InASense, Lost… Kids Movies, Now And Then

Over the holidays, my buddy/boss Paul was kind enough to inform me of how terrible Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked happened to be (it was his children’s choice… at least I believe it was).  I told him “thanks” and “I figured.”  But it got me thinking… they sure don’t make kids movies like they made when I was a kid anymore.

In fact, there’s practically no way they would make the movies I grew up with, and here’s a few plus the reasons why:

The Last Starfighter (1984)

THE PREMISE: Kid in a trailer park plays an arcade game so well he gets recruited to be an intergalactic war hero.

THE STOPPER: Justifies kids playing video games.

Sure, arcades don’t exist anymore, so there’s that.  Besides, this idea has already been tackled in more adult fare, such as Barry Levinson’s Toys and the sci-fi flop, Gamer.  There is no talk of a remake, but there was a 2004 off-Broadway musical based on it…

The Monster Squad (1987)

THE PREMISE: A group of kids battle the classic movie monsters like Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolfman, The Mummy, and The Creature from the Black Lagoon.

THE STOPPERS: Talk about virgins (and sex “not counting”) and wolfman nards.

Sure, kids these days are way more hyper-sexual in their text messages than the language in this film, but would parents complain?  Someone would complain.  There’s talk of a remake, but it’s supposedly going to be about more current monsters, like Freddy Kruger or the Predator.

The Goonies (1985)

THE PREMISE: A group of kids seek out a pirate’s treasure to save their town.

THE STOPPERS: Racism, Sloth, and gluing penises upside-down.

Sure, you may get Samwise Gamgee out of this movie one day, but you also get Jonah Hex.  (And Corey Feldman.)  They’ve been talking about a sequel to this longer than an Arrested Development film, and we all know how that’s going… they’re making it!

Cloak & Dagger (1984)

THE PREMISE: A kid finds a video game cartridge containing information that could get him killed, so he runs for his life with the help of an imaginary friend.

THE STOPPER: The kid kills a bad guy.

Sure, it has that whole “video game could get you killed” angle, but the kid really shoots someone!  Cross my Atari!  And so far, no sequel, prequel, remake, or reboot talk at all… even though this was pretty much a remake.

Big Shots (1987)

THE PREMISE: Two kids are chased by bad guys because they stole a car with a dead body in its trunk!

THE STOPPER: The premise!

Sure, this was marketed as a kid movie, but we didn’t know better at that time.  It was written by screenwriter Joe Eszterhas… you know, the guy that scripted Flashdance, Basic Instinct, and Showgirls.  There isn’t even a DVD release planned for this flick.

InASense, Lost… I-Dosing, Or “What’s Wrong With Kids These Days?”

Chances are pretty good that you haven’t heard of i-Dosing.  If you have, chances are better that you haven’t tried it.

Essentially, it amounts to numbskulls listening to this strange series of sounds (in most cases, the kids play Gates of Hades on their headphones).  By covering your eyes and hearing this track, the kids believe they’re experiencing a high similar to using cocaine or ecstasy.

Here’s a sample of a dipshit i-Dosing:

I planned on posting the actual noises produced during the course of Gates of Hades, but it was removed from YouTube and now sells on their actual website for $199.95… just like an actual pusher – at first it was free, but now you gotta pay.

In reality, it’s caused by playing binaural beats.  You can read about it here.  But if I know you – and I think I do – you’d rather watch a video about it hear here:

(SIDENOTE: Ha ha… you still had to read!)

InASense, Lost… Did You Know These Were Naughty Band Names?

Musicians can be dirty people.  Everybody knows that.  (There’s an infamous story about how Kenny G once double-dipped his chip at a party… that’s where Seinfeld got the idea from.)

But did you know that they’re band names can be just as dirty?  (You don’t want to know what Yo-Yo Ma really means.)

Here are some visual “representations” of what certain band names (you’ve heard of) mean:

MALE THINGS

One-Eyed Willy from The Goonies is a likely euphemism for PENIS... never thought about it before, didja? Oh, you did? Pardon me.

Finger Eleven
Sex Pistols
Tool
Whitesnake

(SIDENOTE: I highly regret starting this post.)

10cc
Pearl Jam

FEMALE THINGS

This couch has a (insert euphemism for VAGINA).

Hole

SEX TOYS

What else can I say?

Steely Dan

This is one of the scariest things I've ever posted. Yet...

Goo Goo Dolls

SEX GAMES/POSITIONS

Connect the dots...

Scissor Sisters

Connect the dots further...

Limp Bizkit

InASense, Lost… Create A Character Contest Strikes Back!

In 1985, this happened:

This was from the back of the funny pages, and it was serious.

So I decided to enter the contest, and at age ten, I created these characters:

I entered all of the above except for CARRYVAN, and the one I didn't even like called PUPPY HOG.

For entering so many characters (I guess), I won this playset:

My mom offered to take it back to the store to get something else. I refused. I played with it once.

These ended up being the finalists:

What the fuck?

Fearless Photog won the vote, but no toy was ever made.  At this year’s San Diego Comic-Con, it was announced that there would finally be a toy:

You're still kidding me, right?

But there was one bit of satisfaction I was always able to maintain.  Mattel ripped off my Elephantom!

They gave him a robot head and dubbed him Snout Spout.

But now, there’s this:

Victory will be mine!

I will keep you posted on my final entries.  Yes, there will be many.

————————————————————————————————————-

In case you were interested, here are each of the character’s write ups as they were when I was ten:

C.A.R.’s a small, weak wimp that can be Crushed And Restored. But every time he’s crushed by Evil, he gets mad, and when he gets mad, he gets bigger and stronger and wants revenge.  Only He-Man can talk him out of this vengeance he want.  But every time he’s crushed by Good, he gets courageous.

I guess I didn’t like that idea.  Why would good guys crush him?

When Ill-Yusion sways his hands illusions appear.  Anything he thinks of at the time will become an illusion.  Also, he is always ill.  So anytime he coughs or sneezes, an illusion will appear or disappear.

He was always ill?  Who saw that coming?

Ticklon has four arms.  The two upper arms tickle a victim and the two lower arms grab the weapons.  So there is no need for a weapon of his own with arms like this.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Kangaruin (then named Kangaroo Man) has a pouch to keep things hidden.  Can jump to the length of 50 feet and can jump as high as 20 feet.  His hands and feet are very powerful.  He can punch or kick through any solid material.

Liquid materials, forget it.

Walrusaur (then named Walrus Man) has stun rays in his teeth. His teeth can also eat through 3/5 of any material except lime stone, like the walls of Castle Grayskull.  His flipper hands and feet make him a good swimmer (and slapper).

There should have been more slapping in He-Man cartoons.

Elephantom – The ghostly elephant whose trunk can stretch miles until the enemy’s caught. Weighs nothing with unbelievable strength.

Snout Spout was only shown in the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special, and some She-Ra episodes, although I never saw those.

She-Yuld – Her shields create invisible force fields that keeps gathering around.  Once finished, ricochets anything that hits them.  Her shields have magnetic forces under them, too.

I don’t get what any of that means.

Clustor (Tartor, Ropego, and Gluestick together) – Tartor alone shakes his leg and gooky tar flies; Ropego alone has a rope arm and buzzsaw spurs on his heels; Gluestick alone spits glue from his mouth.  Together as Clustor they are stronger than ever: streams of glue from the mouth, a more controllable rope arm, and buckets of tar from the legs of Clustor.

Gluestick was the best I could come up with?

InASense, Lost… The Scarlett Test

I am curious.

That’s the name of two Swedish films from the 60’s (Blue and Yellow were their distinctions), and they were controversial for being sexual and frank about being sexual.

This post is going to be kind of like that.  As you may or may not have heard, nude pictures of Scarlett Johansson have leaked onto the TripleDoubleU, and I’m going to share them here… embedded of course.

I am curious how many hits this post will get.  I will keep you posted in the comments.

Picture 1Picture 2

This photo is here because it was the next best thing:

Cool socks.

(via)

InASense, Lost… Push, Push, Pushing The Envelope

I recently found out there once was quite a bit of some controversy over the cover of one of my favorite comics as a kid.

It was Issue #48 of ALF (yes, he had his own comic, and yes again, 48 issues equal four years)…

Here’s the cover:

No problem.

People took issue (“Ha! I kill me!”) with it because it appears that good ol’ ALF is having his way with the seal.

So for comparison, this ALF incident happened in 1991.

A way more controversial thing happened in 1986, in Issue #9 of Miracleman:

Innocent enough, right?

Well, I’m not going to post what happens inside this issue.  You’ll just have to click here if curiosity has gotten the best of you.  It’s not bad, but it’s certainly graphic, and definitely NSFW or comics.

I have not much else to say due to shock.  And surprisingly, the shock isn’t from an alien fucking a seal…

(via)

InASense, Lost… Ya Done Goofed Again!

I’ve already written about the poorly named Magic Bullet once before (or at least I insinuated about its terrible shared moniker), but with the company’s latest product, they botched the name game again:

Why would you put those two words anywhere near each other?

They could have called it the Baby Blender… no that doesn’t work.

How about the Regurgitator?  (Now we’re getting close.)

Got it – the Home Baby Food Maker.

InASense, Lost… This Frightens Me To The (Quad) Core

I found this a couple of days ago when I was looking for a good picture of Leela from Futurama for this post.

— I have since been unable to shake the image from my head. —

It haunts my every waking hour, especially when I’m in front of a PC, because I’m in front of a PC every waking hour!

Not to mention, there were far worse pictures under Google for “Leela Futurama” if SafeSearch is turned off, but those images remained fleeting (probably because of desensitization).

I want to know what kind of person it takes to make a computer like this.

Scratch that.  I never want to know.

For those of you visiting the home page of this blog, I’m sparing you the image by placing it after the jump.  For those finding this post via Twitter or Facebook – I’m sorry. Read More

InASense, Lost… Johnny 5? More Like Johnny Zero…

Back when Short Circuit 2 was released on VHS circa 1989, I had a vision.  As the movie ended, and Johnny 5 jumped for joy at becoming an American citizen (this did happen), I paused it.  I ran to my bedroom closet and dug out my Lego’s.  And I built.

For quite some time, this has been my pride and joy (it made my Fact Sheet for sheet’s sake)… a (non-gold plated) Johnny 5 replica:

I felt alive!

But now… now I’ve seen this:

I feel... lowly...

(more pics here)

Should I feel bad?

I was fourteen at the time, and I always planned on returning to the project.  I wanted to coordinate the colors better; I wanted to draw out the details to replicate the model; I was beginning to write a program in BASIC that would help me document those details.

So yes, I should feel bad.  All the coolest things I’ve done in my life were when I was a kid.  Before I drank beer.  This blog should be proof of that.  I think I’m going to go to bed now.  Perhaps I’ll have a bit of beer beforehand…

InASense, Lost… I Thought These Were Bad Ads, But Then…

I saw this ad come up on my iPhone when I was looking for… something…

It's a Mexican bread company. They should know bimbo.

And I thought it was bad, until I was told about this ad:

This ad is being accused of a lot of things...

But then this… this… slide happened in Poland…

(SIDENOTE: I really like the version of Bohemian Rhapsody used in the background…)