Intoxication

Can I Get A Pair Of Those Rose-Colored Glasses?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Not her.

Not her.

Not me.

Not me.

My friends have a friend that lives in a world the likes of which none of us has ever seen. 

In this world, she looks like Drew Barrymore (she does not), I look like Christian Slater (I do not), and everyone around her is lucky to be around her. 

Why this diatribe now when I’ve despised her for so long?  Because she may have cost my Trivia Team instant entry into our seasonal tournament.  (More on that nerdery to follow.)

There’s a things about Jerkica you need to know (I disguised her name for her protection, although she might still find this post flattering).  My last extended encounter with her occurred at her wedding.  These are some highlights:

  • She invited the woman she allowed her husband to have an affair with to her wedding.  This woman hung all over her husband the entire night.  Uncomfortable: check!  Strange: double-check!
  • People weren’t really dancing to her music selection.  Once the crowd started getting into it, they put in requests to the DJ for things like Elvis and the Beatles.  This kept them on the dance floor, but the bride was sure to put a stop to it.  “Those songs were not on my play list!  That’s not what I’m paying you to play!”  Coincidentally, people stopped dancing.
  • It was that special time of the month for her, which is no excuse for her behavior.  But the fact-of-the-matter is she made her bridesmaid change out her tampon – the same bridesmaid she forbade to drink because she was making her drive the groom and her home, and otherwise bossed around the entire night.  Ironically, the DJ played old rag time music while this occurred.
  • The camera man came around to ask our table to say a few things.  I commented that none of them would be nice, and he lost it.  He simply cracked up.  I told him to talk to the DJ.
  • Some random people wandered into the reception to dance, as guests happen to do when halls are connected.  Like the place had trip wires, she shot across the dance floor and kicked them out.  Later, I heard her complaining to a member of the staff.  “My party was so great, I had to get rid of strangers that were trying to enter.”
  • She took nude pictures of herself and mixed them in with her wedding pictures, which she then sent out to EVERYBODY.

Deep breaths and relax.  Simply put – I can’t stand her.  I’ve been happy to not hear or see from her in a very long time.  It’s not that she has ever done anything directly to me; it’s what she’s said and done to my friends.  But now she’s broken that fourth wall.  She stopped by my friends’ house and prevented them from going to trivia, thus hindering them from getting precious points we need to secure our spot in the tournament.

I’d still dry-hump the hell out of her though.

With these glasses, the economy is looking up!

With these glasses, the economy is looking up!

(More people I’ve been told I look like after the jump.)

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JusWondering… Is Mark Hamill Playing Bob Costas?

Posted on by sgottahurt

When I was watching any football game but the Lions this weekend, I couldn’t help but notice announcer Bob Costas was beginning to look like a certain Jedi Knight.

Trust me - watch NBC Sports

Trust me - watch NBC Sports

Throw a little Botox into Mark Hamill’s visage, and he could be playing the guy giving the play-by-plays (or at least his analysis thereof).

…Or maybe I was just drinking too much this weekend.

Batter up!

Batter up!

Drunken Recollection… Things Learned Over Thanksgiving Weekend

Posted on by sgottahurt

Thanksgiving weekend has come and gone, as has all the turkey (et. al.) through me.  With this in mind, I shall impart onto you the various things that I learned over the past four days.

1) There is something called The Amazing Plant Lamp.  As the website proclaims:

The only lamp of its kind where you quickly touch the live plant to turn it on and off or hold a leaf and it works as a dimmer.

Ain’t that the bees knees!  Just stick the Amazing Plant Lamp kit in any plant and voila!

2) Raisins are forcibly put into too many things, like cinnamon bread and puddings.  I usually don’t eat any of these foods anyway, but I can relate because of how common it is for bakers to put nuts in fudge brownies (that could be taken out of context)!  Enough!  I want choices!

(SIDE NOTE: I used to like Fig Newtons as a kid because I thought it was some kind of weird tasting chocolate.  Then I learned and thus hated them.)

3) Chocotinis have zero alcohol content, despite what anyone else might claim.  My sister was pulled over for having non-working turn signals.  She was nervous and forgot her alphabet.  The cop made her do the random balance tests and the such, then he gave her a Breathalyzer test.  She blew zero.  Case closed!

4) You can break the bottom off a beer bottle with water and a hand slap.  Basically, take an empty bottle (in this case, it was Coors Light), fill it halfway with water, hold the neck in one hand, and slam the palm of your other hand on the bottle’s mouth.  The bottom drops out from the instant air pressure, I guess.  Apparently, beer has more shock absorption.

5) My cousin Steve might be a diabolical genius.  In discussing the biggest insults one man could make against another (backhanding was #3… spitting in face was #2… we didn’t go beyond what’s to follow), he declared the greatest coup, the most humiliating attack, the most degrading defeat, the biggest insult to be ever perpetrated in the world would be this – to tickle a man in front of his family.  Right in front of his wife, his children, and his dog.  Tickled to the point of tears and uncontrollable laughter.  It’s guaranteed that after the giggles were through, he’d pack up his things and walk out the door, not saying a word, not making any eye contact, swearing to himself to never return again, and all this would be understood.  Out of humiliation he’d still support the family, though thousands of miles away.  And his family could become your family.

6) As a kid, I watched WXYZ Channel 7 way more than I realized, because they had a special on about their past 60 years, and I got choked up.  Stupid nostalgia…

7) I would put that the Detroit Lions suck, but I already knew that.

I Am Thankful For… Beer

Posted on by sgottahurt

Me wantee

Me wantee

What color would my urine be?

What color would my urine be?

It is Thanksgiving and what better day to give thanks to the greatest gift of all… beer.  And not just any beer – all beers (which I guess technically is any beer… no, any is not all-inclusive… you almost got me, inner dialogue… but doesn’t dialogue suggests two… do I have two voices in my head?)

Anyhasenfefferincorporated, back to the beer.  I was thinking about my early days of drinking, and how my initial inclination toward “better tasting drinks” shifted toward “cheaper drinks.”

In the early Canada/Impress-Hooters-Waitresses phase, I was all about Labatt Blue.  As I immatured, the pocketbook gave way to Bud Light.  (“So you’re telling me Labatt’s a buck more because it’s imported?  From Canada?  Which is next door to Detroit?”)  Then as my friends’ digestive systems could no longer tolerate BL, we’ve since moved onto Miller Lite.  (I’m a stalwart trailblazer that bucks the trends and divines my own path!)

Truth is, my beer is whatever’s on special that night.  Corona, American Ale, PBR, Michelob, Coors – no pickiness here.  It’s probably the only thing I’m not picky about, and for that I’m the most thankful of all.

Me

I don't know these people, but I do know their passion... no, not for each other... ah, forget it

Drunken Recollection… In Defense Of Jar Jar Binks

Posted on by sgottahurt

Where's a wampa when you need one?

Where's a wampa when you need one?

Jar Jar Binks was the beginning and the end of “Star Wars” for most.  It was the clearest sign that George Lucas had lost his damned mind, and the pandering to kids that began with the Ewoks in “Return of the Jedi” (which was fine when I was a kid), had spiraled out of control.  And it wasn’t just the fans that thought this.

According to Wikipedia:

Additionally, Rob Coleman, who was the lead on the Industrial Light & Magic animation team, warned Lucas that there was concern among the team that the character of Jar Jar was coming across poorly for the team and how the character was to be projected. Lucas told him that he especially put Jar Jar in the film to appeal to small children. After that, the issue was dropped.

So after all is said and done – why would I choose to defend Jar Jar?  As he is, I can say nothing.  But of what he could have been – I have to say this.

I believe in George Lucas’ out-of-touch brain, he had grander plans for Jar Jar, besides having him be at fault for giving Palpatine power in Episode II (heaven help me for writing this… all of this.)  I think it was the fan backlash that shrunk Jar Jar’s role.

Even if he didn’t have better intentions for Jar Jar, I believe the series would have benefited from having a permanent sidekick for Anakin.  Jar Jar, the simple creature he was, could have been used to contrast how far into darkness Anakin decended.  Jar Jar could have been his confidant when he Obi-Wan pissed him off.  Jar Jar could have ran interference to distract others when Anakin was hooking up with Amidala.  Then, when the moment arrived where Anakin had chosen his destiny… when he wiped out all those little Jedi kids… how much more powerful would it have been for Anakin’s best bud to walk in and catch him doing such horrible things?  Anakin, realizing how far he has fallen, would then lash out and destroy the mirror of his lost innocence – Jar Jar.

Especially after what Jar Jar would probably have said: “Ani, whatsa yooza doin?”

(If you’re brave enough, there’s a pic of the hotness that is me after jump…)

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More InASense, Lost… Beer For Kids

Posted on by sgottahurt

Okay, this is in Japan, but still…

Actually, maybe selling alcoholism is better than selling sluttiness because you know how drunk girls can get!  Heh heh…

I’m going back to bed.  See you next year.

Here’s a special seasonal one:

If The Hoff Can Unite Two Countries, What Can I Do?

Posted on by sgottahurt

A recent discussion at the bar prompted an exchange about what song can get a random alcoholic’s head bopping (and sometimes, toe tapping).  I proposed this ditty (not to be confused with Diddy, who as yet, has not sampled this song):

Another person at the bar whole-heartedly disagreed and brought up this tune as the great anthem:

RUFKM?  I barely remembered that song (although one can never forget David Hasselhoffmeister).  I argued it couldn’t qualify as a head bopping, toe tapper.  He had to remind me of this:
(Continued after the jump) Read More

Mental Illness As Defined By Female Characters In Superhero Films (A Drunken Recollection/JusWondering Joint)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I have a friend that, as another of my friends pointed out (who is also friends with him), suffers from Mary Jane Watson Syndrome.

“Mary Jane Watson Syndrome?” you may ask.  “That’s not in the DSM-IV.”

You’d be the wrong kind of nerd for asking that question, but it is true.  The Mary Jane Watson Syndrome, as explained by my friend (about my other friend):

He likes to make people think he’s doing better than he’s actually doing, because it’s too embarrassing.  Like in the first “Spider-Man” film, when Mary Jane runs into Peter for the first time in New York, and she tells him all the wonderful things she’s accomplished.  Then the short order chef comes out and exposes her lie…

It’s the Mary Jane Watson Syndrome.

Poignant, geeky, and spot-on, for sure.  But it got me wondering – are there other conditions that could be defined by the ladies in superhero films?  I mean, they typically aren’t written as the most stalwart of women.  Otherwise, who would be left for the hero to save if there were no damsels in distress?

(more after the jump) Read More

In My Brain While Sleeping… Russell Simmons’ New Game Show

Posted on by sgottahurt

Russell Simmons had a cast of about fifty people from all kinds of ethnic backgrounds for his new game show – “Yellow & Blue Make Green.”  We were all outside of the set, and questions were brewing amongst the potential contestants.

“Do you think green means environmental, or do you think green mean money?”

The warehouse doors opened to allow entrance.  Inside resembled a Nickelodeon show like “Double Dare.”  There were shelves containing yellow liquids and blue liquids.  Some had yellow clay and blue clay.  Yellow paint and blue paint.  Yellow pudding and blue pudding.

I was curious.  In between each of the pairs of substances existed one green colored combination of the two. 

“I’ll bet we’re supposed to compete by mixing these and whomever gets closest to that color the fastest wins.”

Russell finally greeted us all and lead us into another area of the warehouse that looked more like a store.  He picked ten people of which I was one, and sent the rest into the green room.

He said the first person to bring him a green balloon would win, but he didn’t say what they’d win.  As everyone tried to combine yellow and blue balloons, I found a green one and brought it to Russell.  He said I get to chose the fate of someone in the green room.  I asked in what way, and he said whatever I thought that meant.

I decided to let everyone play, and he said that meant everyone won!

“Money?” I asked.  He shook his head.  “Environmental awareness?”  Again he shook his head.

“Harmony,” he responded.

INGREDIENTS: eleven bottles of Miller Lite, thirty combination pizza rolls, and three spoon fulls of large curd cottage cheese… yum!

Here’s Some Tasty Competition, Taco Bell! (I Still <3 U)

Posted on by sgottahurt

La Shish kabob-bye!

La Shish kabob-bye!

I always pass closed La Shish restaurants in my travels, and it makes me sad that shady underpinnings (a euphemism for alleged terrorist funding if there ever was one) forced them to go, um, under.  Although I’d eaten at one of the original restaurants more than once (I assume that either of the Michigan Avenue locations in Dearborn was the first), I always thought it would be great that a local Arab cuisine could go national as a chain.

Oh well.  C’est la shish…  Other versions of La Shish have popped up in its place, even stealing its logo design, but they don’t have the same momentum as the original.  That is why I suggest going another route and follow My Taco Bell Plan.

In only one weekend, I can train any entrepreneur how to climb that mountain of creating a monster franchise and ring that bell at the top!

  • Step 1)  You need a catchy name.  Witness how Taco Bell rolls off the tongue.  Taaaaco Bell, Taaacooo Belllll.  La Shish worked well, but it name is tarnished.  My suggestion: Kebob Stop.  My other client, Dim Sum Gong, is already achieving some success.
  • Step 2) Ah, not so fast… you’re going to have to subscribe to my program to learn the rest.  For a flat fee of $20,000, I will teach you details to secrets like these: Lego style food design (Taco Bell makes, like, 30 dishes out of, like, eight items), signing a deal with PepsiCo (you have to get Mt. Dew, I promise you), and After Hours marketing (drinking and fast food go hand-in-hand… as does anonymous sex).

I’m also looking for developers for my Pierogi To Go and Taka Sushi restaurants.  Act now!