Humor

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… Songs About The Number One

Posted on by sgottahurt

ALTERNATE TITLE: Just #2-y To The #2

Where do I began to express my love of the number one?

  1. It’s always first.
  2. It’s the least of anything you can have.
  3. It’s the exact amount of people I care about in this world.
  4. I am always looking out for it.

With that having been said, here’s how I rank various musicians takes on the number that goes best with the letter A:

  • JUST SHITTY – METALLICA’S ONE

Metallica sucks except for one song, and mostly because of Lars Ulrich’s battle against Napster.

  • BIG POO – FAT JOE’S ONE, FEATURING AKON

Fat Joe’s normally tolerable, but by involving scumbag Akon, this song drops like a deuce.

I should like more songs by U2, but there’s an air of pretension in their music.  Or is that just gas?

  • ROYAL TURD – ELTON JOHN’S THE ONE

This was released during Sir Elton John’s renaissance years (the 90’s), and since he’s a respected musician (except for those stupid Pepsi commercials with that chick who won X-Factor that no one knows), you knew he’d doo-doo well.

  • DISCO CACA – BEE GEE’S ONE

Another renaissance song from renowned musicians.  I’m doing my best to not use diarrhea in some pun.

  • #2 – NELLY’S #1

Nelly’s had a fair share of shits, but they’ve been hits and misses when it comes to me.  This one hits.

  • TIM AND ERIC’S I SIT DOWN WHEN I PEE

*bows*
(exits stage left)

Hibbidy-Wah?! Those Are Some Good Questions About “Prometheus” (SPOILERS)

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you haven’t seen Ridley Scott’s Prometheus and you’re planning to, don’t watch this video.

If you’ve already seen it, and didn’t even ask yourself a few of these questions, heaven (which apparently is full of Space Jockeys) help you.

I applaud sci-fi films that take a less-is-more stance.  My biggest problem with this film was all the on-the-nose dialogue.  But I have to admit, it sure was pretty… unlike the above reviewers.

Drunken Recollection… I Couldn’t Wait For Urban Dictionary’s Approval

Posted on by sgottahurt

Where’s the Urban Thesaurus?

As I mentioned in my last post, over some drunken conversation, the subject of dirty slang terms and phrases came up arose happened.  And mind you – women were present and one provided this first term that was not on Urban Dictionary.  I was happy to submit it, but I’m still awaiting their final approval.  You can check for it maybe one day soon, but allow me to present:

  • THUMBERCATS

Thumbercats Ho, indeed.

This second one is an idea I’ve kicked around for a while, so may it one day find infamy on the UD:

  • REDICKULESS

I’m ashamed to admit I created this definition.

InASense, Lost… You Learn Some Dirty New Slang Everday

Posted on by sgottahurt

Nothing beats beers after being beaten at soccer (alliteration!)…  except (thinking you’re) making up new dirty words.

This was going to be a Drunken Recollection of phrases that were thrown around, but most already existed on Urban Dictionary, and two did not.  The ones presented here made me feel InASense, Lost… the other’s should appear in a Drunken Recollection quite soon.

As it is with “pizza” and “cheeseburgers,” it’s hard to find a bad one…

Can’t say the same about this…

Who thinks of this stuff? Oh yeah… drunk people at bars.

U.S.A! U.S.A!

The Silver Lining… Sometimes Watching Commercials Can Bring Surprises

Posted on by sgottahurt

The other day, I was a little lax on my DVR commercial skipping, and this commercial came on:

What the fuck is this movie?!  Branded!  It’s not even on Wikipedia (all hail Wikipedia).  It’s barely on IMDb…

It looks like it could be a kick-ass movie; it also looks like it could dumb as hell.

But either way, I’d know nothing about it if – *gulp* – I didn’t watch the commercials.

(P.S. I guess it’s a Russian film.  Could be Night Watch; could be The Darkest Hour.)

Unofficial Trilogy… Wacky Films Of The 80’s Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

The definition of a wacky film (according to me):

A movie that takes place in the real world, except it’s wacky.

These three fit that bill and ted:

We need more adjectives!

I’ve already brought this movie up quite recently, but I can’t get it out of my head (much like the Red Lectroid in Dr. Lizardo’s head!)… To break it down, Buckeroo Banzai is “a modern-day renaissance man, top neurosurgeon, particle physicist, race car driver, rock star and comic book hero” that starts a dimensional war when he successfully passes through a mountain.  I really can’t tell you more than that.  Well, I can also tell you that the ending credits scene is fantastic.  But that’s truly enough!

Just as with Buckeroo Banzai above, this experiment in genre mixing was a flop.  Director John Carpenter always wanted to film a martial arts flick, and this story about a trucker entering the mystical Chinatown underworld to rescue a kidnapped girl was it.  Is it fantastic?  Debatable.  Is it wacky?  A little China bit.

This might not seem to wacky at first glance, since it’s mostly a time-travel comedy.  But when you get down to the nuts and bolts of it, protagonists Bill and Ted are supposed to write a song that will save the world, only if (!) they can pass their history class.  Enter time machine phone booth (calling Dr. Who) and the rest is, as they say, history.

A third film is supposedly in the works in which Bill and Ted must deal with the fact that even after the last twenty years, they still haven’t written that song!

Worth 1002 Words… Twice The Fun Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Tighty Why’s?

Some alternates:

  • Under Weird
  • Bumped Uglies
  • Brief Briefs

(via)

PLeiaBoy Centerfold

Some Alderaans:

(via)

JusWondering… How Did This Make It To TV?

Posted on by sgottahurt

TBS might not be the benchmark of great television, and even though its slogan is “Very Funny,” that doesn’t mean it’s true.  Case in point – how did this show make it to TV?

The point of a preview is to show funny things if it’s a comedy, right?  Then why do promos for Men at Work show anything but?

Unfortunately, I was unable to find any more extensive previews, so allow me to transcribe some of the “jokes”…

In one exchange, a douche from this show is mad at the guy from NBC’s Las Vegas for banging his cleaning lady.  They go back and forth repeating the word bang a lot.  Which prompts the punchline: “I don’t believe how many times you guys said the word bang.”

In another scene, the guy from Fox’s That 70’s Show asks a woman on a date.  The three other jackasses dance using lewd sex moves in the background.  Her response: “They know I can see them right?”  His punchline: “Yeah, they don’t care.”

And for my last bit of torture, the guy from NBC’s Las Vegas tells the guy from Fox’s That 70’s Show to not dwell on his break-up forever.  Setup: “It’s been like an hour.”  Punch-in-the-throat-line: “Yet we’re still talking about it.”

I can’t recall any others, and I don’t care to.

You want comedy?  I don’t know if it will satiate you, but it’s light years better than Men at Work:

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Sometimes Titles Are Just The Same

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve never claimed to be hip.  But then again, I’ve never claimed to be elbow either.  (I should stop claiming to be funny.)

So when I recently discovered that rapper T.I. had a song called Rubber Band Man, somewhere deep in my core idiot actually hoped and thought it might be a remake (or let’s say, re-imagining) of The Spinners’ The Rubberband Man.

Needless to say, I was sorely mistaken:

You see, one’s a song that I’ve been told I loved as a baby (that’s about a fat kid); the other is about how a drug dealer uses rubber bands on his wrist to hold money.  How’s that for a remake/re-imagining?

Happy Find… Fun, Fun, Fun Conspiracy Theory Of The (Last) Year

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m very late to this, but since it was new to me and I found it enjoyable, I shall share it with you:

Sorry if it’s fuzzy… transcript below…

(via)

What the theory states:

The song [Rebecca Black’s Friday] is about the JFK assassination.  The name of the driver of the car he was assassinated in was Samuel Kicken (Kickin’ in the front seat, sittin’ in the back seat…)

The assassination occurred on a Friday, and when he was shot, the Secret Service yelled at Jackie Kennedy to “get down” (Gotta get down on Friday…)

Parts about the Cold War and the spread of Communism are referenced (Everybody’s rushin’ = Everybody’s Russian…)

And to top it all off, in the hotel that morning, JFK declined a breakfast of sausage, eggs, and toast for a bowl of Bran Flakes instead (Gotta have my bowl/ Gotta have cereal…)

Also, the following Monday, JFK was supposed to sign a bill into law requiring all public schools to provide bus transportation for their students (Gotta catch my bus…)

Now, I’d like to believe this is all true, but the very first item I cross-referenced (JFK’s driver was Sam Kinney, not Sam Kicken) came up as a negative, so rather than destroy the beauty of its lunacy, I’m gonna stop there.