potbelly, Qdoba, National Coney Island, Kerby Coney Island, CiCi’s, A&W, Mickey D’s, and Hungry Howies), I’m really craving a change.
They tried putting in a Del Taco nearby my work (ugh) and the nearest Sonic is still a good 40 miles away.
What I think is missing (besides the places I created) is a fast food Italian cuisine. Fazoli’s was the closest thing we had to that, and although it wasn’t the absolute greatest, it worked. Too bad they shut ’em all down in Michigan.
If anyone wants to take me up on my ideas, go for the Polish one first. I probably won’t eat at the other places anyway.