Intoxication

JusWondering… Can “Demolition Man” Be Right About Taco Bell?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Tacotacotacotacotacotacotaco Bell, Ding Ding!

Tacotacotacotacotacotacotaco Bell, Ding Ding!

For some people, getting recognized at any local establishment might be embarrassing.  For me, it’s something I strive for.  I like being a regular.  I enjoy the “Norm”-factor. On the bar scene, it’s great.  At a Taco Bell?  I might have to admit that I have a spicy meat and waxy cheese problem.

It occurred this past week when I got to the window.  The attendant remembered me and joked that my soda had “extra ice, just how you like it.”  Simply because I always order a #8 soft shell with a Mt. Dew no ice, and I have my four dollars and two cents in exact change, that doesn’t make me an addict.  And even if it does, it’s not my fault.  It’s because all those other asshole places don’t have as winning a strategy as my beloved Taco Bell.

  • First off: very few joints have my Spruce Juice.  It’s a Pepsi product, and since Coke is uber-global, the only other place I can Do the Dew is at KFC or Quizno’s. 
  • Second off: it’s a matter of price.  If I don’t go the soda route at the drive-thru (because I’m already packing), how can you beat $2.52 for a meal?  Well, except for a double dose of Mickey D’s double-cheeseburgers.  (Really, they should be cheese doubleburgers, right?)  Still, a meal and a drink for $4.02?  Zno’s and KuFCa are like MC Hammer in that “They do want they wanna do, say what they wanna say, live how they wanna live, play how they wanna play, dance how they wanna dance, kick and they slap a friend…” (Oh!  You thought it was going to be “They can’t touch this!”  That would have been better.)
  • Third off (a.k.a. the Bra-Layer, whereas the first would be shirt, and the second would be pants): the meat is a crap shoot.  Wait – that sounds terrible.  What I mean is, sometimes you might get jacked on the amount of beef or cheese you get, and sometimes you get hooked the f up.  It mixes gambling and eating and I like it!

All in all, I’m down with TB.  And I don’t care if I’m a regular.  I’ll be happy if it wins the “Franchise Wars.”  Now if you’ll excuse me – I just finished eating some Grande Soft Tacos and I have to go poop.

A Pathname Less Traveled Is Less Traveled For A Reason

Posted on by sgottahurt

So let me get this straight... you cannot even drink beer?

So let me get this straight... you cannot even drink beer?

You know what… I’m kind of digging this blog thing.  I’m thinking about asking my site if she wants to go steady.  I already have the promise ring, and my letter sweater is sure to keep her warm on cold nights when we go walking in the moonlight, my arm over her shoulder, my hand feeling her up.  And I’m serious about it too.  How can I prove it?  These are some sites I wanted to start, but I’m cutting off communication with them immediately, even though I heard they do put out on the first post:

Site: DiatribalDance.com
Slogan: Another Way of Saying Hissy Fit
Purpose: An outlet to bitch and moan about things other people quite frankly could care less about. I’ve decided that’s what this site is for.  And I’m sure you could care less.

Site: AppleJuiceStains.com
Slogan: Porn Reviews In Fifteen Minute Intervals
Purpose: To make money… and have an excuse for watching a ton of porn.  The reason why I abandoned this concept is simple – I didn’t want to embark down that path.  That path being having to watch the entire DVD.

Site: NoonAtNight.com
Slogan: Munching at Midnight like a Mischievous Mogwai
Purpose: Who the hell knows?  But isn’t Gizmo so cute?

InASense, Lost… Vodka Tampons And Butt Beer Bongs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Chalk this one up in the category of “now I’ve seen everything.”  Necessity is the mother f-er of invention, and leave it to the people of this day and age to come up with this (or the children and kids, as the lead idiot doctor puts it):

Vodpod videos no longer available.

 

 

Now, aside from the fact that this may or may not be something new to the scene, one aspect of consideration remains: Stupidly, who gave these stupid doctors a show?  (<— In reference to random ethnic lady doc’s double vag comment… hilarious!  No?  Oh, well.)

One of my friends from back in the day, John, put it best.  At a Halloween party on U of M’s campus, one of our mutual friend’s roommates – who was a space aeronautics and astrophysics student, mind you – decided to streak around the block.  John’s observation: “I guess it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to be a rocket scientist.”  Check and mate!

(via Best Week Ever)

Drunken Recollection… Drinking Math Sucks!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Now with more granite!

Now with more granite!

Okay… I feel like I’m at full steam again.  It’s not like I haven’t drank ten pounds of beer before, but at age 33, I might as well be drinking Quikrete.  Actually, I don’t even think it’s so much of an age thing, or an amount of food eaten thing.  It comes down to a timetable.

In Chicago – 12 lbs. beer / 8 hrs = ah, who cares… I was going to make a big math post about drinking and yada yada… Since it’s already boring me, I’ll shift gears and chat about dead people jewelry.

Did you know you can turn the ashes of a loved one (already deceased preferable) into a diamond?  How crazy is that?  I mean, I guess it make more sense than keeping an urn on the fireplace mantle, but still.

It may seem insensitive (probably because it is), but I wonder what other kinds of memorabilia could fashioned out of cremated remains:

Maybe a Japanese Zen Garden.  How about a fingerprinting kit (human carbon has to be a lot safer than asbestos).  Then there’s always an idea like Litter Critters…

Why Do I Get Butterflies In My Stomach Whenever I See Chris Elliott? (Some Kind Of Answer Below)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m nursing a bit of a ‘gover right now (y’know… shorthand for hangover), so I’m going to roll these out as best as I can.

First order up – Chris Elliott has a daughter, Abby.  Now it’s not weird that this guy has daughter:

And it’s not weird that I’m very attracted to her (her impersonation of Kirsten Dunst):

What is weird is there is a family resemblance…  Maybe that explains why I’ve been dreaming about Chris Elliott for all these years…

Anywhopper, the point of this post is that Abby is joining the cast of Saturday Night Live, as well as Michaela Watkins.  If any of Chris Elliott’s knack for oddball comedy has rubbed off on her (wait, that sounds gross), then SNL will be that much better for having her (and much easier on the eyes… goodbye crush on Kristen Wiig!)

The only good thing to come out of five “Scary Movies”:

Kiss My Glass (J/K… You Really Should Recycle)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Knowing my cousin, Steve, and his friends, they maaay have been drunk when they made this commercial for one of his classes.  But then again, his classmates might not be his friends, and therefore they weren’t drunk.  Either way, I think they did a smashing job.  (Ha!  It’s about recycling glass!)

They’re in a contest against other students to get the most hits on YouTube.  This is me trying to help out.  That makes me a winner!

Drunken Recollection… Grade School Crushologue

Posted on by sgottahurt

Take a step into the barley and hops time machine with, while I recount my early crushes… in poem – I mean, rap:

Trini Alvarado in Altman’s “Rich Kids”/ 
Young Madison in “Splash” when they were just kids/
Princess Leia ridin’ on Jabba’s dirt skiff/
New Leave It to Beaver’s niece, Kaleena Kiff/
Got a little older with Mathilda May/
F-ed up in the head, crushin’ on Lady Jaye/
Jami Gertz was sure one hot Solarbaby/
Kim Cattrall was a doll from Egypt, baby/
Babysit with that babe, Elisabeth Shue/
Debbie Gibson brought love from outta the blue/
Amanda Peterson learned that love is free/
Brooke Theiss… Jamie Luner… how ’bout just us three/
Amy Dolenz is da bomb outta control/
…Still a little f-ed up for diggin’ Ariel…

(I tried to find pictures of them all, but I decided Google image searching kids might not be a smart idea.)

Drunken Recollection… Instant Hangover TV

Posted on by sgottahurt

First, turn off the sound to this video.  It’s completely irrelevant to the experience (and that’s how I originally saw it).  Now pretend you’re bombed:

I was at one of my local hangouts, pounding back a few ol’ El Millerlitos, when this damn CNBC show caught my eye on the table’s flat screen.  It wasn’t this particular segment, but what I bore witness to was a brain derailment.  She was pretty enough on her own (she being Carmen Wong-Ulrich, a.k.a. The Great American Mixing Pot), but what happens at the 1:10 mark persisted for what seemed like ten minutes.  At the time of the inebriation, I sat in stunned disbelief and nausea because I couldn’t tell if the camera was moving or the background.  And what’s with the insane amount of jarring cuts!

Might be fun to watch high, though…

Drunken Recollection… Does Marijuana Have Stem Cells?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Aristotle Adobe? Socraterra Cotta!

Aristotle Adobe? Socraterra Cotta!

Group time is philosophy time for me… pure and simple.  That’s how the Greeks did it (I presume their poison might have been strapping young lads); that’s how the Beats did it (they sure loved their opiates); and for me – it’s the bar and the beer.

In Michigan, Proposals 1 and 2 both passed, and while the legalization of marijuana for medical use gets a fair poke with the jokes, it was the stem cell research that started the rant.  (Okay, none of this is really philosophizing… maybe it’s hypothesizing… or “making shit up”…)

Anyweed, I launched a tangent about where I see the research going.  I mean, when I was young lad playing with Play-Doh (wait – what?), I didn’t expect things like corrective eye surgery, tendon replacements, or cloning to ever be possible.  After all, could cowboys imagine TV?

I know the tests so far haven’t provided anything as spectacular as regrowing hair in bald spots or reconnecting injured spinal cords (I’m not weighing these examples as the same, at all… yes I am).  But in time, these leaps in medicine may happen.  Things like head/brain transplants could be as common as corrective eye surgery.

The flip-side, of course, is the mad scientist aspect – that things like head/brain transplants could be as common as corrective eye surgery.  Will individuals be able to personalize themselves with the genetic equivalent of tattoos and piercings (“hey, check out my back ears”)?  I still feel we’ll know there’s been progress when we see a headline akin to this: “Scientists Accidentally Give Test Subject Vision… Via His Penis.” 

The upside to that scenario is you could tuck a video iPod in your drawers and watch a movie while at work… sorry ladies.  Although you already do have the magic bullet… and I’m not talking about the blender.

Watchin’ The Game… Havin’ A Bummer

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve refrained from getting into political discourse on this page because there are far better blogs on WordPress for that (such as Mudflats and Margaret and Helen for example).  But this I found via BlackSpin and I’m sure it will soon be everywhere.  Ladies and gents I present to you: The Wassup Guys from the Budweiser commercials – Eight Years Later.

For memories of better times.

Ironically, Shelley Malil (Chad, the tennis guy from this Bud commercial), fared no better in the last eight years.

Wow… this is some bummerific junx.  To clean the palette: