topless robot

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Teen Wolf Writers Are No Heroes

Posted on by sgottahurt

teen_wolf_double_creature

Who let the wolves out? Wolf, wolf, wolf...

Though 80’s classics, I never could get into the Teen Wolf movies (soon to be an MTV show).  There was something unfulfilling about them, though they were ripe with fodder (<—a phrase not used often enough).

I was a big fan of both Michael J. Fox and Jason Bateman at the time of each respective release, so what went wrong?

I may have found the answer via Topless Robot’s Twitter feed.  Commenters on the nerd-centric blog pointed out a peculiar Coinkydink (or Coinkydonk – vote below) to site-founder, Rob Bricken, while he was on a tizzy about NBC’s Heroes driving him to drink. 

The facts are these (I sorely miss Pushing Daisies, which was created by Heroes’ only hero – Bryan Fuller):

jeph-loeb

A face only a motherfucker could punch.

tim-kring

Probably overheard saying, "I have no idea what I'm doing."

While this makes little sense to those non-nerd-centric-minded out there, the reason why Heroes sucked sucks so bad (I try to pretend it isn’t on anymore), is that it was created by Tim Kring, the guy that wrote a sequel to a crap cash grab movie by Jeph Loeb, and Tim Kring brought Jeph Loeb on board to help oversee Heroes (for awhile).

(SIDENOTE: Loeb was fired last year, but it happened at the point Leo DiCaprio let go of the wood board Kate Winslet was floating on, if Heroes was the Titanic… basically, it occurred too late.)

So if you’re wondering… what am I bashing more – Teen Wolf one and Too, or Heroes?  My answer is this: I’m not finished. 

While Tim Kring might have went on to create Crossing Jordan and produce Providence (two moderately successful shows I would never watch),  he did work on Chicago Hope and Misfits of Science (two awesome shows I wish were on DVD).  And the first season of Heroes was great, which gains him some ground, but again, he did hire Loeb, so there that goes…

Now Jeph Loeb on the other hand:

  • Wrote the wretched X-Man for Marvel Comics, which facilitated my disconnect with the X-Men Universe in paper-and-ink form (tubby Brett Ratner did the same in regard to the films)
  • Produced the highly suspect, and in retrospect, pretty crappy, second season of Lost
  • While producing and writing for Smallville, he introduced young Superman to Red Kryptonite, which is usually green; now writing again at Marvel, he introduced Red Hulk to battle green Hulk

In his (slight) defense, Loeb did write Arnie’s Commando, and he has been recognized positively for his comic writing (he’s received four Eisner‘s and five Wizard Fan Awards).  But let me get to the nitty-gritty…

Happy Find… A Long Time Ago, In ASCIImation (Plus Star Wars Saved!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

For those of you uninitiated in the ways of the world wide web, ASCII (pronounced ass-KEE) stands for American Standard Code for Information Interchange. 

BASICally, this encompasses all 95 printable characters on your keyboard.  A term more commonly used in the early days of home computing, many pieces of art have been created using ASCII (and summarily ink ribboned out through dot matrix printers and onto continuous sheets).  

Until now, I have not witnessed a masterpiece like this:

 

Never upset a WOOCII...

Never upset a WOOCII...

Okay, the art is sub par, but the site is insane (click here).  It’s (almost) the entire first film animated in ASCII!  DOS it help erase the memory of the prequels?  Not quite.  But Rob Bricken of the awesomely nerdy Topless Robot has theories about what went wrong (or did everything go as planned?):

I’ll tell you my greatest nerd theory, which I’m still kind of proud of — regarding the midichlorians from Phantom Menace. Like all of you, I was aghast that the Force had suddenly turned into biology and racked my brain trying to explain it. And I did — I became convinced that (George) Lucas had put it in the movie to suck on purpose. I reasoned that Lucas was intentionally making these early Jedi shitty, to which I also ascribed Qui-Gon’s dickish refusal to un-enslave Anakin’s mom — and that Lucas was trying to tell us these Jedi had lost their way with the Force. They had turned it into a science, forbidden Jedi from loving. Had shitty committee meetings instead of doing good. They’d lost their way, and that’s why they could no longer sense the Dark Side when it was right under their fucking noses. So I figured by the third movie, there was going to be a major moment of revelation as the Jedi were getting destroyed, probably by Yoda, about how they’d screwed up, and in that sense, by destroying the corrupted Jedi, Anakin truly was bringing balance back to the Force. And when Luke restarted the Jedi order, he would embrace the spirituality and the compassion that the Prequel Jedi had forgotten, finishing the work.

If you ASCII me, that sounds about right!

JusWondering… Are Orci And Kurtzman Running A Pyramid Scheme?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Devastatoring

Great Pyramid? How about Mediocre instead...

There’s been plenty of chatter on the TripleDoubleU regarding the new Travesty Transformers movie.  I’ve not only made a slight mention here on this site, but I’ve voiced my opinion on Topless Robot’s threads as well.  The big debacle over the films many weaknesses boils down to this question:

Who’s fault is it?

As I’ve detailed above, depending upon the director, crap can transform into dysentary (see: pic above) or crap can screen flair (see: Star Trek).  In Hollywood, screenwriters have little to do with the final film, if anything with the process at all.  Haven’t you ever heard the blonde joke about the wannabe starlet sleeping with the writer?  Steve Martin even made light of this fact in his underrated Bowfinger.

Go-to-writers-du-jour Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman are a lot like this candy-dispensing product:

Have a cow... pie, man!
Have a cow… pie, man!

Together, they’ve written the following films:

  • The Island
  • The Legend of Zorro
  • Mission: Impossible III
  • Transformers
  • Star Trek
  • Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

And like that candy dispenser, each one is a jellybean that in retrospect reminds us of bovine dung.

Here’s the breakdown of each attempt at writing:

The Island was a rip-off of three 70’s sci-fi films (Logan’s Run, Parts: The Clonus Horror, and THX-1138), and it was directed by Michael Bay.  It was partly filmed in Detroit, and you can see a painted portrait of Steve Yzerman in the background at one point (plus Scarlett Johanssonthroughout), so to not be a complete hater – this flick is tolerable.  But only for those reasons.  Seriously, catch the older (schlocky) trio of sci-fi “classics” then watch The Island.  Bay and the Boys borrowed quickly and liberally.

Does anybody remember the Zorro sequel?  *crickets*crickets*

Mission: Impossible IIIwas competent (I still like the first one best).  Although he was kind of douchey when he directed the episode of Jimmy Kimmel he was on, JJ Abrams handled this film well enough.  I still believe the sequence where Tom Cruise chased the “Rabbit’s Foot” through the streets of Shanghai could have been longer, and Philip Seymour Hoffman could have been given more scenes to chew on (plus more Maggie Q).  Mission: Decently Distracted.

Transformers was the second re-teaming of the screenwriters and Bay.  It’s been said that producer Steven Spielberg placed emphasis on the fact that the film was ultimately about a boy and his alien (car).  And after five hours of CGI robot action, the first hour of the first film is still best.  Although, I do like seeing the Detroit landmarks in the final battle, so this film was also okay in my book, despite the lack of common sense and clearly defined action scenes.  Moral of the story: if Bay films in the Motor City, my criticism dwindles.  Moral of another story: Spielberg’s kind of losing his touch, eh?

Star Trek, also directed by JJ, was solid, but not perfect.  The origin story introduced some neat twists and surprises, but Kirk with puffy hands?!  Scotty going through water pipes?!  A tad amateurish (and the fault of the writers, I’d suspect).

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the Third Turd of Bay and the Boys, was rushed to production.  They didn’t get anytime for a rewrite, and it sadly shows.  Sure, Bay might have made a lot of poor decisions (robot crying, robot humping, robot minstrels, robot balls), but the script’s plot made little sense.  (Why would the Prime’s have to sacrifice to hide the Matrix of Leadership instead of killing the Fallen?  Why would they hide it on Earth?  See the Topless Robot link above.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: if JJ Abrams made Transformers, imagine how “cool” it would be.  Then imagine if Michael Bay made Star Trek…  (It’s like that ending speech in A Time to Kill…)

Perhaps Orci and Kurtzman aren’t the worst screenwriters on the planet, but they need to branch out a bit more to tell for sure. 

(FINAL NOTE: JJ worked on the script for Bay’s Armageddon.  It was a fun ride that went on too long and pulled way too hard at the heart strings.  Srsly, how many things could possibly go wrong in trying to get off a space rock?  Apparently, everything.  More importantly: how was Armageddon a film in the Criterion Collection?!)

Happy Find… Turbo Heather X-Treme! (R/C Southern Belles)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Well I never!

That’s something Heather might have said if she was a talking doll.  Instead, she’s a radio-controlled Southern Belle that’s also available as a six mode blushing bride drifter.

The girls hug her!  The boys race her!

And she has a tornado of power under her dress, for Pabst’s sake!

(via Topless Robot)

Worth 1002 Words… Pac-Man’s Origin Story

Posted on by sgottahurt

Makes sense.

Makes sense.

 (via Topless Robot on Twitter)

Lost Footage From Magnum P.I?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Apparently the biggest mystery about Season 4 of “Lost” is how I missed this.  Thanks to Topless Robot’s Twitter (that sounds way worse than what it is), I am no longer in the dark.  Is Higgins behind Dharma?  You be the judge.

InASense, Lost… Luke Elsewhere For Hero

Posted on by sgottahurt

The always awesome nerdfest that is Topless Robot  has produced the top 5 reasons why Luke Skywalker is an idiot.  One major highlight from the list – Luke explaining his Rube Goldberg-esque plan on how to free Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt:

Luke: “Okay so, first we get Lando Calrissian posing as a guard inside Jabba’s Palace.”

You: “How do we do that?”

Luke: “We just get him a costume and he—just walks in.”

You: “Um, okay, say it’s that easy. So then Lando gets Han out of the carbonite and we pick them up and get away?”

Luke: “No. What happens next is that I put my lightsaber in a hidden compartment in R2-D2 and send R2-D2 and C3PO to Jabba the Hutt as gifts.”

You: “Wait, why-“

Luke: “Just listen. Next we have Leia pose as a bounty hunter arriving at Jabba’s palace with Chewbacca captured. She’s going to hand over Chewbacca to Jabba.”

You: “Wait, why? Wouldn’t that mean we would now have to rescue Han Solo, Chewbacca, R2-D2 and C3PO? That just makes it more difficult, right?”

Luke: “Just go with me here. Next, Leia is going to sneak around at night and get Han Solo out of the carbonite, but get captured.”

You: “What? Why would we get everyone captured like that?”

Luke: “Now I’ll show up, use my Force powers to get in to Jabba’s fortress, get past the guards to an audience before Jabba and then use my Jedi mind trick to get Jabba to release everyone. If that doesn’t work, then I’ll get captured.”

You: “Okay, if you can just use your Force powers to get in to the palace and all the way to Jabba, then let’s just have you go in right now and get Han out.”

Luke: “No, that’s stupid. I’m going to get myself captured. Because then you see, we’ll be taken to the sarlacc pit and then, when we’re on the skiff, I’ll get sent out first and then R2-D2 will manage to get to the top of Jabba’s sail barge and shoot out my lightsaber, and then with Lando’s help, we’ll just—rescue everyone and then everything will be fine!”

You: “That is the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard of.”

Luke:“I’ve thought of everything.”

You: “Clearly you didn’t.”

Full list here.

The He-Man That May Never Be, Man

Posted on by sgottahurt

One of my favorite sites, Topless Robot, reported last week that Warner Bros. is balking at the chance to bring a revisionistist fan-centric version of “Masters of the Universe” to the big screen.  Considering what “Transformers” did for Dreamworks/Paramount, you’d think the execs would take a chance at this established childhood relic (maybe they’re still feeling the pain from “Speed Racer”).

Nonetheless, the great sci-fi/fantasy epic that could have been, may never be.  I’d give up “Transformers 2” and “G.I. Joe” for a shot to see a real world representation of this (though I’d never give up a live-action “M.A.S.K”):

For more on the fate of the movie, click here.