Drunken Recollection… I Have No Idea What I Recollected

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret about the mysterious workings behind this blog.  I wake up at the crack of dawn everyday (I just love beating the sun) and walk to my corner gas station to pick up a local paper.  Sure, I could have the delivery boy bring it, but the exercise keeps the ol’ pumper pumping (besides, I leave the paper boy a tip every Christmas as if I subscribed to help make up for his losses).  As I mill through the ink print to discover what’s going on in this world, I pour myself some whole grain cereal and organic milk, with a side of orange juice and toast (I use real butter to lather my heated wheat treat – it’s my only vice!)  I even slice up bananas and strawberries to put on top, like in the commercials.  After immediately washing the dishes and separating my recyclables, I ready the tub for a nice bubble bath and who am I kidding… I barely wake up on time to get to work at 10:30ish.  I should be there at 9!  This is the case due to the habit of my evening imbibing of carbonated, fermented brown water.

While at the draft tap establishments, conversations erupt, and often I’m reminded of something clever to write about, and I make a note in my cell phone.  Usually, I can translate.  Most times, I find messages like this:

  1. dancing caveman jukebox
  2. baby jacket
  3. think straw when see
  4. deli 25 bux
  5. whoprvirgins baby coat
  6. mr. wizard
  7. getn away w murdr
  8. angus young black
  9. martha quinn med woman
  10. kidbits

There are other notes of which I do remember, and will be inevitable posts, but these strike little or no chord.  Or I remember having a drunken laugh about them, such as 3, 8, and 9.  I believe 3 refers to how when I see a straw in somebody else’s drink at the table, I move toward my drink as though it also has a straw (I don’t drink beer with a straw anymore… not since I got rid of my “Cast Away” Halloween costume beard… although at times I have joined many straws so I wouldn’t have to pick up my mug).  8 and 9 were common mix-ups I have about AC/DC’s lead singer and the old MTV VJ.

1 and 4 were going to be big to-do’s, but I really had no fodder.  I cannot stand the dancing Geico caveman on digital jukeboxes, and I love how you don’t have to sign credit card statements on things less than $25.  I have no idea what the “deli” has to do with anything.  Much like number 7 – that one scares me because I’m 100% clueless about it.

2 and 5 repeated the theme of those stupid small coats that the ladies wear nowadays.  I wanted to bring up how pointless and stupid and trendy they are – much like Uggs boots.  I don’t know why I jotted down the Burger King website in conjunction with the jacket, though.

6 and 10 probably had to do with the same chit chat about childhood TV science shows.  I don’t know “Mr. Wizard,” per se, but “Kidbits” taught me how to make a chair out of three baseball bats (I also believe the demonstration was with knives or forks… I’m leaning toward knives though) and how to poke a straw through a potato. 

In closing, here’s “Kidbits” theme:

All I Want For Christmas Is… A Toilet That Doesn’t Clog

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ll spare you the details, but just know that in the last 24 hrs. I’ve eaten:
  • A Hungry Howies pizza – size small – with pepperoni, cheese, and heavy Cajun crust
  • A Smokehouse Bacon Triple-the-Cheese Big Mouth Burger, with fries, chips, and queso dip
  • A Bob Evans homestyle breakfast containing flapjacks, sausage, eggs, and mashed potatoes with gravy

And after a recent incident occurred, all I’m dreaming about is a better toilet.  The industrial ones at my office building are forces of nature (so to speak).  It’s my home John J. Crapper that’s a “wholey tearer.”

Not to be much cruder, but I’ve taken dumps in many places around the world, and I wonder if the alternatives might be worth it.  In Japan, this is how they go Niban (a.k.a. #2):

New visual for Pop-a-Squat.

New visual for Pop-a-Squat.

In Amsterdam, I discovered “the shelf,” courtesy of German toilet engineering:

Goodbye floaters! Hello shelfers!

Goodbye floaters! Hello shelfers!

I thought I might try to find out something about Australian toilets, like, maybe the “reverse flush” might have a stronger pull, but all I ended up doing was watching a crap load of videos like this:

All-in-all, I guess anything is better than this:

I... think I can wait until I get home.

I... think I can wait until I get home.

Oh, They Only Pick On You Because They’re Jealous – The Tom Cruise Story

Posted on by sgottahurt

Poor Tom Cruise… I think I’m growing a soft spot for the little guy.  Of late, he’s making the talk show circuit to promote his new movie, “Valkyrie,” and every time I’ve caught his interview, something inside me dies.

It’s pitiful, really, how much pandering he seems to have to go through to get back into the public’s good graces.  Back in the day, when he kept his life private – Mega Movie Star.  Since “meeting” Katie Holmes and doing that crazy interview on Oprah – not so much.

(Although I must say this: when I’m 44, if I hook up with a woman 16 years younger than me, I can’t promise I’m not jumping on some couches, too.  Hopefully, she’s hotter than Holmes.)

Watch his appearance on Letterman last night and tell me if it doesn’t feel like the sap just wants to be liked? 

He’s trying too hard, and it reeks of bad parental advice.  Imagine:

Mommy, they’re being mean to me at school.  I don’t think nobody likes me.

To which Mommy (a.k.a. Daddy Hubbard or Uncle Miscavige) replies:

They’re jealous, my boy.  You can’t let them get to you.  Just get back out there and be the best you you can be.  If they pick on you – ignore them.  Better yet… laugh with them.

A lot of good it did me, Mom.  All I have to show for being the best me I can be is an ass-kicking that left me with a head scar and a detached testicle.  Thanks for a lifetime of explaning why my nutsack hangs to my knees, and that no, I did not steal your _____!

Meh Find… Lily Allen’s Womanizer

Posted on by sgottahurt

This one’s not quite so much a Happy Find as Meh Find.  Damn this song for getting stuck in my head in the first place, and damn it again for getting remade into something more tolerable.  It’s like getting a butterknife stuck in my head as opposed to a mace.  (via IDLYITW)

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more about “Meh Find… Lily Allen’s Womanizer“, posted with vodpod

 

All I Want For Christmas Is… The Dark Knight Returns (Or Whatever Batman 3 Will Be)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Please…?  Pretty, pretty please?

I can only take so much withholding before I just die.

I’ll be nice to my brother.  I’ll even be nice to my sisters, I guess.

Christopher Nolan, all I want is a promise.  A contract can come later.  All I want for Christmas is to know that there will be a third Batman movie (presumably, “The Dark Knight Returns,” but I hope it’s called something better.)

There’s this guy that calls himself Max Doomsday at an excellent blog called Atomic Gadfly, and he’s got the next movie all figured out:

(These) are the characteristics I’d draw on for my depiction of the Penguin. He’d be a successful professional criminal fronting as a businessman and philanthropist, who’s bought his way into Gotham high society. In a way, he’d be very much like Bruce Wayne – wealthy industrialists moving in the same social circle, and both leading double lives. But each man should recognize that the other is not quite what he seems.

The Penguin could be setting himself up as one of the city’s major benefactors – helping finance the rebuilding of Gotham General Hospital, bringing new jobs to the city, even donating equipment to the police department. But his goal is to create a sense of security for the people of Gotham. After all, they’ve just lived through the attacks on the city by Ra’s al Ghul and the Joker. The Penguin figures that if people feel like things are returning to normal, they’ll be so relieved that they won’t pay attention to what might be going on behind the scenes.

Remember, by the end of The Dark Knight, the Joker and Two-Face had killed off some of Gotham’s top mob figures. So the Penguin sees an opportunity to move in and set himself up as the new kingpin. Publicly, he appears to be working to “bring Gotham back” (as Batman once said), but privately, in the shadows, he’s building his criminal empire.

Max Doomsday even goes on to describe his appearance and his trademarks, and how to make him real.  (Hire him to help write the script!)  Another highlight is how the Penguin would get his name:

It’s not hard to imagine a scene – maybe a conference of mob leaders – where Oswald has arrived from some formal gala, still in his tux, and somebody makes a crack about how he looks in his “penguin suit.” So Oswald kills the guy, or orders him killed. Hell, maybe he crushes the guy’s windpipe with an umbrella. (I don’t know if your standard umbrella’s actually strong enough to do that. I’m just throwin’ out the idea.) Or maybe the insult occurs in a more public setting, embarrassing Oswald in front of his moll and his high society friends.

Either way, the story gets around. From then on, Oswald’s called “the Penguin.” Never, ever to his face, but sneeringly, behind his back, like “Scarface” or “Bugsy.”

So Chris Nolan – whuttayathink?  I’ll put my two-cents in (ha ha… like Two-Face… not really).  I say make Tiny Lister’s tattooed prisoner become Killer Croc (he’s the guy who threw the charge out the window).  Or have Mr. Reese in accounting become the Riddler.  He can go crazy because he wants to tell the world about Bruce Wayne and the Batman, but he feels a great debt is owed… maybe Lucius Fox fires him and that’s what pushes him off the deep end.

Anyharleyquinn, if I can’t get even a hint of a spec of a promise, can I get this instead?

(

Me wanty... just kidding... not really... :(

Drunken Recollection… Douchbag Machines

Posted on by sgottahurt

See, you punch it, and it gives you a score... what do you mean what else does it do?

See, you punch it, and it gives you a score... what do you mean what else does it do?

I hate this thing.  I really do.

I wish I never set my eyes upon it.  I’ll go one better and wish my friends’ eyes had never set upon it, because they’re the facilitators of the addiction.

Meet Punch!  Or BoxClub… or Boxing… or whatever version the bar has.  They’re all over the place, like a drunk girl on me (I wish).  And they have been for awhile, but I’ve managed to keep my distance from what I designated as the Douchebag Machine.  The higher the number you can hit on the dangling nutsack, the bigger the nutsack you are.

Or so I used to pretend.  Now it’s almost like a Holy Grail when I step into a gin joint.  Whomever spots it first begins the murmurs – “Did you see?  Did you see?”  And every unit is different.  Ssome bags are soft, some are hard.  Some respond well to running at it and others don’t. 

So am I a douchebag for playing?  Nope.  And neither are my friends.

But everyone else still is.

All I Want For Christmas Is… Parker Lewis Can’t Lose On DVD

Posted on by sgottahurt

I guess he can lose.

I guess he can lose.

What.  The.  Fahrvergnugen.  Why isn’t “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” on official DVD yet.  There are bootlegs aplenty, but I’m waiting for a Shout! Factory version or for Sony to pony up and put out.

For those of you that don’t remember this show, or never heard of it at all, the breakdown is this: it’s a rip-off an homage based on similar to “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

Parker Lewis was played by the guy who played Jonas Quinn in “Stargate SG-1″… no, you don’t know?  How about the guy in “RoboDoc?”  Um… his name is Corin Nemec (which sounds made up – an anagram of Icemen Corn?), and he’s been here and there through the years, but nothing quite as loud-shirted as he was on this show.  (I forgot that’s why I had so many polyester button-downs in high school.)

He was the guy who had all the plans for getting away with any scheme rated PG, which he commonly preceded with the phrase, “Not a problem.”

His best bud was rocker Mikey Randall.  He was played by the kid who played Blanche’s wayward nephew in an early “Golden Girls” episode.  Not helping?  He also had a recurring role on “Silver Spoons.”  His real name is Billy Jayne.  He played a coach on one episode of “The Bernie Mac Show” if that triggers any memories.  See, that’s why this needs to be on DVD.

The only other faces you may recognize are Principal Grace Musso.  She was played by Melanie Chartoff who was on “Get a Life” with Chris Elliott.  Um, that’s not on DVD either.

Okay… the big guy on campus, Larry Kubiak, was played by the guy who played the, um, big guy in “ER.”  His name is Abraham Benrubi.

Howzabout Parker’s little sister Sherry?  Maia Brewton was also in “Adventures in Babysitting.”  Remember?  She liked Thor?  Hilarious!

Okay, maybe Parker Lewis didn’t make much of a cultural impact, but it certainly was a product of its time.  Is it too much to ask for it to simply be a product?

JusWondering… Government And Its Euphemisms

Posted on by sgottahurt

Welcome to the United States of America.  Are we states united?  Last time I checked there was a whole bunch of Blue States and a whole bunch of Red States, and together these states sure don’t make Purple.  But it’s where we live, for better or worse, for sicker and poorer.

I just think it’s time we got a couple new euphemisms from the guys and gals in charge.

Here’s a few Classics:

  • When America Invades a Country = Pre-Emptive War
  • Project Scare Americans = Terror Alert Chart
  • We Have No Idea Who We’re Fighting = War on Terror
  • We Want To Spy on Everybody = Patriot Act
  • Shut Everybody Up About the Poor Education in this Country = No Child Left Behind

Here’s a few Modern Classics:

  • Man, is it Getting Hot or What? = Global Warming
  • Wannabe Hippie = Going Green
  • Perpetual Pipe Dream = Universal Health Care

And no doubt, here’s some Future ones as well:

  • $700-billion Bailout = Troubled Assets Recovery Program
  • Tax on the Rich = Investment in Middle America
  • Abortion Clinics = Instant Angel Factories (?)

Drunken Recollection… Palm Reading At Strip Clubs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Ah, the universal question… why do I get so philosophical when I get drunk?  (Okay, it may not be universal to you, but it certainly is to me.)  Is it that maybe I’m always so deeply lost in thought, that the suppression of ideas spill out when my tongue’s been freed by liquid courage?  Or do I talk out my ass and sell the shit out of my bullshit?

Whatever the answer, the fact that remains is this: why am I doing this when I’m at the strip club local ballet?

Now before you go getting all judgmentallyish on me, know that I’m going to blame it on my friends.  I’m always going to say they dragged me there.  It’s besides the point that they actually did have to drag me there the first time I went (I was still a very, very devout Catholic back then), but nowadays there’s a little less arm twisting (it’s usually bribery that gets me).  So anyhoohah, to my point – what was my point?

A couple of my friends recently happened upon a local ballerina establishment.  (Actually, it was the night of my Sober Recollection… that was the next stop I could not be bribed into.)  One of them later recounted to me that one of the ladies claimed to be a palm reader.  He swore she got his name, his occupation, and a few other things right, to which I decried “balogna” (would “baloney” have had more of a visual impact?)  I figured our other friend had to give her a heads-up because I don’t believe palm reading works that way (if at all).

This story he told me while at a different joint (oh yeah, this was where I was going).  It lead me to ponder (okay it’s not quite philosophizing, but I do that a lot as well) about what I would like to have happen if I ever got my palm read.  I would be so excited if the reader started looking over my lines, and then immediately stood up and backed away.  “Go!  You must leave!  Now!”  The reader’s voice would crack as they cowered into the corner, crying.  Man, that would give me the biggest smile.

Another scenario I always daydream about is more of a prank.  I need to find a good recording of screaming demons so that I could call my friends and when they answered, I’d just play the burning in fire and brimstone response.

I also pretend I’m Wolverine or John McClane when I’m in my hallways at work.  Man, this post went off rail… must be because of this beer I’m palm reading.

Palm reading is fundamental.

Palm reading is fundamental.

All I Want For Christmas Is… A Quadski

Posted on by sgottahurt

But can it go on water?

But can it go on water?

But can it go on land?

But can it drive on land?

All I can think about when I see Gibbs Technology’s Quadski is, “Me wanty, me wanty!”  Let me explain it to you in simple terms if the pictures aren’t enough (actually, you might not even be reading this and may still be staring at the photos).

I don’t live near water any body of water but the Rouge River, so this would come in handy when I finally set forth my plan on traversing the bendy once-heavily polluted now not-as-nasty stream as if it were the Mississip and I was Huck Finn.  I’m sure I could get my Neighbor Jim to tag along.

Um, okay… how’s this for another crack at a wry, wrong joke – How do you say “a table for four” in a Polish restaurant?  Ah forget it.  Watch this video of my future speed-raft instead: