csi

In Defense Of… Justin Bieber

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s about that time for a new category, and this is one I’ve had an idea about for quite some time.

The premise is simple and it’s this:

Take a hated subject and write a polemic against the againsts.

I won’t argue for it.  I won’t praise it.  I’ll just defend it, hence In Defense Of.

So who better to start with than the one and only teen heart-throb and bane of most h8rs existence, Justin Bieber:

For example, I want to say, "With a fivehead like that I understand the bangs!" but I won't.

In the spirit and honor of this new post, I’ll begin with this:

  • Justin Bieber is nothing new… he’s merely the latest incarnation of a time-honored tradition.
  • Like the world’s oldest profession, the heart-throb is a mainstay.
  • “The Heart-Throb” is a product of the times, not a producer.
  • Much like how this nation elected a philanderer when our morals were at their lowest, an imbecile when we were most scared, and someone completely different when we wanted something completely different, Bieber is an unassuming girly boy in an era when women are seeking out effeminate, metrosexual men, for the most part.
  • Plus, young girls are kinda dumb and prone to clustered thinking… he was basically in the right place at the right time (on YouTube).

Much hullabaloo is also made about his hair.  So… does anyone remember Joey Lawrence?

Whoa!

He started out as a tyke on Nell Carter’s Gimme a Break! but really gained fame using the above catchphrase on Blossom.  Then he took a stab at a music career:

But his heart-throb status faded through the years, and the same will happen to Bieber.  Heck, Bieber has already made his appearance on CSI: Las Vegas… Lawrence appeared on CSI: New York just four years ago!

So the way I look at it is this:

Ignore him.

Maybe even start to like him.

My sisters used to have their walls plastered with New Kids on the Block posters and their room filled with paraphernalia.  By the time Step by Step came out, I stopped fighting with them about their obsession.  I even admitted to start enjoying their music.  The posters didn’t last much longer after that.

To close, I’ve made these diagrams:

Drunken Recollection… Bombs, Bugs, And Blisters

Posted on by sgottahurt

There are things you’re taught, and there are things you learn.  There are things you know, and things you choose not to remember.  Sometimes these things come up at the bar.

Here are examples are each:

1) Things you’re taught.  I was unaware of the existence of cornmeal bombs, and then one day I was taught not only their purpose, but how they work.  Thanks CSI!

2) Things you learn. One of my buddies (Derek) works as a scientist (he says he’s not but by all intents and purposes, I say he is – just like how I refer to my engineering friends as inventors).  What his job entails is creating bugs that will get rid of these guys:

emeraldashborer

How much wood can a woodborer bore if a... wait, it can. So all of it.

What I think is cool (which is highly subject, considering I think it’s cool to be considered a scientist), is that I had no idea he did this now.  The last I heard he was categorizing lake muck, no he’s scientist-ing with insects!  Also, I had seen signs all around Michigan for years saying not to transplant wood because of the Emerald Ash Borer pictured above, but I had no idea that it looked… like… that.  Not to sound stereotypical, but it comes from Asia, and it looks like something that would come from Asia (is that stereotypical sounding?), in that I mean it looks foreign, and regal, and traditional (nice recovery).  Anywood, since it’s winter, Derek cuts down trees to put them in heat chambers that fool the little dormant buggers into thinking it’s spring, then he unleashes his (team’s) creations on them!  Awesome!

3) Things you know.  I haven’t played basketball in over a year, and I know I don’t have the right shoes for it, so I know that I’m going to get a blister or two from speeding running jogging up and down the court.

4) Things you choose not to remember.  I haven’t played basketball in over a year, and the chance came up to play last night.  I had a soccer game that started late, so I knew I could squeeze in a couple hours of hoops.  Then I’d have no problem playing soccer right after…

[INSERT GENERIC IMAGE OF BLISTER ON FOOT, PROVIDED BY YOUR IMAGINATION BECAUSE I’M SUCH A NICE GUY THAT’S NOT GOING TO PUT UP ANY PICTURES LIKE THIS]

Drunken Recollection… Drinking Math Sucks!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Now with more granite!

Now with more granite!

Okay… I feel like I’m at full steam again.  It’s not like I haven’t drank ten pounds of beer before, but at age 33, I might as well be drinking Quikrete.  Actually, I don’t even think it’s so much of an age thing, or an amount of food eaten thing.  It comes down to a timetable.

In Chicago – 12 lbs. beer / 8 hrs = ah, who cares… I was going to make a big math post about drinking and yada yada… Since it’s already boring me, I’ll shift gears and chat about dead people jewelry.

Did you know you can turn the ashes of a loved one (already deceased preferable) into a diamond?  How crazy is that?  I mean, I guess it make more sense than keeping an urn on the fireplace mantle, but still.

It may seem insensitive (probably because it is), but I wonder what other kinds of memorabilia could fashioned out of cremated remains:

Maybe a Japanese Zen Garden.  How about a fingerprinting kit (human carbon has to be a lot safer than asbestos).  Then there’s always an idea like Litter Critters…