g.i. joe | monkeyBLOG monkeyDO

InASense, Lost… Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken

Posted on November 7, 2009 by sgottahurt

This product was announced last week, and although it doesn’t make me feel as weak as Fetish Tots did, it still borders “What-the-Fuck-is-Mattel-Thinking?” Ville, therefore still rendering me InASense, Lost.

The “toy” goes bi by this official name: Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken. They might have well placed the word Super in there, too.

The dog's name is Sugar, and Ken is his "daddy"... none of this is helping...

Mattel claims that it’s a part of their adult toy line, which I 100% believe. And it’s not like the neutered doll was ever a hero of mine, like how G.I. Joe’s Shipwreck or Star Wars’ (duh) Luke Skywalker were (pictured below).

A Real American Hetero!

It's not a bath in the "traditional" sense...

But this fact remains: it gives me the Malibu Dream Heebie Jeebies. The last time I felt this weird and twisted inside because of a toy was when I learned that Dr. Claw (the unseen bad guy in Inspector Gadget) looked like this:

Come to think of it, he had MAD Cat as a pet, so he was MAD Car's "daddy". And his hair looks fabulous... Perhaps Ken could give him a ring sometime? Perhaps.

Drunken Recollection… What I Can Remember About Camping This Summer

Posted on October 1, 2009 by sgottahurt

Don't worry. This happened during squirrel season.

With summer finally over, it’s time for me to drunken recollect some of my camping highlights. Outside of drinking, eating, being in the water, being on the pontoon, drinking, eating, sitting by the campfire, beach volleyball, drinking, eating, and peeing in the water, this is all I can remember:

1) A squirrel fell out of a tree.
It happened in front of a few of my family members as they were walking. When they reached to check on the immobile rodent, it sprung back to consciousness and took off.

2) Some cyclist had this shirt on, as well as a bushy beard:

A Whopper of a beard, in fact...

3) There was a plan to tie me to a chair if I passed out drunk.
It didn’t happen on the earlier summer trip, but it did happen. At least the dumping me in the lake didn’t.

4) I pulled a boat via a rope in my teeth.
There is a picture out there I do not possess. I do remember my jawline aching, though.

5) There was a strange song playing on the iPod we took out to the sandbar.
Turned out it was from the film, Music and Lyrics. Here it is for your, um, pleasure?

6) In closing…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Drumdog Millionaire – CollegeHumor video“, posted with vodpod

JusWondering… Will These Movies Ever See The Light Of Day?

Posted on September 14, 2009 by sgottahurt

It was just announced last week the Masters of the Universe movie was cancelled, and although the version in the works sounded craptastic, it pains me a bit to know that a live action version is further away. But given the track record with cartoons about toys being given their due on the silver screen, I think a lot of those dues haven’t been paid, nor will they. Sure, in ten years Transformers or G.I. Joe may or may not get rebooted, but will I care? (Odds are yes. Because technically, this MOTU a reboot, and I do care.)

I apologize for the fact that I posted this video almost a year ago, but it’s too awesome and helpful in imagining what a He-Man movie could be like:

And how bad ass would this Thundercats movie be:

Plus, with the fate of the third Batman film from director Christopher Nolan up in the air, does this whet your appetite?

I'm not drooling, am I?

Finally, and this is definitely off-topic but in line with the post’s title, has anyone ever seen this movie?

The secret of his suck-cess

Drunken Recollection… Sports Cars, Semis, And Use Of The Word “Better”

Posted on August 22, 2009 by sgottahurt

It was the best of Miller Lites; it was the worst of Miller Lites. In other words, drinking with friends has its good days; drinking with friends has its bad days. Here are the examples…

BEST

My good ol’ buddy Jay and I were discussing the state of the world one day, when he begin trying out some new philosophy he was developing. I don’t quite remember the details as he worked through them, but my translation of what he was trying to say was this:

Women are sports cars and men are semi rigs. Men prefer their women to be a two-seater, i.e. they’ve only been with one guy – that guy. Men, as trucks, are also two-seaters, but if they have an extensive history in their trailer, it shouldn’t be a surprise to their lady friend.

There was some part about women being minivans and another deal about a bunch of guys hanging off of a sports car, but that’s the gist of it. Do I get it? Do I agree? Only if I get to be a helicopter.

Men are from Mars, Women are from "Cars"

WORST

It’s hard to get my goat but Jay got my goat good. All I know is that the discussion slipped into an argument (a one-sided argument most likely) about there being more than one way to use the word “better.”

My stance:

There’s a “better” that expresses an opinion, and there’s a “better” that expresses fact.

Opinion “better” – G.I. Joe is a better movie than Transformers 2.
Fact “better” – Water is better to drink than oil.

A Freudian Psychologist's Dream Dream a.k.a. The Baroness Can-Can

Until the next brewsing…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Toy Commercials

Posted on August 17, 2009 by sgottahurt

From shitty to shittier indeed...

Let’s face facts… kids are dumb. I don’t mean the concept of them (entirely), but they’re suckers. Hell, we were just as gullible in our youth.

But back in the day, marketing firms fostered (word choice!) our imagination when they sold to us, and look at the consumers we’ve become today.

Here’s a commercial for an 80’s toy probably no one remembers called Army Ants. The promo was eventually pulled from the airwaves due to the fact the toys moved by themselves (and since kids are dumb they might think they’re alive… oh no!) Remember, this took place before warnings were placed on coffee to remind people that coffee is fucking hot, so the idea of putting a notice on the bottom of the screen never crossed anyone’s mind.

Now here’s a commercial for the toyline based on the new G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie:

Where’s the fun in that commercial? I smell no sense of adventure. I envision no afternoon of making those vehicle crash into each other. It’s all tell, and no show! Sure, there’s hints of scenes from the movie, but where’s the poking other bugs in the squishy and squashy guts, whether I have to make them do it or they do it to themselves (since they’re alive, you see).

To be fair, they are completelysort of different toylines, so I’ll draw upon an old G.I. Joe toy commercial for apples to Apple Paltrow Martin‘s sake:

Fucking Refrigerator Perry?! Seriously, a Chicago Bear is on G.I. Joe, and he kicks major Cobra ass?! And I can call him and get in on the action with only four certificates (and a 50 cent phone call plus $1 handling charge)?!

See the difference?

SIDENOTE: I recently won a chance for a free haircut at a salon that panders to men and, to be honest, that I don’t quite frankly trust, but I went anyway. (It was free…) Upon leaving and realizing it wasn’t a complete hack job, I tipped the stylist $2 and $1 in quarters. It was all I had. She made a face, and I left. Haircuts are normally $16, so I don’t know if she expected $5 or more on a FREE haircut, but it did make me wonder… what can you buy for $3 nowadays? Cigarettes? No. A beer at the bar? No. Two 20 oz. bottle of Mtn. Dew? Sometimes. Seeing that I could have got Refrigerator Perry for $1.50 really got me thinking…

In My Brain While Sleeping… So Long, Tiny Zebra And Tiny Cougar, I Will Miss You

Posted on June 5, 2009 by sgottahurt

I don’t know of any better way to convey this oddity of a dream that stuck with me. So here it is chronologically. Now with 100% more pictures!

I started off on a cruise ship that went to an island (of course), and I took a helicopter out to sea.

Dramatization (not an actual plier-mouthed porpoise)

And because I was afraid of heights (from being in the helicopter), I jumped into ocean, hitched on ride on tandem jet ski, and saw huge porpoises with wrench-like teeth and giant dolphins leaping over row boats and other jet skis.

Once I reached dry land found, I found a tiny zebra and a tiny cougar (both were pocket-sized).

I carried them around we me (in my pockets, natch) until I witnessed a tsunami coming ashore from opposite directions.

Then it suddenly turned into “real life” and I was at one of my company’s clients that sells medical equipment. I gave my tiny zebra and my tiny cougar to their employees, so they could be cared for.

I ended up finding out that the medical supplier had started manufacturing meat products out of zebras and cougars in general, so I narc’d reported them to the authorities.

I thought they were marketing the meat as ‘hamburger,’ but in fact, they were selling it as ‘wild game’ to a restaurant near my office.

INGREDIENTS: Jellybean Nerds and Mountain Dew

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Movie About Young Lesbians In Love And Kurt Russell And Goldie Hawn

Posted on May 2, 2009 by sgottahurt

Hawn-Russell is not a character from Star Wars, Pete! I told you so!

With a post title like that, you might start to wonder why my lead picture is Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. Allow me to explain…

Last night, I had a dream about a movie starring these two entitled The Organization of L. What the title referred to, I can only assume, is some subconscious reference to The L Word, due to the story of the “movie.”

SIDENOTE: I was contemplating not posting this as not to give anyone any ideas, but then I realized, “Hey, I don’t have anything else to post today. Plus, I just thought of a funny way to end it.”

The “story” was this: Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn lived in neighboring brownstones in some major city. Goldie was a progressive-thinking mother. For example, she let her son – nay, encouraged him – to play with Barbie dolls as well as well as his G.I. Joe’s. Her college age daughter was a philosopher and a dreamer… and she has been dating Kurt’s college age daughter through most of the past school year.

Kurt, on the other hand (yet in a similar way), raised his daughter as major league sports enthusiast and a tomboy, having no other children since his wife passed away. They’re best friends, and he doesn’t want any boy to ever take her away.

Flash forward to summer break. Both daughters are back home for the summer, and one night, while Goldie’s daughter stays the night at Kurt’s house, Kurt’s daughter proposes.

Goldie’s delighted; Kurt’s confused. Hilarity, sentimentality, and maturity ensue!

I mean, it’s not like the subject of gay marriage is timely or anything? (Miss California’s scandalous topless pic here.)

A real boob (job)

And it’s not like anyone’s interested in the heartaches and heart warmings between two college-age lesbians, right?

All right Pete... I'll give you that. SamRo and LiLo sound like characters' names in Star Wars.

INGREDIENTS: Two glasses of organic milk, which after drinking, made me feel oddly drunk.

25 Years Of WrestleMania AKA “WWE” = “What Wrestling Emitted” (Wait, That Sounds Bad)

Posted on April 4, 2009 by sgottahurt

I’d never proclaim to be a huge fan of wrestling. Even back before the World Wildlife Fund made them change their name, I wasn’t too into any of the WrestleManias or the Sunday matches. A few of my friends were, though, so the WWE superstars of the day blipped my pop culture radar. And a little cartoon BITD (“back in the day”) also helped:

But since this Sunday (tomorrow) is WrestleMania XXV, I’m going to post the best things I ever think came out of the WWF WWE… BITD, of course.

5) “Macho Man” Randy Savage sure did love him some Slim Jims. Why it’s relevant to me? On a trip to Houston, Texas, there was one day I devoted to eating only Slim Jims and pickles, and drinking MGD. The next day I devoted to the hotel bathroom.

4) Andre the Giant was in The Princess Bride. Why it’s relevant to me? I always thought he seemed like a nice guy, and the movie helped confirm that (if I remember correctly). Man, I haven’t seen that movie in a long time. All I truly remember is the scene where Wesley and the “Inconceivable!” guy keep switching poisoned glasses. And Inigo Montoya, of course.

3) Sargent Slaughter was a G.I. Joe toy and on the cartoon! Why it’s relevant to me? He was on the cartoon! (I wasn’t allowed to collect G.I. Joe because they were too much like Star Wars, according to my mom.)

2) Rowdy Roddy Piper was in John Carpenter’s They Live. Why it’s relevant to me? Just watch this clip and tell me it’s not relevant to you.

1) Hulk Hogan was a Real American. Why it’s relevant to me? Um, Hulk Hogan plays on an electric guitar painted like the American flag standing in front of an American flag like he’s motherfucking General Patton just before a scene of a building being demolished. That’s just the first 30 seconds! And it only gets better, I promise you…

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… A Listing Of Lists

Posted on March 24, 2009 by sgottahurt

While Paul’s out of the office and off dreaming up new lists on vacation, I thought I would play catch up. We’ve been too busy at work (and I’m not posting my boss’ lists while I’m playing at home), so since I have a slight chance to breathe today, here we go:

Top 5 Professional Sports Moments [Ed. – Local anyway, and without further explanation]

1.) 1997 Red Wings Stanley Cup Champs

2.) 1997 Michigan Football NCAA Champs

3.) 1989 Michigan Basketball NCAA Champs

4.) 1984 Detroit Tigers World Series Champs

5.) 2008 Detroit Lions fire Matt Millen

[Ed. – Oh yeah. Guess where Paul went to college…]

Top Five 80’s Cartoon Theme Songs [Ed. – With explanations and video!]

1.) G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero – “He’ll fight for freedom wherever there’s trouble…” (This should replace the Star Spangled Banner.)

2.) Transformers – “More than meets the eye…” (Song seemed to be ahead of it’s time.)

3.) The Wuzzles – “Two types of fun, wrapped up and rolled… into one!” (What could be better?)

4.) M.A.S.K. – “Masked crusaders, working overtime, fighting crime.” (Song passes the time test.) [Ed. – I had to twist his arm to get this included – it’s my favorite.]

5.) Silverhawks – “Partly metal, partly real.” (Very underated show. Plus, it has a sweet guitar solo.)

Top Five Stores That No Longer Exist (Now in Reverse Order) [Ed. – My favorite list so far.]

5.) The Old Ballpark – Every baseball card collector’s favorite store located in Livonia. If you wanted mint rookie cards of Alan Trammell or Lou Whitaker, this place had ’em.

4.) Great Scott, A&P, Farmer Jack (all lumped in together) – I do have the fondest memories of Great Scott, as it was our old school place to buy groceries. [Ed. – “Old school,” as in O.G. boyee!]

3.) Highland Appliance – “50 watts per channel babycake!” Oh, the memories of buying our first 27″ color tv and our first camcorder, which was VHS-C.

2.) Babbage’s (honorable mention goes to Egghead Software) – I remember browsing the shelves of hundreds of games for my 286 PC at Fairlane Mall.

1.) Children’s Palace – Heaven on Earth to all of us kids who grew up in the 80’s. Enough said. [Ed. – Also, my first job.]

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Rise Of Cobra (Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter)

Posted on March 21, 2009 by sgottahurt

In one of my dreams last night, I watched/participated in the new G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie.

It began rather inoccuously, meaning it didn’t seem at all like G.I. Joe. There was a compound and the team was being built. It was comprised of a bunch of your movie stereotypes (which I won’t go into because it doesn’t bode well for my subconscious). I remember a moment where a group of us were in a steel-decor room and cardboard boxes full of ammo rested on the center table. The captain or general or secretary (I don’t recall) said “Go!” and everyone lunged for the weapons like they were candy, stuffing grenades, guns, and dynamite in their pockets.

I wore a jacket comparable to this one (based on my real-life coat, also from American Eagle):

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

I also think that the compound was somehow connected to a resort, like in the old episodes of Get Smart. The reason I bring this up is because at one point, after a member of my team falls through a concealed trap door, in searching for him, we fall through a similar hinged entrance.

We end up trapped with our fallen friend in a room on the resort side. The windows are shatter-proof and there are no doors. We can’t escape. Then through the windows, we see a couple that I apparently met earlier. They open the window from a latch outside, but they won’t let us out unless we can name who’s singing the song coming from their bedroom TV next door.

Right away, I know who it is: Shania Twain, and she’s doing a duet with Eurotrash superstar (?) Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw… (I don’t know exactly – it was some weird dream name).

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

The couple let us out, and I ran to the TV because it was one of my favorite videos. This guy was singing the duet with Shania:

: Actor: Peter Stormare!

Anyyojoe… my team ends up getting shipped out to do battle with Cobra, and it’s at this point that I realize I watching/participating in the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie and I’m pissed! It took this long to get to any battles?!

There was a car chase that lead to a field with way too many chain link fences. Bullets! Bombs! Explosions!

I was about to get captured/killed when I realized I had one of those hypersuits (whatever the fuck they’re wearing in this preview), and I started leaping and hopping about, between crater blasts and flimsy fences. Something trips me and I land at the feet of a guy dressed like this:

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

As I struggle to get to my feet, he removes his mask, and lo! Who is it?

Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw…

I walked out of the movie/woke up because I thought it was stupid.

INGREDIENTS: Working 13 hours (and until 1am), 2 Cheesy Double Beef Burritos, 1 24oz. bottle of none other than Mt. Dew

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around: