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Drunken Recollection… Cogs And Truth Bombs (And A Hooters’ Barstool Trick?)

Posted on July 19, 2009 by sgottahurt

gears This may be surprising, but I can get talkative when I’m drunk. I know, right!

What this means is that I theorize and pontificate, and generally make an ass of myself.

But sometimes ideas occur to me that are worth remembering…

For example, one idea I had was how people are a lot like cogs. Some people are big cogs and others are small cogs. And they spin at different rates to keep up with each other or because of each other. Some of them don’t touch but are rotating due to a shared gear. Okay, there was a whole lot more that went into this, but you get the idea. I rambled on and on for awhile (remember: druh-unk), and it seems to be happening again. Moving on…

Another thought that entered my noggin was the notion of truth bombs, and how I wish you could drop them on anyone and everyone to let the other person know where you stand in your thoughts about them.

I was reminded of two movies that used truth bombs: For Love of the Game and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

In For Love, Kelly Preston’s character tells Kevin Costner’s character that she wishes people could carry around chalkboards on which they could write what they were thinking. He asks her what she would write, and she writes on a napkin, “Yes.” Then they do it. Well, it goes down something like that, but that example is not really what I’m hoping to convey.

In Eternal Sunshine, at its finale (SPOILER ALERT!), Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet confess all their faults to each other before trying to get back together after wiping their memories. Yeah, that’s a little closer, but I digress.

I thought this concept was pretty original, but then I uncovered the definition for truth bomb in the Urban Dictionary:

(noun) A fact or piece of knowledge that, when told to a listener, is devastating to the listener’s argument or world view.

“Dude, I dropped a truth bomb on my priest at confession yesterday. I slipped him The DaVinci Code, which disproves his whole religion!”
Tupac dropped truth bombs on the American people, letting them know what it’s like to live in the ‘hood.

So… so much for all that.

How about a Hooter’s waitress performing the infamous rodeo barstool trick to wipe the memories of this post (you hold up a napkin with the word “Yes” on it). My cog just spun yours, and you’re welcome:

(SIDE NOTE: Why is everyone at the news station just going along with this? And in the morning? And as a reminder about something called “Wings for Kids”? And did you see the guy in burgundy in the background trying to watch without getting caught watching? And… just… why?)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Camping Is Not A Good Time For Nightmares

Posted on July 15, 2009 by sgottahurt

This post could have easily turned into a Drunken Recollection, considering the amount of beers downed over my time camping. As I explained to my sister, when I was on a cruise, I had documentation of how quickly I could finish a drink: every 15 minutes. She didn’t believe me, so she checked the clock on her phone and timed me. I didn’t rush. I casually chatted and played ladder golf. 11 minutes. I’m not proud. Well, maybe a little.

Anylowenbrau, both nights while in my tent, I was awakened with a start. Was it the booze? Was it the location? Who cares knows, but both dealt with unstoppable killers.

The first night’s dream started off okay. It featured the lovely Julie Bowen.

I tried. She changed her number.

Sure, she was breaking up with me, but I was keeping calm. I remember saying, “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t still love me.” And she couldn’t. So WIN!

Somebody was trying to interview me about my latest book, and we kept trying to move to quieter areas in the nightclub. Eventually, we were in the alley, where my car was parked. The trunk was open, and a sewer portal was running through it.

The interviewer spotted a mining cap and pick axe and reached for it. I warned him not too, and that’s when this guy appeared:

Pote Snitkin cleans up pretty nice.

At least that’s the closest approximation of the horror that chased me. And he would not stop. At one point, I was on a roof top, and as he darted at me, he ran into a wall and fell over the side of the building.

Feeling safe, I proceeded to climb down the ladder not far from his crushed face and distorted body. As I neared the ground, he smiled and started sitting up. I woke up immediately.

The next night, my cousin’s stepson was telling me about this video showing the ghost of Michael Jackson. People that know me and/or keep up on this site know how I feel about ghosts. But I was determined not to let a ten year old see my eyes well up. Luckily, upon returning home, I discovered this explanation of the “phenomenon”:

But it still didn’t help the fact that the second night, I had a dream I was driving around at night and saw a bunch of people running in the streets. Cars were hitting people and they were flying everywhere. I saw the UPS guy that brings PC deliveries to our office get struck, so I stopped my car to check on him. As I did, a big zombie burly guy in a jump suit appeared behind me and shanked me – another one of my greatest fears.

This dream woke me in the middle of the night. I had to pee, but I had no flashlight. I went anyway. It proves I’m a big boy. I can handle anything.

Except MJ’s ghost…

Not good timing, at all...

Hibbidy-Wah?! Teenage Mutant Ninja Heartthrob?

Posted on July 6, 2009 by sgottahurt

I have been saving this video for awhile, waiting for the right time to post it.

Essentially, I having been saving myself for this lady. This lady… of my heart.

(video after the jump… because it kept playing “Where’s Your Head At?” by Basement Jaxx automatically) Read More

JusWondering… Are Orci And Kurtzman Running A Pyramid Scheme?

Posted on July 2, 2009 by sgottahurt

Great Pyramid? How about Mediocre instead...

There’s been plenty of chatter on the TripleDoubleU regarding the new Travesty Transformers movie. I’ve not only made a slight mention here on this site, but I’ve voiced my opinion on Topless Robot’s threads as well. The big debacle over the films many weaknesses boils down to this question:

Who’s fault is it?

As I’ve detailed above, depending upon the director, crap can transform into dysentary (see: pic above) or crap can screen flair (see: Star Trek). In Hollywood, screenwriters have little to do with the final film, if anything with the process at all. Haven’t you ever heard the blonde joke about the wannabe starlet sleeping with the writer? Steve Martin even made light of this fact in his underrated Bowfinger.

Go-to-writers-du-jour Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman are a lot like this candy-dispensing product:

: Have a cow… pie, man!

Together, they’ve written the following films:

The Island
The Legend of Zorro
Mission: Impossible III
Transformers
Star Trek
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

And like that candy dispenser, each one is a jellybean that in retrospect reminds us of bovine dung.

Here’s the breakdown of each attempt at writing:

The Island was a rip-off of three 70’s sci-fi films (Logan’s Run, Parts: The Clonus Horror, and THX-1138), and it was directed by Michael Bay. It was partly filmed in Detroit, and you can see a painted portrait of Steve Yzerman in the background at one point (plus Scarlett Johanssonthroughout), so to not be a complete hater – this flick is tolerable. But only for those reasons. Seriously, catch the older (schlocky) trio of sci-fi “classics” then watch The Island. Bay and the Boys borrowed quickly and liberally.

Does anybody remember the Zorro sequel? *crickets*crickets*

Mission: Impossible IIIwas competent (I still like the first one best). Although he was kind of douchey when he directed the episode of Jimmy Kimmel he was on, JJ Abrams handled this film well enough. I still believe the sequence where Tom Cruise chased the “Rabbit’s Foot” through the streets of Shanghai could have been longer, and Philip Seymour Hoffman could have been given more scenes to chew on (plus more Maggie Q). Mission: Decently Distracted.

Transformers was the second re-teaming of the screenwriters and Bay. It’s been said that producer Steven Spielberg placed emphasis on the fact that the film was ultimately about a boy and his alien (car). And after five hours of CGI robot action, the first hour of the first film is still best. Although, I do like seeing the Detroit landmarks in the final battle, so this film was also okay in my book, despite the lack of common sense and clearly defined action scenes. Moral of the story: if Bay films in the Motor City, my criticism dwindles. Moral of another story: Spielberg’s kind of losing his touch, eh?

Star Trek, also directed by JJ, was solid, but not perfect. The origin story introduced some neat twists and surprises, but Kirk with puffy hands?! Scotty going through water pipes?! A tad amateurish (and the fault of the writers, I’d suspect).

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the Third Turd of Bay and the Boys, was rushed to production. They didn’t get anytime for a rewrite, and it sadly shows. Sure, Bay might have made a lot of poor decisions (robot crying, robot humping, robot minstrels, robot balls), but the script’s plot made little sense. (Why would the Prime’s have to sacrifice to hide the Matrix of Leadership instead of killing the Fallen? Why would they hide it on Earth? See the Topless Robot link above.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: if JJ Abrams made Transformers, imagine how “cool” it would be. Then imagine if Michael Bay made Star Trek… (It’s like that ending speech in A Time to Kill…)

Perhaps Orci and Kurtzman aren’t the worst screenwriters on the planet, but they need to branch out a bit more to tell for sure.

(FINAL NOTE: JJ worked on the script for Bay’s Armageddon. It was a fun ride that went on too long and pulled way too hard at the heart strings. Srsly, how many things could possibly go wrong in trying to get off a space rock? Apparently, everything. More importantly: how was Armageddon a film in the Criterion Collection?!)

Happy Find… 3-Minute Movies (Via Everything Is Terrible)

Posted on July 1, 2009 by sgottahurt

I’ve posted about my love of 5 Second Films before, but for those uninitiated, here’s a sample:

Well, on another favorite site of mine, Everything is Terrible, they’ve been perfecting their craft of the 3-Minute Movie edit, even though two of the most recent releases have fallen under 180 seconds.

From the Stephen Baldwin/Tom Berenger collaboration, Cutaway:

Brain-‘sploding intensity from Scanner Cop II:

And although this is not from EIT, it sums up Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen perfectly. (NOTE: It feels long even though it’s one minute long.)

Hibbidy-Wah?! Black People And White People Buy Furniture?!

Posted on June 28, 2009 by sgottahurt

I recently found this video of a weird local commercial for, what else, a furniture store:

Consider my mind blown! This couldn’t be real, could it? I mean, was it serious? Did it have lofty goals of promoting racial harmony and couches? Courtesy of my new skill set (BOOM! Research!), I uncovered this…

Ugh. I feel defeated. I wanted that commercial to be legit. I feel duped like most people did with The Blair Witch Project.

(SIDENOTE 1: When I was in high school, parents had to write something great about their kids for the yearbook. My mom didn’t know what to write, so I wrote my own. Some girls in my class had told me they thought what my family wrote was really sweet. For some stupid reason, I told them that I wrote it. The look on their faces must have been like mine when I watched that second video.)

(SIDENOTE 2: When I saw The Blair Witch Project, I took a friend that did not know it was fake. He was relatively unaffected by the flick, but the dude in front of me was freaking out when they found that eye, or tongue, whatever it was, wrapped in gauze. Totally worth it for that.)

So back to the current disappointment. At least this is real, right?

My Thoughts On Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen… In Photoshop

Posted on June 24, 2009 by sgottahurt

Revenge of the Fail, indeed. To blame the voice actors... tsk-tsk, Mr. Directors.

JusWondering… Do The Kids Even Know What A Record Scratch Is Anymore?

Posted on June 23, 2009 by sgottahurt

There’s a commercial that plays here in Detroit which uses the record scratch sound to express a shock. I can’t recall the product or manufacturer to present an example, but for those of you born in the *gulp* 90’s, the sound occurs at the 0:52 mark in this excellent mash-up:

iTod Meet Coaster Spinner With Weird Arm Thingee?

And I’m being serious here. Why would any modern advertisement resort to such an out-dated cliche? I’m sure the writers thought they were being funny (as I often do and fail miserably), but a record scratch? A RECORD SCRATCH?

Here’s some other things I’ve been JusWondering about:

1) In the song, Only Wanna Be With You, does Hootie cry about the Miami Dolphins, or about “the dolphins” in general (since he’s friends with “the Blowfish,” you see)?

2) Is l33t speak still called that? Because it seems kinda like that term’s jumped the shark?

3) Has the term jumped the shark nuked the fridge?

4) Is it just me, or shouldn’t She’s a Beauty totally be a song by Chicago or at least Peter Cetera, instead of The Tubes? It should have been in Mannequin, too. (Was it in that?)

Kim Cattrall’s stiffest performance

5) Much ballyhoo has been made about Conan O’Brien being a neophyte in L.A., but didn’t he live there when he wrote for The Simpsons? (Boom! Research! He lived there when he wrote for HBO’s Not Necessarily the News… No specifics on his home whilst he was on his Homer bender, but I’m still pretty sure he was at least in Hollywood. Turn that ballyhoo into boo!)

Drunken Recollection… News At The Speed Of Twitter

Posted on June 20, 2009 by sgottahurt

Last night, while playing trivia at the bar (natch), a question came up (natch) that we made an educated guess on (unnatch… we usually guess blindly).

The question in question:

In what year was the stamp first used:

1640

1780

1860

1910

True story. Also explains BGP... ("Beer Goggle Phenomenon")

Since my intelligence increases exponentially with the amount of alcohol intook (intaked? intaken? I’m not drunk enough to know this right now!), I stumbled upon a method of deduction.

In ye days of ole, peasants probably wouldn’t speak to each other via any other method but their mouth or fastest son. Maybe a carrier pigeon if they figured that bit out. And monarchs had messengers, as did this country’s forefathers. Remember, they had that whole bit about wax seals (not to be confused with wax walruses).

So we talked and chatted it up. WWI would be way to late, and it seemed like the Old West would have had mail. Then it struck me – The Pony Express! I didn’t know what year they were around, but 1860 sounded ’bout right. And lo! ‘Twas!

We hooted and hollered it up and guessed performed well the remainder of the game… until Doc Holliday tripped us up. Actually, it was Satine. From the movie Moulin Rouge! (The producer’s exclamation point – not mine.) We could not for the love of the game of trivia think of tuberculosis, as in “What did she die from?” We knew Doc had it, and maybe Walt Kowalski had it, but alas, we did not get it. Farewell sweet $100…

But I digress. All of the above is not what this post was supposed to be all about. I know it is so far, but bear with me. This is about a little unexpected experiment that occurred after trivia, and it ties in with the Pony Express.

This took me way longer to make than I would have liked. Speaking of which - do you like?

Right after the game, my friend and I thought it would be funny to put on Twitter that he and his girlfriend (whom was sitting beside him) had broken up. Not even a minute after posting it via my lovely iPhone (it’s just a 3G, not a 3GS – don’t H8), each of their phones were blowing up. Followers Friends on Twitter asked for details and offered denials. It was amazing.

Okay, I guess the bulk of this post was about the Pony Express after all.

(Sorry Sue about all the damage control, but remember what I do is in the name of comedy, whether people find it funny or not!)

No wonder Twitter Bird is so fast!

Worth 1002 Words… Effing Gross Edition

Posted on June 19, 2009 by sgottahurt

Dinty Less

Some alternates:

Canned Laughter
Chef Boy-are-deez-teeth?
The Stuff

(Thanks Dave… no not really)

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