Let me preface this by saying… I like both of these videos (for very different reasons*), but they contain infectious melodies that are currently stuck in my head. It’s not that difficult for that to happen, unfortunately, but still – by the power of Chris Cornell I compel you! Leave my noggin!
*I enjoy watching food explode to rock tunes. I only recently discovered this, but I hope it doesn’t make me a foodie. I also simultaneously enjoy watching adults beat toddlers… wait, that doesn’t sound right.
Teddy bearshave been around since the conception ofPresident Theodore Roosevelt decided not to shoot a bear tied to tree in 1902, deeming it unsportsmanlike.
What one really has to do with the other, I don’t know, but keeping that in mind, it sort of paves the way for these future misappropriations of cute widdle fuzzy teddy bears by popular culture, whether it’s…
The Jetsons Movie creating a Teddy-2 in an attempt to mine cash from later-generation youngsters (did I mention Teddy-2’s father works in a mine?)
George Lucasforce-ing “primitives” to battle inept clones (must watch this vid)
The weight scale in the bathroom of my mother’s house is, I’ve decided, completely evil.
I’m not one to really watch my #’s, but I have a mild curiosity about it whenever I stop by.
The thing is, her scale lies. It flat-out lies. It might be trying to make you feel better, but at first step, it electronically informs you that you weigh X pounds. Then when you step on it the second time, immediately following that initial reading, the red LED’s read X+4. So in reality, you weigh Y, so X equals Y-4. (I need a shirt that says “I Love Algebra” to go along with my “I Love Puns” shirt that I want.)
That being said, in honor of Halloween, let this war of Evil Weight Scales commence!
AWFUL BATTLE… GO!
Reveals Your Pounds & Future Poundings
Watch As Your Weight Drops
Found In The Not Fair Department – A Glass Scale
Also In The Not Fair Dept – A Scale That Spins To Your Weight, As Long As You Weigh Less Than 120 lbs
It Ranks You On Everything… Kinda Like The Wii Fit
Courtesy of the Onion News Network comes this gem. What I like best is the part where they’re mean to the kids…
In My Brain While Sleeping… A Costume I Never Would Have Thought Of While Awake
Blah blah blah subconscious something something weird dream… I met a man wearing this costume and when I inquired about it, he pulled granite from his pocket, placed it on the last stair and said:
"I'm Rock Bottom."
Drunken Recollection… Two Gorillas Are Better Than One
My cousin Steve and I have matching costumes. We debuted them last week at my brother’s party. It was a blast. The next day, I had another party to attend, but I opted to go as Hipster Jesus. Another gorilla was there, and my heart broke a little…
Musical Musings… How Do You Kill The Gill Man?
Is this a good song? No. But does the Monster Mash really deserve being the only Halloween song? (Not counting Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, of course.)
Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Did PB Max Get “Discontinued” For Peanut Butter Twix?
PB Max... PB Twix... hmm...
I loved PB Max almost instantly when it was released in 1990. It was the companion candy to the caramel Twix bars I’d eat everyday. (There was a 5¢ mail-in rebate deal on each wrapper, so I binged one summer, sent them all in, and received a $5 check 6-8 weeks later. You can do the math.)
Anysweettooth, seemingly as quickly as the candy burst on the scene, by th mid-90’s, it was gone. A couple more years passed and all-of-the-sudden there was a Peanut Butter Twix bar (and the original became Caramel Twix with a capital-C, as you candyC see).
Whatever happened to all the razor blades in apples and the kidnappings? The night’s supposed to be scary for kids. It’s like a PG-13 horror film these days.
Worth 1002 Words… My Old Halloween Costume Edition
Boxing Match
(lyrics to Halloween Survival Guide, you know, in case your ears aren’t working)
Cartoons, just like toys, aren’t only for kids anymore. We might be able to think the Japanese for that, but it might also be this current generation of man-children at fault.
The following videos are proof of that (only one Japanese one in the bunch… try and guess which one). Why else would there be:
a woman licking a horse and being offended by its erection
Jesus turning water into whiskey at a rave and space monkey angels
a gaggle of panties flying in the V-formation (not sure if it’s meant to be ironic)
selfish children getting devoured by cockroaches
Despite all being well-done, they burnt my brain. Which is the worst?
Don’t let the pectacular stud on the poster fool you, this ending is full of non-sequiturs. Apparently, this film featured like 100 characters and required as many asides, glances, and incidents of closure. Don’t believe me about the amount of reaction shots? Look out for:
the creepy coach with dentures
moustached gymnasts
a mentally-challenged (?) wolfman-ish brother (?)
an 80’s rocker girl
Ocean Spray logos
smoking hands
the bad kid from Karate Kid
a Santa Claus biker with his child sidekick
lots of thumbs-ups
the return of an absentee (possibly recovering alcoholic) father
Made for CBS in 2005, at first viewing, you would think this film was intending to be a tongue-in-cheek comedy. According to iMDB IMDb, these are the categories it falls under:
Action | Sci-Fi | Horror | Drama | Thriller
With scenes like this it’s hard to believe, but with an ending like the one below, I’m thinking IMDb is full of kidders.
What can I add to the splendor of the horror that is this inept piece of cinema. Oh yeah. R.O.T.O.R. stands for: Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research. The flick’s poster is more robotic than the robot in the film, and it’s made of paper.
This one already made it’s way around the TripleDoubleU, but it has to be included in this Awful Battle. Creepy must hang in the air around any of the Jackson family… in this case, it’s Michael’s brother, Marlon.
Today’s competitors aren’t exactly on level ground. One’s a movie trailer (wait for the fart), one’s a movie scene (watch the whole thing), and one’s a re-edited masterpiece that borders on annoying until the money shot payoff (skip to the end if you can’t wait). The latter is by my heroes over at Everything is Terrible; the formers are all real.
If I told you most people are gullible, would you believe me? Also, did you know that “gullible” is the only English word not in the Webster dictionary? And did you realize that the man in the above picture can actually turn invisible?
Anywhogoesthere, here are three pranks centered around invisibility, and I’m not sure which of the victims would most likely answer yes to any of the above questions.
Powers: Mechanical engineer and chemist that attended Cornell
Crimes Against Humanity: Discovered dichlorodifluoromethane (the CFC dubbed Freon) and added tetraethyllead to gasoline (and called it “Ethyl” even though it was essentially “lead”)… We all know what CFC’s did to the ozone and what lead does to people. According to a unnamed source on Listverse (apparently Wikipedia):
He is considered to be the man that – “had more impact on the atmosphere than any other single organism in Earth’s history.”
Current Whereabouts: The ground. He died in 1944 after getting tangled in the cords of a contraption… that he designed.
Powers: Radioactive (after being given radioactive iodine, natch)
Crimes Against Humanity: Well… the dude’s a pedophile. He’s been charged with five accounts of downloading indecent pics of kids since 2006, and 87 prior to that, but the extra crap part is this:
In 1993 he left the banking world to set up The Tutors Group at Blythe Hall School. It employs more than 600 staff and works with more than 3,000 children, teaching infants to A-level students study skills, essay planning and examination technique. (via DailyMail UK)
Current Whereabouts: Unknown. He escaped trial and was almost captured on his way to Ireland from England, but he flashed his radioactive card and they released him. Let’s see… this happened a long time ago, way, way back in… February. Of this year. Yikes!
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