The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Fantasy Movies

Posted on by sgottahurt

NOTE: Everything that follows is my opinion… and it’s all fact.

Fantasy movies are geared toward the audience that longs to be whisked away, and that’s namely the pre-teens of this world.  The reason why they are so susceptible: there’s still imagination (child-like wonder) remaining in their brains.  Any adult that is too into fantasy films obviously has a mental/social disorder (hello PotHeads and Twihards)…

I’m not meaning to be mean.  I’m merely meaning to get to the bottom of why fantasy films don’t do it for me anymore.

Growing up, I loved Clash of the Titans, The Beastmaster, The Dark Crystal, Gremlins, Tron, The Princess Bride, and some movies had to deal with a Star War or a few. There were others that I couldn’t quite get into like Legend and Labyrinth, but I always felt they were more for the young ladies (for the record, The Princess Bride was being read to Kevin Arnold Fred Savage).

Outside of The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (it’s insanely absurd and clever), when I was turning thirteen, Willow wasn’t even cutting it anymore.  If I was going to like a dopey fantasy movie, it had something else going for it, such as my crush on Winona Ryder in Edward Scissorhands or me still being a fan of Steven Spielberg when he made Hook.

Let’s use The Neverending Story trilogy (yes there were three – and a TV show) to reiterate:

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The first film released in 1984: AWE-SOME (hyphen added for pause worthy emphasis).

The second film released in 1990: (Avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis, avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis, avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis…)

The third film released in 1994: Really?!  Highlights from an IMDB review:

I cannot begin to describe how awful this movie is… NES3, for lack of a better term, sucks.  The storyline was as unimaginative and vapid as you could hope for… After the fart jokes and potty humor commenced, I just couldn’t take it any longer.  My advice is don’t wast your time and ruin your childhood memories with this piece of refuse.

Now I don’t count superhero movies or animated films because they’ve almost attained the status of having their own genre.  Outside of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, what do you have left to defend?  The Mummy films?  Van Helsing?  (Not fair – those are mostly Stephen Sommers‘ pieces of crap.)  Okay, then.  MirrorMask?  Eragon?  Beowulf?  Lady in the Water?!  Stardust and Coraline were even kind of meh.

(SIDENOTE: I will give props to The Last Mimzy, The Bridge to Terebithia, and Big Fish for tugging my heart strings, 300 for being new, and the first Pirates of the Caribbean for the laughs. Am I missing any others?)

Ultimately, have fantasy films declined from being the shit to just shitty, or am I just getting old?  I guess the proof will be in the pudding (sorry for the oldtimer-y expression) when the following films get remade or updated:

(FINAL SIDENOTE: I really, really, really, seriously hope that M. Night Shyamalan doesn’t fuck up The Last Airbender.  I looooove that cartoon.  That ended it’s run.  On Nickelodeon.  Just last year.  Stop looking at me that way!  I don’t have that serious of a mental/social disorder!  Use this blog as proof!)

Worth 1002 Words… Enterprising Dog Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

startrekdog

Cardboarder Collie

Some alternauts(Get it? It’s like astro– ah, forget it…):

  • Star Fetch
  • Bud Lightspeed
  • Where’s Bones?
  • Captain Jerk
  • Laika Notsomuch

InASense, Lost… A Pole Dancer Doll? I Give Up

Posted on by sgottahurt

Put a fork in me.  I’m done.  No seriously.  I’m totally cooked in inside, or roasted, or toasted, or melty gooey.  Forget the fork; get a pitchfork. 

Even though it’s not available here (although lest we forget, we still have Bratz Dolls… go hourglass figure), this still exists in the world:

pole_dance_doll

Are the coke habit and bastard child being watched by mom sold separately?

Naive me first thought that the doll might be this kind of Poll Dancer: 

polldancer

"I'm taking a survey... It'll cost you $1 per answer."

Even if it’s culturally insensitive (but it’s okay to say because I am one), this would have been an acceptable Pole Dancer toy: 

poledancer

The Polish are good at four things: dancing, drinking, and counting.

I mean, with that doll existing, what’s the worst that could happen? 

babypoledance

Are there enough pitchforks to go-go around?

Happy Find… People Of Walmart

Posted on by sgottahurt

It's a little bit late for the condom.

It's a little bit late for the condom.

I’m a fan of Kurt Vonnegut’s works (I would declare huge fan, but I’ve read less than a handful of his books… oops!), but as I recall in Slaughterhouse-Five, there was a zoo on Tralfamadore that housed Earthlings.

ATTENTION ALL TRALFAMADORIANS!

If you want some fine specimen for your collection, search no further than any local Walmart.  If you require samples, check out the menagerie of folks (and their vehicles) at the website People Of Walmart.

And while you’re at Walmart, bathroom cleaning supplies are in aisle five… in case you wanna build a sex toy or something…

So it goes…

Eye gotta hand it to ya...

A Tralfamadorian

(artwork by Animatedpunk)

Pre-Drunken Recollection… Strange Things Are Afoot At Target

Posted on by sgottahurt

"You had me at logo"

"You had me at logo"

On a mission to get some essentials post-soccer and pre-impromptu bar session, I stopped into the Target I used to work at AKA the Center of My Universe.  Here’s a breakdown of all things odd that occurred in a very short visit:

  • Being adorned in leftover soccer attire, I entered the store and found a young lady that appeared to be wearing full soccer attire.  I witnessed a too tight yellow t-shirt, way too small black biker shorts, and sock covered shin guards black faux leather boots to her knees.  Her mother was with her and didn’t stop her from leaving the house.  This was just the beginning.
  • I ran into my cousins’ aunt and uncle and they warned me about someone they had passed that I was about to run into.  I won’t spoil the upcoming surprise, but I warned them of The Boots.
  • Yes, the man did look like he was wearing underwear as pants.  Gray boxer-briefs, more specifically.
  • Moving forward, I saw one of my friends helping an old lady in one of the aisles, but she didn’t see me.  I proceeded to linger at the end cap, banging things on the shelf intermittently, doing the same in the next aisle.  No response.
  • A mother passed by with her tween son and daughter and shunned the son with the phrase: “Here’s the stinky man aisle.”  She abandoned him, and his sister waited to mock him as he set out to pick out his first deodorant in shame.  I paused from pounding products and considered helping him – I didn’t.  He went for the cheap stuff on sale and ran out into the main aisle as his mother returned.  They rejoined the father that happened to be the MAN IN THE UNDERWEAR.
  • Tired of embarrassing myself by making a small scene to get my friend to stop talking to the needy old lady, I rounded the corner on the opposite end facing her.  I realized the lady was inquiring about lady shaving products.  Specifically bikini area hair removers.  My friend looked captured, but upon seeing me, finally excused herself.

Oh Target, you complete me.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Both Of These Vampire Spoofs May Suck

Posted on by sgottahurt

Just for clarification: Coinkydink = yes, it’s a coincidence.  Coinkydonk = no, that sh– is on purpose.

I’m a fan of the old days when spoofs were actually quality works, and a noble genre in it’s own right.  Early Mel Brooks and Zucker Brothersfilms are often sited as classics, but lest we not forget, um, nope, there’s nobody else.  Satire is a dying form, mostly because it requires intelligence blah blah blah highbrow chitter-chatter… onto the jokes, man.  No seriously, I have never seen a joke on this blog since it started last October.

So speaking of October and spoofs, what about comedy-horror films?  For every Young Frankenstein, there’s a Love at First Bite.  For every Transylvania 6-5000, there’s a Dracula: Dead and Loving It.  For every Saturday the 14th, there’s a Saturday the 14th Strikes Back.  And for every Scream, there’s more than enough Scary Movies.

So now we have two more vampire-themed “comedies” heading our way, and it’s Round 189 in “Hollywood’s Run Out Of Ideas So Let’s Make Two Versions Of The Same Movie And Have Them Compete Against Each Other.” 

Examples of previous rounds:

  • Paul Blart: Mall Cop / Observe and Report
  • Armageddon / Deep Impact
  • Volcano / Dante’s Peak
  • Madagascar / The Wild
  • The Truman Show / Ed TV
  • A Bug’s Life / Antz
  • The Prestige / The Illusionist
  • Tombstone / Wyatt Earp

The latest entries to the list are Transylmania and Stan Helsing (srsly).  Here are their trailers:

The Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk-nesscomes down to this simple question: Do studios release similar movies against each other on accident (dink!) or on purpose (donk!)?

In My Brain While Sleeping… Dating Advice From Brody Jenner

Posted on by sgottahurt

Real Caption: “Don’t tase me, Bro… dy!”  I imagine he said, whilst getting tased.

Another Caption: I am to electric bolts what Perez Hilton is to penis drawings.

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

For whatever reason, prior to his reappearance in the news, I had a dream that was hanging out with Brody Jenner (do I credit him as the son of Bruce Jenner, the step-brother of Kim Kardashian, or a cast member of The Hills?), but not in a Bromance sort of way, though. 

As a self-described ladies’ man (I have no proof he claims this, but I have no doubt he claims this), he was acting as my dating guru.  His advice:

Repeat what you do every hour.

Apparently, when you take a girl on a date, just perform a variation of your actions every hour.  It was like a Philip K. Dick theory about time loops sort of thing.  Believe me, the suggestion made sense in the dream, and it still carries a resonance in my noggin that’s difficult to convey.

Maybe it’s like true knowledge, in the sense that it must be learned and not taught.

Or maybe Brody Jenner can visit you in your dreams, in whatever capacity you prefer…

INGREDIENTS: Leftover Parmesan garlic boneless Buffalo Wild Wings.  Yum.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Monkey Magic, Monkey Doozy

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s stunts like these that explain how a chimp can all of a sudden snap and try to bite their master’s (is that the appropriate way to put it?) face off.  Speaking of Face Off, how much cooler would that movie be if it was about monkeys trying to eat Nick Cage and John Travolta’s visages.  It’d be like Outbreak meets Every Which Way But Loose… Or Most Valuable Primate meets Midnight Meat Train.

What was I talking about?

Vodpod videos no longer available. more about “Monkey Goes Apeshit“, posted with vodpod

Awful Battle… Only In Japan, Man, Only In Japan

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t know what else to say. 

Once you’ve seen a baby-faced crotch shoot a missile at a robot, a cartoon of a man drinking fresh breast milk from a human women farm, and a TV show centered around super-powered boobs (I’m not talking about NBC’s Heroes), there can only be three words left to share:

AWFUL BATTLE – GO!

Vodpod videos no longer available.  

more about “Promo trailer for upcoming TV series …“, posted with vodpod

JusWondering… Do I Have A Heart? Surprisingly, Yes

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was at my mom’s house today for some free grub, and she was was watching a rerun of Oprah.  It was a compilation of old segments that wowed and moved her (Oprah, not my ma, as far as I know), and I was regarding it without being wowed and/or moved.  Sure, Criss Angel and David Blaine can be interesting, and Terry Fator and Paul Potts’ stories are inspiring, but otherwise, meh…

Then Faith appeared (this is not the actual show footage, but you’ll get the gist of it):

Instant tears.  Let me say this: there is no amount of free food that makes my sudden outpouring of emotion worth it.  Almost no amount of food (a pepperoni pizza with Cajun crust and double cheese is a good start).

(SIDENOTE: In regard to Opie & Anthony, the third segment of the above video – I didn’t know assholes could walk on two legs.)

On the lighter side of doggy’s overcoming obstacles: