Today is my half-birthday, and for those of you that drink milk through a straw, it means it’s six months since my birthday and six months until my birthday!
For heaped upon years, I’ve been trying to get family and friends alike to celebrate my half birthday by giving me presents. Their reply:
You didn’t get me anything for my half birthday.
My reply:
Because you didn’t get me anything for mine! I started the idea, and I’ll roll with it!
So for those of you reading this that know me, I will gladly accept one of the following three items. They are in no specific order. I have no preference. There are three to allow room for ‘a surprise,’ but the biggest surprise would be for everyone to work together on getting all three. And I will not go into any explanations other than “Me wanty!”
The nominations for this year’s Academy Awards came out today, and while a lot of other better informed, better thought-out, better written sites will have their two cents to suck on and hope they pass the Breathalyzer, here’s my wheat penny’s worth.
Um, hello…? The Dark Knight anybody? Sure, Heath Ledger received his well-deserved posthumous nomination for his portrayal/reinvention of the Joker, but where’s the Best Picture nod? This film was hands down a surefire contender, if not the absolute best. I thought the original Batman Beginswas award-worthy, and the sequel was ten times smarter, darker, and realistic than, gah, well I guess The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Slumdog Millionaire (the other three are based on true stories, and we all know that’s code for loose adaptation).
Don’t get me wrong – I love David Fincher and Danny Boyle (Trainspotting – ‘natch), and I’m happy to see them nominated as well, but where’s Chris Nolan’s nod? And although I found Slumdog to be fascinating and worthy, Button kinda bit it. I wanted to love the film, like I do Fight Club and Seven, but the intercutting between “Katrina’s coming” New Orleans and the overwhelming similarity to Forrest Gump (which screenwriter Eric Roth also scripted) sank it for me.
I am glad that Martin McDonagh got nominated for writing In Bruges. My friend, Chris, had recommended checking it out before I visited Belgium last year, and I wish I had… Bruges looked like a dream, except you’re awake (check out the film – it’s awesome).
Holla at Robert Downey, Jr! Nominated not only for a role in a comedy film, but for wearing black face in Tropic Thunder. Whodathunk?
WALL-E got nominated for Best Animated Feature. WHOOPT-E FUCK-N DO. Why should Beauty and the Beast continue to carry the distinction of the only animated film nominated for Best Picture when this (and Finding Nemo) blow it away?
In closing… my friend, Dave, asked if I had seen The Reader yet. I had told him I hadn’t, but I heard Kate Winslet was nude in it, to which he replied, “When is she not?” I dubbed her the female Harvey Keitel, and he did a spit-take with his coffee.
Thanksgiving weekend has come and gone, as has all the turkey (et. al.) through me. With this in mind, I shall impart onto you the various things that I learned over the past four days.
The only lamp of its kind where you quickly touch the live plant to turn it on and off or hold a leaf and it works as a dimmer.
Ain’t that the bees knees! Just stick the Amazing Plant Lamp kit in any plant and voila!
2) Raisins are forcibly put into too many things, like cinnamon bread and puddings. I usually don’t eat any of these foods anyway, but I can relate because of how common it is for bakers to put nuts in fudge brownies (that could be taken out of context)! Enough! I want choices!
(SIDE NOTE: I used to like Fig Newtons as a kid because I thought it was some kind of weird tasting chocolate. Then I learned and thus hated them.)
3) Chocotinis have zero alcohol content, despite what anyone else might claim. My sister was pulled over for having non-working turn signals. She was nervous and forgot her alphabet. The cop made her do the random balance tests and the such, then he gave her a Breathalyzer test. She blew zero. Case closed!
4) You can break the bottom off a beer bottle with water and a hand slap. Basically, take an empty bottle (in this case, it was Coors Light), fill it halfway with water, hold the neck in one hand, and slam the palm of your other hand on the bottle’s mouth. The bottom drops out from the instant air pressure, I guess. Apparently, beer has more shock absorption.
5) My cousin Steve might be a diabolical genius. In discussing the biggest insults one man could make against another (backhanding was #3… spitting in face was #2… we didn’t go beyond what’s to follow), he declared the greatest coup, the most humiliating attack, the most degrading defeat, the biggest insult to be ever perpetrated in the world would be this – to tickle a man in front of his family. Right in front of his wife, his children, and his dog. Tickled to the point of tears and uncontrollable laughter. It’s guaranteed that after the giggles were through, he’d pack up his things and walk out the door, not saying a word, not making any eye contact, swearing to himself to never return again, and all this would be understood. Out of humiliation he’d still support the family, though thousands of miles away. And his family could become your family.
6) As a kid, I watched WXYZ Channel 7 way more than I realized, because they had a special on about their past 60 years, and I got choked up. Stupid nostalgia…
7) I would put that the Detroit Lions suck, but I already knew that.
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