Drunken Recollection… Drips Ahoy!

There has been a Drunken Recollection I’ve been meaning to get to for awhile, but the moment has passed and the recollection is fuzzier than it ever was.  My notes on the matter:

  • Frois grois was typed as a note in my phone, which is actually foie gras… it was a conversation I had with my sister, Tammie, about how ducks and geese are force-fed to fatten up their livers.  I never heard of it, but apparently it’s getting banned in various states courtesy of animal activists.  I have no opinion or witty quip on the matter now – if I did then, consider it “pissed away.”
  • Another thing my sister brought up was an artist she knows that wrote the saying, “War leads to Poverty, Poverty leads to Peace, Peace leads to Greed, Greed leads to War.”  Man, were we in a bummy mood that night.*
  • The only light highlight was a comment from my observant sibling.  On Friday, I missed out on homemade macaroni and cheese at my old grade school because they ran out.  On Sunday, I missed hanging out with an old friend downtown at a place that serves the best homemade macaroni and cheese.  Tammie said, “This was your Mac and Cheese Denial weekend.”

Now onto the most current D.R.  It occurred at a private boat club in Wyandotte, where the usual crew set out to play an exclusive game of trivia.  There were cash prizes to be had – $50 for 1st, $30 for 2nd, and $10 for 3rd.

I arrived first, and its location reminded me of a scene in a movie where people that need to exchange a suitcase full of money, a nuclear warhead, or “whatever’s-in-the-trunk” would meet.

Inside, I had to knock on the port door to be let in.  Then I had to sign a book.  All the old regulars surrounded the bar, and all they served was beer in cans that had that faint odor of old ice.  I ordered my can and sat my can at the table near the window overlooking Lake Erie.

The others arrived and we decided to split into two teams (the better to win more money – which we did, natch!)  We quickly learned that the regulars weren’t too fond of us being there, and, oh yeah – there was a certain spot at the bar you had to order from.  The bartender could look right at you standing anywhere else and he’d look through you.

We ended up drinking enough to build a beer can pyramid, a.k.a. a beeramid, which made the regulars mad.  We each walked out with an extra five bucks each and our tab paid back.  All-in-all, I will never return there again.  Maybe.

In closing, I also learned that cenosillicaphobia meant “fear of an empty beer glass” and that I am cenosillicaphobic.

Not pictured: our beeramid. This is based on a true story.

Not pictured: our beeramid. This is based on a true story.

*Okay, I was completely (well not completely) off on the quote.  It’s from a folk song and her fiancé’s uncle wrote it down and framed it:

ALL IN A NUT SHELL

War begets poverty
Poverty peace
Peace begets wealth
Wealth beget pride
Pride is war’s ground
War begets poverty

So the world goes round

Drunken Recollection… Dressed To Kill (This Is A Funny Title… Trust Me)*

At night at the bar does not always provide teachings, but last night, I learned two things:

  1. Sometimes, to get the girl, a guy’s gotta wear a zip-up fleece and corduroy khakis.  I’m not a zip-up fleece and corduroy khaki kinda guy, so I would never get the pointy shoe and $100 blue jeans girl – not that I would want to.  Introduce me to the girl in Target jeans and Keds anytime.
  2. Is this not possibly one of the greatest movies of all time?! 
    I just ordered it on DVD, so I’ll be sure to let you know.  Brian DePalma made this in 1974, a year before Sisters and two before Carrie.  It played on a background TV out of earshot, behind the couple from Hell Hell Bean.  I’m still not sure which display was more frightening.

*check out #18 on this list

Drunken Recollection… Bible Thumping, Veggie Trumping, And Movie Pumping

Some of the conversations the crew and I have had over brews lately make me feel like I should be running my sister’s sister-site, SomethingKnew.  On her page, she goes over all the new things she learns every day – mine are things I learn over every beer.

  • Which Testament of the Bible has more books (at least according to what us Roamin’ Catholics were taught)?  We honestly had no idea, but courtesy of the TripleDoubleU on my new iPhone, there are 46 books in the Old Testament vs. 27 books in the New Testament.  The number I have heard of from both?  Maybe 30 (I didn’t feel like counting).  The number I have read?  Zero.
  • Carotene is found in carrots.  Carotene?  Carrots!  Is there bananatene in bananas?  Does Ovaltine come from ovals (sorry about the Seinfeld rip)?  Perhaps teenatene is what causes youngsters to turn emo (because it’s like the stuff in onions that makes you cry)?  Okay, I’m done.

    Teenatene was first discovered by German scientists.

    Teenatene was first discovered by German scientists.

  • What is the longest running film series?  I didn’t want to include James Bond because I figured it was automatically the longest at 22 films.  Research lead me to this: a lot people argue about this.  Some consider the length to start from the first in the series; some count every incarnation.  Many webheads reference different foreign film series that are unknown to me, so I’ve decided the second longest series is this:
    Part 14 will be "roaring" into stores this year.
    Part 14 will be “roaring” into stores this year.

    And the third longest is this:

    Part 10 will be "pulling your strings" soon!
    Part 10 will be “pulling your strings” soon!

    (Friday the 13th could be argued for hitting 12 films, but that series is dead to me.)

Drunken Recollection… Politically Incorrect Answer

Last night at trivia, we blew it.  We blew it big time.  Out of a possible 73 points, we had 65 – and that’s a rarity (high 50’s are usual).  We could have actually scored higher if I would have went with my gut instincts of Applebee’s (“Where did Plaxico Burress say he shot himself?”) and goat (“From what animal does cashmere wool come from?”), as opposed to Denny’s and sheep.

But the last question… it’s all political correctness’ fault.

Prior to President Barack Obama, who was the last African-American to be recognized as Time Magazine’s Man Person of the Year?

Person of the Year? As opposed to alien?

Person of the Year? As opposed to alien?

nelsonmandelaidi_aminWe put: Nelson Mandela

We even thoughtIdi Amin.

We didn’t think of this guy, because we didn’t go back in time that far:

mlktime

But in reality, African-American has become so synonymous with Black in this country, we didn’t even consider the American part.

Oh well.  We didn’t win even though we were in first place before the final question (you wager your points à la Final Jeopardy).  But I did steal a cool NFL glass from the bar.  It had all the team logos covering it.  Suckas!*

*KARMA SIDENOTE: When I was dropped off at home, I realized my wallet was missing.  I figured I had left it at the bar.  Since I planned on taking the glass pretty early in my drinking, I focused mostly on that task, and found it fitting I abandoned my Billabong billfold at the scene of the crime.  Turns out I dropped it in my friend’s car.  But for a second, I learned my lesson.

Drunken Recollection… When Someone Offers You A Free Piano, You Take It!

I was watching the first episode of “How I Met Your Mother” and there’s a scene where Robin (Cobie Smulders) quotes (what they consider) an obscure line from “Ghostbusters.”

The line, courtesy of Winston Zeddemore (Ernie Hudson):

Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say “YES”!

For whatever reason, it caused a flash in my brain pan of a conversation I had with my cousin Steve last night.  He was telling me about a Craigslist entry he read.  In it, someone was giving away an upright piano for free.  The catch: you had to come pick it up.  I asked why he hadn’t contacted the sellergiver-awayer and he said he had no place to put it, being stuck (for the mean time) back at home.  My response:

Steve, when someone offers you a free piano, you take it!

It could have waited in the garage.  It didn’t need to even be playable.  He has an old NBA Jam coin-op arcade system in the living room.  The upright piano could go right next to that.

In other words... jam band.

They go together like pianos and coin-op.

And this is one situation where I practice what I preach.  When I had the chance to get a free microfiche machine, I took it!

microfiche

Just in case a dying man hands me microfilm and tells me, "Don't let them find this," I can see what "this" is.

Drunken Recollection… Tron And Lil’ Wayne = Cheese And Whine

I’m no fashionista.  (I even felt uncomfortable writing that word.)  I don’t dress in the latest fashions (if Target or Kohl’s ever become haute couture, I’ll be set).  I don’t even wear a suit to formal affairs (I have my standard white dress shirt, random tie, black pants, and until someone called me out on wearing a certain vest to their wedding – a certain vest).

So please do not judge me as I judge another.  My sisters always said it’s 10% what you wear and 90% your attitude (I think they borrowed liberally from another saying), but there was this guy at the bar that made some choices, and then some additional choices on top of those, and… well, let me explain.

First off, he was in mid- to late-twenties, and he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt bearing what I call “a Tron pattern.”

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

Which on its own, I guess, would be fine and dandy (I shall never write that phrase again).  But he could have worn something akin to this, instead:

Boba Swett...shirt

Boba Swett...shirt

And he would have pulled off the look a bit better.  But he also could have actually gone to this extreme like this guy:

Does he Master Controller to Tron?

Does he Master Controller to Tron?

Yet I’m not done.  The sweatshirt was a few sizes too small, as it tapered and adhered to his arms.  A bad choice on its own, but forgivable if he opted NOT TO WEAR THE HOOD.  It was snug on his noggin, and seemed to pull up the shirt underneath as well.

So what? you might be thinking.  He can just put down the hood.  My response: then why doesn’t he pull up the back of his pants!  He had them purposely draped below his gray boxer briefed bum, as his leather belt held them firmly there.  My friend, Jess, thought he might not know, but I knew he knew.  It was another in a long line of bad choices.

The coup de grace for me was when my friend Devin was doing karaoke of Lil’ Wayne’s “A Milli” (which is a dumb song, btw, with some of the worst lyrics… check them out after the jump).  This too-small-Tron-hoodie-wearing, non-boxer-pants-sagging doofus jumped up to sing with him, and he couldn’t keep up!  He ruined it for Devin.  Oh well.  Like I said, who am I to judge… in my 90’s X-Men tee and skaterboi jeans with the cuffs rolled up.

(SIDE RANT: What’s the appeal of Lil’ Wayneanyway?  Is he big merely for the fact he may have been the first to integrate electronica with rap?  Why couldn’t he be a nice, clean cut guy like Chris Brown, and get cozy with a sweetheart like Rihanna?)

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Drunken Recollection… I’m Drunker The Smarter I Get

Last night, I had the first confirmation of a theory I’ve long held to be true.  It’s not quite a Theory Sheet level theory (yet), and the jury is still out on whether or not it’s repeatable, but I’ve at least found an available and consistent means to test it.

The Theory: Thinking while drinking makes you smarter.

power-speed-chute

I was going to describe how the parachutes are like beer and the running is like thinking, but the picture makes me laugh for some reason, so I'll write nothing but this.

 The Test: Brain Age 2 for the Nintendo DS

Basically, two nights ago, I dug out my DS because I didn’t feel like turning on my TV and PS3 to play a video game to fall asleep.  Brain Age 2 was in there and since I didn’t feel like changing that out (I was tired… and a little lazy), I gave it a go.  It was a sober night, and I was rated a Brain Age of 54.

Last night, I had a good five drinks in me as I went to bed.  I pulled out the ol’ DS one more time and I was rated a Brain Age of 34.  That’s a substantial gain, especially when considering my average was previously 53. 

I knew it!

The big question that remains: Do I have to stay drunk to stay smarter?

Drunken Recollection… Drinking Math Still Sucks

Math is fun (yeah, right).  And as I’ve mentioned before, drinking math is not.

So today, I’m just going to lay out some basic numbers when it comes to me and my imbibing.

  • Number of miles that I’m able to handle a hangover: 21.44
  • Maximum number of hours I can handle working: 6.5
  • Maximum number of hours I can handle drinking: 8
  • Percentage of beer left in bottle before I order next bottle: 50
  • Number of days per week I’m at the bar: 4
  • Number of days per weekend I’m at the bar: 1
  • Average time I should stay at each bar on St. Patrick’s Day: 2
  • Amount of bars I would like to visit on St. Patrick’s Day: 6
  • Amount of bars I will actually visit on St. Patrick’s Day: 3, tops

Also, here’s a chart I made based on many experiences:

Dmitri Martin eat your Taco Bell heart out!

Demetri Martin eat your Cheesy Double Beef Burrito out!

Drunken Recollection… Bombs, Bugs, And Blisters

There are things you’re taught, and there are things you learn.  There are things you know, and things you choose not to remember.  Sometimes these things come up at the bar.

Here are examples are each:

1) Things you’re taught.  I was unaware of the existence of cornmeal bombs, and then one day I was taught not only their purpose, but how they work.  Thanks CSI!

2) Things you learn. One of my buddies (Derek) works as a scientist (he says he’s not but by all intents and purposes, I say he is – just like how I refer to my engineering friends as inventors).  What his job entails is creating bugs that will get rid of these guys:

emeraldashborer

How much wood can a woodborer bore if a... wait, it can. So all of it.

What I think is cool (which is highly subject, considering I think it’s cool to be considered a scientist), is that I had no idea he did this now.  The last I heard he was categorizing lake muck, no he’s scientist-ing with insects!  Also, I had seen signs all around Michigan for years saying not to transplant wood because of the Emerald Ash Borer pictured above, but I had no idea that it looked… like… that.  Not to sound stereotypical, but it comes from Asia, and it looks like something that would come from Asia (is that stereotypical sounding?), in that I mean it looks foreign, and regal, and traditional (nice recovery).  Anywood, since it’s winter, Derek cuts down trees to put them in heat chambers that fool the little dormant buggers into thinking it’s spring, then he unleashes his (team’s) creations on them!  Awesome!

3) Things you know.  I haven’t played basketball in over a year, and I know I don’t have the right shoes for it, so I know that I’m going to get a blister or two from speeding running jogging up and down the court.

4) Things you choose not to remember.  I haven’t played basketball in over a year, and the chance came up to play last night.  I had a soccer game that started late, so I knew I could squeeze in a couple hours of hoops.  Then I’d have no problem playing soccer right after…

[INSERT GENERIC IMAGE OF BLISTER ON FOOT, PROVIDED BY YOUR IMAGINATION BECAUSE I’M SUCH A NICE GUY THAT’S NOT GOING TO PUT UP ANY PICTURES LIKE THIS]

Drunken Recollection… Late Night Repo’s Are Buzzkills

The weekend was a jam-packed one, and it didn’t leave me much time for any kind of self-reflection and intellectual introspection that I usually reserve for this blog.  (Yeah, right.)  Let me rewind the events of the weekend to get to Friday, a random night where not much happened other than random things…

vvrp verp Car dealership, free car battery under warranty during oil change vrip vrap Work day spent finishing weekend work vrrp vvip Trivia comeback to no win during NHL All-Star game where there were no Red Wings plus Pistons barely lose to Rockets vvvp Ate out at Chili’s vvvp Visited Grams vvvp Met up old friends Saturday night vvvp After working vvvp After nursing hangover… click clackCLUNK

Okay, rewinding was about as exciting as the Twitter experiment (again, yeah right)… Basically, on Friday, my brother was working in a speakeasy, so to speak.  It was an interactive play that took place during the 20’s, that acted as a fundraiser for a local theatre troop.  I passed the goons guarding the door using the password that not many guessed.

Re-enactment:

Goon: “What’s the password?”

Me: “What.”

Goon: “You may enter.”

My other family members worked the open bar so in my double-fisting of rum and cokes, the ratio of everything went like this:

PLASTIC < COKE < ICE < HANDS < RUM

In turn, this lead to me achieving a sufficient level of what I call “Wedding Drunk” (it’s a different form of “Superhero Drunk” and fodder for a future post).  As the festivities wound down, the group I was with headed to a local hole-in-the-wall bar, where I proceded to karaoke a Weezer song after my cousin Steve ignited the party with his rendition of “Sweet Caroline” (also fodder for another post).

My brother was absent from this collection of the acting troupe, and our rides were kicked out for being trashed (well, at least Richie was the one deemed smashed out of the Venessa and Jess Trifecta).  Steve and I were left behind with the Actors! and someone else offered to drive us to an afterparty once the bar started closing.

(SIDE STORY: Steve had spotted one woman earlier in the night that made him proclaim – “She will be flashing her breasts at some point tonight.”  He was right.  The things you learn while away at college.)

To be honest, I have never seen such a magnificent driver as Kate, a.k.a. She who drove Steve and I elsewhere.  While searching for Toto’s Africa and Asia’s Heat of the Moment on her Zune, her path never waivered – not one bit.  We were going to drive to her house to pick up her dog, but we kept driving around through a subdivision and eventually ended up at the final destination.  We wondered why we didn’t stop and get the dog.  Kate’s answer:

My boyfriend was there.

Around 3am, the repo man showed up and took our gracious host’s truck.  Major buzzkill.  We called for a taxi.  (They hung up on us repeatedly while we were trying to figure out where we were.)  We parted ways with the Actors! around 4am.  I b.s.’d with the bald driver of the Chrysler 300 about life, politics, the universe, and religion, and ate macaroni and cheese once back at the Trifecta’s homebase.

In closing… Viva la Wedding Drunk!  Boo-Hiss Repo Men!