Intoxication

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? I’m Late To The Party On These

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sometimes I notice things in this world that I plan to share with you, but I quickly forget.  These are some Coinkydinks or Coinkydonks that I almost forgot about.  Lucky you it was only almost.

ITEM #1 – THE BREA GRANT CONNECTION

That smirk seems permanent.

Brea Grant may not be a well-known face (or even known at all), but the moment she appeared early in the sixth season of Showtime’s Dexter, I recognized her.  I didn’t know what from, so I investigated.  Turned out, she also starred in NBC’s Heroes during its third season.  I tried to forget that awful show, and thus, I forgot her.  Now here’s the Coinkydink (or Coinkydonk)…

She starred alongside Actor! Masi Oka on Heroes, and alongside character (Vince) Masuka on Dexter.

It’s a little weird, right?  No, not really?  Okay then, moving on.

ITEM #2 – STOP SHOUTING!

I’ve noticed that The General Insurance must be doing pretty good, because their graphics have been getting better and better.  As for the concepts…?

Does this woman’s “hiya’s” sound familiar to you?

Because to me, I’m reminded of Link’s sidekick, Navi, form The Legend of Zelda – A Link to the Past:

You don’t hear it?  All right, how about this last one.

ITEM #3 – ROBOTS AND ALCOHOL DON’T MIX

Here’s the party I was late to… I love robots, but I couldn’t stand it when Heineken had this atrocity of an ad for an atrocity of a product (the keg can):

So it amazes me that Svedka Vodka could one-up their craptacular idea:

If that’s the future of alcohol, color me sober.

Drunken Recollection… Someone Else’s Insight

Posted on by sgottahurt

I didn’t compose this graphic – my cousin Steve did.  It pertains to, well, a lot about life, and I find it brilliant:

(Not So) Artistic Representation (Not Done By Me)

My favorite is:

…being far from sea level…

Punch Drunken Recollection… Honey Badger Don’t Care!

Posted on by sgottahurt

On my recent trip to New York to watch the Yankees get rained out before beating the Detroit Tigers the next day, we stopped in DuBois, Pennsylvania for the night.  We were so over-tired and wired from the drive, we decided we needed to get some drinks to relax us enough to get some sleep.

Anybooze, we stopped at Eastside Sports Bar…

They were playing Reel Big Fish's "Beer" so it felt like a safe place to be... at least the beer was cheap.

…and purchased as many beers as we could on site, as well as plenty to go.

What does that have to do with anything?  Well, it was on this night that I saw this video for the first time:

And now the badass honey badger has gone mainstream:

Oh, and for the record…  a fight broke out within fifteen minutes of us being at that bar, and like the honey badger, I didn’t give a shit.

Drunken Recollection… Take Me Out Of This Ballgame

Posted on by sgottahurt

Want to know how to fuck with drunk people at a baseball game?

Here’s three things that worked the crowd into a frenzy during my last regular season attendance at a Detroit Tigers’ game, which in turn, sort of drove me crazy:

1) Send Out Your Mascot

Stripes are solid.

I couldn’t believe how many people were tripping over themselves to get a picture with Paws, the Tigers mascot.  And whoever was in that suit was so nice!  No request was denied.  It probably helped that it wasn’t too hot out…

2) Make It Rain Money

It's raining men!

Some smart-ass seated above our section thought it was a great idea to throw $1 bills down every once in a while.  And it was.  People went ape-shit crazy for just a dollar.  But then again, that’s an easy McDouble after the game…

(SIDENOTE: So it wasn’t as much raining money, as it was feeling drops.)

3) Have Robocop Sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”

Okay, so it was the guy that played Robocop...

I’ve been waiting to write this post in the hopes that a video of Peter Weller singing during the seventh-inning stretch might pop up, but alas, it has not.  So here’s this instead:

 

Drunken Recollection… Legally Declaring Idiots

Posted on by sgottahurt

monkeyBLOGmonkeyDUNCE

The in’s and the out’s leading up to the development of this, um, development are lost to me, but the concept is simple:

If you get caught doing something stupid, you could be legally declared an idiot.

Now keep this in mind – being legally declared an idiot isn’t the same as being a legal idiot.  There would be no governmental aid or outside assistance.  It’s meant to be more like a scarlet letter, or a dunce cap.  On your driver’s license, or any other permanent record, the word IDIOT would be branded next your name.  Anyone you would date or hire you would know that you’ve done at least one thing stupid.

So what kind of stupid things would get you legally declared an idiot?

  • …
  • …
  • …hmm…

I’ll leave this one up to the lawmakers…

…no need to make a fool (or an idiot) of myself.

But if you have ideas, leave a comment!

Drunken Recollection… The Big Potato

Posted on by sgottahurt

It was a strange day…

To begin, it was a Wednesday, and I was supposed to work.  How this differs from any other day, I’m not sure.

On Tuesday, my boss/friend Paul mentioned that our TripleDoubleU provider invited us to the Detroit Tigers’ afternoon game against the Kansas City Royals, but I’d have to go pick them up from our contact’s office.  When I arrived within the allotted fifteen minute window he gave for me to collect them, the guy that answered the door never heard of my contact.  Turns out, there were two different departments, and our contact was running late.  Once I met with him, his boss didn’t leave him enough tickets.

So on Wednesday, I’m supposed to meet someone outside of– good gravy this is boring.  Let me jump to the chase chance.

For some reason, I was compelled to take this picture at the end of the game while closer Jose Valverde was pitching:

We were seated near the bullpen and foul pole in left field.

Chris (my friend and coworker) asked why I took the picture, and I told him I didn’t know.

That night, I wasn’t going to play trivia, but another friend begged me so I went.  In the midst of the quizfest, it was announced Jose Valverde would be arriving at the bar soon for autographs.  I thought:

Too bad I didn’t have anything for him to sign.

Then I remembered that I kept my game ticket, which I usually throw out after the game unless I’m going to a strip club.  They were replaying the game at the same time as he arrived (this outing happened to be his 40th consecutive save without a loss… he’s currently at 41).  So this is what followed:

(P.S. We also won $30 at trivia…)

Drunken Recollection… Boozed Moodiness

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a fucking shitty song.

But it’s perfect.

When drunk.

And it’s raining.

With certain things clouding my mind.

Which could just be the beer.

And maybe nostalgia.

Probably beer.

The Sh– To Getting Sh–ty? Keith Stone And His Smoothness Limits

Posted on by sgottahurt

Upon the first time seeing this Keystone Light beer commercial, I knew the ad campaign had found a hero to compare with Dos Equis’ Most Interesting Man in the World.  He was sort of the anti-thesis; the everyman that any man could be… if he drank Keystone Light.

What followed, upped his “always smooth” quotient into undeniable levels:

(In this next one, his smoothness is legit as The Shit… at least as much as a roller rink provides room to be.)

But although this latest commercial originally made me laugh, it’s been bothering me more and more upon each repeated viewing:

I don’t mind Brian, or the fact he wears no arm protection. I even like the continued use of the cougar-growl since the rollerskating commercial. Because that’s all smooth. But the magical fire? It’s a shortcut and a means to an end, but it could be a dangerous sign of things to come.

The Most Interesting Man in the World works because it’s absurdly clever; The Man Your Man Could Smell Like works because it’s cleverly absurd.  Always Smooth Keith Stone exists somewhere in the middle, shy of too absurd.

Here’s an appearance in a Funny or Die video that doesn’t help the situation (mostly because it’s more Die than Funny):

Drunken Recollection… The Case Of Two Santa Mummies!

Posted on by sgottahurt

There’s something fishy going on here, and it begins with this guy:

Yes, that says, "Santa's all stuffing and bones."

This was one of my favorite stories from my time spent living in Los Angeles, but now, it has elevated to simply one of my favorite stories.

(SIDENOTE: As a young writer, I remember reading many how-to articles about recycling your material to different papers.  At the time, I couldn’t see how that was possible.  Now?  Lesson learned.)

Anyhohoho, around Christmas of 1997, a pair of my friends came to visit, and they discovered an unbelievable article in New Times Los Angeles.  Here’s an excerpt (the sideways PDF of the article is after the jump, as well as what TV shows were being filmed at NBC in ’97, and a BONUS strange Detroit-centric article):

“I’ve been passing by this Santa, watching him do his little wave thing since I was a kid,” one officer, who asks not to be identified, says. “It wasn’t an easy thing to take, seeing the arm with that bone coming out and thinking there’s a real person in there. Lots of us, I think, really had a lot of affection for him, and to consider having to unplug him, stop the waving, take off that nice red suit and open him up to, well . . . no one wants to think of the Slacks n’ Such Santa as human remains.”

Crazy, right?  I’ve told people about this Santa Claus mummy for fourteen years.  And thankfully, while drunk at a one year old’s birthday party, when this tale was brought up again, my friend revealed he kept the article!  So over the next few days of all three of us emailing back and forth, a new light was shed upon the subject.

The author of The Case of the Disarming Santa, Peter Gilstrap, wrote the exact same article for New Times Phoenix one year earlier!  (To read the full article easier, click here.)

All the names and places remain exactly the same, except for the specific mentions of the individual cities.

So is the story real?

If I look up Laird Avenue, which is mentioned in both stories, what do I find?

How about any history of the store in front of which the Christmas corpse was found?

That sunovabitch double-dipped.  And he tricked all three of us hook, line, and chimney.  Can I blame him for spreading his own urban legend?  Not at all.  I wasn’t local.  I had no fond memories of any mechanical Santa Claus displays.  But I do have to applaud the audacity it took to try to pass the same story off in two cities it likely never occurred in.

It’s a regular fucking Christmas miracle…

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InASense, Lost… Johnny 5? More Like Johnny Zero…

Posted on by sgottahurt

Back when Short Circuit 2 was released on VHS circa 1989, I had a vision.  As the movie ended, and Johnny 5 jumped for joy at becoming an American citizen (this did happen), I paused it.  I ran to my bedroom closet and dug out my Lego’s.  And I built.

For quite some time, this has been my pride and joy (it made my Fact Sheet for sheet’s sake)… a (non-gold plated) Johnny 5 replica:

I felt alive!

But now… now I’ve seen this:

I feel... lowly...

(more pics here)

Should I feel bad?

I was fourteen at the time, and I always planned on returning to the project.  I wanted to coordinate the colors better; I wanted to draw out the details to replicate the model; I was beginning to write a program in BASIC that would help me document those details.

So yes, I should feel bad.  All the coolest things I’ve done in my life were when I was a kid.  Before I drank beer.  This blog should be proof of that.  I think I’m going to go to bed now.  Perhaps I’ll have a bit of beer beforehand…