In honor, anticipation, and fear of desperate loathing for next week’s release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, here are some of the film’s stars in what could quite possibly be the best robot song ever…
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Well, maybe that’s the second best. You be the judge.
(There are more tags than words in this post. Hee hee!)
Since this blog is an open book to all my weaknesses, it’s sorta turned into my (NERD ALERT!) Xavier Protocols. Of my weaknesses (vanilla-scented anything falls high on that list), loud noises while I sleep smacks near the top. On the night of these particular dreams, I fell asleep with the television on only to be awakened by a loud lawyer commercial.
Okay, it wasn’t that one, but imagine if the explosions were audible, then you’d get the picture.
Anyambulancechaser, in the first dream, I encountered a new breed of night creatures… the WHERE-WOLVES. How were they different than werewolves? Let me explain with a (NERD ALERT!) toy from the remake reboot whatever second Hulk movie:
You see, in the flick, which I have not seen, the dude on the right mutates into the monster on the left. This toy, called the Hulk Deluxe Mutating Abomination, does not mutate at all. Instead of either really mutating by adding water, or by simply imagining that it happens, the little guy fits into a compartment on the back of the big guy. Dumb? You bet.
Well that’s pretty much how where-wolves worked. Wolves merged with their host humans so both could exist. To recombine, humans hovered over the wolves. Now that you’ve pictured it, moving on…
My other dream involved a (NERD ALERT!) Star Wars character. Growing up, I knew this bounty hunter…
…as Zuckuss and this guy…
…as 4-LOM. But as it turned out, the original Kenner toy line had it wrong in the 80’s, and with the re-releases of the toys in the 90’s, they rectified the problem and named each of them correctly. To me though, Zuckuss will always be 4-LOM and 4-LOM will be Zuckuss. Until I was corrected in a dream. This guy…
…showed up to tell me his name really was Allen.
INGREDIENTS: Turkey and provolone on a bagel and a Mountain Dew. And beer.
Sure… during my month of not boozing, I might have woke up each morning with an extra bounce in my step, but at work, more mistakes were made and more things were forgotten. Yeah, it’s possible I slept better or longer (courtesy of passing out) during the many sauced months that came before, or that the heaped upon hours I spent in front of the boob tube boobed out my noggin and rendered my work performance lackluster.
So I started to wonder… maybe I’m smarter under the influence. I do play a lot of trivia at the bar, and maybe that’s like running with ankle-weights for my brain. Research ensued and I discovered this headline:
Whuuuuhhh?!
Dost thine eyes deceive, um, me?
From the BBC article:
Mice fed moderate quantities of alcohol grew extra brain cells, but also showed a preference for alcohol over water.
Lead researcher Professor Stefan Brene said: “We believe that the increased production of new nerve cells during moderate alcohol consumption can be important for the development of alcohol addiction and other long-term effects of alcohol on the brain.”
Okay, maybe it doesn’t sound perfectly fantastic – or does it?
Alternatively, the extra cells might help with learning and memory, [Brene] said. Another theory, according to the researchers, is that the tranquilising effect of alcohol triggers the growth. All of the new cells developed normally.
My favorite line:
A spokeswoman from the Campaign for Real Ale said: “It is well known that alcohol in moderation is good for your body so it’s no surprise it’s also good for your mind. “Maybe that is why lots of pub quiz teams are so bright.”
Some other favorite lines… from The Legend of Bagger Vance:
Rannulph Junnah: Now, the question on the table is how drunk is drunk enough? And the answer is that it’s all a matter of brain cells
Hardy Greaves: Brain cells?
Rannulph Junnah: That’s right Hardy. You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That’s ok, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.
And then there’s always Cliff Clavin’s take:
Well you see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
I had several idols growing up…
Because of my heroes from the Tigers, I’ve always felt at home in the outfield or behind home plate. Because of Luke and Indy, I learned to stand up for what’s right, and still do, whether if it’s my friends (and the galaxy far, far away) that are in trouble or if there’s an artifact that belongs in a museum.
But with TV – that glorious, nuturing glass nipple – I’m not sure if everything’s the same.
I was a Conservative Republican in my youth because of Marty McFly Alex P. Keaton. Not only was President Reagan keeping us “safe” from global nuclear disaster, Michael J. Fox’s character on Family Ties knew a thing or two about money… and what kid doesn’t like money? Since then, I’ve become more of a political moderate, and money is not the end all I thought it once was (I can get candy and toys whenever I want, you see).
Not a mug shot... Although he's in court...
While I looked up to Mike Seaver, I never got into The Boss or harassed either of my sisters into anorexia like he did. I’m not sure what I admired him for except for his confidence (and his MILF… and his WILF), but it sure as hell wasn’t his beliefs…
When it comes to Zack Morris, it’s a little bit different, though. We were both in high school at the same time. He was a likable kid that couldn’t quite get the cool and pretty Kelly Kapowski. I was going through the same thing in my mind life with a girl I had a crush on.
But how is he different from Ferris Bueller or Parker Lewis, one might ask? My response: he was believable. Zack Morris, even with his time-outs and asides, seemed like a kid you could know, and the credit for that goes to Mark-Paul Gosselaar. That’s why whenever he gets more chances to move on in his career, I applaud him, like when he was in NYPD Blue or in Raising the Bar, or last night on…
Never mind.
This is unspeakably insanely awesome. Watch it and guess what year it was made…
Is that a giant onion in his diaper?
If you guessed anything but 1999, you’re an idiot!
For a second, I thought that bridge was the same one that was in Silver Bullet (at the 2:oo minute mark), but I was wrong. Who’s the idiot now?!
(via Everything is Great Terrible, as per usual)
I don’t know of any better way to convey this oddity of a dream that stuck with me. So here it is chronologically. Now with 100% more pictures!
I started off on a cruise ship that went to an island (of course), and I took a helicopter out to sea.
Dramatization (not an actual plier-mouthed porpoise)
And because I was afraid of heights (from being in the helicopter), I jumped into ocean, hitched on ride on tandem jet ski, and saw huge porpoises with wrench-like teeth and giant dolphins leaping over row boats and other jet skis.
Once I reached dry land found, I found a tiny zebra and a tiny cougar (both were pocket-sized).
I carried them around we me (in my pockets, natch) until I witnessed a tsunami coming ashore from opposite directions.
Then it suddenly turned into “real life” and I was at one of my company’s clients that sells medical equipment. I gave my tiny zebra and my tiny cougar to their employees, so they could be cared for.
I ended up finding out that the medical supplier had started manufacturing meat products out of zebras and cougars in general, so I narc’d reported them to the authorities.
I thought they were marketing the meat as ‘hamburger,’ but in fact, they were selling it as ‘wild game’ to a restaurant near my office.
INGREDIENTS: Jellybean Nerds and Mountain Dew
In real life, most of us have been fortunate enough to avoid problems such as
So the bulk of us can understand how difficult it would be to try to act out one of those very same scenarios, with so little personal experience to build on.
Where do you go inside yourself to uncover the characters’ motivation? Do they teach workshops at the local community college? Are there clips on YouTube that demonstrate what it takes?
Awful battle… GO!
*the film was called Troll 2, but it was about goblins.
All right. All right! We get it!
Isn’t Bruno irreverent?
Isn’t Eminem so angry?
Personally, I prefer Andy Samberg and “Neil Diamond” singing about guys walking away from explosions like they just don’t care. Kind of like I did from the hot mess that was the MTV Movie Awards.
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BONUS: 10 seconds worth of 5 Second Films.
I’m well aware that there’s been much ballyhoo about the fact that we’ll see a few movies this year that all have to deal with the Roman Numeral IX. There’s three – count ’em, three – similarly named, though completely different, films:
And for the record, we already had a Ryan Reynolds flick (as if he’s a genre) two years ago that was called The Nines.
What is it about understated titles that these filmmakers and producers find so appealing? Does it save on toner? Why couldn’t they have used different numbers, or even letters for that matter? There are a lot of numbers and letters ripe for the plucking.
In the spirit of beating a dead horse, why don’t we take a look at a gallery of movie posters that kept the titles simple for the hearts and minds and marquee changers of America:
(IN CASE YOU DIDN’T NOTICE: Steven Spielberg has directed three of the above.)
I'm sad because I can't spell, and I don't know if there was ever a sequel.
When “my boss” Paul was just “my friend” in our youth, he was a music fanatic. He followed trends and made his own version of Billboard magazine. That all stopped around 1996. You can tell by the CD case he keeps in his car.
Top 5 Foreign Language Top 40 Hits (Top That!)
5. Macarena – Los Del Rio
Per Paul: “C’mon, you know you danced to it when it came out in the mid 90’s. It’s hard to find five good songs, so here it sits.”
4. La Bamba – Los Lobos
Per Paul: “Slightly hipper version of the 50’s classic from an awesome movie. Not my Richie, Bob. Not Richie.”
Per me: Can you say a movie about a plane crash is awesome? But then again, I’d say LOST is awesome, so there.
3. Rock Me Amadeus – Falco
Per Paul: “Sad that Falco dies in a car crash awhile back. I actually like the remixed radio version better than the original, but it’s hard to find. Probably THE best song in history about a dead music composer.”
2. 99 Luftballons – Nena
Per Paul: “Pretty good song in English, also. I like Goldfinger’s remake better than the original.”
Per me: He really likes this song.
1. Sadeness Part 1 – Enigma
Per Paul: “Gregorian chants and a sexy female background vocal make this my number one. [Natch – Ed.] Also, it was featured later on in a nude scene from Boxing Helena featuring the hot store clerk from Christmas Vacation – Nicolette Scorsese.”
Per me: I was going to apologize for putting the graphic at the top which gave this entry away, but I instead I’ll say this: I need to see Boxing Helena.
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