Worth 1002 Words… Birthday Cake Pillow Edition
Sweet Dreams
Some alternates:
- Layer Down
- Tirami-so Tired
- Bed Crumbcake
- Birthdays Suck
- (The) Morgue (the) Merrier
(via)
Food
Hibbidy-Wah?! Snooki’s Rasslin’?
This. Is. Beyond. Words.
What’s next?
Pauly D in a Baskin Robbins ad?
Finis.
InASense, Lost… A Cheese And Crappers Double Whammy
I rarely watch commercials, but these are two recent ones I’ve caught while watching Star Wars: The Clone Wars on Cartoon Network who know’s what. One reminded me of an old childhood wish, and the other made me wish I was never born. I’ll let you figure out which wish is which.
Drunken Recollection… Evil Grimace
He has McDiabetes.
Okay, all you Super-Sized McFatties out there, are you ready for this?
Wait… that’s kind of the wrong way to start this post. Kind of like how McDonald’s started Grimace out as an evil, four-armed thief…
He was introduced in 1971, and made only these two appearances as a bad guy. For whatever reason, he was quickly converted into the purple gumdrop we all know and… are mildly nostalgic about? But finding out about this, one night while drinking, finally shed some light on a question I’ve long battled:
If Grimace means a sharp contortion of the face expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust, why would they name the lovable oaf that?
Lovable oaf? Really?!
It’s because he started out as a… sharp contortion of the face expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust, I guess.
But I digress. Anyone out there remember Uncle O’Grimacy? Because for some reason, I don’t.
But this talk of Shamrock Shakes and St. Patrick’s Day gets me thinking… man, I can’t wait to do more drinking. And drinking is what lead me to this overall discovery.
It’s the circle of life. Or the Golden Arches of life. Have it your way. Oh wait, that’s the Burger King slogan, but I’m lovin’ it.
Happy Find… And A Surprisingly Sad Find
These two videos have already been out there for a week, and when I initially saw them, I thought they’d be huge – which they are. But since then, I haven’t been able to get them out of my head. So I figured I’d share them with you in case you haven’t caught them yet.
I’ll start with the sad one. It’s a preview for the video game Dead Island, and it’s quite haunting:
This one is quite the opposite. It involves a… well, I’ll let you watch and enjoy:
Hibbidy-Wah?! Hibbidy-Wowza!
Me: "I wanna be in a Modern Family." *stomps foot*
Sofia Vergara has proven herself quite the comedienne on ABC’s Modern Family. This commercial proves she’s also quite the salesperson when it comes to Pepsi:
I didn’t get the joke at first. That’s why I watched it twelve times.
A Handful Of… Trapped People Flicks
Buried - not to be confused with Barried, Barried, or Berried
I pretty much ignored Ryan Reynolds’ Buried when it came out in the theaters, and I pretty much ignored its arrival on DVD. What I have been unable to ignore is the constant bombardment of James Franco’s 127 Hours, which is now in wide-release courtesy of its Academy Award nominations.
This further reminded me of two things.
- How the screenwriter of Buried, Chris Sparling, basically begged to be nominated for an Oscar.
- How 127 Hours is basically the same thing, and it is nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay.
But wait… isn’t one about a guy in a coffin and the other one about a guy cutting his arm off?
Yes, but they are both essentially “unfilmable” stories about a man trapped. And they aren’t the only ones. Here are A Handful Of Trapped People Flicks.
I can see it now... "Buried 4 127 Hours"
- Rope (1948) – people trapped in real-time murder plot
- Die Hard (1988) – man trapped in terrorist-filled building
- Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) – man trapped in terrorist-filled airport
- Under Siege (1992) – man trapped on terrorist-filled battleship
- Toy Soldiers (1991) – student trapped in terrorist-filled school
- Passenger 57 (1992) – man trapped on terrorist-filled airplane
- Speed (1994) – people trapped on speeding bus
- Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) – man trapped on speeding terrorist-filled train
- Executive Decision (1996) – man trapped on terrorist-filled airplane
- Daylight (1996) – people trapped in underground tunnel
- Air Force One (1997) – man trapped on president’s terrorist-filled airplane
- Con Air (1997) – man trapped on criminal-filled airplane
- Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997) – people trapped on speeding terrorist-filled cruise ship
- Cast Away (2000) – man trapped on island
- Phone Booth (2002) – man trapped in phone booth (written by Larry Cohen)
- Open Water (2004) – people trapped in shark-infested waters
- Cellular (2004) – man trapped in terrible plot involving keeping a cell phone powered (written by Larry Cohen)
- Penny Dreadful (2006) – woman trapped in a car
- Captivity (2007) – woman trapped in underground lair (also written by Larry Cohen)
- Frozen (2010) – people trapped on a ski lift
- Buried (2010) – man trapped in coffin
- 127 Hours (2010) – man trapped underground by a rock
- Unstoppable (2010) – men trapped on a missile the size of the Chrysler Building
InASense, Lost… Good Ol’ Days Of Cross-Dressing
I don’t remember this commercial, so I guess that means I must have repressed it:
The only time any such imagery should be used would be in order to sell this:
Are there nuts in that tossed salad?
Worth 1002 Words… Holy Keanu Edition
Neo Con
Some alternates:
- Wyne Stallyns
- Pinot Break
- The Replacement
- Devil’s Advocate
BONUS PROOF!
In My Brain While Sleeping… You Never Wanna Dream This Feeling
Welcome to the nightmare.
I don’t know if our time was up. If it was the end days, it was the last day. Our destroyer had arrived, and whether it was giants, transparent entities, The Big Guy (or Gal), or aliens, the method of our demise was tantamount to pulling our plugs.
No really. It was as if our plugs were pulled out. Specifically, our spines.
For me, it wasn’t a smooth transition from the here to the next.
As we waited like Chicken McNuggets in a 50 piece box for our turn, we remained silent, contemplative, reliving every moment of our lives. I was the only one that seemed to be panicky. When I was lifted up for the extraction, I was wiggling. The overlord grabbed my tailbone, and yanked. It felt like a giant tooth being pulled out of your ass and a plank-sized splinter from your mind.
I was a piled mess. But I was still aware.
As I looked around at the other human globules, I realized they no longer contained life.
I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t even make a peep. How was I going to get their attention to inform them that I wasn’t destroyed?
They knew, though. And quickly I was lifted back up. My spine was shoved back into my body, and like a plumbing snake, it was fished about and yanked once again. With this, I woke up.
Now how is this a post about pop culture? Here are some pop culture representations of how I felt:
Mojo from the X-Men
Chet from Weird Science
Mr. Bill after an accidentMr. Potato Head in Toy Story 3
Paul "Shitbreak" Finch in American Pie
Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber (and CNN broadcast)
Pizza the Hutt in Space Balls
Melting guy in Street Trash
Chicken McNuggets
(SIDENOTE: I highly recommend not ever having this dream.)
INGREDIENTS: Kielbasa bought at 1am outside of a train station in Prague. (First Czech Republic trip shout out!)
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