In My Brain While Sleeping… Gash Monsters, Flying Pucks, And Robert Redford

I had a series of strange dream flashes recently.  Here’s the gist of them:

1) The Gash Monster.  This one is a little messed up.  The opening of the dream started like a pinhole fade-in… except the pinhole was a square.  As the blackness pulled away, it revealed a creature comprised of eyes that looked just like this one below: 

(Kinda) Artistic Representation

(Kinda) Artistic Representation

It was covered in gashes (take that word choice however you may), and in every slit (same goes for that word choice) rested a beady, blinking eye.  The beast was the size of a couch and shaped like a boar.  Its snorting (and endless staring) woke me up immediately.

2) The Floating Puck.  In this dream, there was a ten foot cushioned, hockey puck-looking thing in a play area.  Some kids were floating above it, but I thought they were flying by jet packs like we’re used to seeing (even though I saw none):

In case you couldn't put "jet" and "pack" together in your mind.

In case you couldn't put "jet" and "pack" together in your mind.

When they started doing flips, it freaked me out.  I was worried they’d crash and smash their heads.  As it turned out, this puck-thing blasted air which made everyone virtually weightless.  At the point I finally stood on it, I had to jump to get started.  I lifted a bit higher with each jump, but I was too heavy for it and slowly descended back to the ground.  For whatever reason, this made me wake up, laughing out loud.

3) The Giveaway.  This is maybe even stranger than the other two dreams.  I was in my basement doing laundry, and Robert Redford was also there, going through all of his old awards.  He was pulling out all kinds of trophies and throwing them in the trash – even his Oscars.  The only one he wanted to keep was from Butch Cassidey and the Sundance Kid (for which he wasn’t even nominated).  He told me he’d give me his Academy Award from The Sting (he didn’t win, but at least he was nominated).  When he reached into the box, he pulled out a toy of the Gash Monster.

Like this Star Wars creature, but not at all.

Like this Star Wars creature, but not at all.

Drunken Recollection… Politically Incorrect Answer

Last night at trivia, we blew it.  We blew it big time.  Out of a possible 73 points, we had 65 – and that’s a rarity (high 50’s are usual).  We could have actually scored higher if I would have went with my gut instincts of Applebee’s (“Where did Plaxico Burress say he shot himself?”) and goat (“From what animal does cashmere wool come from?”), as opposed to Denny’s and sheep.

But the last question… it’s all political correctness’ fault.

Prior to President Barack Obama, who was the last African-American to be recognized as Time Magazine’s Man Person of the Year?

Person of the Year? As opposed to alien?

Person of the Year? As opposed to alien?

nelsonmandelaidi_aminWe put: Nelson Mandela

We even thoughtIdi Amin.

We didn’t think of this guy, because we didn’t go back in time that far:

mlktime

But in reality, African-American has become so synonymous with Black in this country, we didn’t even consider the American part.

Oh well.  We didn’t win even though we were in first place before the final question (you wager your points à la Final Jeopardy).  But I did steal a cool NFL glass from the bar.  It had all the team logos covering it.  Suckas!*

*KARMA SIDENOTE: When I was dropped off at home, I realized my wallet was missing.  I figured I had left it at the bar.  Since I planned on taking the glass pretty early in my drinking, I focused mostly on that task, and found it fitting I abandoned my Billabong billfold at the scene of the crime.  Turns out I dropped it in my friend’s car.  But for a second, I learned my lesson.

JusWondering… Will This Be My Only Gag About The Oscars?

I’m totally writing this to steal someone else’s joke.  I’ll give credit to my sister’s friend I don’t know, but that’s as far as I can go.

At this year’s Oscars, Sofia Loren looked like a deep-fried lioness.

I’d add minus the breading, but I digress.  God, answer me one question – why Lisa Rinna AND Joey Fatone?  One’s bad, but both?!

Happy Deep Fried Twinkie Day!

Happy Deep Fried Twinkie Day!

Happy Paczki Day/Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras/Any Given Tuesday!

Hey… here’s the thing about today.  It’s Paczki Day (pronounced: punch-key) in Detroit.  It’s a Polish name, for sure.  Everywhere else it’s Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras.  Today is the day before Ash Wednesday and the start of Lent and blah blah blah

All most people care about here are these:

Mmmm... paczkis...

Mmmm... paczkis...

I am not a fan, and have never been a fan, despite being of the same descent as the fried jelly- and custard-filled pastries.

I was kidding about the mmmm...

I was kidding about the mmmm...

 I’m sure it has more to do with the fact that I’m not a fan of jelly, custard, or deep-frying…

Srsly, keep... them... away!

Srsly, keep... them... away!

 …except in the case of these (where’s their holiday?):

They're like sugarized air. Let me breathe you in.

They're like sugarized air. Let me breathe you in.

Meh Find… The Science Of Cute (And Bonus Pedomorphosis!)

For those of you that don’t know how to turn a doorknob (I’m looking at you aliens from Signs!), here’s a video that explains why we find cute things cute (why we needed one is a question for another time):

(via Videogum)

Drunken Recollection… When Someone Offers You A Free Piano, You Take It!

I was watching the first episode of “How I Met Your Mother” and there’s a scene where Robin (Cobie Smulders) quotes (what they consider) an obscure line from “Ghostbusters.”

The line, courtesy of Winston Zeddemore (Ernie Hudson):

Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say “YES”!

For whatever reason, it caused a flash in my brain pan of a conversation I had with my cousin Steve last night.  He was telling me about a Craigslist entry he read.  In it, someone was giving away an upright piano for free.  The catch: you had to come pick it up.  I asked why he hadn’t contacted the sellergiver-awayer and he said he had no place to put it, being stuck (for the mean time) back at home.  My response:

Steve, when someone offers you a free piano, you take it!

It could have waited in the garage.  It didn’t need to even be playable.  He has an old NBA Jam coin-op arcade system in the living room.  The upright piano could go right next to that.

In other words... jam band.

They go together like pianos and coin-op.

And this is one situation where I practice what I preach.  When I had the chance to get a free microfiche machine, I took it!

microfiche

Just in case a dying man hands me microfilm and tells me, "Don't let them find this," I can see what "this" is.

Happy Find… “I Can Read Movies”

Okay, it’s official.  As you can see in the Widget bar at the left, I am a Twitterer-er–ee… and my user name is WYSeanIWYG if anyone’s interested (comment me with your below and I’ll “Follow”).

Anywhippersnapper, I’ve already made one cool discovery, courtesy of Actor! Kevin Pollak (whom I’ve always liked before and since The Usual Suspects, probably because he kind of reminds me of one of my uncles).

He recommended the “I Can Read Movies” Series by some artist named Spacesick.  Basically, he conceptualizes each selected film as an iconic, stylized image (kind of like the old Activision game covers), portrayed as an old book cover.

Some examples:

"There can be only one... unless we want to make sequels."

"There can be only one... unless we want to make sequels."

"Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love. We've got company."

"Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love. Swinging on vines with monkeys? Eventually."

Soon to be major motion pictures, I'm sure. Then "I Can Read Movies" novelizations. Then video games again.

Soon to be major motion pictures, I'm sure. Then "I Can Read Movies" novelizations. Then video games again.

JusWondering… Did Hollywood Go To Glamour Shots?

When I was at my favorite movie theater recently (I am a card carrying Frequent Movie Watcher), I noticed that they had (intentionally) placed four strikingly familiar posters beside one another.  I couldn’t quite place what was so similar, but they all drew the exact same emotional reaction from me…

wolverineteaserstartrekkirk

terminator4transformers2teaser 

ho-hum.  Just what the ad execs ordered (okay, maybe the T4 poster is kinda cool).  Instead, I think they should have hired this guy:

Vodpod videos no longer available. My guess is that it all started with this poster:

Looks guilty to me!

Looks guilty to me!

more about “JusWondering…“, posted with vodpod

Happy Find… A New Game I Can Use To Annoy My Friends!

While late night stumbling through the TripleDoubleU when I should be going to be bed before I have to go back to work (is this even a sentence?), I found this on Videogum (they’re my Hubba Bubba):

hudhudhudhudhudhud...hudhud......hudhud... ("Jaws" theme backwards)

hudhudhudhudhudhud...hudhud......hudhud... ("Jaws" theme backwards)

And they found it through BuzzFeed and they found it threw Reddit… blah blah…

Basically, it has the potential to be a great time-killing/altered-state/show-offy game, I think.

You take a familiar film (a filmiliar, you might say) and tell it in reverse.  A gag on the BuzzFeed states The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is about a man who is born and grows old and dies.  Simple, yes… but effective.

The more elaborate samples on Reddit:

If you watch Fight Club backwards, you see Ed Norton turn from a crazy streetperson into a successful productive member of society.

If you watch American History X backwards, you see Ed Norton turn from a successful productive member of society into a crazy streetperson.

I would try one right now, but my brain’s on the fade out.

Oh wait… I got one. 

If you watch the Muppet Movie backwards, Kermit and the Gang watch a movie, and then act it out in real life.  Dumb.

The Curious Case of the Frog and the Pig

The Curious Case of Interspecies Love

Drunken Recollection… Flying Bags, Trashing Toilets, Saving Bathrooms, And Other Weird Thoughts

Sometimes things you enjoy can get ruined by the mere fact that someone points out the obvious to you, well-enough is not left alone, or something becomes cliché about it.  Examples:

  • One episode of South Park lampooned Family Guy and pointed out the show makes pointless jokes that have no basis or bearing on the plot.  It sounds highbrow, but it ruined Family Guy for me.
  • Matrix 2 and 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, and Star Wars Episodes 1-3 all turned the awesome originals into tripe.  What wonders the first works brought us were repeated and retreaded until the wonder was no more.  The signs of forward thinking creativity became watered down to levels of… luck.
  • Don’t get me started on using famous songs in commercials.  Too late.  I’d give anything in the world to NOT think of KFC when I hear Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”… but alas, that’s not to be.  The classic Southern rock anthem is now an unfortunate cliché.

The reason I bring this all up is fuck American Beauty.  Especially this scene:

Why do I have such disdain for this sequence?  It’s not that I hate it… at all.  It’s that I quite actually agree with it wholeheartedly.  I’m the type of person that likes to look up at the clouds every now and again and feel small.  I enjoy remembering my minuscule place in the universe that I share with the floating grocery store bags and the tumbling cardboard containers blowing in the wind.  What makes me mad is that I liked paying attention to the things too many people ignore before the movie came out (ten whole years ago), and when I do so now, I feel like a cliché because I’m reminded of that movie.

I thought of that on the way to the bar before soccer last night, and I needed to get that off my chest.  On to the Drunken Recollection!

SIDENOTE: Does it bring anyone else extreme amounts of joy to see toilets being discarded on the curbside?  Oh, the stories they could tell.  And it looks so juxtaposed with its surroundings.  Can you imagine being the garbage man that has to hoist the porcelain throne into his compactor?   I tried to Google Image Search “toilets being thrown out” for additional laughs, but all that showed up were pictures of Lily Allen. Weird.

Once at the bar, time constrained nicely between basketball and soccer, I had to save yet another restroom from flooding.  What’s up with people not being able to turn off faucets!?!  Have we gone numb?

Anyway, a few topics of interest came up that I thought I’d share:

  • My (possibly brilliant, or perhaps stranger than I) cousin Steve brought up the suggestion that adults should start referring to their age in months as opposed to years.  It’s more specific, it sounds impressive the older you get, and it gives clues to your birthday… that is if you’re good at math and know your times table.  Just remember, you have to be older than 252 months to drink and older than 216 months to vote, see Rated R movies, and be considered “legal.”
  • I was reminded of an old daydream I used to have where people kept growing the older they got, so you’d have to have bigger homes and bigger cars and bigger clothes and bigger factories to make all those big things.  Nobody could lie about their age or get Botox or plastic surgery to stay small.  And even if you were fifty, your seventy year old parents could still pick you up if they needed to, or you had a bad day and wanted to be nuzzled.  (I’m probably stranger than Steve, hands down.)
  • Do celebrities have insurance?  Do movie stars walk around with Blue Cross cards or Medicaid, or do they simply pay cash?  Maybe they get comped like with stores and restaurants.  “Hey, guess where Angelina and Brad went when they got the flu?  Kaiser Permanente.”  “Man, I wanna go there, too!”  I could research this further, but I only really cared about it last night.