Detroit Timeshare
When we last left off, I was imagining, well, check the last post…
The wondering about how someone could pass out from trying to pass something parlayed into the training pants story: Apparently, somewhere not far from Lansing, there’s a strip club where guys can pay plenty to take a shower with two nude girls. It could be one of those urban legends at MSU because no one had ever been there, but everyone knew someone that had. The catch? Guys had to wear adult size training pants over their drawers, for whatever this recollection’s worth.
The importance of this part is that it lead to what both of these posts was all about – how cool would it be to run over things with a steamroller?
Here’s a short list of things we wanted to flatten (in no particular order):
A watermelon – this worked for Letterman when he dropped things off his roof
A regular TV – picture tube and all
A flatscreen TV – why not?
A metal garbage can – because how else do you throw out a garbage can
An aluminum baseball bat – like a penny on the train track
A lava lamp – ooh, the colors…
The statue of Joe Lewis’s Fist – that would finally make it a piece of art
Holy crapola! I was going to write a post about Daunte Culpepper getting signed to the Lions earlier, and I’m glad I waited…
The Answer is coming to the Pistons, too! Allen Iverson wasn’t a big fan of our former coach, Larry Brown… or practice for that matter.
We have hadn’t this many marquee players in town since the 2003-4 Red Wings roster (even though hockey doesn’t really count, right rest of America?)
I mean, the 2006 Tigers had… I give up. The last superstar we had is a gimme – Barry Sanders.
(SIDENOTE: My buddy, Jay was a huge Barry fan. He would have probably given anything to meet him. One night, in a Canadian strip club, two of my other friends ran into him at the bar, and they exchanged words. Barry left not soon after, and walked right past Jay as he was getting a $10 table dance. I don’t know… I find it funny.)
Well, whether this is good news or not will play out in the future, but it may pay off for me much earlier. You see, I have plans to get personalized sports jerseys for each of the teams. I already have my #20 Seanders Lions Jersey. I’m waiting to make sure Curtis Granderson is a Tigers’ franchise guy before I get a #28 Grandersean jersey, because I almost got a #14 Seanahan before Brendan Shanahan was traded to the Rangers (I hope he returns to retire with us, but I always have the option of #13 Datsean – #19 Yzersean seems to be pushing it). Prior to Iverson, my best Piston pun would have been Taysean, but that’s Prince’s first name. Could there be a Iversean jersey?
Anyhoopsandhuddles, welcome aboard, Daunte and Allen! Hopefully, we don’t suck your souls.
Okay, so maybe not so much ruin them… But just as the dog’s mouth watered whenever Pavlov rang that bell, you will not NOT think of the words to these wordless scores ever again. You’ve been warned…
Oh, and Happy Angel’s Night (says the guy who has to stay home and guard his house like he’s Kevin McCallister on Christmas).
In further celebration of Kwame’s lockup, I decided it was time to do some Detroit themed shopping.
First on the market – how about a new house?
I swear it is in the DLocated in Detroit's Indian Village, it's going for just over $550,000 dollars. Don't have a half million? How about this fixer upper:Ah... that seems about right
I want one
Wrinkles included
Today disgraced Detroit mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, begins his 120-day jail sentence here (from the Freep):
Considering I’m an actual citizen of Detroit, and since I’m technically paying for his stay with my tax dollars (I think I am – I really don’t know much about things like that), I suggest we do this: play this song on loop the entire four months.
I’m a glutton for punishment. Yes, I went to watch the Lions take on the Redskins at Ford Field. Yes, I’m even going to Chicago next weekend to see them battle the Bears. And why, you ask?
I could be lame and say – beer. I could be lamer and say – the ladies. It’s sure not the boys in blue and silver (and dammit if they didn’t get my hopes up again!)
It’s for the things you can learn when you least expect it. So now I present to you, three things I learned at the Detroit Lions game:
1) You can make plastic out of plants. You read that right. And where did I stumble upon this discovery? My beer cup. The best part about the company that makes the plant-plastic cups? Their website is F-K.
2) The Detroit Lions Pet Calendar is not a derogatory euphamism calendar. A sale can be a powerful, um, selling tool. At $10 a pop (for the calendar, not a soda… though that price is close), I considered getting one. If I had, this is a sample of what I would have found.
3) Pornology would make a great name for a website. But alas, it has already been taken, and not for any good use. When my buddy, Jay, mispronounced the root word, I swore if the domain name was available, I’d be making a career switch.
Ah, the Power of Beer in a plastic cup made from plants..
UPDATE: Now with working video.
Last night, as I watched the end of Game 3 of the World Series between the Tampa Bay Rays and Philadelphia Phillies, I found myself further rooting for Tampa Bay, and I might have realized why.
At first, it was easy to root for them – they were playing against the dreaded Boston Red Sox for the Pennant. Now grant it, there’s always going to be a special place at the top of my shit list for the New York Yankees, but Boston sure ain’t far behind. That’s because of all Boston teams (well, the Bruins are kind of like their Lions). They came close to winning three titles in the same year (the Sox and the Celtics did it), but the New York Giants stopped Brady’s Butt Pats in their tracks. (Thanks, Eli!)
I want Detroit to be the sports capital – I want at least two of the three great teams here to win in the same year at least once (I’ve written you off Lions, ‘natch). So as I watched the game, I thought I may have found a kindred spirit in Tampa Bay. It’s a do-over for the Detroit Tigers, with the Philadelphia Phillies standing in for the St. Louis Cardinals. They both made it to the World Series the after having recent last place seasons and they each beat the Big Bad Wolf in their way there (we knocked out the Yankees in the ALDS and swept the A’s in the ALCS!)
Then the next realization hit me like a foul ball (while eating a cheese pretzel) – the color scheme’s the same! Red vs. Blue. If the MLB brass had their druthers, their dream series of Boston vs. LA carried the same palette.
This got me wondering how often this happened in baseball… this Red vs. Blue pattern. Then I digressed and remembered this gem:
…Then, I digressed beyond that and thought of two films I recently watched within a 24-hour period that followed the same pattern. Enjoy!
(If you can’t watch this entire clip below, skip to 6:20 mark.)
All four?
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