This could be will be the greatest film ever. It’s set to arrive here in May. Not sure if it will come in theaters or on DVD, but Magnolia’s handling the distribution, so it could be a simultaneous release.
And I’m all about the simultaneous release. Like when you’re helping to hold a fridge or a heavy cabinet, and you both let it go on the count of three… yeah, just like that.
Gather ’round, gather ’round, kiddies… it’s time for another one of Uncle Sean’s drunk stories… this one is about a Halloween party where I learned a hard life lesson…
I consider myself a cardboard specialist. Sort of a masterboarder, if you will. Two examples:
Get it? Duck-Duck-Goose! Ah, go duck yourself.
I ain't afraid of no--OMG! Is that orb a ghost?!
Your Aunt Tammie and Uncle Will wanted something simple, cheap, and quick a few Halloween’s back. She came up with the concept; I came up with the design.
A Halloween or two prior to that, I studied my “Ghostbusters” accessories, and mocked up a poor man’s version (a.k.a. child’s version) of their Proton Pack to go along with my tan jumpsuit and patches.
My talent first revealed itself to me a Halloween or two prior to that one. (There was one party in the middle where I grew out my beard and hair and went as Tom Hanks in “Cast Away.” I was going to follow-up as Robert Duvall in “THX 1138” the next year by shaving my head, but I went on vacation instead. As if you cared.)
The event that birthed my boardery occurred at a private gathering in the basement of a hall. Upstairs, a wedding reception was held, and upon walking through the front doors of the hall, the groom exclaimed, “Optimus Prime!”
Michael Bay, eat your heart out.
He didn’t yell to Uncle Jay, “Starscream!” He yelled the character I was playing. (Although he did also shout “Dogma!” when he saw Uncle Chris dressed as Matt Damon in the film – he was a wingless angel in armor. Nerd!)
Later in the night, prior to the police arriving to break up the Halloweed festivities, a group of us would eventually make our way back up to the reception to seek out more alcohol. There’s video somewhere out there of Optimus Prime and Starscream dancing with the bride and bridesmaids. But that’s not what this tale’s about.
Despite the fact that Jay and I won Best Couple (again, before that whole cop crackdown thing), there was a bitter Energon cube I was forced to swallow. While talking to a pair of G.I. Janes, my good old buddy was getting all the attention. I blew up. “I’m the leader of the Autobots,” I began. “Starscream doesn’t lead anything. In fact all he does is whine to Megatron. It’s his wingspan, isn’t it? It’s always about the wingspan. Don’t lie and tell me differently.”
Thank Cybertron the boys in blue cancelled the show.
MORAL OF THE STORY: No matter what you do, no matter how much you accomplish in life, girls always love the bad boys.
Gather ’round, gather ’round, kiddies… it’s time for one of Uncle Sean’s drunk stories… this one is about something that only happens in the movies… or when you’re really drunk…
Once upon a time there was a welcoming place called Cadillac Cafe. It was called the Alibi before that, and many other names since then, but for a brief period of time, under that moniker it existed.
Sure, it was a ways from home, but it was a straight shot up the Grand River. Let it be known that in this place, a wonderful and strange event happened, that may or may not have happened the way I remember it.
At this time, I used to be a helper at a local doctors’ office. I would do menial tasks, such as file forms and file claims. I was but a boy working amongst mostly older women. In hindsight, I should have taken a job at the local eatery or merchant with others my age, but such is life.
A few of the women I worked with were closer to my age, and we would make it a point to collect a gathering of folks and visit the Cafe on weekends. Fun was always had – even if your Uncle Jay may not agree. Ask him about the time he stepped on a fair maiden’s hand that he liked while they were “freaking.” She broke a nail. His spirit broke – it was great. Also, one of his future ex-mistresses happened to work there, though he didn’t know it at the time. What a small world!
On the day of the event, I had my share of libations and I took to the dance floor as I was wont to do. For whatever reason, on this eve, as I was out there “skanking,” another fellow took up the space beside me and did the same. A crowd slowly formed around us as the songs continued. People chanted and cheered. Him and his friends took turns, tapping out on one another’s shoulders. Each of them had different styles of moves. (I had three at best.) But I remained on my own the entire time. It felt like the glow from a light up above was shining down on me (it was – from a ceiling fan… Cadillac Cafe was a restaurant during normal hours… didn’t I mention that?)
Once the last song ended, my competitors and I parted ways without a word or second glance. My friends dubbed their leader “Powder” because he resembled this guy:
Same guy that was in Boondock Saints and Young Indy Jones... different complexion... same hat?
And they declared me the winner. But there were no winners that day… only losers.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Don’t get into real-life dance-offs. They’re gay. (Sorry HilDuff!)
BONUS: A song by another co-worker-at-the-time’s friend’s band – Drunk Uncle by the Miracle Berries.
Knowing about the following song won us a small victory at trivia last night (we took second place because I thought the movie “Poseidon” took place on Christmas rather than New Year’s).
The question in question: Name one of two songs that had the word “disco” in it that hit #1 in 1976. I swore that this song was the best option aside from “Disco Inferno” and “Disco Fever” (which I don’t even think is a real song):
Turned out I was right. Turns out the other song option was “Disco Lady” (?)
Shadoe Stevens... A Hollywood Square
Rick Dees... Weekly Top Dorky
The biggest mistake I made (aside from the upside-down boat holiday movie inquiry) was thinking the song was song by this (<–) guy:
And not this (–>) guy:
In conclusion, here’s some random 70’s awesomeness from the Midnight Special that I’m so inclined to buy on DVD (damn you infomercials and my insatiable DVD addiction!) It’s either that or the Dean Martin Variety Show.
For further trivia thrills (ha! yeah right), try to name everyone in the cast on “Futurama.” I bet you’ll miss at least two, like we did.
For further betting thrills, go to the race track.
I’m having a post-Christmas meltdown at work today. It’s like acid-reflux of the soul. To express how bad I feel, I present… the worst moments in “Batman & Robin”:
I wish I had a million dollars! No, I really mean it...
My favorite film of all time is “It’s a Wonderful Life!”
Call me maudlin, call me a tool, call me a sap (which would render me a sentimental tree tap?) Okay you can add “lame” to that list, but if you do not agree, you may need to give the flick another look.
The story of a man unknowingly fulfilling his destiny is a classic unparalleled. There are some moments so honest in the film that I wish cloning existed to give us another Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed.
The reason I bring it up today (besides the obvious Christmas ties) is to tie it to another one of two other subjects:
Yum yum for my tum... is that peanut butter mixed with mango?
For those of you unfamiliar with the independent cut-scenes from a video game film, here’s the preview:
The ties between films are as follows:
Okay, there’s not much of a connection between them, and if I ever see “Delgo,” I may be hard pressed to expand that list. The biggest purpose for bringing the creepy CGI film up is because the production breaks my heart. On it’s opening weekend, the movie averaged two viewers per showing. Two.
From Yahoo:
…the making of “Delgo” has the makings of a great Hollywood underdog story. 36-year-old entrepreneur Marc Adler decided he wanted to direct and produce a $40 million computer animated kids’ flick completely independent of Tinseltown behemoths like Disney and Dreamworks.
…And when Adler couldn’t get a Hollywood studio interested in his movie, he raised eyebrows by releasing it himself through distributor-for-hire Freestyle Releasing. It was a huge risk; one that ultimately didn’t pay off. There wasn’t the sort of marketing budget needed to make a film stand out in the already crowded holiday movie season.
Okay, it doesn’t help the movie received horrible reviews, and its main stars were Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt, but–
Wait! There’s another correlation between the films:
I’m beginning to suspect that this cable access feature from the 90’s might have come from the archive of Michael Bay’s earlier works. Notice the quick editing and flashy zooming jump cuts. The action and the mystery never takes a break.
I’m fairly certain this inspired “Bad Boys.” Compare the clips and see for yourself.
(Henrietta’s gloriously unexpected solo courtesy of Videogum)
Itsnotta Scroogeman!
Monday Night Football Trivia was in full effect last night, and I learned that there were more U.S. soldiers in the Korean War vs. the Vietnam War, Turkey was not only a part of the Ottoman Empire and Iran was not only Persia (they were both a part of Mesopotamia), and prior to “Titanic,” the highest grossing Best Picture winner was “Forrest Gump.”
While the competition occurred (we were in third place before the last question, but we wagered all of our points on “Gone With the Wind” on guess-which-question), these were some of the topics of discussion:
We talked about how their midnight madness sales could be called “nocturnal emissions” and that the idea for the event “came to them at night.” This was the least crass example – trust me.
In case you’ve been living under a rock or in a coma (which in the cases of you really being a hermit or a recently awakened patient, then I’m sorry about the sarcasm), next March may or may not be the month that “Watchmen” gets marched out (see what I did there with the, um, doubling months thing).
There’s still a lawsuit pending between Fox and Warner Bros. over the rights to the story, but little did I know how much this affected me. All night I dreamt about this movie. My brain tried to convince me it was going to be crappy, too. I saw images of the film being projected on screen as though it were still a comic book graphic novel.
It was comparable to this:
(from DarthsandDroids.com)
Or even worse, the first “Hulk” flick.
What follows at the bottom of the post is the most recent preview for “Watchmen.” It can’t be bad, can it? Like “Sin City 2” “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow 2” “The Spirit” level bad?
All I’m saying is Fox better not fuck this up for me… I don’t know if I can take more nights of tossing and turning and seeing the Comedian so sad (he’s the guy with the moustache at the start of the preview). The kicker is Fox doesn’t even want shared profits – they don’t want it released! Fox owes me for cancelling many-a-splendid shows, such as “Arrested Development,” “Firefly,” “Futurama,” “The Tick,” and “Profit.”
They sure as hell better not cancel “Watchmen.”
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