InASense, Lost… So That’s Where Santa Claus Comes From

As a kind and generous soul, I implore you – gather up your children, and together watch this origin story of Santa Claus.  Revel in the triumphs and joys of his journey from his humble beginnings in the Korvatunturi Mountains, to the plush decorative throne at your local mall and local malls around the world…

But be careful.  If you do not respect Father Christmas, this will be the outcome (if you’re lucky):

If any of the above has offended or scarred you, you’re welcome.  If you want to take matters up with the company, please feel free to contact Rare Exports, Inc by clicking on this link.

Merry Christmas, bitches!

Awesome Battle… Parkour Dog Vs. Parkour Bikers

I might be able to keep up with the pooch…

The bikers?  Definitely.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Was It CostCo Or Sam’s Club? No, It Was Even Better

Where do dreams come from?  Are they subconscious remnants of the days events?  Are they connections to alternate realities?  Are are they just dreams of things you wish that could be?  Oh how I wish this place existed.

Rides, a food warehouse, Rue McClanahan, and a bear ice sculpture... that about sums it up!

It was the largest indoor extravaganza I’ve ever seen dreamed.  The group that I visited the establishment with immediately split into pairs or off on their own as soon as the doors opened.  As I traversed the expansive main aisle, shelves that would have towered over buildings.  Imagine being inside of a Christmas tree.  Imagine Las Vegas in a warehouse.  That was this place.  Anything and everything you could want to buy was within (or just out of) your reach.

As I ambled about, I stumbled into a live trivia game show in the style of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire hosted by none other than the last living Golden Girl, Blanche Devereaux herself, Rue McClanahan.  I participated for a while, until the sound of striking pins was audible in the distance.

In search of the growing cacophony of mechanical wonders and games, I passed a giant ice sculpture of a polar bear.  There was a nameplate, but I didn’t bother reading it at that point.

I headed toward the festival atmosphere, where a rollercoaster, a disco dance floor, a pool hall, a bowling alley, a roller rink, and an arcade all intertwined without any walls or ceilings but those of the warehouse.  I got lost in the glory for so long, that as the day broke through the high windows, I made my way back to the ice sculpture.  The night hold taken its toll, and most of what remained was an icy lump and a fountain puddle.

It was then I finally read the plaque:

INGREDIENTS: Cottage cheese and Mountain Dew… gross.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Perverted Puppets Are Fun, Especially Out Of Context

Remember in high school at the strip club, when the nuns would talk about how God makes it rain you made it rain on that stripper, and you’d get “excited” for no a very good reason?  Well this video is kinda nothing like that.

(via Found Footage Festival)

Christmas Gift Ideas For Your Loser Family

To begin… these aren’t special deals.  These are suggestions I’ve hand-picked for you.  I’ve categorized them into groups for those hard-to-buy-for loved ones.  A lot of them happen to be USB products.  Go figure.  (Click each image for more information.)

FOR GRANDMA:

Grandma collects good luck trolls and loves cats, so why not get her one of these!  (Possible setback: Grandma doesn’t have a computer… hey, there’s another gift idea on the house!)

Yoda blushes when his lightsaber glows! Wait, that sounds NSFW...

Transforms your jump drive into a cat!

FOR GOTH SISTER:

She hates almost everything… except cigarettes and ironic murder!

When Texting & Driving meets Smoking & Typing...

Even unicorns hate mimes...

FOR ANNOYING KID BROTHER:

Known for liking gross things and dumb things, you can’t go wrong with these!

Saves the mess of squeezing a real frog.

This ain't your daddy's Pet Rock! It has a USB cord!

FOR PERVERTED UNCLE:

I’d suggest having these delivered to his house.

She gyrates whether or not there's any porn surfing.

I'm not here to judge. Only to provide ideas.

FOR DOUCHEBAG BROTHER AND MASSEN-GIRL SISTER:

Oh brother… oh sister…

Leave your guitar at home and play Maroon 5 songs on this shirt!

Perfect for when girls go wild!

FOR DAD:

Dad thinks he’s funny.  I mean, he maybe once was, but times change.  Time to change his towel:

FOR MOM:

Mom would like to be funny as well.  This might provide her the chance to freak everyone out.  Maybe.

FOR GRANDPA:

He’s classy.  He maybe fought in a war or two.  He married your grandma and stuck around as the above brood grew.  Get him this:

It's understated, and upside-down.

I Am Thankful For… CatsForGold.com

It’s that time of year again.  Parades.  Turkey.  Gravy.  Mashed potatoes.  Drinking.  Fighting.  Sleeping.  Buying.  And above all else… thanking (as Joey on Friends would say, “Supposably“).

So here I am ready to kick off a weeks worth of giving just that.  Today, I’d like to say thanks for the existence of CatsForGold.com.

Sounds like a deal to me! If only all pets could be mailed...

I love getting things in the mail and for once the mail will love me back!  All I need to do is find some gold lying around… here’s my class ring my mother told me I wouldn’t want later in life (moms know everything!), and here’s a pocket watch that’s on a gold-plated chain… I think there’s some gold in this pen…

Plop into the CatsForGold envelope, and plop into the big blue box!  I wonder what Cat-tankerous (his name) will look like.  The bottom bar has already been set…

He looks cantankerous...