rise of cobra

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Toy Commercials

Posted on by sgottahurt

From shitty to shittier indeed...

From shitty to shittier indeed...

Let’s face facts… kids are dumb.  I don’t mean the concept of them (entirely), but they’re suckers.  Hell, we were just as gullible in our youth.

But back in the day, marketing firms fostered (word choice!) our imagination when they sold to us, and look at the consumers we’ve become today.

Here’s a commercial for an 80’s toy probably no one remembers called Army Ants.  The promo was eventually pulled from the airwaves due to the fact the toys moved by themselves (and since kids are dumb they might think they’re alive… oh no!)  Remember, this took place before warnings were placed on coffee to remind people that coffee is fucking hot, so the idea of putting a notice on the bottom of the screen never crossed anyone’s mind.

Now here’s a commercial for the toyline based on the new G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie:

Where’s the fun in that commercial?  I smell no sense of adventure.  I envision no afternoon of making those vehicle crash into each other.  It’s all tell, and no show!  Sure, there’s hints of scenes from the movie, but where’s the poking other bugs in the squishy and squashy guts, whether I have to make them do it or they do it to themselves (since they’re alive, you see).

To be fair, they are completelysort of different toylines, so I’ll draw upon an old G.I. Joe toy commercial for apples to Apple Paltrow Martin‘s sake:

Fucking Refrigerator Perry?!  Seriously, a Chicago Bear is on G.I. Joe, and he kicks major Cobra ass?!  And I can call him and get in on the action with only four certificates (and a 50 cent phone call plus $1 handling charge)?!

See the difference?

SIDENOTE: I recently won a chance for a free haircut at a salon that panders to men and, to be honest, that I don’t quite frankly trust, but I went anyway.  (It was free…)  Upon leaving and realizing it wasn’t a complete hack job, I tipped the stylist $2 and $1 in quarters.  It was all I had.  She made a face, and I left.  Haircuts are normally $16, so I don’t know if she expected $5 or more on a FREE haircut, but it did make me wonder… what can you buy for $3 nowadays?  Cigarettes?  No.  A beer at the bar?  No.  Two 20 oz. bottle of Mtn. Dew?  Sometimes.  Seeing that I could have got Refrigerator Perry for $1.50 really got me thinking…

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Rise Of Cobra (Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter)

Posted on by sgottahurt

In one of my dreams last night, I watched/participated in the new G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie.

It began rather inoccuously, meaning it didn’t seem at all like G.I. Joe.  There was a compound and the team was being built.  It was comprised of a bunch of your movie stereotypes (which I won’t go into because it doesn’t bode well for my subconscious).  I remember a moment where a group of us were in a steel-decor room and cardboard boxes full of ammo rested on the center table.  The captain or general or secretary (I don’t recall) said “Go!” and everyone lunged for the weapons like they were candy, stuffing grenades, guns, and dynamite in their pockets.

I wore a jacket comparable to this one (based on my real-life coat, also from American Eagle):

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

I also think that the compound was somehow connected to a resort, like in the old episodes of Get Smart.  The reason I bring this up is because at one point, after a member of my team falls through a concealed trap door, in searching for him, we fall through a similar hinged entrance.

We end up trapped with our fallen friend in a room on the resort side.  The windows are shatter-proof and there are no doors.  We can’t escape.  Then through the windows, we see a couple that I apparently met earlier.  They open the window from a latch outside, but they won’t let us out unless we can name who’s singing the song coming from their bedroom TV next door.

Right away, I know who it is: Shania Twain, and she’s doing a duet with Eurotrash superstar (?) Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw… (I don’t know exactly – it was some weird dream name).

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

The couple let us out, and I ran to the TV because it was one of my favorite videos.  This guy was singing the duet with Shania:

Actor: Peter Stormare!
Actor: Peter Stormare!

Anyyojoe… my team ends up getting shipped out to do battle with Cobra, and it’s at this point that I realize I watching/participating in the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie and I’m pissed!  It took this long to get to any battles?! 

There was a car chase that lead to a field with way too many chain link fences.  Bullets!  Bombs!  Explosions!

I was about to get captured/killed when I realized I had one of those hypersuits (whatever the fuck they’re wearing in this preview), and I started leaping and hopping about, between crater blasts and flimsy fences.  Something trips me and I land at the feet of a guy dressed like this:

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

As I struggle to get to my feet, he removes his mask, and lo!  Who is it?

Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw…

I walked out of the movie/woke up because I thought it was stupid.

INGREDIENTS: Working 13 hours (and until 1am), 2 Cheesy Double Beef Burritos, 1 24oz. bottle of none other than Mt. Dew