Toys

InASense, Lost… This Frightens Me To The (Quad) Core

Posted on by sgottahurt

I found this a couple of days ago when I was looking for a good picture of Leela from Futurama for this post.

— I have since been unable to shake the image from my head. —

It haunts my every waking hour, especially when I’m in front of a PC, because I’m in front of a PC every waking hour!

Not to mention, there were far worse pictures under Google for “Leela Futurama” if SafeSearch is turned off, but those images remained fleeting (probably because of desensitization).

I want to know what kind of person it takes to make a computer like this.

Scratch that.  I never want to know.

For those of you visiting the home page of this blog, I’m sparing you the image by placing it after the jump.  For those finding this post via Twitter or Facebook – I’m sorry. Read More

A Handful Of… Characters With Arm (And Hand) Appendages

Posted on by sgottahurt

With Cowboys & Aliens finally upon us, I’d like to point out something I’ve thought since the first trailer.

Doesn’t Daniel Craig’s arm weapon remind you of Leela’s arm thingee in Futurama?

"You accusin' me of poachin'?"

"Darn tootin' I do."

But then that got me thinking… there are more than a few people who have similar accessories, so I bring to you this list.  Presenting A Handful Of Characters With Arm (And Hand) Appendages!

  • Hellboy from, um, Hellboy

I hoped you wouldn't notice.

It could be a weapon; it could be his hand.  All I remember is it was bigger than his other hand.

  • Ash from Army of Darkness

Is chainsaw the past tense of chainsee?

When Ash’s hand turned evil, I’m sure he thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to him.  If he had chainseen a chainsaw hand in his future, he might not have been as upset.

  • Dr. Igoe from Innerspace

Blowtorch hand FTW.

You might not recall this movie, or this bad guy with interchangeable hands, but sadly, I will not forget one of them – dude had a dildo hand.

  • Nathan “RAD” Spencer from Bionic Commando

This is not your 8-bit commando.

I haven’t played the recent version of this classic, but the original was the shizz.

  • Mega Man from Mega Man

Mega Man has a mega hand.

Mega Man 3 was the first video game I ever beat.  Or wait… maybe it was Castlevania…

How dumb do these toys look?

I had zero interest in getting these action figures as a kid – that’s how terrible the bad guys in The Centurions toy line were.  That being said, I loved the heroes in The Centurions.  I still have my Max Ray and Jake Rockwell figures.

  • Pretty much every character from He-Man (and one from Thundercats)

Fisto - Man-At-Arms - Hammerhand - Clawful - Roboto - Trapjaw

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe were all about gimmicks and puns, and these few selected characters were pure gimmicks and puns.  Thundercats simply ripped that formula off (but the new show looks great BTW).

  • Optimus Prime from Transformers

"Autobots, can here me now?"

I’ve heard rumors that Steve Jobs got the idea for iChat from Optimus Prime.

This whole movie was basically a commercial.

This movie was ridiculous not only for its insanely obvious product placement, but for its story.  A mentally ill kid gets broken out of an insane asylum by Kevin Arnold to go to California and enter a video game competition.  Think Rain Man with Power Gloves.

  • J.P. Pruitt from Zoolander

He was a hand model, you see.

This movie is sadly forgotten by many, but I consider it a comedy classic.  There are so many zany moments, quotable lines, and crazy cameos, like David Duchovny’s above, that if you haven’t seen it, I implore you.  Implore.

HONORABLE MENTION

  • Quarterbacks in the NFL

Crib note much?

(More Than) A Handful Of… My Favorite Robot Sidekicks

Posted on by sgottahurt

Oh my circuits… this list could have went on and on and on and (you get the point).

Once, while in a very altered state, I admitted to wishing that I was a robot.  I’ve since blamed it on the alteredness of my mind, but I can’t deny one thing:

I love robots.

And I always have, ever since watching this show:

No, the Flying Robot is not trying to get Johnny Sokko. Although I do remember him as being quite annoying...

Please join me and my glorious list of (More Than) A Handful Of My Favorite Robot Sidekicks after the jump… Read More

InASense, Lost… Johnny 5? More Like Johnny Zero…

Posted on by sgottahurt

Back when Short Circuit 2 was released on VHS circa 1989, I had a vision.  As the movie ended, and Johnny 5 jumped for joy at becoming an American citizen (this did happen), I paused it.  I ran to my bedroom closet and dug out my Lego’s.  And I built.

For quite some time, this has been my pride and joy (it made my Fact Sheet for sheet’s sake)… a (non-gold plated) Johnny 5 replica:

I felt alive!

But now… now I’ve seen this:

I feel... lowly...

(more pics here)

Should I feel bad?

I was fourteen at the time, and I always planned on returning to the project.  I wanted to coordinate the colors better; I wanted to draw out the details to replicate the model; I was beginning to write a program in BASIC that would help me document those details.

So yes, I should feel bad.  All the coolest things I’ve done in my life were when I was a kid.  Before I drank beer.  This blog should be proof of that.  I think I’m going to go to bed now.  Perhaps I’ll have a bit of beer beforehand…

Happy Find… First World Problems Rap

Posted on by sgottahurt

I originally saw this kid’s spoof of Rebecca Black’s Friday, and his speech impediment was off-putting.  This video is clever enough that I could ignore that.

His choices are what make this work because they are not easy attempts at humor.  For easy attempts at humor, check out the two videos below this one (or this blog on a regular basis):

In Defense Of… Gross Things On Etsy

Posted on by sgottahurt

This should have been a Hibbidy-Wah?! post.  This could have been a JusWondering, or part of an Awful Battle, or something from InASense, Lost, but the thought crossed my mind to defend it.

WHY DID I EVER CONSIDER DEFENDING THIS?!

(images after the jump as not to offend the casual viewer… Facebookers and Twitterers, I’m sorry… it’s too late…)

Read More

In My Brain While Sleeping… Toy Story 4

Posted on by sgottahurt

Could it be true?  A real Toy Story 4?  I wonder if it will be anywhere as existential as this dream I had.

To start, all of the beloved characters from all three movies were all together in a store in their original packaging.

Kinda like this. Or exactly.

What became apparent was that all of the Buzz Lightyears were not alive, but only one.  This was the same with the whole gang.  As they worked on escaping their prisons, they soon realized their spirits could shift from one figure to the next.

Kinda like this. Or exactly.

Tim Allen made a guest appearance at this point to explain things to them.

Exactly not like this.

This is along the lines of what he said:

Your souls are not restricted to just the action figures or dolls that you are.  You can take over any form of yourself.

So then they all transferred their spirits to the balloons bearing their likenesses.  Tim Allen was gracious enough to take all their balloons through the front door and let them roam free.  Buzz asked to be held onto a moment longer to share a special goodbye.

Buzz: So this is it?

Tim: Yes, Buzz.  It’s time to go.

Buzz: Okay, Tim.  To infinity…

Tim: …and beyond.

Then he let the balloon go.  But the dream didn’t end there.

My “brain-camera” pulled back into the store and shifted over to another aisle.

The aisle with Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Star Wars.

And they were alive, too.

In Defense Of… Michael Bay

Posted on by sgottahurt

This might be the hardest one yet.  (Why do I have a feeling that will always be the feeling?)

I’m about speak In Defense Of…

Michael. Fucking. Bay.

"I get bold, italics, underlining, periods, and fucking? Boom goes the dynamite... and everything else!"

I didn’t think I’d get here so soon, but it’s befitting since Transformers: Dark of the Moon is finally here.  I haven’t seen it yet, but moron more on that soon.

Where can I begin my defense?

  • He’s certainly has a knack for creating great visual spectacles. 

But that argument can be countered by pointing out how shaky the fight scenes were in the first two Transformers films, or how explosions stand in for plot progression.  Another issue is his childish – nay – infantile sense of humor that leaks through into his films (peeing robots and robots with balls, for example).

  • People really like his movies.

Do they?  Do they really?  Or is it the spectacle as mentioned above. Let’s run through his catalog real quick, accompanied by Rotten Tomatoes’ aggregated ratings:

  1. Bad Boys (43%)
  2. The Rock (67%)
  3. Armageddon (40%)
  4. Pearl Harbor (25%)
  5. Bad Boys II (23%)
  6. The Island (40%)
  7. Transformers (57%)
  8. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (20%)
  9. Transformers: Dark of the Moon (37%)

How many are technically great movies?  The Rock?  How much of that was due to Nick Cage, Sean Connery, and Ed Harris, though?

And don’t get me started with his production company, Platinum Dunes.  They’re responsible for most of the crappy horror film remakes that have come out in the last eight years.  So no… it’s not that people really like his movies.

  • People really like going to his movies.

He’s the eighth highest domestic grossing director up to 2009 for a reason.   Hell, I have to admit I’ve seen every single one of those movies above at the theater except the latest one, and I can’t wait to see it this weekend!  It looks like the special effects are really cleaned up, and I’ll be able to tell what the Transformers are doing!  I’m probably even going to pay extra to see 3D, and I typically hate 3D!

I know I’ve talked shit about him many times before, and I probably will in the future, but my biggest defense for him is that he gets people to the theaters.  That’s his job and he does it well.  Once we’re there, well, that’s a different story about story and content.  But I’m usually content.  I don’t hate his films with the same ferocity I unleash on Brett Ratner’s greasy prints or  M. Night Shyamalan’s twit-twisters (I avoid their films like the plague).

  • Above all else, Michael Bay is a skilled, technical filmmaker.

Being a flawed storyteller doesn’t make him bad.  If that was the case, I’d bitch about Tim Burton more often.

(SIDENOTE: If I can’t get convince you with any of the above, then you should know this.  When he was a kid, he donated all his Bar Mitzvah money to a local animal shelter.  That’s something.)

Musical Musings… Randy Newman Could Have Been In Coldplay

Posted on by sgottahurt

Their skin tones don't match.

My sister was recently listening to this song on Sirius XM and it suddenly occurred to her that Coldplay’s front man, Chris Martin, kinda sounds like Randy Newman.

Here’s the song in question, Everything’s Not Lost:

Now here’s Randy Newman’s Losing You (ha!) from Toy Story 3:

My concern over her revelation is that the two will be forever connected in my mind, like that picture above.  Just like when I realized Shakira sings a lot like Kermit the Frog…

Their skin tones don't match, either.