Humor

Awful Battle… Different Types Of Awful (In Music Videos)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This post could get quite existential.  It’s going to ask the big questions that have no real answers.

First up –

Why is Chris Brown allowed to still be making music?

I’m not even taking any of the Rihanna crap into account.  I’m basing it solely on this horrid example of modern music, Don’t Wake Me Up:

What I don’t get is that even though the kid can sing, they do the shittiest auto-tuning of his voice at the 1:11 mark (and beyond).  I thought we were done with that!

Second up –

What parent allowed their child to be tortured like this?

I’ll grant you that the video for MGMT’s Kids is amazing.  But it’s mostly amazing because it traumatizes a child throughout.  The band does explain how they made it, but I didn’t feel like watching that video too.

Third up –

If you can clearly understand the lyrics, why would you show them through the whole damn video?

Matchbox Twenty reunited this summer and released their first song in (look up how long to fill in this blank) years, She’s So Mean, and instead of a clever representation of the song, they gave a literal literal one:

They ultimately released a banned band version, but it’s too late.  The damage is already done.

Hibbidy-Wah?! OMFG! There’s No F—in’ Way This Could Ever Happen!!

Posted on by sgottahurt

This show looks like absolute vodka shit.

It is called… Made in Jersey, and it will air on See B.S.… I mean, CBS.

The premise is stupid simple.  A girl woman from New Jersey becomes – wait for it – a lawyer!  Crazy, right?

Check out these awful promos.  As a bonus, they’re extra confusing because one introduces the actress playing the character, whereas the other just introduces the character.  Why do we need to know the actress?  This show won’t last.  And her dreams will be unceremoniously dashed against the Jersey shore…

Introducing Janet Montgomery (the actress):

Meet Martina Garretti (the character):

Nice timing, too, because every body is sooooo into New Jersey right now…

Unofficial Trilogy… That Future Looks A Lot Like Our Present Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Call me a sucker for good sci-fi.  Good thing I’m not that big a sucker, though, because good sci-fi is rare.  Rarer still is sci-fi that takes place in the future, yet looks like our present (or near present).  Here’s a nice slideshow of the films in this Unofficial Trilogy:

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This already feels like I’m entering film school snob territory.  This is a French sci-fi noir film starring an ex-patriot American as a secret agent that carries around an Instamatic camera.  Yeah.  The thing like the app.  Back when it was brand new and seemed futuristic.  Anykodak, I remember this film being really cool… so cool it was even referenced in an episode of Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex.

I can tell I’ve lost you, so I won’t bring up that Alphaville’s Forever Young was my graduating class song, and I was pissed about that because I never heard of the group or the song, and then when I saw this film in college, it reminded me of how much I hated that song, and then The O.C. re-popularized it with a remake, and the rage returned, and…

When I first viewed this film, I had no expectations.  So my expectations weren’t blown away – my mind was.  I still maintain that this is the Citizen Kane of our time… an under-appreciated classic in every sense that will one day get its due.  It’s a film directed by a Mexican based on a book by a Brit about America now.  At least that’s what I thought when I watched it years ago.  Considering it’s about a world where no one can have children anymore, and Clive Owen has to protect a pregnant woman while wearing flip-flops, I don’t know why I thought that.  I really need to watch this film again.

Ever see Parts: The Clonus Horror The Island?  Well, this isn’t that movie.  But it’s similar, at least in its premise if not its time period.  The idea is simple – there’s a clone race of people who exist solely to provide organs for their original.  Where the similarities end is in the bittersweet acceptance of those fates.  Since The Island was directed by Michael Bay and Never Let Me Go is a British film, guess which one is about the clones fighting for their right to be free individuals and which one is a simple love story between people resigned to dying young?

(SIDENOTE: I just realized this are all technically foreign flicks.  Go figure.)

Drunken Recollection… Urban Dictionary Wars

Posted on by sgottahurt

Last time I tried to do this, I didn’t get in (that’s what she said).  It’s probably because I mentioned Thundercats and the redickuless Rob Dyrdek.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, allow me to reiterate.  One of my friends from soccer has about nine posts on Urban Dictionary; I wanted as many or more.  It turns out I’m burned out from trying.  I will give him credit though – he said he tried many as well, but it wasn’t until he got into the 12-year-old pervert boy mindset that he hit his stride.

So my latest (and last) attempt is this:

1. when a dude has unprotected sex and immediately after regrets not putting a condom on. 2. When the one getting boned realizes there is no latex (or sheepskin if you're over 50) betwixt you both, you can exclaim "I condomeant to!" FRIEND 1: Man, this chick I was banging was in her ketchup phase... I totally condomeant to after that discovery. FRIEND 2: At least she wasn't in the "must-turd" phase.

That’s the lowest this highbrow can go.

Here ‘s hoping (for no real good particular reason).  As for the other five of my compiled entries (including the above mentioned “ketchup phase“), click here.  Maybe by the time you do, condomeant will be on that list.

(SIDENOTE: My favorite entry is kidstipated BTW, but it took three tries to get it on.  The one I gave up on was mustard phase.  I was only trying to get that on for the above joke, so I shoehorned it in.  See it’s definition below…)

mustard phase

1) After eating a lot of unhealthy food – let’s say chili cheese hot dogs – there’s a sense of urgency to reach the bathroom that grows exponentially until you reach the porcelain throne

2) The phase when you “must turd” ASAP

DUDE 1: We gotta get out of this ballpark stat! My rectum is launching into full mustard phase, and these restrooms are packed!

DUDE 2: Just use a trash bin.

InASense, Lost… What Lesson Am I Supposed To Learn Here?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I always thought the saying went as such:

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

But then again, they also always say:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

So am I insane, or are they barely trying here?

A movie about guys with kids starring Anthony Anderson.

(SIDENOTE: The above is a 2004 film that received a 4% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes.)

A television show about baby daddies starring Anthony Anderson.

(SIDENOTE: The above NBC show received a 38% approval rating.  For NBC, that’s a hit!)

The Silver Lining… Gross Microscopic Creatures Sometimes Aren’t As Gross As You Think

Posted on by sgottahurt

My gut tells me to deplore this creature, but my heart tells me otherwise.

I hate microscopic creatures.  The macroscopic creep me out.  But Tardigrades might have changed my mind.  And not just because they’re called waterbears or moss piglets, which make them sound cute…

Worth 1002 Words… Literal Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Little Crazy

Happy Find… He’s Surprising! He’s Disguising!

Posted on by sgottahurt

When I was a kid (and maybe still now), I prided myself on knowing the words to many, many toy commercials.

Somehow, this one escaped me.

No matter what, Charger-Tron, you will not escape me again!

(SIDENOTE: This is YouTube gold.  Thank you to zorro3121 for sharing this with the world.)

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Wallflower Bites?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Love is to woe is me as films about love is to waaah is me.

Take the film adaptation of The Perks of Being a Wallflower as an example… an example already set previously by 1994’s Reality Bites:

Pictured in each poster: two dudes (one square, one “like, whatever”), short-haired pixie chick, wall.

If the posters are any indication, these are supposed to be the films that define the generations they’re made in.  But that shouldn’t be the case for TPOBAW (nerd acronym alert!).

The book written in 1999 by Stephen Chbosky actually takes place around the early 90’s in which sex, drugs, homosexuality, and aimlessness were common themes (a.k.a. buzzkills) also featured in RB (n.a.a. again!).  Does the same pre-social media angst of the 90’s translate to now?  If the posters can do it, so can the celluloid.

(SIDENOTE: I read and bought TPOBAW multiple times.  It was one of my favorites.  A Holden Caulfield for Gen-X’ers.  I’d hate it now.)

A Handful Of… 90’s Rocker Chicks I’ve Never Seen

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you can imagine, there was a time before the TripleDoubleU and YouTube, when I didn’t have… wait for it… cable television.

In this time frame, there were a slew of lady rockers across the airwaves, the likes of Courtney Love and Alanis Morissette.  Those ladies I knew via my subscription to Entertainment Weekly.  But some other ladies – I had no idea what they looked like… UNTIL NOW.

A Tale of Two Marketing Campaigns

This song hit the stations the year the music industry changed.  Whitney Houston had the number one song of the year with I Will Always Love You; number two was Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit.  Hence you get two approaches to selling Sophie B. Hawkins – the Rancid crowd vs. the Rod Stewart crowd.  There were even two different videos (take one and take two… I prefer take one).  She’s not what I’d expect based on the song lyrics, but I wouldn’t have minded fulfilling her wish.

Mazzy Star is not Hope Sandoval

I learned two things while looking this up.  Apparently, Mazzy Star’s style of music is called dream pop.  I didn’t know this was a genre, but it makes sense.  The second thing I learned was Mazzy Star is not she… it’s they:

Mazzy Star is Hope Sandoval AND David Roback

(SIDENOTE: What is it about this song that reminds me of the TV show Friends?)

This girl does not like pants.

This one I’m slightly cheating on because I found out what she looked like when Why Can’t I? came out in 2003.  All I do know is if I had seen her in ’94, I probably would have developed a crush and bought her CD and went to her concert.  But I didn’t.  Money and time saved.  But now that I’ve seen she doesn’t really like shirts either on the TripleDoubleXU in 2012, I feel it’s all come full circle somehow.

Donna Lewis sounds like a fashion designer.

Okay, so she’s really not even close to what would be considered a 90’s rocker, but this song was everywhere.  I never knew what she looked like, and now I do.  That’s all I have to say about that.