Awful/Awesome Battle

Awful Battle… Not All Candy Is Dandy

Posted on by sgottahurt

Halloween is spookily and creepily and horrifically upon us.  Boo!

Well, at least it has been ever since they pulled all the Back-to-School displays at your local Target a month ago and threw up the orange and black.  So while speaking of “throwing up,” I figured an Awful Battle featuring terrible candy would be frighteningly appropriate!

  • Candy Buttons

Who likes their sugar droppings with a bit of paper?  Perhaps the same people who thought biodegradable gum wrappers were meant for eating.

"Candy Buttons" sounds like a cute porn star name.

  • Orange and Black Taffy(?)

I don’t know what this candy really is, but it was cheap to give out  so I used to get plenty when out trick-or-treating.  I’d much prefer Smarties, thank you.

What were these called? Cheapies? Dummies?

  • Bit-O-Honey

Honey is not candy.  Not now.  Not ever.  Well maybe in the 20’s…

My grandma always had Bit-O-Honey, and I always ate them. Butterscotch, too.

  • Circus Peanuts

Orange marshmallows pressed into peanuts may sound like a win at the circus, but in the real world, normal men do put on face paint and cram into Mini Coopers (that often).  Draw your own conclusions.

I once dared my brother to pack a ton of these into his mouth when he was a kid. Wasn't one of my tougher dares, but the results were funny.

  • Wax Lips

I don’t know how many times I tried chewing on these like they were gum, but they were not gum.  Wax is not gum no matter what anyone tells you!

Not gum!

  • Boston Baked Beans

I don’t think I could even eat these if I was the middle word.

Beans, beans, they're good for nothing.

  • Almond Joy / Mounds

Not a fan of coconut.  That will probably never change, even if I ended up on Survivor.  But if my alternative was rat meat…

Sometimes you feel like a nut, because frankly, you're nuts.

  • Tootsie Fruit Rolls

A perfect example of “if it’s not broke, don’t give it a fruit flavor when chocolate is perfectly fine.”

I have heard the vanilla flavor is pretty good, though.

  • Apple-Flavored Jolly Ranchers

I like Jolly Ranchers otherwise.  This adverse reaction to one particular flavor probably deals with the fact we had an apple tree when I was a child, and I hated picking up the fallen, rotten, worm-invested symbols of the Fall of Man.  Mjusayin’.

I don't like apple juice, candy apples, applesauce, apple fritters, apple cider, nor Apl.De.Ap.

  • Runts Bananas

Why are there so many bananas in a bag or box of Runts?!  And why are they so hard?!

Case closed.

Awful Battle… Terrible Vampire Names

Posted on by sgottahurt

With everybody bitching about the state of the vampire mythos these days, I’m here to remind you it could be much worse.

“Writer” Stephanie Meyer has taken a lot of slack for Twilight and her inability to create compelling character… names.

Edward Cullen, Alice Cullen, Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen… Renesmee Cullen.  (Source: Wikipedia, of course.)

Here are some worse names than those (if they are not, I tried my best):

Cousin Larry Cullen

Blaine Tristan Cullen

D.B. Cullen

Stifler Cullen

Colin Cullen

Justin Bieber

Awful/Awesome Battle… I Dare You To Watch One And I Hope You Enjoy The Other

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you can make it all the way through 35+ minutes of this, you will no doubt be rewarded with some humor, but you may also be rewarded much fatigue.

If you watch it in its entirety, please comment below, and point out which of the 100 ways to love a cat are the funniest.

I’ll admit it – I’ve only jumped around.  35 minutes is about 34 minutes too long for a YouTube video to me.  But of what I have seen, I chortled…

On the other hand, this show debuts as a midseason replacement on NBC, and it reeks of potential, if that’s a polite thing to say.  I know it’s four minutes longer than my usual liking, but after trying the above video out, it didn’t seem so bad.

Plus, Olivia Munn is purdy.

The only question that remains – if Perfect Couples premieres on Thursdays, does that mean my Parks and Recreation won’t be coming back?

Awful/Awesome Battle… USB Thingees

Posted on by sgottahurt

Guess which of these I would want, and which of these I would… not… ever… want…

(source)

(source)

(source)

Awesome Battle… How Did These Slip Under My Radar?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m an adult.  I know this.  I try to remind myself of this fact every day.  I own a house.  I drink beer legally.  I have to use my arms and my legs to stand up from sitting.

So it’s fitting that at least one of the items in this Awesome Battle contains the word adult…

There is an incredible show on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim that no one but my friend, Chris, and I watch.

It’s entitled Delocated, and here’s a sample:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Sure, I should have set up the video, but I like to throw people in the deep end, let them get their feet wet and water in their lungs, you know.  Essentially, it’s a fake reality (?) show about a family in the witness protection program, and it’s so absurd I absolutely love it.  Season 2 premieres August 22, and I can’t believe I missed it during its initial run.

This second item… I’m not too proud about my excitement.

Apparently, some time between me leaving grade school and starting high school, these toys were out in stores:

Computer Warriors?!?  Fucking robots hiding inside soccer balls, flashlights, and Pepsi cans?!?  Mattel must have been trying to capitalize on the success of M.A.S.K. (my all-time favorite toy line) and Transformers, but just a tad too late or too early.  If these would have lasted on the market, or arrived on the scene two years later when I had my first job at a toy store, I would have had them all.

But I’m an adult.  I shouldn’t try winning some of them on eBay…

…but I will.

Awful Battle… Which One Of These Videos Makes More Sense?

Posted on by sgottahurt

You know what?  I’m going to let these videos speak for themselves.  You’ll never guess which one is easier to understand.

Awesome Battle… Which Dog Would You Want More?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Would you prefer…

A dog that wouldn’t leave you hanging?

A dog that could fetch you a cold one?

Or this wonder of mankind?

Awesome Battle… Cool Tech Of Varying Degrees

Posted on by sgottahurt

Should I go big news first?  Nah.

Guess what finally got approved by the FAA?  (You know, the Federal Aviation Administration – which is not to be confused with the DOE, RAE, MI, SO, LAA, or TI.)  Anywhoosh, if your curiosity is piqued, take a peek at the peak of human innovation:

Hrm... I always thought it would use magnets, not wings.

It’s a flying car (source)!  Or a small plane that’s car-ish.  But whatever… we’re that much closer to text messaging accidents causing roof damage!

So what could be better than a flying car, you might ask?  Auto-origami!

(via The Daily What)

Awesome Battle… Brain Characters

Posted on by sgottahurt

10) Anne Uumellmahaye from The Man with Two Brains

Steve Martin falls in love with a brain he communicates with telepathically, and throughout the end of the movie he tries to find a host body for Anne.  Sound familiar to the plot of All of Me?  The ending is close enough to keep this brain at the bottom of the list.

9) The Martians in Mars Attacks!

The way I remember it, this movie was kind of disappointing.  But it’s probably been a long enough time to give it another shot, especially since its gained steam as a cult classic.  There.  Added to my Netflix queue.  I should be getting this DVD sometime around April 2011.

8) Brainiac from Superman comics

Brainiac could have been higher if he was still in robot form, like he was in the 80’s.  Actually, I always thought he was mostly mechanical and brain-powered.  In researching this list, I discovered he’s usually like a green-skinned Lex Luthor mixed with Lobot from The Empire Strike s Back.  Fuck that.  Hence #8.

7) Brainspawn from Futurama

Futurama is a show about a guy from our time that wakes up 1000 years in the future.  Though he’s no Rip Van Winkle – and the future is no Idiocracy – Philip J. Fry is presented his true purpose, courtesy of the Brainspawn.  Due to the fact they could not dumb him down (any more than he is normally), he saved the day.  Even though they were ultimately defeated, perchance Nibbler’s elaborate plan did not work, the Brainspawn would have cleaned up house without question.

6) The Great Brain from Ugly Americans

He’s high up on this list because I really like the show, Ugly Americans.  He’s sassy like Charles Nelson Reilly, his job is to act as a sponge, and he’s a brain stem.  What’s not to love?

5) The Brain from Pinky and — I can’t quite remember…

Every night, he tried the same thing – to take over the world.  That’s not much different from a hamster running in its wheel, when you think about it.  Despite being named after a brain and not consisting primarily of one, Pinky and the Brain started as a short on Animaniacs, and then they got their own show.  That’s how he took over this spot on this list.

4) Brain from Inspector Gadget

Another “brain in name only,” this dog was no ordinary dog.  He could walk upright.  And talk (and pantomime).  And use a computer.  And wear disguises.  And solve crimes.  Let’s see your dog accomplish any two of these.  Oh, look at how your dog walks upright in a clown costume… Okay.  Make that any three of these.

3) Mother Brain from Metroid

She might be solely riding on the coattails of the famous female protagonist, Samus Aran.  All right, I’ll admit it.  Mother Brain is completely riding on Samus’ coattails.

2) Wayne “The Main Brain” McClain from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

My curiosity in live bar trivia was piqued primarily because of the episode he appeared in.  Many years later, I still participate in the brainy drinking game.  Watch ATHF, I do not.

1) Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Who else was going to be number one, really?  Shredder was supposed to be a bad-ass, and even he kowtowed to this piece of bubble gum wrapped in a weird robot suit.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

The Fiend from Fiend Without a Face

I only heard about this movie via researching the Brainspawn from Futurama.  This movie was the inspiration for their creation, and it looks like it probably inspired a few more up above.  Furthermore, this title has gotten Billy Idol’s Eyes Without a Face stuck in my head, so no spot on the list for you…  Thanks.

Abby Normal from Young Frankenstein

It was not as much of a character as it was a bad pun.

Awful Battle… Food Movie Titles

Posted on by sgottahurt

Is it fair to call this an Awful Battle?  It’s more fair than calling it an Awesome Battle, because let’s be honest… there are a lot more awful films named after food than awesome ones.

So whether the movie is named after one general food (Meatballs, Bananas, Three Musketeers – a stretch, I know), a specific food (Home Fries, Good Burger, Mixed Nuts), the fact it’s a film and not food being explained in the title (Hamburger: The Motion Picture, Hot Dog… The Movie), certain people around food (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Children of the Corn), or places named after or serving food (Hamburger Hill, Mystic Pizza), they are on this list.

Did I miss any?  Feel free to comment below.