In My Brain While Sleeping… You’re Looking At The Creator Of “Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante”

I’ve been on a bit of a drought in regard to dreams lately.  I’ve had a few false starts, such as:

  • A dream about a movie starring The Two Coreys (Haim and Feldman, back in the day in their prime) and they were trying to get their parents to marry each other à la the Parent Trap.
  • A dream where I went on a Muppet hunting safari but didn’t know it.
  • A dream where I realized how funny it is to put “The” in front of various subjects, like The Fonz, The Hamburger, The State, and The Sex.

But last night, I had a vision about a vision like no other… I had inadvertently developed a new art form dubbed:

Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante

Okay, I’ll admit that I don’t know Spanish, and I don’t exactly remember the hack job that went on in my subconscious (although it was kinda close to the above Babel Fish translation), but for you gringos it means:

Shiny Mexican Optical Illusion

Turned out I wasn’t the one that originated the name.  There once was a Mexican artist/philosopher that initially proposed the possibility of what I accomplished.  His theory:

Two images can be created on top of each other.  One will be visible in reflective light, and one will be visible in non-reflective light. – a Mexican artist/philosopher

So in some alcoholic stupor reeking of brilliance, I drew a picture that looked like this in “reflective light” (whatever that means):

yellowcar

And in “non-reflective light” (again, whatever that means), the artwork looked like this:

3dmap

I drew it as a doodle.  A throw away scribble on crinkled scrap paper.  But someone – the right someone – saw it, and heralded me as a mathematical genius for pulling off the Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante manually. 

In fact, it was a forgotten art theory, and I was thrust into the limelight, not unlike Andy Warhol.  My fifteen minutes were beginning after my scribble was purchased  for $500,000 by an unknown collector.  Duplicates of my work were sold in bulk at mall stores built just for my Shiny Mexican Optical Illusion.  The hype was similar to the interest over those pictures you stared at to see sunken treasure ships and sharks.

But I couldn’t live up to the expectations and failed to duplicate my success.  14:58, 14:59, 15:00 minutes hit, and I woke up.

Here’s the thing… I feel I could duplicate the Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante  in real life.  I only need to figure out to create “non-reflective light.”

INGREDIENTS: Two cold pieces of pizza and a couple pitchers of Blue Moon.

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Sober Recollection… For A Change…

The towel with which he wiped his face left this image

The towel with which he wiped his face left this image

As the wise and sage-like Gary Busey once said, “Son of a bitch everything’s real,” I too spent my eve teetotaling, and realized there is much to learn while the mind is clean and the thoughts are clear.  Namely, I have to write in a pretentious tone, and make use of odd phrasings and word choices. 

Fuck that.  Here’s some things I learned the night I decided not to drink and still hit four bars.  (Maybe that’s how I lasted for four bars… I can get sleepy when I do the brew.)  (Image from Drawastar)

Chapter One – Buffalo Wild Wings

  • Sarcasm doesn’t work in text messages.  I knew this was the case with emails, but for some reason that didn’t translate in my brain.  Basically, I hurt sumbuwy’s feewings.
  • Edith Bunker was the first TV character to experience menopause, and not Maude.  Who knew that Norman Lear spread the wealth of taboo around?  (FYI: Maude was the first to have an abortion.)
  • “Rolling Stone” magazine changed its size.  They went smaller and quite frankly it looks wrong.

Chapter Two – One Under Bar and Grill

  • Paying cover for a band sucks when you show up right before their set ends, and the group decides to leave before the next set starts because the overall scene is lame.  Even if it’s $3.  And even though you didn’t pay it (thanks Doctor J).
  • The Trivia Jockey from my usual Wednesday stop hits this bar after leaving the other bar.  Not a big deal.  Just if I was a couple pillow cases to the wind I wouldn’t have noticed.
  • Everybody knows a dude that looks like Al Pacino.

Chapter Three – Kickers Complex (I just learned that’s what it’s called!)

  • It’s equally nice and sad to be recognized by bartenders.
  • You never want to hear a man sing Sara Bareilles’ “Love Song.”  Not even in an ironic way.  Trust me.
  • This song is supposedly popular, although I’ve never heard of it. 
    I know it’s country, but I’m familiar with the biggies.  This one?  I never even heard of its name.  Also, the two dudes singing David Allen Coe no favors.
  • Karaoke in an empty bar sucks.

Chapter Four – Plymouth Roadhouse

  • It’s equally nice and sad to be recognized by the bartender and the waitress.
  • When big screen projection TV’s are on their last legs, they look like crooked bootleg DVD’s of movies, minus people walking in front.
  • In theory, nobody knows shit about what’s going to happen to the Big Three Automakers.  The proof (as if you need it) is in the fact that everybody heard and knows something different.  Some of my favorite speculations: Ford will be picking up Jeep from GM, Chrysler will go bye-bye, GM will absorb Chrysler’s minivan division and make Dodge Ram their only truck, and Ford will get bought out by the Chinese but will keep the family name as part of the agreement.
  • And in closing, I learned that what Cerebus did in securing Chrysler was a lot like what Richard Gere’s character did in “Pretty Woman.”  They both bought a product at a reduced cost solely to strip it down and liquidate it for profit.  In essence – treat it like a whore (a regular one though… not Julia Roberts).