jason voorhees

InASense, Lost… Burger King Kills, But Not Like You Think

Posted on by sgottahurt

Okay, this one I get:

"I told you already... they don't have Happy Meals here."

And this one is clever (even though the glove is on the – NERD ALERT! – wrong hand):

"Did you want fried face with that?"

This one took a second glance to figure out he had mustard on his gown.  Smock.  Robe?  I think I like “smock”…

Burger King really does put a lot of mustard on their burgers.

But something about this ad bothers me:

Haha, ha-- I don't get it.

The other ‘verts border on – dare I say it – cutesiness, whereas this one actually contains a deceased body in it.  And not just any body, but a cheerleader.  And not just a cheerleader, but a young lady in a strangely selected position.

It’s simply… tasteless overkill.  And not in this (have it your) way:

More than a mouthful is truly a waist... grower...

(The campaign is a foreign one.  Wonder if that has anything to do with it…)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Housecleaning Pucks And Hamburger Docs

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had to verify what my subconscious created in this doozy of a dream, because in another one, my subconscious got it completely all wrong.  It works in the second dream because it makes it kinda funny.  But the fact that I knew a certain fact in the first one so matter-of-, um, -factly kinda impresses me (humility is soooo overrated).

DREAM SCENARIO ONE

I was playing hockey.  It wasn’t a professional game, but professionals were there.  (This entire dream happened out of guilt for skipping pick-up hockey last night.  In my defense, two friends were not going… I just hope they had enough people… curse you guilt!)  Anyhattrick, one of the pros approached me at the end and said, “I heard your house could use a good spring cleaning.”  I told him, “Yeah, it could,” and then wondered who he’d been talking to.  That’s when he dropped this deal, “I’d do it.  For five bucks.”  How could I resist?  So I handed him five bucks and made arrangements, not even thinking he could be scamming me for five bucks.  And he showed up!  To clean!  The player in question:

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

Martin Brodeur, goalkeeper for the New Jersey Devils.  I didn’t know I knew him, or his position, or that he was Canadian, yet my subconscious did (I’m not 100% on whether I knew he was a Devil, but I want to say he was wearing their color scheme).  In double-checking my brain, some tidbits I learned about him:

  • He’s played for the New Jersey Devils his entire NHL career. (I like franchise guys, and the NHL is full of them.)
  • He’s three shutouts short of breaking Detroit Red Wing Terry Sawchuck’s record of 103 games. (FYI – Sawchuck’s mask was the basis for Jason’s mask in Friday the 13th.)
  • He holds the second place record (behind Patrick Roy) for the most wins, which he’ll inevitably pass provided he stays healthy.
  • He holds the record for the most wins in a regular season (48, in 2006-7).
  • He’s the only NHL goalie to score a game winning goal.

There are many more.  And I might have to add that I could be a fan now.  What?  Don’t look at me like that.  I’m not saying I like him better than my beloved Red Wings… well, maybe Chris Osgood if he doesn’t start picking up.

DREAM SCENARIO TWO

I was eating at a McDonald’s (like I often do?) when a commotion started at the register.  The friends with me initially ignored it, but when the buzz of excitement started spreading, people were rushing to the front counter.  I overheard a girl say, “The stars of Top Gun are here doing a promotion!”  So the group I was with got mixed up in the glee and followed.  I distinctly remember not even thinking Tom Cruise would be there.  I knew it would be Iceman (Val Kilmer) and Goose (Anthony Edwards).  Turned out the rumors were wrong.  Instead of getting this duo:

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I got this duo:

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

 Except they looked like this:

Uh... yeah...

Uh... yeah...

 Of course, everyone was excited to see George Clooney, and under normal circumstances I would have been, too.  But Anthony Edwards?  How often is he out in public?  This was my chance to pitch a script in which he would have the starring role.  The script entitled “Continuum” was based on a dream I once had that featured Anthony Edwards (how meta).  I told it to him while Clooney took orders from dining room patrons, but I figured he was listening to our conversation and would possibly produce/direct the film.  The only catch – the script wasn’t written.  Edwards would be in town for two more days, so I’d have to write it in that time.  That’s when Clooney chimed in, “It could be the greatest script of all time… or the crappiest.”  (I knew he was eavesdropping!)

And that was that.  To sum up: Martin Brodeur cleaned my house for five bucks, and I had two days to write a script for Anthony Edwards to star in.  I have no idea what any of that means.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Three Kinds Of Dream Chases

Posted on by sgottahurt

Last night was one of those “I can’t wait to get to bed” nights.  I was out past 3am, which according to daylight savings time was really 4am.  The dreams I had in store for me all had to do with chasing, and well… they were good, bad, and ugly.

THE GOOD CHASE (CAREER)

Google him sometime. Tons of funny pics.

Google him sometime. Tons of funny pics.

Somehow I managed to get backstage at the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.  There I met his four writers.  That was all he had.  That was all he could trust.  After the show, he came back to meet me.  One of the writer’s had suggested that he’d take me on board as a writer, based on this very blog you’re reading (there’s no humility in dreams, I guess).  He said he’d take a chance on me, but first I’d have to pass a test.  What happened next primarily included the four writers, Conan, and myself playing all kinds of picnic games in the park.  I passed (whatever the test was… maybe to have fun?) and was acknowledged as a staff writer.  I was nervous at first about creating new ideas, but once I started mixing it up by ad-libbing with the others, I knew I had found home.

THE BAD CHASE (GOSSIP STORY)

Google Paramore. Not as many funny pics as Conan.

Google Paramore. Not as many funny pics as Conan.

I don’t know if it was while I was working on the show or not, but there was a rumor going around that a musician did something bad.  No one would say what the musician did, or who it was.  After much deliberation (was I a gossip site reporter?), I found out it was Hayley Williams, lead singer of the rock band Paramore.  I never found out what she did, though.

THE UGLY CHASE (DON’T LET HIM GET ME!)

Can I stop dreaming about this please?

BONUS: DOUCHEBAG CHACE

I don't know for sure if Chace Crawford is a DB, but... yeah, he probably is.

I don't know for sure if Chace Crawford is a DB, but... yeah, he probably is.

My Bloody Valentine’s Day Weekend (A Friday The 13th Review)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve finally seen the new Friday the 13th movie, and though my hopes weren’t set that high (well, they were set at least hurdle length off the ground), it sort of disappointed.

The opening sequence showed promise.  It even included a dude singing this song while listening to his iPod.  It showed some of the mechanics of Jason Voorhees tactics, but from there, not much else surprised.  I wasn’t looking for them to reinvent the wheel… just tweak it a bit.

I love the original Dawn of the Dead, but the new one enhances its story.  The same goes for The Hills Have Eyes.  This one falls in with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake – they both could have been worse, but they could have been better.  (Haven’t seen either Halloween or My Bloody Valentine, so no comment.)

I thought Jason was too powerful and menacing without showing any origin for his alleged supernatural abilities.  In the earliest films (2-4), he was vulnerable and clumsy, and in effect made him scarier.  He could be defeated, but no one was doing it.  Starting with Part 6, he was brought back to life and became zombie-like, and that worked for most of the remaining films.  The best in the series is still Freddy Vs. Jason, because it follows all the rules of both series, with tongue firmly planted in cheek.

SPOILERS: What’s with the Tom Cruise lookalike’s unwarranted hostility in the film?  Also, when did Jason ever keep somebody locked up and alive (a problem slightly hinted at in Part 4)?  And how do you show a bug zapper twice and not use it to dispense anybody!  (At least I called the wood chipper…)

Hail, hail, the gangs all GAHHHHHH!

Hail, hail, the gangs all GAHHHHHH!

(via this dude’s site)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Friday The 13th Reboot (My Version)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Hello.  Sean here.  (So am I.)

Oh yeah, that’s my brain.  Say hi.  (Hi.)

In the midst of my many snoozes, it occurred to me that the new Friday the 13th remake isn’t sticking to its source material.  (How’s that?) 

In the original film, Jason Voorhees was not the killer.  His mother was.  (Should you have put a spoiler alert?  Someone may not have wanted to know this.)  She avenged his alleged drowning while in the hands of irresponsible, sex-crazed teens.  Starting withthe second film, he avenged the death of his mother.  In the third film, he starts wearing the hockey goalie mask (it’s based on one from the 50’s Detroit Red Wings).

If this film is a sequel, it’s ignoring the last few films in the series, whereas if it’s a remake, it’s ignoring the first film.  If it’s a reboot, then how does Jason come to be?  Well my dreams may have found the answer.

He's such a cut up.

He's such a cut up.

  • The first dream between snoozes involved a golf cart on a log raft that tipped over and sunk into Crystal Lake.
  • The second dream involved a girl crossing the lake with a boy, and then boy jumped out and swam to shore.  More ridiculous versions of this continued until my conscious (and subconscious) met…
  • (NOTE: I was going to reference as many versions of the dream as there were sequels, but quite frankly, they were pretty repetitive… just like the films!)
  • In the final dream that woke me up, Jason Voorhees came to be like this:

On one side of Crystal Lake was a fat camp, and on the other side was a sports camp.  A chubbier girl would meet with one of the guys and they would get it on in the sports camp.  The guy was a real dick and he’d laugh to all his friends about how she keeps coming back for more.  Through the summer, she loses no weight, and in fact puts on more… because she’s pregnant.  When she reveals this to the boy, he breaks up with her.  All his friends sabotage her boat while they argue.  She asks him for a keepsake and he gives her one.  At the center of Crystal Lake, her boat becomes waterlogged.  As she sinks, welcoming her death, she clings to her keepsake – the boy’s goalie mask.  Jason is the supernatural son she never had (?) and he seeks revenge against anyone who visits his lake, while wearing his daddy’s face mask.  The end.  (Or is it the beginning?)

Tah dah!  (Tah dah!)

What a weird dream, btw.  (Any time!)