Film

Awful Battle… ‘R-Words’ On Film (Psst – The ‘R’ Stands For ‘R-Word’)

Posted on by sgottahurt

How r-worded is it that we can’t say the r-word anymore?  To me, it implies that those people who are mentally challenged are r-worded when I don’t think of them that way.  R-worded people that do f-wording stupid things are r-worded!  Does this logic make any sense?  Or am I being completely r-worded on this one…

In the name of satire (according to Sarah Palin’s definition <– please check out the embedded video), I’ve collected a list of items that I consider r-worded, in relation to Actors! who played r-words on film.

Pretend that they’re the R-Word A-Wards:

BONUS: My unexplainable crush on Meghan McCain might have regained some steam after I realized her opinion of Sarah Palin’s opinion complements my opinion.  Video here.

InASense, Lost… Smurfs Get Smurfed The Smurf Up!

Posted on by sgottahurt

If anyone is holding their breath for a live-action Smurfs film, keep holding your breath.  Not so much because the movie isn’t happening, but because we need to strengthen the gene pool.

That being said, next year marks the release of Avatar 2, er, I mean, The Smurfs, and this is sample CGI rendering of one:

You've seen one Smurf, you've seen one hundred...

It’s supposed to take place in New York’s Central Park (for some reason), and a live Actor! will portray Gargamel (although one would guess that Azrael would also be animated… you know, because a good cat Actor! is hard to come by these days).

Anyblue, the movie will most likely be horrible.  Unless – and this is bigger than three apples high “unless” – the film has a twist ending like this 2005 Belgium ad for UNICEF.  I don’t know if it’s supposed to make me happy or sad, but I willing to let you guess which emotion it elicits from me:

If you’re wondering what the last message’s translation happens to be, it’s this:

Don’t let war affect the lives of children.

Geez.  Thanks for taking all the fun out of the video Babel Fish.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Do Disney Heroines Have A Dress Code?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Beginning in 1937, Walt Disney set a precedent with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Was it in animation? I guess possibly.

Was it in film history? Maybe.  I think so.

Was it in– Listen man, do I look like a film major or something?  (For the record – I am.)

The precedent I speak of is a simple one: almost all Disney heroines wear blue.

EXAMPLE 1: THE DISNEY PRINCESSES

Snow White - Cinderella - Aurora (Briar-Rose) - Eilonwy - Ariel - Jasmine - Pocahontas - Mulan - Kira - Tiana

Okay, so Snow White is wearing all the primary colors, Sleeping Beauty’s dress changes back and forth between pink and blue, Eilonwy’s eyes are the bluest thing on her, and only pieces of Pocahontas and Mulan’s outfits are blue, but there’s still further proof in the pudding.

EXAMPLE 2: THE DISNEY NON-PRINCESSES

Blue Fairy - Alice - Wendy - Jenny - Belle - Esmerelda - Jane

This one’s easy. The Blue Fairy has the color in her name; Alice & Belle and Wendy & Jenny are practically twins; Esmerelda’s corset is blue and for Jane it’s her kerchief.  Blue eyes are shared by almost all of these ladies as well.  Sorry Belle (brown) and Esmerelda (green).

EXAMPLE 3: THE DISNEY ANIMALS

Jumbo - Lady - Purdy - Duchess

Lady and Purdy might only have blue collars, and Duchess only blue eyes, but Jumbo sure has one big blue blanket.  As far as the animals go, these few are lucky.  The others…

EXAMPLE 4: WILD ANIMALS AND WILD, UM, CHILDS

Bambi's Mother - Maid Marian - Bianca - Nala - Megara - Lilo

These are the unlucky ones that break the blue streak.  It makes sense that Bambi’s Mother and Nala don’t represent the traditional hue, seeing as how their stories take place in the wild, but it’s also interesting that the anthropomorphized animals (Maid Marian and Bianca) wear purple alongside the temptress-turned-heroine Megara.  I figure Lilo never wears blue since her pet “puppy” Stitch is nothing but.

So what does all this blue business mean?

Blue is the color of the sky and sea. It is often associated with depth and stability. It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, and heaven. (via Color Wheel Pro)

Hmm… those are pretty decent traits for all these characters to be associated with.  What I don’t understand is whay there has to be an emphasis on pretty…

Wait.  The emphasis was mine.  Never mind.

(Thanks to David for the tip)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Cutting Edge

Posted on by sgottahurt

a.k.a. "Clash of the Olympians"

In honor of the upcoming Winter Olympics, I thought it was my place to present a film I consider to be The Shit and all the Just Shitty things that followed.

Not enough people know about this film, in my opinion.  The Cutting Edge would be, what I consider, the perfect gateway romantic comedy.  It’s like marijuana in the form of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

What I always liked about it was that Kate (Moira Kelly) was ‘the bad boy’ and Doug (D.B. Sweeney) had to win her over.  Yet Doug was still enough of ‘a bad boy’… oh, I’m not going to go into this any further.  Just know that it’s fun and funny and will provide you with the secret passphrase amongst us “Cutting Edgers” (not to be confused with “cutters”).  HINT: It has to deal with a part of an ice skate blade.

Now, I was going to go on to explain how the TV movie/direct-to-DVD sequels were Just Shitty, but in all fairness, I haven’t seen them.  I still assume they’re Just Shitty, of course, considering their plot synopses:

The Cutting Edge 2: Going for the Gold

  • Kate and Doug’s daughter, Jackie Dorsey, wants a Gold Medal of her own.
  • She gets hurt.
  • She get teamed with a non-figure skater named Alex (he’s a surfer/in-line skater).
  • They don’t get along.
  • They secretly fall in love.
  • They have a falling out.
  • They admit their mutual love.
  • They win!

The Cutting Edge 3: Chasing the Dream

  • Zach (who?) and Celeste (?!?) want a Gold Medal of their own.
  • Celeste gets hurt.
  • Zach gets teamed with a non-figure skater named Alex (seriously – her full name is Alejandra, and she’s a hockey player… CALLBACK!)
  • They don’t get along (and get trained by Jackie Dorsey… CONTINUITY!)
  • They secretly fall in love.
  • They have a falling out.
  • They admit their mutual love.
  • They win!
  • (What happened to Celeste?  Do I smell The Cutting Edge 4: On a Slippery Slope?)

Creative, huh?

Well, I figure that’s Just Shitty enough.  I going to go on and analyze D.B. Sweeney and Moira Kelly’s lackluster careers beyond this film, but both have gotten a pretty fair shake.

I liked her better when she was younger. Whodathunk?

To be honest, I was surprised at Moira’s success in recent years (she had a decent stint on The West Wing and is still (?) on One Tree Hill which is still (?) on (?)).

As for D.B., he’s kept busy, but as far as having a fruitful roll, does Brother Bear count?  How about Spike Lee’s Miracle at St. Anna?  He’s guest starred in a lot of TV shows, though.

I bet it has to deal with his initials…

Just go by Daniel Bernard, man...

Happy Find… The Last Airbender Preview

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t have anything else to say.

I just really cannot wait for this movie.

I drool in anticipation.  (<— I was going to go with a few options other than drool, but they bordered on inappropriate.)

The Nickelodeon cartoon this adaptation is based on is one of the best I’ve fully enjoyed, and it’s a shame James Cameron beat M. Night Shyamalan to the film naming pool.  (The show was on in 2005.  But I guess Titanic earns you more weight for that cannonball than The Happening.)

Anywind, Aang is the Avatar.  Fuck Jake Sully.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

JusWondering… Criteria To Be A Child Of The 80’s

Posted on by sgottahurt

First off, let me begin by saying this:

Fuck those You might be a Child of the 80’s if… lists.

Now that that’s out of my system, let me explain why I feel that way: they’re pretentious.  All they contain are some moron’s notion of nostalgia.  They’re collections of random “a-ha! remember this!” recollections.  All puff.  No fact.

So today, I shall set out to empirically define what makes someone a Child of the 80’s, and it’s simple.

If you saw this movie at the theater on its first run:

empire_strikes_back_ver1

And you didn’t see this movie on its first run:

Then

you are

a Child of the 80’s.

If you were born between Empire Strikes Back and Back to the Future, or in the Back-to-Back Time Frame, you might believe you’re a Child of the 80’s because you remember crap on those stupid lists, but believe me, you’re not.

I might give you seeing second run E.T. or first run Return of the Jedi at the theater as a marker, but it’s doubtful you remember it.  I know that I saw The Muppet Movie, and I knew its music courtesy of a record we had as kids, but I don’t recall the experience.  This is why I’m not a Child of the 70’s.

Now just as sure as those born between the original releases of Jaws and Empire Strikes Back (The Jaw Strike Time Frame) are certified 80’s Children,  those born between Back to the Future and Home Alone (The Future Doesn’t Bode Well For Macaulay Culkin Time Frame) are Children of the 90’s.

So what does that make those born in The Back-to-Back Time Frame?

"Children of the PG-13's"

Worth 1002 Words… Tom Hanks Trash Can Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Cast Away

Some alternates…

Noooo, that should pretty much do it.

Happy Finds… Confusion Abounds

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sometimes I find too many websites that make me happy.  Today, I found four.

1) WTF Comcast – Who writes these summaries?  Who cares?  They’re hilarious and strange, and collected on this website.

Damn interns.

2) Boozecats – Here’s the math behind this website:

party photo – booze + cats = win

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" they all chanted. Because Chug was the cat's name, you see.

3) Sexy People – This picture says it all.  But if you need to hear more (if this portrait didn’t, in fact, “say it all”), check out this website.

I think I used to have the same wallpaper...

4) 100 Things I Learned – Films have a lot to teach us.  For example, here are some things people learned from watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen…

#1 – Don’t let your mom eat environmentally friendly brownies served by white kids in dreadlocks.

#6 – Michael Bay will always stress that when teleporting from America to Egypt, it will still be the middle of the afternoon.

#13 – If a Transformer saves your life from an incredibly dangerous situation, instead of thanking him, tell him you’re completely safe now and that you don’t need him anymore.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Cash-Ins, Tie-Ins, Sell Outs, And Bailouts

Posted on by sgottahurt

Let’s examine for one second which car companies sponsored which, um, sponsorees…

Frothy the Snow Cowell

Eight years ago, Ford Motor Company decided to back a show that was not much more than a flashier Star Search. 

  • Was it Coca Cola’s shared involvement? 
  • Was it a long standing crush on Paula Adbul?
  • Or was it amazing foresight from a company that renamed the Taurus the Five Hundred, and then redubbed it the Taurus again?

Turns out it doesn’t matter.  Once Kelly Clarkson happened, American Idol legitimized and therefore blew up.

Speaking of blowing up, let’s remind ourselves which guys GM got behind (or as in the case of this image – between):

"Stuck between two loose screws" - GM's new slogan

  • GM decided to back Tiger Woods through its Cadillac brand, and that was a good investment for a long time. 
  • They also paid a fair amount of cash to have their fleet of cars featured in both horrible Transformers movies, and those flicks made My Little Ponies pretty pennies.

And in the end, which car company required money from the government bailout?

"Um, Toyota?"

Nope.

"Oh hi... I didn't see you back there."

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… John Cusack

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Nananananana... I'm not listening to this post."

The quest begins to pinpoint the moment that John Cusack went from being The Shit to becoming sort of Just Shitty.

In the annals (ha!) of this category, it is not necessarily a title one’s locked into and therefore it’s totally reversible.  With his upcoming films Hot Tub Time Machine and the possible Cosmic Banditos, the turd that has become his career could shine once again.

But what caused the descent into the drain?  Let’s take a trip in the Toilet Bowl Time Machine to find out.

“THE SHIT”

There are groupings to this phase, and they go like so…

1) The Early Cameos

  • Films included: Class, Sixteen Candles, Stand By Me, Broadcast News
  • These were crucial in helping him to get his face out there, help out a former director, or branch out into other genres.

2) The Adolescent Male Fantasy

  • Films included: The Sure Thing, Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, Hot Pursuit, Tapeheads
  • This grouping, of course, made me a fan.  Well, Better Off Dead made me a fan.

3) The Teenage Girl Fantasy

  • Films included: The Journey of Natty Gann kind of, Say Anything… totally
  • By the power of Cameron Crowe’s film alone, the stage was set for Cusack’s for middle-aged (film career) doom.

4) The Serious Actor!

  • Films included: Eight Men Out, Fat Man and Little Boy (he played Little Boy, me thinks),  The Grifters, True Colors, City Hall, Money for Nothing (was it a comedy… was it a drama… does anyone remember seeing it?)
  • This was the point he started getting to work with some serious talent.  Were they hits?  Mostly misses.  Wait, I’m sorry.  Mostly Ms.

5) The Woody Allen Experiments

  • Films included: Shadows and Fog, Bullets Over Broadway
  • For a minute, it seemed like Woody was going to have a new muse in the form of Cusack.  58, 59, finished…

6) The Late Cameos

  • Films included: Bob Roberts, The Player, Map of the Human Heart, Adaptation
  • These roles were primarily favors.

7) The Beginning of the End of the Century

  • Films included: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, The Thin Red Line, Pushing Tin, Cradle Will Rock
  • Though none of these were hits – nor any good (The Thin Red Line is merely visual poetry) – they were still high-profile releases.

8) The Beginning of the End of His Reign as “The Shit”

  • Films included: Grosse Pointe Blank, Con Air, Being John Malkovich, High Fidelity
  • Arguably, my favorite group.  He wrote Grosse Pointe Blank and High Fidelity.

9) The Slippery Slope

  • Films included: America’s Sweethearts, Serendipity, Max, Identity, Runaway Jury
  • I actually liked Identity, but compare this batch to earlier batches and you’ll realize Cusack’s star-power has diminished.

“JUST SHITTY”

Some would argue that 2000 was the end of the era of his best work.  (Okay, at least I would argue, and then blame it on Y2K.)  But in 2005, John Cusack started blogging for The Huffington Post.  Then came:

10) Paint By Numbers

  • Films included: Must Love Dogs, The Ice Harvest, 1408, 2012, The Contract (released straight to DVD)
  • Um.  How about a romantic film?  Nope.
  • Action-comedy then?  Pfft.
  • Horror it is.  Not.
  • Disaster pic FTW!
  • (Direct-to-DVD FML…)

11) Independent Hopefuls

  • Films included: Martian Child, Grace is Gone, War, Inc.
  • I still intend to see these independent releases, and I may actually enjoy them, but let’s be honest.  Cusack’s Better Off Dead, Say Anything days are long behind him…