Harrison Fucking Ford. It’s his middle name, really. (No, not really. He has none. He did go by Harrison J. Ford early in his career as not to be confused with the silent film actor of the same name, but I digress.)
Back in the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and, um, just 2000, Ol’ Harry was at the top of his game (for the most part). Not only did he bring us the above two scoundrels with their hearts of gold (each for three movies, since there is no Crystal Skull, just as there are no prequels), he also brought us:
- a cowboy in a roadster (American Graffiti)
- a cowboy in a temple (The Frisco Kid)
- a detective in a strange land – the future (Blade Runner)
- a detective in a strange land – Amish country (Witness)
- a doctor chasing after terrorists who kidnapped his wife (Frantic)
- a doctor chasing a one-armed man who murdered his wife (The Fugitive)
- a doctor chasing his wife to murder her (What Lies Beneath)
- a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Presumed Innocent)
- a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Regarding Henry)
- a business man with love problems (Working Girl)
- a business man with love problems (Sabrina)
- a cop that shares his home (The Devil’s Own)
- a cop that sells homes (Hollywood Homicide)
- a politician having a problem before a plane crash (Air Force One)
- a politician’s aide having a problem after a plane crash (Random Hearts)
- a father in the jungle (The Mosquito Coast)
- a pilot in the jungle (Six Days Seven Night)
- a soldier during the Vietnam War (Apocalypse Now)
- a soldier during the Cold War (K-19: The Widowmaker)
- Jack Ryan (Patriot Games)
- Jack Ryan (Clear and Present Danger)
- a flop (Firewall)
- a flop (Crossing Over)
Whew. That was easy.
Anywookiee, there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Despite the missteps in the late 90’s (Sabrina, The Devil’s Own, Six Days Seven Night), he had a good run. What changed, you might ask. I might say:
Sixty-five-year-old Harrison Ford met Calista Flockhart, 44, in 2002, when she reportedly spilled wine on him at the Golden Globes. The pair immediately started dating and have been together ever since. (via iVillage)
A-ha! Calista Fucking Flockhart happened! So if Harrison Ford wants to get back to creating iconic characters, he needs to say sayonara to Ally McBeal. I know they’re engaged and he co-adopted her adopted son, but it’s never too late to get out of it…
Harry – remember how much divorce costs? $85,000,000 ring any bells? (Notice the date of this article announcing his break from Melissa Mathison.) Don’t you see what a mistake K-19: The Widowmaker that ridiculous Russian non-accent leaving the beloved screenwriter of E.T. did to your film career?! Here’s to hoping you lose those diamond earrings and that “television star,” and you’ll return to save the Star Wars series in Episodes 7, 8, and 9!!!1! You can even have Han Solo die in 8 and skip 9 if you’d like! Whatever it takes! Be daring like Indy used to be!
Stop this from ever happening again:
I had several idols growing up…
- From the Detroit Tigers, there were Champ Summers and Lance Parrish
- From the movies, there were Luke Skywalker and Han Solo Indiana Jones
- And from TV, there were Alex P. Keaton, Mike Seaver, and Zack Morris
Because of my heroes from the Tigers, I’ve always felt at home in the outfield or behind home plate. Because of Luke and Indy, I learned to stand up for what’s right, and still do, whether if it’s my friends (and the galaxy far, far away) that are in trouble or if there’s an artifact that belongs in a museum.
But with TV – that glorious, nuturing glass nipple – I’m not sure if everything’s the same.
I was a Conservative Republican in my youth because of Marty McFly Alex P. Keaton. Not only was President Reagan keeping us “safe” from global nuclear disaster, Michael J. Fox’s character on Family Ties knew a thing or two about money… and what kid doesn’t like money? Since then, I’ve become more of a political moderate, and money is not the end all I thought it once was (I can get candy and toys whenever I want, you see).
While I looked up to Mike Seaver, I never got into The Boss or harassed either of my sisters into anorexia like he did. I’m not sure what I admired him for except for his confidence (and his MILF… and his WILF), but it sure as hell wasn’t his beliefs…
When it comes to Zack Morris, it’s a little bit different, though. We were both in high school at the same time. He was a likable kid that couldn’t quite get the cool and pretty Kelly Kapowski. I was going through the same thing in my mind life with a girl I had a crush on.
But how is he different from Ferris Bueller or Parker Lewis, one might ask? My response: he was believable. Zack Morris, even with his time-outs and asides, seemed like a kid you could know, and the credit for that goes to Mark-Paul Gosselaar. That’s why whenever he gets more chances to move on in his career, I applaud him, like when he was in NYPD Blue or in Raising the Bar, or last night on…
On last night’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (btw… can’t wait for Conan’s return June 1st!), Scrubs’ Donald Faison stopped by to promote his new film, Next Day Air, but who cares about that! He has an even better idea for a new movie…
Via Star Wars Blog:
It’d be The Chronicles of Lando Calrissian starring Donald Faison. I’d be Lando. And it would be before he lost the Millennium Falcon to Han Soloin that Sabacc game. And we would be cruising across the galaxy in the Falcon gettin’ chicks, drinking ale. And the hair would be phenomenal! I’d have to wear a wig or what we could do is just shave my head for back in the day when Lando used to shave his head. He’d have a whole new crew. It would be before Episode IV. So Episode 3.5 or 3.6.
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BONUS STAR WARS NERDINESS: I thought of this idea a day or so ago for some reason… thank Jedis somebody else already made it, because I’m far too lazy. I only wish it was made to Alien Ant Farm’s version of Smooth Criminal rather than Michael Jackson’s, as the original runs a little long, but hey… M’Beg’gers can’t be Chewies.
The always awesome nerdfest that is Topless Robot has produced the top 5 reasons why Luke Skywalker is an idiot. One major highlight from the list – Luke explaining his Rube Goldberg-esque plan on how to free Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt:
Luke: “Okay so, first we get Lando Calrissian posing as a guard inside Jabba’s Palace.”
You: “How do we do that?”
Luke: “We just get him a costume and he—just walks in.”
You: “Um, okay, say it’s that easy. So then Lando gets Han out of the carbonite and we pick them up and get away?”
Luke: “No. What happens next is that I put my lightsaber in a hidden compartment in R2-D2 and send R2-D2 and C3PO to Jabba the Hutt as gifts.”
You: “Wait, why-“
Luke: “Just listen. Next we have Leia pose as a bounty hunter arriving at Jabba’s palace with Chewbacca captured. She’s going to hand over Chewbacca to Jabba.”
You: “Wait, why? Wouldn’t that mean we would now have to rescue Han Solo, Chewbacca, R2-D2 and C3PO? That just makes it more difficult, right?”
Luke: “Just go with me here. Next, Leia is going to sneak around at night and get Han Solo out of the carbonite, but get captured.”
You: “What? Why would we get everyone captured like that?”
Luke: “Now I’ll show up, use my Force powers to get in to Jabba’s fortress, get past the guards to an audience before Jabba and then use my Jedi mind trick to get Jabba to release everyone. If that doesn’t work, then I’ll get captured.”
You: “Okay, if you can just use your Force powers to get in to the palace and all the way to Jabba, then let’s just have you go in right now and get Han out.”
Luke: “No, that’s stupid. I’m going to get myself captured. Because then you see, we’ll be taken to the sarlacc pit and then, when we’re on the skiff, I’ll get sent out first and then R2-D2 will manage to get to the top of Jabba’s sail barge and shoot out my lightsaber, and then with Lando’s help, we’ll just—rescue everyone and then everything will be fine!”
You: “That is the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard of.”
Luke:“I’ve thought of everything.”
You: “Clearly you didn’t.”
Full list here.