I can’t take it anymore. I’m beyond words. I may really have to begin holding this against people.
If you like the Twilight films, I think there is something wrong with you.
Of course, the latest film The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is in theaters now, so the actors are making their rounds on the late night circuit.
These are two of the clips they show to sell it:
Dumb doesn’t even begin to explain the people who paid to see this – the fifth film – at the show.
As an exclamation point, here’s Robert Pattinson swinging Kristen Stewart like a purse at the bad guys:
This past weekend marked the adorable debut of Taylor Swift as a certifiable triple-threat (singer, songwriter, and Actor!) on Saturday Night Live. (It’s the singer/songwriter part that makes this a valid Musical Musing. Click here to hear the funny – and honest – song she wrote for her monologue.)
Overall, I think she did great. And I’ll admit – I may be biased. (Proof. More proof.) But given the material they wrote for her, you can’t deny that she has talent.
By far, this Digital Short took the strawberry cake. (And it’s all over the web already… late start on my part.) Check how her impression of Kristen Stewart stacks up by watching both videos below. If you want to see the entire SNL episode, you’re a dummy for missing it liveyou must have a life on Saturday nights head on over to Hulu.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
NOTE: Everything that follows is my opinion… and it’s all fact.
Fantasy movies are geared toward the audience that longs to be whisked away, and that’s namely the pre-teens of this world. The reason why they are so susceptible: there’s still imagination (child-like wonder) remaining in their brains. Any adult that is too into fantasy films obviously has a mental/social disorder (hello PotHeads and Twihards)…
I’m not meaning to be mean. I’m merely meaning to get to the bottom of why fantasy films don’t do it for me anymore.
Growing up, I loved Clash of the Titans, TheBeastmaster, The Dark Crystal, Gremlins, Tron, The Princess Bride, and some movies had to deal with a Star War or a few. There were others that I couldn’t quite get into like Legend and Labyrinth, but I always felt they were more for the young ladies (for the record, The Princess Bride was being read to Kevin Arnold Fred Savage).
Outside of The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (it’s insanely absurd and clever), when I was turning thirteen, Willow wasn’t even cutting it anymore. If I was going to like a dopey fantasy movie, it had something else going for it, such as my crush on Winona Ryder in Edward Scissorhands or me still being a fan of Steven Spielberg when he made Hook.
Let’s use The Neverending Story trilogy (yes there were three – and a TV show) to reiterate:
The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
The first film released in 1984: AWE-SOME (hyphen added for pause worthy emphasis).
The second film released in 1990: (Avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis, avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis, avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis…)
The third film released in 1994: Really?! Highlights from an IMDB review:
I cannot begin to describe how awful this movie is… NES3, for lack of a better term, sucks. The storyline was as unimaginative and vapid as you could hope for… After the fart jokes and potty humor commenced, I just couldn’t take it any longer. My advice is don’t wast your time and ruin your childhood memories with this piece of refuse.
Now I don’t count superhero movies or animated films because they’ve almost attained the status of having their own genre. Outside of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, what do you have left to defend? The Mummy films? Van Helsing? (Not fair – those are mostly Stephen Sommers‘ pieces of crap.) Okay, then. MirrorMask? Eragon? Beowulf? Lady in the Water?! Stardust and Coraline were even kind of meh.
(SIDENOTE: I will give props to The Last Mimzy, The Bridge to Terebithia, and Big Fish for tugging my heart strings, 300 for being new, and the first Pirates of the Caribbean for the laughs. Am I missing any others?)
Ultimately, have fantasy films declined from being the shit to just shitty, or am I just getting old? I guess the proof will be in the pudding (sorry for the oldtimer-y expression) when the following films get remade or updated:
(FINAL SIDENOTE: I really, really, really, seriously hope that M. Night Shyamalan doesn’t fuck up The Last Airbender. I looooove that cartoon. That ended it’s run. On Nickelodeon. Just last year. Stop looking at me that way! I don’t have that serious of a mental/social disorder! Use this blog as proof!)
Okay, so where was I? Ah yes. On Wall Street, which was under construction. We were looking for the giant bull statue for the hell of it, even though we (Steve and I) were unsure if there was a giant bull statue in New York. (There is… but we couldn’t find it.)
Around this time, I finally got to hear the voice of a fellow blogger (we’d eventually meet up later during my trek through East Village). Our phones were running lower on energy than we were, so we decided in order to make it through whatever the night held in store for us, functioning electronics seemed important, and we returned to home base.
At the hotel, we plugged in our cells and due to the lack of sleep (this will be explained in the prequels), the Snuggies (this will be explained in the sequel) and bed were mighty tempting. Yes, I typed “bed” with no “s.” They only had a queen available (which I should probably specify is a bed size, seeing as how people might have preconceived notions about NYC). Apparently, a four-star hotel according to Hotwire consists of this criteria: if they don’t have a pair of twins available (again – bed size), they’ll give you each a cookie. A cookie that was prepared earlier in the day. Possibly for the continental breakfast’s dessert?
But I digress, and as such, our digestive systems had processed those cookies long ago, so dinner sounded like a plan. We asked the concierge to recommend a pizzeria (one that served booze was our only criteria). He recommended one nearby – Angelo’s, on 55th and 2nd. (Don’t I sound all local-y? My confidence in understanding the map of the city ultimately proved to be a bit too confident. Sequel…)
We ordered the flat-bread pizza and $6 beers. Steve quickly learned that when the choices for $6 beers are Bud, Bud Light, and Bass Ale, you choose Bass Ale. As we ate, we eyed the happy hour going on across the street ($3 beers!), and as soon as we finished, we headed over there for a few more (choices: Miller Lite, MGD, Sam Adams? Sam Adams, of course!) and then back to the hotel to retrieve our banes of existence means of communication.
We headed toward Central Park to await our first fellow bar hopper – another Steve. As we wandered the streets, we passed the bridge that Spider-Man battled on with the cable cars (I’m soooo cultured), and I missed the entirety of the quiet beauty that was the sunset that night.
As we began slinking in and out of a plethora of East Village bars, our group’s number grew to four with Tim, and five with Evan. Eventually my fellow blogger met up with us after a lot of phone- and text-tagging, which was cool. The hookah joint we were waiting to get into was taking too long, so we headed to another bar that carded people for some reason (nowhere else did). In the sorta dark, sorta empty, martini-ish bar (what would be the opposite of a hole-in-the-wall?) we ended up at, I brought up Lost, I investigated something weird on the table with my fingertip (thankfully it was Guinness foam), and I think I even mentioned Twilight (the movie – not the book, as if that makes a difference). Oh yeah… wonderful, wonderful Guinness was ordered around. One guy selected a bottle of wine “with one glass.” And mussels somehow ended up on the table.
Members of our group started parsing off at that point. I recall a sliver of a diner that was stopped at by the solo wine drinker and that it amazingly carried no smell whatsoever, good or bad. And somehow Steve and I made it back to home base. (Taxi? Subway? Feet?)