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JusWondering… A New Years Resolution Revolution!
Hurry up people of the TripleDoubleU! Hurry up people of the celeb mags and celeb shows! Our time is ticking down to put together our Best Of’s… and Top Ten’s… and New Years Resolutions’s’s’s…’s…
For me, I never quite understood what it meant to make a New Years Resolution, so I looked up the word “resolution.” According to TheFreeDictionary (since I didn’t feel like getting up to grab a real dictionary), in the middle of a bunch of words I didn’t feel like reading, this phrase popped out at me:
An explanation, as of a problem or puzzle; a solution
New Years is about solving problems?! I never knew that! Consider that my first problem solved for 2009. Or would it be my last one in 2008…?
Here’s a Best Of What Could Have Been on a Top Ten List of Problems I Will Get To the Bottom Of in 2009:
1) Why do eyelashes have to hurt so much when they get in your eye? I understand their purpose is to keep other garbage off our orbs, but this is tantamount to sleeping in a bed surrounded by swords to keep monsters away. If some dusteroid is about crash on your cornea, eyelids are your last line of defense – not barbed hairs.
Bed sores to the next level (x-treme!)
2) Why do socks come packaged in a Ziplock bag like they’re deli lunch meat? Do they go stale? Is that why feet can get stinky? Is there an expiration date I’m unaware of? (All to be resolved in 2009.)
Feet meet Meat?
3) How do you go about getting a job as a Going Out Of Business Sign Holder, or as one of those people that look through View-Masters at people holding sticks across the street? Are they employed by the store that’s closing? Are they new hires? Do they go through an agency like Bret did on “Flight of the Conchords?” And as for surveyors – what the heck are they doing out there?
She's thinking she could use a new loveseat...
4) Would sour cream sell better if it was called dairy sauce? I’m adverse to buying a cream that’s sour (it’s beside the point that I don’t like it anyway). Would people be adverse to buying a sauce with a dairy source?
Still... no thanks...
5) Why are they even still making regular billboards? Electronic ones kick ass!
I'm like a moth drawn to light... or a fat kid to candy.
6) Why, oh God why, am I better at singing Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know than Soundgarden’s Spoonman on Rock Star 2? 100% vs. 86%? I’m blaming all of Chris Cornell’s random Mmm‘s and Oh‘s. Come to think of it… why was I even singing Alanis Morissette?
Happy Find… Yes, Let Me Taste Your Tears, Or Puddin’
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always been a big brother, or if it’s simply because I’m a horrible human being… but the sight of people crying makes me smile.
Sounds like evil to me.
Obviously, I find this video hilarious:
A question of whether it’s real or not is a moot point to me. Did we wonder if Pee Wee Herman was a weirdo in real-life while we were enjoying “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure?” Well, maybe we should have before giving him a kid’s show, but it doesn’t mean he’s still not funny. Check out his episode from the first season of “30 Rock” or watch this weird bit from “Tom Goes to the Mayor:”
Drunken Recollection… 86 The ’76 Trivia, Stat!
Knowing about the following song won us a small victory at trivia last night (we took second place because I thought the movie “Poseidon” took place on Christmas rather than New Year’s).
The question in question: Name one of two songs that had the word “disco” in it that hit #1 in 1976. I swore that this song was the best option aside from “Disco Inferno” and “Disco Fever” (which I don’t even think is a real song):
Turned out I was right. Turns out the other song option was “Disco Lady” (?)
Shadoe Stevens... A Hollywood Square
Rick Dees... Weekly Top Dorky
The biggest mistake I made (aside from the upside-down boat holiday movie inquiry) was thinking the song was song by this (<–) guy:
And not this (–>) guy:
In conclusion, here’s some random 70’s awesomeness from the Midnight Special that I’m so inclined to buy on DVD (damn you infomercials and my insatiable DVD addiction!) It’s either that or the Dean Martin Variety Show.
For further trivia thrills (ha! yeah right), try to name everyone in the cast on “Futurama.” I bet you’ll miss at least two, like we did.
For further betting thrills, go to the race track.
Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin Laid An Egg
I’m having a post-Christmas meltdown at work today. It’s like acid-reflux of the soul. To express how bad I feel, I present… the worst moments in “Batman & Robin”:
JusWondering… Mothers of Invention: Necessity, Giraffes, And Crappy SUV Drivers
Keeps the giraffes out in winter, thought I as a child.
I love infomercials, and I’m not ashamed of admitting that. Considering I’m in the minority of people in this country that do not have cable or satellite TV (I technically do not have wireless Internet access either… but my neighbor does), I’m stuck with the six channels my antenna can get. When I’m getting in late from the bar, infomercials are all I have.
(Now I know digital TV broadcasting doubles if not triples my options, but I’d still rather get snowy images than blocky screen freezes and “no signal founds” until February 17th, thank you very much. And yes, I still use a VCR.)
Anyflobee, my point is this: people of America – there are still things to invent. Take this recent discovery of mine… the Twin Draft Guard. How fucking simple, yet no one until now has put pen to pad (and contacted InventHelp.com) and released it on the market.
I mean, I’ve had my share of ideas, as have my friends.
Like, for instance, um, I always wondered why gas stations didn’t have electronic signs, then boom!
Ah, remember those prices 4yrs ago... and 4wks ago...
My buddy, Jay, always thought they should have a faster way of paying for fast food, like a stick. (He loves his fast food and paying with credit cards.) Then Mobil showed up with the SpeedPass, and now more and more cards have RFID devices in them to speed things up.
Nifty vid:
I also know people who “invented” things like taco holders and glasses clips. My dad made these for our house before there was even “The Club” for cars:
Does not work on doors made of glass... trust me on this one.
My second confession on this post: I’m an idiot. On this site, I’ve already gave away restaurant ideas and movie ideas. I’m serious about the movie idea (original post here and announcement here). Here’s a humdinger I want put into production immediately: The Asshole Blaster (okay, maybe a name change is required a name change is definitely required).
The idea is as simple as the Twin Draft Guard: it’s potato gun-type device that launches sticky slimeballs with declarations on them, like DOOSH or IDYUT (this guywould totally get IDYUT). I thought of it during the recent snowfalls we had, and how people drive like physics don’t apply to their vehicle because they drive an SUV or a truck. I saw more SUV’s and trucks in ditches and up shoulders than anything else. This would be my prize slimeball for them:
N UR FACE!
Get Those Dummies Out Of Their Boxes For Boxing Day!
Jeff Dunham = douchebag
Terry Fator = genius
Bob and Chuck = still hilarious
Jeff Dunham has some of the ugliest puppets and lip disguises I’ve ever seen. How this guy gets TV specials amazes me.
Terry Fator won “America’s Got Talent” and he should be taking Dunham’s place in no time.
Bob and Luke Skywalker Chuck were one of the best things on “Soap” and this is one of his best bits.
Happy Boxing Day!
InASense, Lost… It’s Not Always A Wonderful Life! (Bummer…)
I wish I had a million dollars! No, I really mean it...
My favorite film of all time is “It’s a Wonderful Life!”
Call me maudlin, call me a tool, call me a sap (which would render me a sentimental tree tap?) Okay you can add “lame” to that list, but if you do not agree, you may need to give the flick another look.
The story of a man unknowingly fulfilling his destiny is a classic unparalleled. There are some moments so honest in the film that I wish cloning existed to give us another Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed.
The reason I bring it up today (besides the obvious Christmas ties) is to tie it to another one of two other subjects:
- The modern housing market crisis
- The belly flop of a film, “Delgo”
Yum yum for my tum... is that peanut butter mixed with mango?
For those of you unfamiliar with the independent cut-scenes from a video game film, here’s the preview:
The ties between films are as follows:
- Both were considered flops upon their initial release.
- …
Okay, there’s not much of a connection between them, and if I ever see “Delgo,” I may be hard pressed to expand that list. The biggest purpose for bringing the creepy CGI film up is because the production breaks my heart. On it’s opening weekend, the movie averaged two viewers per showing. Two.
From Yahoo:
…the making of “Delgo” has the makings of a great Hollywood underdog story. 36-year-old entrepreneur Marc Adler decided he wanted to direct and produce a $40 million computer animated kids’ flick completely independent of Tinseltown behemoths like Disney and Dreamworks.
…And when Adler couldn’t get a Hollywood studio interested in his movie, he raised eyebrows by releasing it himself through distributor-for-hire Freestyle Releasing. It was a huge risk; one that ultimately didn’t pay off. There wasn’t the sort of marketing budget needed to make a film stand out in the already crowded holiday movie season.
Okay, it doesn’t help the movie received horrible reviews, and its main stars were Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt, but–
Wait! There’s another correlation between the films:
- Sometimes the bad guys with all the money win.
Cover Your Ears! Merry Xmas From Henrietta And Merna!
I’m beginning to suspect that this cable access feature from the 90’s might have come from the archive of Michael Bay’s earlier works. Notice the quick editing and flashy zooming jump cuts. The action and the mystery never takes a break.
I’m fairly certain this inspired “Bad Boys.” Compare the clips and see for yourself.
(Henrietta’s gloriously unexpected solo courtesy of Videogum)
In My Brain While Sleeping… Watchmen Anxiety
In case you’ve been living under a rock or in a coma (which in the cases of you really being a hermit or a recently awakened patient, then I’m sorry about the sarcasm), next March may or may not be the month that “Watchmen” gets marched out (see what I did there with the, um, doubling months thing).
There’s still a lawsuit pending between Fox and Warner Bros. over the rights to the story, but little did I know how much this affected me. All night I dreamt about this movie. My brain tried to convince me it was going to be crappy, too. I saw images of the film being projected on screen as though it were still a comic book graphic novel.
It was comparable to this:
(from DarthsandDroids.com)
Or even worse, the first “Hulk” flick.
What follows at the bottom of the post is the most recent preview for “Watchmen.” It can’t be bad, can it? Like “Sin City 2” “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow 2” “The Spirit” level bad?
All I’m saying is Fox better not fuck this up for me… I don’t know if I can take more nights of tossing and turning and seeing the Comedian so sad (he’s the guy with the moustache at the start of the preview). The kicker is Fox doesn’t even want shared profits – they don’t want it released! Fox owes me for cancelling many-a-splendid shows, such as “Arrested Development,” “Firefly,” “Futurama,” “The Tick,” and “Profit.”
They sure as hell better not cancel “Watchmen.”
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