I have not seen “Madagascar.” I will not see “Madagascar: Escape 2 the Same Continent That Madagascar is Part Of.” I also have not and will not see “The Love Guru.”
Notice any similarties between these two clips other than the fact I want to put my head in a vice and hook one of those NASCAR bolt removers to its crank?
To follow up my Brett Ratner rant on this Election Night, I thought I might present something that, um, could very well be perceived as un-PC (and I don’t mean Mac, Justin Long!)
Although the dialogue track is lifted from “Rush Hour,” to find it edited into “Return of the Jedi” – it makes it actually pretty funny.
The genius that is Brett Ratner – I’m not even smart enough to find the words. His originality is unmatched; his levels of depth unfathomable. (Ha! A pun!) He is the answer to our unanswerable prayers.
Oh, yeah… Did I forget to mention today is Opposite Day? (Except when it comes to voting… It’s so Opposite Day that it’s NOT Opposite Day… whoa, deep…)
Now grant it, Heidi Klum is one helluva new addition to America’s citizenship ranks, but Brettcrack was paid beaucoup bucks to brand Guitar Hero, as if the popular game needed help. (FYI: he came up with the name “World Tour” – he’s like a the fucking Stephen Hawking of pop culture!)
This is technically the fourth video that’s exactly the same… much like his “Rush Hour” movies. Click here for the athletes version and here for the American Idols commercials.
God, he infuriates me. But perhaps he’s worth what he’s paid… look at all the attention I’m giving him.
BONUS: Now with a fifth commercial (Director’s Cut)! It must have been difficult to get a German underwear model to dance in next to nothing… I don’t know how Brettcrack does it.
Not pictured: Richard Chamberlain... Pictured: floating child head
In a high rise, um, high above Gotham, Bruce Wayne and I were speaking with a third party about investing in the future.
“Stride bubblegum,” Bruce began. “It’s the taste of the future.”
“And the future is now,” I added.
Bubblegum was growing in petri dishes, and our guest wasn’t sold. As it turned out, he didn’t have the funds to cover such an investment. That’s when I pulled out a Capital One credit card.
“It’s the credit card of the future,” Bruce uttered without further prompting.
I merely nodded this time. As our potential business partner contemplated his next move, an alram sounded through the city (I guess the bat signal wasn’t enough.) Bruce excused himself.
Soon, there was a giant Shogun Warrior (by Mattel) roaming Gotham’s streets. I wondered, “How will Batman defeat this monstrosity?”
With a Bat Gundam of course. (This could happen. Check here.)
BONUS: Halloween advice from a dream over the weekend – if you want to make a bowl of M&M’s last longer, try cutting them all in half.
INGREDIENTS: Ten hours of surfing the 3x2xU since I was out of town all weekend, coupled with a GladWare storage container full of five-day old Kraft spaghetti.
I have known a few people through the years that have done things that some people may see as odd, such as wearing leather chaps to a co-ed softball game while covered in peanut butter, or making artwork out of animal intestines.
Okay, actually, they are odd, but some people find that off-putting. For me, these people are the spice of life (the off-the-cuff kind of spice you’d find at CVS or Aldi’s). They’re a modern performance artist, in my opinion, and I can say I’m not too different (see the new #7 on my Fact Sheet). Or they’re completely batshit crazy, but who cares?
Crispin Glover may be a genius or a nutjob (the separtion between the two is a thin line, and we’re not talking cocaine here… or are we?) Check out Screen Junkies’ list of his “9 Most Bizarre Moments.”
Here’s a sneak peek at #8:
BONUS: Toonces Without a Cause:
Even though the TripleDoubleU’s a-rumbling over “Pushing Daisies” (some hint that the title may become eponymous with its fate), I say, sally forth, Bryan Fuller. Your imagination, and our societal lack thereof, needs it.
From your beginnings, as a fan who got to write for his favorite franchise, “Star Trek,” through your development of the wonderful “Wonderfalls” and “Dead Like Me,” and the best part of the crap that “Heroes” has become (FYI… he wrote the first season’s incredible “Company Man”), I don’t feel like you’ve received your just desserts just yet.
It appears ABC’s gamble last Wednseday was good one (and funny, since the episode was about gambling). I hope that “Pushing Daisies” can find the audience it needs to keep the Brass ordering more seasons.
And fear not if all does not go as planned (crossing fingers for new “Star Trek” show). Look how long it took Judd Apatow to click with the mainstream. There was “The Ben Stiller Show,” “Freaks and Geeks,” and “Undeclared” way before there was “The 40 Year Old Virgin.”
We need people like you in Hollywood (and Charlie Kaufman, and maaaaybe Zack Snyder), since the Lucas and Spielberg wells have all dried up. Who else will do battle with the Michael Bays, Stephen Sommers, Brett Ratners, and (vomit) Friedberg/Seltzers of the world?
You know that cringe.
That recoiling feeling when something is justnotright. It’s minor, maybe ignorable, and perhaps even a subconscious tingling, but you still notice it. When Sara Bareillis first hit the scene with her infectious (will-it-be-one-)hit(-wonder?), “Love Song,” I took note of her CD cover in passing at a Target. I wondered what she looked like, but I didn’t take the further effort to investigate, um, further, like by simply flipping over the case.
I didn’t think much about the picture at the time. It only reminded me of how they made Alanis Morissette mysterious with quick cuts (which seem slow nowadays) in her video for “You Oughta Know.” (It’s so Nineties it’s hilarious.)
When I finally saw the video, that’s when the cringe hit me. Could it be? Would they?
One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is what I’ve come to collectively call: Marketing. It’s not just about the corporations anymore (though in this case it is). I hate being sold to, and if you’re a poser, you’re a loser (my lame t-shirt slogan… I bet I could make a shitload off selling it to posers, though). I try to associate myself with real people for this very reason. In fact, I think this whole country would be a whole lot better place if people weren’t afraid to be who they really are, and if they don’t know who they are, I’d hope that they could enjoy the ride of trying to figure that out.
Anyhooptyhoo, I find Sara attractive. I’m a sucker for the chanteuses as it is, and it makes me mad that the marketers of this world (particularly her label), may not have. They thought she might not sell if the front and back covers were reversed. These are my own interjections, of course, but this is the same label she directed the song at. They wanted her to write a catchy pop love song to sell to the masses, and in response, her inner cringe produced a massive hit.
And what prompted all this old news to get dragged up? Not as old news that’s become new news due to any upcoming DVD release.
I felt the cringe when the original posters came out, and I don’t think it was just because they’re not even in the slightest least bit funny…
Here’s a question, and it’s a doozy. Could you believe someone on Planet Mother @#$%ing Earth, in this age of Instant Internet Gratification, that anyone of the us in the path of The Giant Spoon Chock Full of Mashed Pop Culture (we all wait with our mouths open), would not know who this is?
Duly named if you cover the n
My sister, Tammie, and I carpooled today, and she dropped the bombshell about the Bombshell on me this morning. “Who’s Megan Fox?” I dropped some names of the movies she’s been in – “Transformers,” uh, the next “Transformers,” “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.” It didn’t help.
Not needed, but hey... (also not needed: butt hay)
When I picked her up after work, she had done some homework while at work. After scouring the TripleDoubleU, she told me that Megs reminded her of a more delicate Courtney Cox (ugh). I did disclose that she had some cosmetic surgery, and that I wasn’t a big fan of that. But my sister regaled in the fact she was engaged to this guy (not him, but the – oh, you’ll see):
Our other discussions weren’t as noteworthy, except for the fact that during some part of the chat I wasn’t really paying attention to, I almost threw up in my mouth when she told me she and her fiance have “mutual trust.” (I almost gagged again.) I don’t know why. I think it conjures S&M or something. Gross.
Oh, and one last thing: the song at the beginning of the trip was Weezer’s “Troublemaker.” The song at the end – “Troublemaker.” Ah, modern radio.
Okay, so maybe not so much ruin them… But just as the dog’s mouth watered whenever Pavlov rang that bell, you will not NOT think of the words to these wordless scores ever again. You’ve been warned…
Oh, and Happy Angel’s Night (says the guy who has to stay home and guard his house like he’s Kevin McCallister on Christmas).
Update: My sister, Becky, helped me “uncover” one other toy.
With Halloween upon us, I feel it is my civic duty to challenge any or all of you ladies out there that are: A) creative and B) like to… sexy it up… (I was going to put “slutty it up,” but here I did anyway.)
Now let it be known, I’m all about nostalgia, and in addition to that, I’m for the sexification/sluttification of said nostalgia. I mean, isn’t that what Halloween is all about anyway… in a non-nostalgic way? (Maybe regular candy has evolved into eye candy.)
But here’s the challenge: we’ve all seen the Strawberry Shortcakes, Rainbow Brites, She-Ras, and Jems. I still have a fondness for Jabba Palace Leia (especially when there’s a bunch of them pillow fighting), and kudos to those ladies that work wonders as a Care Bear (whodathunk Grumpy could look cheery). What follows are my suggestions… my outside-the-(cardboard)-box starters, if you will.
To begin: how about Herself the Elf?
Sure, she’s not too unlike any other fairies (goth girls, whut-whut!), but no one is going around proclaiming, “I’m Herself the Elf!” Another idea (and in this line there are plenty of options) – what about a Charmkin?
Mmm... bendy
The bulk of the costume would be standard fare, but the kicker is the ring on your head with a giant charm necklace going through it. Can you imagine that? How about Blinkins?
I wanna say something about curtains and carpets...
No pants and a light up bottom? If that’s a no-go, then let’s go with the girl’s version of Transformers (or maybe more-so GoBots) – Sweet Secrets.
The secret is these toys suck.
You could even go as far as these guys and make your shell open up so you can hide inside. Another great venture would be the alternative to the two-man horse… the two woman My Little Pony. (Argue over whom gets which end!)
Also pictured: My Little Hair Brush
My last idea is by far not the least. My final challenge (and if anyone pulls this off send me pics) – Alf’s Melmacian lost love, Rhonda. I’ll leave the details to you.
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 