the onion

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Bigger… And… Faster… Ah, Forget It

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Draw Your Own Conclusions" Edition

Jimmy Johnson is an NFL coach that demands hard work and speed on the field.  When off the field, he promotes Extenze (I refuse to make the Z a capital letter).

Jimmy John’s is a sandwich shop that demands hard work and speed in the field.  When in the stores, they promote hard work and speed in creating tasty sandwiches.

Here are the Urban Dictionary definitions of jimmy and johnson.

I believe there is a comedy bit in here somewhere, but I don’t feel like shuffling through the gutters of my twelve-year-old mind.

So here’s an excellent bit from the Onion.  It will be doing the heavy lifting.

Oh wait – I’ve got it!

Top Ten Things Overheard By Jimmy Johnson At A Jimmy John’s After Taking ExtenZe (Dammit Z, You Got Me!)

10) Go long!  Old habit…

9) So you’re fast?

8) Extra meat please!

7) No Slim for me!

6) I just took an ExtenZe pill!

5) No, I don’t own this place!

4) That was quick!

3) How much?

2) That much!?

1) This pill ain’t doing dick for me!

Sure! Go Ahead And Raise My Taxes If It Gets Us One Of These!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m a bit rushed today, so I’m going to let the Onion News do my heaving lifting.  Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that this plan was no longer being followed through…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Obama Scraps Dragon Tank Plan“, posted with vodpod

 

Happy Find… College Students Blaze Up Dorm (Onion News)

Posted on by sgottahurt

College students sure do know how to party.  They also know how to document a party…

Via The Onion (and AOTS):

Vodpod videos no longer available.  

 For more college nonsense, click here.

more about “Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Pa…“, posted with vodpod

JusWondering… Some “Detroit Saving” Alternatives To Jay Leno

Posted on by sgottahurt

Jay Leno is coming to Detroit as a part of his comedy stimulus plan, and even though city council person, Martha Reeves(of Martha and the Vandellas), doesn’t like the fact that he’s coming to the Palace of Auburn Hills, I have some alternatives to his idea.

1) This.  Parade.  Rocks.  It’s exactly the kind of pick-me-up the ailing city of Detroit could use.  Do you hear that ninjas?  Come to Detroit!

2) If that doesn’t happen, then we could always use a Carl’s Brother Dave Jr. restaurant.  We just started getting Sonic restaurants here, and it’s been bowlofmilkriffic!

3) I never thought I’d ever be saying this, but bring the comedic stylings of Ricky Gervais and Elmo to Detroit!  They are a genius duo unmatched by any!