fantastic four

Yes Or No, Y’Know… Upcoming Movie Projects Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

If this was an article produced by a robot, it would be buttons with a 1 or 0. Or would a robot use YES and NO buttons to not seem like a robot?

I’m not a robot; otherwise the buttons would be marked with 1 or 0. Or would a robot use YES and NO buttons to not seem like a robot? Negative! Abort! Abort!

Hey y’all, let’s check out my simplest feelings about some upcoming film announcements.

YES!
Kevin Smith has decided to go ahead and make Clerks III.  It’s a little sooner than his “every ten years” speculation (Clerks II was released in 2006), but he must have some good ideas about what Dante and Randall have been up to.  I’m guessing that at least one of them has started a family.  I’m hoping it doesn’t become Clerks 3D. (article)

YES!
Because nobody was asking for it, Edward Woodward’s 1985 TV series, The Equalizer, is getting adapted for the big screen.  It’s basically about a one-man A-Team that equalizes situations for the underdogs… that pay him.  Denzell Washington is set to star; even better, Drive’s director Nicholas Winding Refn will helm. (article)

NO!
Why in the world would anyone want to remake Jumanji?  Sure, the special effects weren’t the greatest, but it was 1995 after all.  How about just a Special Edition re-release? (article)

NO!
I might be more excited about a Fantastic Four reboot if Disney/Marvel was in charge instead of 20th Century Fox.  Well, maybe not.  It is just the Fantastic Bore Four. (article)

NO!
Didn’t see the first live-action, Johnny Depp weird-fest, Alice in Wonderland; won’t see the second live-action, Johnny Depp weird-fest, Alice in Wonderland II. (article)

HELL YES!
God has apparently changed his mind.  Ghostbusters III is a go! (article)

HELL NO!
The Bill Murray story was a hoax! (article)

Unofficial Trilogy… Crappy Comic Book Movies That Were More Satisfying Than The Dark Knight Rises

Posted on by sgottahurt

These are not the brightest, but they are far from the worst.  To go even further, I enjoyed these three crappy comic book movies more than I enjoyed The Dark Knight (*yawn*) Returns Rises.  See what you think about my Unofficial Trilogy:

Maybe I should have picked all DC/Vertigo adaptations… Would anyone have noticed?

CONSTANTINE (2005)

Based on the main character from Hellblazer, and released a year after Hellboy, this film at least benefited from a variety of baddies and demons.  All Hellboy faced was a multitude of Sammael’s (the devil squid-dog creature), but I digress.  Constantine was fun because the story was about heaven versus hell, Satan was played to hammy oddness by Peter Stormare, Shia LeBeouf dies (spoiler!), and it followed logic and a plot.  It was crappy because John Constantine was played by Keanu Reeves, Gavin Rossdale of Bush was in it, and Shia LeBeouf came back as an angel (double spoiler!). The rise of John Constantine felt much more natural than Bruce Wayne’s.

FANTASTIC FOUR (2005)

This was a breezy adaptation of a very old comic book.  To begin, Doctor Doom was nowhere near menacing and maniacal enough.  But they got the relationship stuff right, especially when it came to the pranks between The Thing and Johnny Storm.  Even the shout outs to Yancy Street and the inclusion of Alicia Masters were surprising.  But still… it was cheesy.  But I guess Fantastic Four should be cheesy.  TDKR shouldn’t, but you wouldn’t have known by the ending (which was the only thing I liked incidentally).

GREEN LANTERN (2011)

Greg Berlanti, one of the writers of this film, knows nothing about superheroes.  His TV shows, No Ordinary Family and Eli Stone (he had powers, sort of), were flimsy attempts at showing the extraordinary in the ordinary, and this film was no different.  So why did I like it better than TDKR?  Even though it had purple aliens and power lamps and magic rings and a killer cloud and Blake Lively’s cleavage, it still made more sense than all the loose story threads in The Dark Knight Rises.  Perhaps if The Dark Knight wasn’t so damn good…